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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When will he learn? And why didn't I insist?

73 replies

TheHeirOfSlytherin · 14/09/2012 21:42

So angry and upset right now. Just came back from a week's holiday to find dh's brand new bicycle has been stolen.

Before we went away I did everything I knew to safe guard the house and my belongings. Dh left his bicycle locked up outside the garage. I told him to put it in the garage. He said no, it will be fine, it's locked up. I said it should still be in the garage. He insisted it would be fine. We get back today and the bike is gone, the lock has been cut through. Nothing else is missing, no sign that anyone attempted to get in the house.

Dh has form for not looking after his things, right down to not keeping his car keys out of ds's reach then getting upset that they get lost/damaged and leaving his glasses in stupid places like the floor or the sofa so when they get sat or stood on they are broken.

He is not allowed to be in charge of tickets or large sums of money when out and about because he has a background of forgetting the tickets and walking round with his wallet in his jeans pocket.

I knew he should have locked the bike away. Why didn't I ride out the argument and insist? We can't afford to replace that bike. I don't even know if the insurance will want to know as he left it outside the garage.

I'm so fucked off with him and I've told him so which I know isn't helping as he is very upset himself but seriously? I did not fucking need this.

OP posts:
NCForNow · 14/09/2012 22:02

No it hasn't. He can get another 2nd hand. We ride as a family to OP and our bikes are all a heap of junk. You don't need a posh one.

geegee888 · 14/09/2012 22:02

YANBU, particularly as it may impact on you as he may have to use funds for something else to replace the bike. And its irritating. You have my sympathy. DH can be similarly careless with his possessions and went through a phase of abandoning jackets in public places and having them stolen (eg to go for a run in a park, etc), invariably with his keys in them. He would then phone me and expect me to drop everything and go and pick him up. And get arsy when I wouldn't ~~to teach him a lesson~~

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2012 22:05

Check the police and the local bikes for sale ads, it might turn up if it's new.

I can see why posters might say you're kind of enabling him to get away with not checking stuff and being responsible by chasing round after him, but then was he that kind of person before you met him?

Some people are, and there's not a lot you can do but try to minimise the chaos that follows them round.

YANBU to be fucked off with him though.

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2012 22:06

Don't let it spoil your holiday, it's a lot of money, but it is only a bike in the scheme of things Smile

AThingInYourLife · 14/09/2012 22:06

He's an idiot to leave a brand new £350 bike outside an empty house.

My brain is boggling at the utter stupidity.

Bikes get stolen all the time. Locks are barely an inconvenience.

Why on earth didn't you put it in the garage yourself?

Don't mind the gobshites going on about fictional "own money".

You are one household. If he wastes £350, you all suffer.

Bobyan · 14/09/2012 22:06

He's a manchild and you're enabling him to stay as one...

SayersIsBetterThanGreggs · 14/09/2012 22:07

If it makes you feel any better op we once had 4 grands worth of bikes nicked because dp had gone to bed and not locked the back gate. Tossers even took some spare tyres and a tin of chain cleaner !

Wasn't happy but I got over it, it's only money at the end of the day, make him ride round on an old banger for a while, that'll learn him Wink

BTW if you have insurance, check to see if you're covered.

Beamur · 14/09/2012 22:07

I get why you're so annoyed. Because your DH is an irresponsible man-child you have to do all the organising and responsible stuff otherwise it goes wrong.
It's a burden to always have to be the grown up.

chocolateistheenemy · 14/09/2012 22:09

Hmm. Sounds just like my DC3 husband. Unfortunately after 13 years of it I can solemnly declare that no amount of nagging showing the error of his ways will actually change anything. Sorry. Mine likes being a nob head with his belongings carefree, knowing his DW will pick up the pieces.

TheMightyMojoceratops · 14/09/2012 22:12

"I have to say that if my DH was in your DH position...he'd deal...it would not affect me at all."

^^ That.

bogeyface · 14/09/2012 22:14

He's a manchild and you're enabling him to stay as one...

Well there's a helpful comment Hmm

And what, o wise one, is the OP to do about it? Sit back and watch as he loses more and more posessions that they cant afford to replace until he learns his lesson? And what if he doesnt? Some people really are that careless and will always be so whether they are "enabled" or not.

LydiasMiletus · 14/09/2012 22:21

He doesn't have to have a £350 new bike. Tbh, imo, that's a lot of money to spend on a bike in the first place, unless you have loads of disposable income.
Hr is an idiot for not putting it away. The insurance possibly will not pay out. But he is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself. However I also think the whole 'its ruined our only ever holiday' is a tad dramatic.

PiggyMad · 14/09/2012 22:23

YANBU I'd be really angry about it too - and my DH has form for doing things like this, but I try to bite my tongue and remember that I didn't marry him for his organizational skills!

Though I did chuckle when, after months/years of asking/nagging him not to leave cupboard doors wide open and not shutting them, he banged his head on the corner of one and said 'Don't say it! I've got your words ringing round my head!'

Original poster
TheHeirOfSlytherin · 14/09/2012 22:24

I know it's just a bike and just money, even if it was a lot of money. I'm thankful it was just a bike and not the rest of the house.

I still feel uneasy, like someone has invaded my space even though I know it was only the outside of the house.

He knows what he has done wrong, he said he just didn't think it would get stolen. That's the difference between us, I grew up knowing people would steal the anything if given the chance, dh grew up with the front and back doors permanently unlocked.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 14/09/2012 22:25

I'd be pissed off too. YANBU.

kim147 · 14/09/2012 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheHeirOfSlytherin · 14/09/2012 22:27

Dramatic is how I feel. I feel like lying on the floor, beating my fists and screaming. I work so fucking hard, we both do and it's not fair. Tomorrow I will aim for rational and calm. Tonight I am tantrumming, but only on mumsnet because I can't do it anywhere else.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 14/09/2012 22:27

Can he now perhaps explain why he did not want to put the bike in to the garage?

Yanbu at all!

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2012 22:34

'Can he now perhaps explain why he did not want to put the bike in to the garage?'

Because the OP said to do it?

mathanxiety · 14/09/2012 22:41

Effectively, you bought him a bike, since you are the main wage earner, and he was so feckless about it that what has happened is the equivalent of him flushing that money down the toilet.

I don't blame you for being mad. I would be hopping.

If he does this with a lot of things I would say he is doing it out of defiance his little rebellion, or possibly to get attention there is always drama associated with something important going missing like your glasses or the car keys.

I wondered also if it was some sort of ADD? But I don't know if someone would be merely careless and unable to get a system going where glasses went on a shelf and keys on a hook or if they would argue about the safety of the bike if ADD was the culprit.

But I agree with Bogeyface and others here -- you can't let him take you down financially. Money is important, and very important when there isn't a lot of it and it is vital not to waste it; when that is the case, decisions have to be carefully made and when a big ticket item is bought it needs to be taken care of.

It is vital to a relationship that both parties understand how the other party feels about money and can reach a point where financial reality is accepted and feelings about finances are discussed. Attitudes to money, feelings about money and basically different priorities in that area can tear people apart.

It seems to me there is a fundamental problem where TheHeir bears more than her fair share of the responsibility for the money the family has while the DH isn't on the same page at all, either about the value she places on money or the family life that money can buy. It is a big problem that needs tackling. I would be asking this man seriously what his priorities are, and there would be more than a hint of 'Do you think this is a game we are playing here?' in the background.

TheHeir - go out with your DS on your own bike. Enjoy it.

Give him tasks to do all on his own, things that will mean he and he alone goes without or goes uncomfortable if he fails to do them -- I suggest his own laundry and ironing. If you pack him a lunch, then stop and leave him to do it on his own.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/09/2012 22:45

Actually, I can answer my own question:

Because he knows you will buy him a new bike. Maybe even a better bike. Because he KNOWS you like that your family do things together. You want him there on family outings, so you WILL buy him a new bike. I bet he is counting on it!

Angry
mum11970 · 14/09/2012 22:55

Bit daft to leave it out in the rain but it was locked up. Phone the police for crime number and claim on your house insurance.

Original poster
TheHeirOfSlytherin · 14/09/2012 23:17

He didn't put it in the garage because he said there wasn't room for it, he could have found room if he had wanted to but there is an ongoing issue at the moment where he thinks he is right all the time and for me to question that is as though I have questioned his ability to breath autonomously.

I will be looking into the links you have given me, the more I think about it the more incidents keep springing to mind.

I really hope this is his wake up call.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 14/09/2012 23:19

Yanbu

I would be fucking livid tbh.

AgentZigzag · 15/09/2012 00:58

'he thinks he is right all the time and for me to question that is as though I have questioned his ability to breath autonomously.'

Arrogant and superior aren't easy things to get round when you're trying to run a household together.

What's made him like that do you think?

Are you both pretty stubborn and neither like to 'back down'?