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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if I am doing a diservice to my children

46 replies

Megan74 · 15/09/2012 05:34

by not sending them to loads of activities.

We live in London. I am only mentioning that because I wonder if this is one of those London things. I have 2 DCs both in primary school (5 and 7). DS plays football once a week and DD doesn't go to any clubs/activities. I have offered and we have tried a few things out but she doesn't want to pursue any. The only time I have forced her is when I have paid upfront but as she tends to lose interest quickly I generally pick things that are not paid upfront for too long.

Both go to after school club a few times a week as I work so we are limited in terms of time. Our weekends are spent doing family day trips, such as going to the park, walks by the river that type of thing. We normally fit a swimming session in as well. I have taken the view that I will introduce them to different things and if they like it I shall try and follow it up but I haven't pushed them. Apart from DS's football my two spend most of their weekends playing.

I have noticed from talking to some friends that I am an oddity. Their children are doing a wide range of activites. They are all swimming really well, doing ballet exams etc. Should I be more pushy in getting them interested in something? Particulalry, DD as she gives things up so easily? I have been floating about thinking she will just pick something up and enjoy it when the time is right and she was too young.

OP posts:

MammaTJisWearingGold · 15/09/2012 08:59

MY DD played rugby for a year. She has now given up. She does do Ballet, tap and Girls Brigade. That is plenty. She keeps asking to do other stuff, like street dance and gymnastics. I may give in to flute lessons.

My DS has started rugby and seems to enjoy it. He does street dance, grins all the way through his lessons, but it was hard work to get him to go to begin with. Totally stole the show when they did one. He tried football, there was a free trial day, but he refused to join in, not his thing at all.

I agree with

MammaTJisWearingGold · 15/09/2012 08:59

Blue canary in that three are enough.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/09/2012 09:10

OP YANBU

BUT - I do think that swimming lessons are important, it is the only thing that I will always insist on until mine are really competent in the water. Safety is a massive issue, but also from when I was about 9/10 swimming used to be a common activity at birthday parties and then going alone with friends when I was older than that.

mum4041 · 15/09/2012 09:23

We do two or three things a week and I find that's enough.

Swimming is the only one I've tried to keep her going to - just for safety reasons and it can be a bit of a pain if you can't swim as an adult. My dh has missed out on a few things with his mates because he can't swim.

Most of these things you can take up in later life if you want to.

If they're happy, I wouldn't worry.

Peevish · 15/09/2012 09:26

This competitive activities thing starts unbelievably young - my baby is not quite six months old, and my entire NCT group take their babies to Baby Sensory, Water Babies, Gymboree, Monkey Music, Baby Signing, Baby Massage etc etc!

My baby and I loaf around in the park and go to the odd coffee morning and singalong session at the local library! I occasionally wonder if I'm already a terrible mother.

Original poster

Megan74 · 15/09/2012 22:10

Thank you all for confirming my sanity. This was all bought about by spending the day with a lovely but competitive friend who had told me all about the vast list of activities and associated achievements of her 6 year old. I am going to look out for private swim lessons for the DCs after christmas. I cant be bothered with the waiting at the edge of the pool stuff I have seen in group lessons.Its really good to hear how older kids became interested in activities when previously they were uninterested.

Peevish - I wasted money and precious time on some of those activities with DC1 but became wise the second time and just took DS to the odd playgroup. Each to their own and all that but I do think its all got out of hand.Peraps depends on the child though as mine seem exceptionally uninterested.

They loved spendng this morning in a cardboard box though

OP posts:

ladygoldenlion · 15/09/2012 22:35

Mine do:

DS age 10 - piano and Sea Scouts (on the same night)

DS age 8 - piano and Sea Cubs (on the same night). Rugby and choir at school and another choir out of school. He also wants to join a drama group

DD age 4 - swimming lessons once a week

ladygoldenlion · 15/09/2012 22:36

PS and YANBU apart from the swimming!

Lolwhut · 15/09/2012 23:29

Mine did not do many activities but because the 3 of them are close in age they always seemed active and busy. I was also happy to have other DC's around to the house. The only thing I made them do was swimming. As they got older they started playing a few sports but only ones arranged (by them) through school.

Now they are older teens they do a nice variety of things because they want to. So my earlier lack of pushiness laziness hasn't done them any harm.
It does depend on the DC's though.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 16/09/2012 00:16

I dont think you are doing them a disservice, but alos not all activities are pushed by parents. My dd does loads that she has intiated and asked to do. I have also said not to lots that she also wants to do, I have told her she cant do everything that she sees advertised or that someone else is doing, she would happily commit and carry out a full week of activites 7 days a week and stick them out, but that is obviously not good for her.

If they want to do them then that is fine, if not then that is fine also.

Goldidi · 16/09/2012 00:39

At 6 dd1 did quite a lot of activities. She was in swimming club 3 times a week, dancing lessons and Rainbows twice a week (I was running 2 separate Rainbow groups at the time so she came to both). She gradually dropped a few of those, at my encouragement, but picked up a couple of others. Dancing was not for her as she was as graceful as an elephant and didn't really enjoy it. She dropped swimming when she had to change clubs and she didn't make many friends at the new group. Then she picked up flute lessons, orchestra and choir.

I will not be encouraging dd2 to take up so many activities as I want to stop ferrying children around and arranging my week like a military operation. She will have swimming lessons (already had baby swimming lessons) and Rainbows/Brownies/Guides but that will be it unless she desperately wants to do something more than that.

My sis has taken it to extremes with her 2 girls. They are only 4 and 6 and they are both busy every night whether it is dancing, judo, swimming, rainbows, etc. She doesn't drive either and none of these activities are just round the corner so she is walking a long way with 2 children every evening and they are exhausted. It costs a lot too.

Morloth · 16/09/2012 01:27

Nope.

DS1 does soccer in the winter and swimming in the summer and we are currently in the blissful month of September where nothing is on (soccer finishes in August and swimming starts in October).

DS2 will get the same deal one sport/activity at a time.

I don't think they will require therapy.

furrygoldone · 16/09/2012 07:16

I also have to barge in and at the building the children's CV comment, has to be one of the wankiest comments I've come across in a long time. Will add not needing to do this to the list of reasons I'm glad I left London before I had children.

wordfactory · 16/09/2012 07:59

I think you need to be wary of falling into either of the two opposong camps:

Camp 1: DC must do music/swimming/kumon/art/gymnastics/chinese. If they don't yopu are holding them back.

Camp 2: DC must be free to run through puddles and climb trees wearing sparkly outfits with bare feet. DC going to after school activities are not having a childhood.

The reality is that somewhere in between is healthiest.

However, be aware that if you do start any activity and your DC shows aptitude, the hours soon build up. This applies especially to sport.

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange · 16/09/2012 08:25

Ds does stuff 3 times a week after school. That's bad enough. What with homework, sorting dinner out, sorting older ds out.

Just do what you feel is right for you and your dc.

Don't be made to feel anything by anyone

otchayaniye · 16/09/2012 09:34

megan, i too live in london with two small children. after a disastrous foray into ballet with my eldest i have completely rowed back on activities. apart from stressing me out having to get to places on time, she didn't particularly enjoy the class.

the thought that some parents (the snob in me guesses it's a lower middle class obsession with 'giving their children what they didn't have') are schlepping their spawn to endless activities to build a cv is so depressingly grandgrindian that i almost cannot believe it. still, at least the kids get a prize for coming second in their parents' narcissistic endeavour.

(we live in a building with a swimming pool and we have a piano so that's two boxes ticked, innit!)

we both remember activities from our youth. my husband was completely turned off learning music after suffering at the hands of a termagant clarinet teacher (his mother had a touch of the hyacinth buckets) and i used to take myself off to martial arts and music lessons, but that was much later and my own choice. i remember most of my childhood being bored and lonely!

we both got into oxford and not one single tutor ever asked us what instrument we played or whether we'd attended ballet classes.

boredandrestless · 16/09/2012 09:39

My DS has autism and struggles with out of school stuff. He also struggles with school so won't do any on site after school activities either.

The only thing I insist he does is swimming lessons. He has a 1:1 lesson once a week in term time, he can't manage in a group lesson, he needs 1:1 supervision. He has very little awareness of danger so it makes sense to make sure he knows how to swim.

My nieces and nephews do a wide range of things but they enjoy doing them.

holyfishnets · 16/09/2012 12:42

My 4 year old swims and my 9 year old boy swims, plays football, does rugby and music lessons. All of these activities happen straight after school and in the school building with their friends. I only really take DS to swimming once a week. That seems very balanced to me.

valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 12:49

Nope, ds plays out with his mates, has friends back for tea or goes to his mates' houses. He learns an instrument in school time and plays tennis once a week.

CamperFan · 16/09/2012 13:26

DS1 is nearly 6, and we've always done 2, max of 3 activities. Party because I want him to try and variety of things, partly to fill in what a perceive as potential "gaps" in his education, and partly so we're not home every night in the winter from 3.30pm, meaning I have to invite endless little friends over for tea! At the moment he's just started after school football, which he requested and didntstop grinning through the whole session; swimming lessons at 4.30pm (and I can take DS2 at the same time for free, so it's a no brainer) - after 9 months off swimming it has become non-negotiable. We live by the sea and I've decided he just needs robe able to swim well - end of discussion! The 3rd activity at the moment is a bit of an experiment, after school French club. I'd love him to learn a language and his school doesn't do much. Ditto with the football - the school doesn't do much in the way of team sports and he is such a bad loser that when he said he wanted to do it, I thought great! The french thing means I have a bit more of an afternoon with DS2 as well, as I don't collect DS1 til 4.15, although with the football, we'll have to sit on the sidelines whatever the weather!

So, in answer to your questions, there are different reasons for doing activities (we're not in London, no one here is v competitive and most of us worry we're doing too much and try to get the balance right). It's important that he's finished early too, so that mealtimes, bed, DS2 are not interrupted. In the future I'd like them to try stuff that we'll all enjoy as a family. Does your school have after school activities that your DS could do instead of after school club? Seeing as he's there anyway? But I'd say your DC are still very young - you're not doing them a disservice; the most important thing is that they're happy. If they start showing an interest in something, you can think about it then. Plus if you work, presumably you want to spend time with them when you get home and at the weekend. I wouldn't sign my DC up to any weekend activities until they were much older (and didn't want to spend their weekends with us!).

cutegorilla · 16/09/2012 13:30

The only one I insist on is swimming. I think that's an important skill to have, being potentially life saving, good fun, and a key to being able to do lots of other fun stuff. Anything else they are free to try and give up at will. The only thing I do insist on is that they finish a course or a term or whatever because sometimes they might not enjoy it one week and decide to give up but if they go back they enjoy it again and decide to stick with it.

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