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Original poster

To hate my job

34 replies

ofcourseichanged · 14/09/2012 22:35

I went to the toilet to have a little cry today. I am a single parent with one child, and after a long time trying I found a job to suit my situation. The pay is really good, the conditions are great and the work is ok. However my natural and hard fought for career is not possible as a single parent and it is so different to what I do now. The thoughts of doing this for the rest of my career is too sobering for a Friday night.

I've never worked in a large organisation before, now I'm leading a team in a massive organisation. I have no experience in 'leading'-I am not a manager, I just make sure that the team do what the managers want.

The only people I see on a regular basis are the people I supervise, I'm not a tyrant- probably the opposite but I'm so lonely as the people that I supervise are the people I interact with regularly.

This means that come break times and lunchtimes I'm on my own. I feel like the only person in the world that hates the idea of going on a break at work. I see people in the canteen at work sitting on their own, I say hello get the subtle but clear message that they are quite happy eating on their own.

For the past week or so I was having lunch with a team mate then twice this week they 'left me' to celebrate their birthday. I kind of thought that seeing that I knew all of the people involved both times I could have been asked. I am so hurt. I have been in this job for the past 4 months now- Shouldn't I feel a bit more comfortable in this job now?

Why do I feel like a child in the playground and abandoned?

OP posts:
Autumnalis · 14/09/2012 22:45

You sound lonely. You don't have to be in that workplace for ever but 4 months may be too early to think about changing. Especially when everything else is good about it. Take a magazine with you for break times. Something you can easily put down for conversation if needed.

maymoon · 14/09/2012 22:49

Sorry if i sound harsh but times are hard and well paid jobs are few and far between and I am sure there would be someone else who would like the chance of your job.
On the plus side you may not be a single parent forever and one day you could have the chance to work in your chosen area.

Busyoldfool · 14/09/2012 22:52

Sorry to hear this OP. That's hard and YNBU to cry for what is lost. I do know what you mean and have been in a similar position myself. It can get easier though. My DCs are a bit older and on Monday I fly off to do two days work in Germany - almost as I used to. I did lose my career and a lot of my friends but I gained other things and, as I said, I am gettting some of it back now. Good luck and stay strong.

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2012 22:53

Agree with autumn that you need to busy yourself with something at break, but not cut yourself off from the possibility of someone chatting to you.

Is it possible you can just be self contained and happy not interacting with other people there? I'd probably put in earphones and read, much better to have a little control and say to yourself I'm choosing not to interact than to feel other people are shunning you.

I was in a similar situation and it is very isolating, it felt like I was in a bubble that followed me round even after I'd gone home.

I couldn't carry on with the job it was so awful, but I couldn't give it up either.

My advice would be to look round for something else, it might look like a great job on paper, but if it's not working out for you, it's not working out.

Original poster
ofcourseichanged · 14/09/2012 22:54

Hi Autumnalis Smile Yes, Lonely is the very word! I actually got a smartphone to 'amuse' myself at break time. Giving up my job is not an option but I have never had a job that I hated in this way before. I had plenty of jobs that I found frustrating, people I didn't want to work with- but I was never an outsider before.

OP posts:
Original poster
ofcourseichanged · 14/09/2012 23:01

Maymoon, My husband died, which put paid to my old job. I have never quit a job in my life and won't quit this one as I worked damn hard to get it but I am so out of my comfort zone its unreal.

I would have no faith in the fact that there would be another man in this world (would be able to put up my shit! ( not to mention the massively high standards I have).

OP posts:
Original poster
ofcourseichanged · 14/09/2012 23:05

busy and agent

I really hope that I become more comfortable as the weeks go on....I was just quite hurt that I wasn't invited and I can never say it without sounding like a nutcase!

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 14/09/2012 23:07

Can you speak to your manager about how you are feeling unsupported? Do they have some sort of buddy system? You do need to try and make friends with other colleagues who are on your grade.

lovebunny · 14/09/2012 23:09

just love.

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2012 23:11

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH ofcourse.

I think you have to resign yourself to being patient, think of it as like living in cormwall an isolated area, you've got to be sussed out and accepted before they include you.

That will happen if you give it time, the opportunities when you can make a bit of smalltalk and chat to people will come through in the end.

If you're determined not to give up the job, then you'll have to change the way you think about the situation.

tallwivglasses · 14/09/2012 23:12

If you hate the job - make plans to get out. Life's to short to be spending most of your waking hours hating what you do. In the meantime look on it as a means to an end but make plans - before you end up hating a lot more than your job.

LydiasMiletus · 14/09/2012 23:14

May I ask if your dh passed recently.
Could this new career have triggered a new period of mourning for your old life and your dh?
as pp said, I would make sure you have something yo do that means you don't need company.
You may find that when you are ok about not having company, people want to keep you company.

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2012 23:15

'I'm so sorry to hear about your DH ofcourse.'

That sounds like I knew your DH, I didn't mean it like that.

NCForNow · 14/09/2012 23:21

Oh I do feel for you. I know what lonely is like. I agree with LydiasMiletus....have you any friends or family at all? What do you do outside work?

MadBusLady · 14/09/2012 23:23

I see people in the canteen at work sitting on their own, I say hello get the subtle but clear message that they are quite happy eating on their own.

I've always preferred to eat on my own in workplaces, and it's no reflection whatsoever on other people. Smile

There were a couple of threads for natural introverts not long ago and one of the major themes was how extroverts couldn't understand why we wanted to be alone and saw it as an insult/cry for help/weird unnatural thing that could only mean we hated them! It's not. Maybe some or all of the people you're thinking of are a bit like that.

Original poster
ofcourseichanged · 14/09/2012 23:26

Loving lovebunnys advice Grin I now have images of running up to polite yet private people and giving them big cuddles despite their obvious discomfort. I might even hire a bunny suit to finish me off completely!

You see crack, no one is being in any way mean to me. In active work people are nice and friendly but come peoples break time....I'm on my own-I just thought that I made a friend of sorts.

zag I will be patient, I am no quitter and I worked too hard to walk away from a good job. I guess I was too used to working in a much smaller environment. I'll get there but today was a really low day as my lunch buddy asked me if I had lunch..... 'great! I'm heading out with X Y and Z' for the 2nd time this week....Sad

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 14/09/2012 23:27

i am sorry about your DH

and well done to you, to getting such a good job and supporting your family

sweetheart you are there to work, not make friends

whilst you feel like this, eat lunch as desk, go on MN. put a smile on face and just get your stuff done

and try and enjoy children and family time

you should be very pruod of yourself

i hope things get easier

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2012 23:30

I agree with madbuslady (love the name) and I'd probably give off 'don't talk to me' vibes just because I'm like that, but it'd be no reflection on the other person.

It's still not very nice that nobody has made you feel included, could it be the managerial bit that makes for an us/them situation, and whoever it was in the job would have to distance themselves to a certain degree to get the job done?

Happybunny12 · 14/09/2012 23:34

So sorry for your loss.

Whilst I agree that life is too short to do a job you hate, I also think that 4 months is quite a short period of time (though I'm sure it doesn't feel like that). I had an extremely miserable a low period at work when I changed departments and didn't fit in very well at first. A friend advised me that when it comes to career decisions, give it 6 months at least before deciding something isn't right for you. Good advice in my case as I found some folks I clicked with and gradually became part of the team.

So yes, hunt for that escape tunnel by all means (perhaps speak to some recruitment consultants for an idea of what else is out there). But don't do anything drastic yet, perhaps give it till Christmas and hopefully things will improve for you.

Original poster
ofcourseichanged · 14/09/2012 23:36

zig stop over thinking I appreciate what yo said and totally understood it Hmm

My husband died two years ago and as I just don't 'get over' his death my grief has matured but it is true that my lonely evenings don't help. My son as a small baby when he died so my opportunities evening entertainment are pretty much non-existent.

madbuslady has to be the very best introvert name in the world.....I do leave your people to your lunches without judgement- I am looking for a fellow friendlybusperson

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 14/09/2012 23:41

I have worked in large organisations and the friends I had that took team leaders jobs were soon distancing themselves and said they were discouraged from being too friendly with team members.

Maybe they are used to this. It's a bit shit but it's been common in all the large offices I've worked in.

You've only been there 4 months, you may find you make a few more pals as you go on. Another thing about large places I found is it takes a little longer to be asked for lunches etc.

MadBusLady · 14/09/2012 23:41

Oh, I missed the bit about your DH. I'm sorry for your loss. But that does make things a bit clearer, I think. In a way perhaps you've reverted to how we all are when young and in our first jobs - we don't have families and home lives yet, so we depend on work as one way of getting social/emotional support. You've lost a big part of your emotional support network, so maybe you're looking for a level of support from work that others of your seniority aren't so much. People don't necessarily expect that from a more senior figure.

Eg, it doesn't sound like it even crossed the lunch buddy's mind that you'd want to be invited to such occasions, otherwise I'm sure he wouldn't have dangled it in front of you. They might well see you as someone who has better things to do!

NCForNow · 14/09/2012 23:42

So your son is still a toddler? Can I say that even without the stress of losing your husband and a job you hate, the early years are really the wilderness years as a parent for many women.

I know that I was lonely a lot of the time...it's relentless and there's no time for yourself...so you have a double whammy.

My DC are 8 and 4 now and it's only JUST that I feel like I am getting a little bit of life back for myself...with you being so sad about your husband and being a lone parent...you really need to allow yourself to accept that it's hard....for a reason.

You're on your own with a small child and grieving still.

MadBusLady · 14/09/2012 23:43

(AgentZigZag I love your name too, I've got a book about "you" lined up for next week's holiday reading Smile)

Original poster
ofcourseichanged · 14/09/2012 23:49

Mad Your lonesome bus journeys make you a very good reader of people. I know what happened this week wasn't personal- I can't even take it personally! You kind of hit the nail on the head!

In my old job the nature of the work meant that the co-worker/close buddy relationship was one and the same ( my husband was the same)- office work is very different I am learning....

I will give it longer....30 years or so!

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