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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When will he learn? And why didn't I insist?

73 replies

TheHeirOfSlytherin · 14/09/2012 21:42

So angry and upset right now. Just came back from a week's holiday to find dh's brand new bicycle has been stolen.

Before we went away I did everything I knew to safe guard the house and my belongings. Dh left his bicycle locked up outside the garage. I told him to put it in the garage. He said no, it will be fine, it's locked up. I said it should still be in the garage. He insisted it would be fine. We get back today and the bike is gone, the lock has been cut through. Nothing else is missing, no sign that anyone attempted to get in the house.

Dh has form for not looking after his things, right down to not keeping his car keys out of ds's reach then getting upset that they get lost/damaged and leaving his glasses in stupid places like the floor or the sofa so when they get sat or stood on they are broken.

He is not allowed to be in charge of tickets or large sums of money when out and about because he has a background of forgetting the tickets and walking round with his wallet in his jeans pocket.

I knew he should have locked the bike away. Why didn't I ride out the argument and insist? We can't afford to replace that bike. I don't even know if the insurance will want to know as he left it outside the garage.

I'm so fucked off with him and I've told him so which I know isn't helping as he is very upset himself but seriously? I did not fucking need this.

OP posts:

FizzyLaces · 15/09/2012 01:12

I would be fucking pissed off. TBH, I have kicked my DP out for similar after a long time of saying 'if you do this once more, we will split up'. He came back a few months later a reformed character and is a better version of the guy I chose to be with. He is not perfect, of course, but neither am I I am not advising you to do this, but for me (as main earner in a similar position) I thought, this is not my life and I refused to let it continue.

He needs a kick up the arse and you deserve better.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/09/2012 01:40

"He didn't put it in the garage because he said there wasn't room for it,"
There didn't have to be room in the garage. You were going on holiday, so it wouldn't have got in anyone's way if it had been left in the hall of your house. That's just an attempt to justify the unjustifiable.

" there is an ongoing issue at the moment where he thinks he is right all the time and for me to question that is as though I have questioned his ability to breath autonomously."
And there's the root of the problem! (He's an arse.)

mathanxiety · 15/09/2012 04:49

He doesn't like you or respect you and he isn't as invested in family days together as you may have assumed he was.

There is a lot of hostility in a man who would rather risk losing an expensive bike and being proved wrong just in order to get the feeling that he was winning some short term power game with you. Hostility and immaturity.

SaraBellumHertz · 15/09/2012 05:18

I would be furious because...well it's just the sheer stupidity of it is it.

We have our own money and are reasonably well off but it would still affect us as a family and it's just such a pointless waste of money.

Stand firm do not purchase another one and enjoy the days out on your own with your dc

Miltonia · 15/09/2012 05:47

YANBU I would be seriously unimpressed at this sort of waste in anyone let alone a grown man. You are the main earner and in return he loses and breaks things? What an immature and thoughtless individual he is .

Balderdashandpiffle · 15/09/2012 07:28

Have you been advised to leave him yet?

A good opportunity, as you could cycle away and he wouldn't be able to keep up.

And as he ran behind it would teach him a valuable lesson.
Harsh but fair.

PowerDresser · 15/09/2012 07:42

Someone suggested Freegle. Round here it's called Freecycle where people advertise things they don't want anymore and they are taken quickly. Google Freecycle and then look for your local one.

I offered a settee and I had barely finished typing the adverisement when I received a telephone call about it. It's not rubbish out there being offered free either.

There are sections for Offered and Wanted. So if you can't get an Offered one, Try advertising for a Wanted one.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/09/2012 08:40

Our bikes are in the dining room when we are on holiday.....

PorridgeBrain · 15/09/2012 09:33

YANBU unreasonable for being angry and upset but we all make mistakes and you have to move on.

The upshot is that he now doesn't hae a nice fancy bike so either you go out alone or you buy the cheapest 2nd hand bike you can find. Hopefully he will learn that he has lost out on having a fancy bike and will prompt him to be more careful in future.

Ib future if an item is yours or a shared possession, then I would just take responsibility for it and if he has a problem with it, explain the impact on you if it gets lost/damaged -if the impact is just on him, let him take responsibility and pay the price.

wellwisher · 15/09/2012 09:37

From the title I thought this thread would be about a child... I think the lesson here is if family money has been spent on something, it needs to be safeguarded according to the standards of the most careful/responsible member of the family i.e. you, OP. He is clearly not right all the time so feel free to remind him of that fact! Alternatively you could have smiled, nodded, and nipped back to "get something you'd forgotten" then shoved the bike into the garage while he sat in the car

NCForNow · 15/09/2012 09:39

power there is Freegle and Freecycle...two different sites. In my town I have found Freegle to be better...but Freecycle is good too.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 15/09/2012 09:45

So you walk around the house sorting stuff for the family holiday and single out dhs belongings for him to sort rather than just doing stuff.as you see it?

You could have put the bike away too you know.

hattifattner · 15/09/2012 10:08

did you buy the bike on a credit card? In which case it may be covered by their insurance. CHeck.

TittyWhistles · 15/09/2012 10:12

"if you don't mind, it'd make me feel a lot easier while we're away so I'm just going to stick the bike in the garage with mine, 'Kay?"

Youre obviously angry at yourself for acting against your instincts. Take it as a lesson learned.

motherinferior · 15/09/2012 10:13

I really think you need separate finances as well as everything else.

Nagoo · 15/09/2012 11:16

YANBU.

buy him a piece of shit bike.

COCKadoodledooo · 15/09/2012 11:22

If it bothered you that much, why didn't you put the bike in the garage? Given that from your op you seem to want to mother him in every other situation, why did you let this one go? Or is that why you're so pissed off, because you could have prevented it?
Oh and where tf is he supposed to put his wallet , if not in his pocket ?

Shit happens. You won't find out if the insurance will cover it by complaining on an internet forum, only by calling the insurers.

Narked · 15/09/2012 11:31

It's only all been ruined if you let it be. You still had a nice holiday.

As for the bike, yes, I'd be furious. £350 is a big deal as it the casual attitude towards safeguarding his property. What usually happens when he does this? Do you sort it out? And has that helped in the long run? I'd imagine that you feel not replacing the bike would penalise you as a family because that's what you bought bikes for - to spend time as a family.

I would try the insurance to see if you can claim, but even if you can, I'd rebuy the bike when possible and take the money out of the budget for something that only affects your DH. It wasn't an accident, it was a deliberate choice to take a risk. There are consequences.

Original poster

TheHeirOfSlytherin · 15/09/2012 11:35

Yes I'm annoyed at myself for not insisting or doing it myself. Of course I know I could have prevented it!

And I don't want to mother him in every other situation, just in those where he has proven he can't be responsible!

IMO leaving his wallet in the back jeans pocket is just inviting pick pockets. He usually has a jacket with an inside pocket which would be much safer.

I looked at the links above, I don't think he has any other symptoms other than being forgetful and irresponsible with his possessions. He is a good father and husband in every other respect (aside from the irritating "Me right, you wrong." thing he has started doing over the last few months, and I am by no means perfect myself.

OP posts:

Lambethlil · 15/09/2012 11:42

Don't let it ruin your holiday.
His bike, his loss. If you can afford to replace it at all replace it with a much cheaper one.

Narked · 15/09/2012 11:45

You can't be too annoyed at yourself because you were trying to let him be responsible for himself. I'd imagine 'mothering' him is the last thing you want to be doing. It's not easy to find someone sexy if you have to treat them like a child.

TheTermagantToaster · 15/09/2012 11:54

Can we steer clear of the 'what if he has SN' please.

God, this thread is really stressing me out. I just came back from a walk to realise I had forgotten my key (I'm actually starting assessment into dyspraxia!) so went to get the spare from the shed. Either the padlock had broken or DH has accidentally changed the code because I couldn't open it. I called him a couple of times but he's at work so couldn't answer. At a bit of a loss I just pulled on the padlock as hard as I could and the door just opened . In the time I'd been trying to phone DH I'd also worked out that worse case scenario, I could just borrow a screwdriver from the neighbours and take the hinges off.

I don't really go into the shed much, just for the key. I knew it wasn't particularly secure but I had NO idea I would be able to get in so easily. My DH, on the other hand, does go in and out the shed all the time - it's where he keeps his bikes (yes, plural). Worth god knows how much. It's his hobby and he has spent a lot on them. I've told him several times that I don't think it's secure enough for the bikes and asked him to look at better storage, but he never does.

I've had enough, and this thread has scared the daylights out of me. Yes, I have issues with losing things etc but my DH doesn't, it's pure laziness/a bizarre belief that nothing will go wrong. His last bike got stolen FFS!

So I've found something myself and I'm going to insist he brings the bikes in tonight until it's arrived. I don't think I care at this point whether it's emasculating or not, I just don't need the stress.

I'm also getting a key safe .

TheTermagantToaster · 15/09/2012 11:55

Far too many 'justs' in that second para.

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