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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bullying and hair.

57 replies

solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2012 18:31

I posted about this last school term - DS has been getting called 'gay' and 'gaylord' at school. I mentioned it to his class teacher then, but it was the last day of term so I hoped it would all be forgotten about (on the kids' part) over the holidays.
Well, it's not been. I have talked with DS about how silly they are to use that as an insult, and how nasty it is to call people names. ANd he has come up with a strategy of just saying 'Pardon? Didn't hear that' repeatedly, which I think is a good one.

And obviously I am going to speak to the school on Monday about it being time for a general reminder about homophobic bullying.

But I have a feeling it's going to be suggested that we make DS have a haircut. He has long fair hair and doesn't want to cut it - and why the fuck should he?

OP posts:
Original poster
solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2012 20:39

Oh, and the other thing - while I was walking home with him this evening we ran into a group of children from his school and one of them actually shouted out 'Hey, gayboy' at him in front of me.
I said, that's not a very nice way to behave, is it? and we kept walking.

OP posts:
MrDobalina · 14/09/2012 20:39

'ave a word with yer mam!

MrDobalina · 14/09/2012 20:42

i think you should be really proud of him....for not insisting that you cut his hair/let him have it cut

shows integrity and strength

i reckon school will stamp on this hard

JamieandTheMagicTorch · 14/09/2012 20:43

Oh that's so infuriating. Keep reporting it, get a copy of their anti-bullying policy. If you don't keep on it they will understandably assume that it's not happening anymore. These are little children and you'll be doing everyone a favour if you report it again

PretzelTime · 14/09/2012 20:44

Uuugh no respect at all! How did they react when you told them that?

kim147 · 14/09/2012 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenPetal94 · 14/09/2012 20:46

sadly my son's friend did get teased a lot less when he cut his hair. Mind you he did have a long bowl cut, not cooler long hair. I think you should only cut his hair if he feels it is what he wants to do

JamieandTheMagicTorch · 14/09/2012 20:46

Email the Headteacher with your concerns, and ask for a meeting between yourself, the Head, the teacher and any behaviour mentors/counsellors they have at school. This might sound like overkill but it focusses their minds, IME

BobblyOrangeGoldGussets · 14/09/2012 20:46

If there is any shit along the lines of "he should cut his hair", mention the LEA regarding the need to report a homophobic incident and also mention that this will be a matter for OFSTED, as a failure to protect from homophobic bullying.

This might make them shit themselves enough to be robust in dealing with it SGB.

You have won the main battle in bringing your boy up to be confident enough not to ask for his hair to be cut. Good on you.

Dildobaggins · 14/09/2012 21:05

I mentioned in another thread about hair, that men are under social pressure to keep their hair short. I got a few scornful replies. Well this is a prime example.

I'm sure lots of males would love to have long hair, but socially it is not acceptable.

PretzelTime · 14/09/2012 21:08

I hate that. It used to be OK some decades ago. It's going backwards Sad

deleted203 · 14/09/2012 22:09

solidgoldbrass that was incredibly dignified of you and I am in awe. I know darn well I would have put the fear of God in the little shit that had dared abuse my DS in front of me. Well done you.Smile

BustersOfDoom · 14/09/2012 22:27

Gaylord?? Fucking hell, I haven't heard that since the 1970s! Methinks some parents are sharing some choice terms witht their DC. Nice!

This is just really odd. The cool kids at DS's high school in the late 90s were the rockers with long hair. None of them got bullied. They were the 'in crowd'. Is your DS the only one with long hair? My friend at work has 4 boys and they all have long curly hair and the eldest is at high school. Not one has had any problems like this.

And no, do not have his hair cut. Equality is equality. Can you imagine the outrage if a high school told all the girls to get their hair cropped??

And you were very restrained with the boy who was an arse on your way home. I'm afraid I would've dragged him home by his ear and said terrible things to his mother. At least you are not regretting it now like I would be.

Original poster
solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2012 22:31

Oh I wanted to punch the little shit right off his pushbike, but I had just been telling DS that when people call us nasty names we laugh and shrug and don't let them think they've bothered us, so I couldn't really.

(Also, another mum has recently been banned from the school premises for punching another mum in the face or some such, so I am going to be very dignified and calm about the whole business.)

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LemarchandsBox · 14/09/2012 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BustersOfDoom · 14/09/2012 22:48

I know exactly what you mean SGB. May the puberty fairy forget to visit the little shit until all his friends are twice the size and twice as hairy!

NCForNow · 14/09/2012 23:28

I personally think you need to tell DS to find the bullies weak spot...and every time they say Gay boy or whatever, then he needs to parry with a personal insult.

"Who are you talking to big nose?"

"Don't call me names freckles....you look like you've been shat on."

And yes...it's probably not "the right way" but kids are fecking evil and I know that NO kid wants it's faults picking out.

NCForNow · 14/09/2012 23:29

AND...yes...it is wrong that a culture of bullying is flourishing but there has always been a degree of name calling amongst children. Possibly always will be unless the human race suddenly becomes enlightened.

Cathycomehome · 15/09/2012 00:13

My older son (still feels weird to type that, as he is 12 and my other son is two months old, so I'm very used to just "my son") is not very bright academically, but most of his friends are in top sets at high school. One of the little fuckers referred to him being in a "thick set" at school at our house on his birthday. I'll confess, I didn't intervene when my son responded: "is your mum or dad taking you to the gifted and talented sports awards, or are you getting the bus?" Said child has two left feet.

My point is, they'll always find something. My son is good looking and very popular, but still gets comments like the one above; no, you shouldn't make him cut his hair, the school should, and probably will, deal with it appropriately.

NCForNow · 15/09/2012 00:16

That's right cathy I think teaching them to banter back in a disparaging way is so important. As a child, I found this so hard to do....unfortunate as I grew up in the North where knocking one another down verbally is part of life!

I picked it up as I got to my later teens but it's a really handy thing to be able to do.

NCForNow · 15/09/2012 00:16

Not that calling your DS gay is "banter" but I do think he could benefit from some one liners.

seeker · 15/09/2012 00:32

I don't think trading insults is ever the answer. If the bullied child is the type who could do this with confidence and effectiveness, they probably would have done it already.

Don't tqke it lying down if the the school suggests he cuts his hair. All guns blazing is the approach.

BUT(irrelevant side discussion!) As the mother and aunt of long haired boys, you do need to be incredibly careful whose wishes are being fulfilled. My nephew had long hair for a year longer than he wanted- because he was worried that his parents would be upset if he asked for a haircut. As a result, my ds was constantly being asked if he wanted a haircut- and perversely, probabaly hung on to his hair for ayear longer than he wanted to out of sheer bloody mindedness!

cbeebiesinducedcoma · 15/09/2012 00:44

I think you have to retrain the thought of retaliating as standing up for yourself.
The "what , whoa where did that come from, where did my passive victim go and that human being enter?"

I was horrifically bullied at school I was bigger, spottier and very withdrawn.

The person in question was v. promiscuous and was from a very interbred family. I remember one day she was being snide about how small her waist.arse etc was to me.

I remember just sighing going "Oh X I'm just glad you're gene pool is no longer the smallest thing in your life".

I think the class burst into laughter and I was never bothered again, so I agree get some one liners.

NCForNow · 15/09/2012 00:49

Seeker I disagree...some kids grow up in homes where banter is the norm...they'e used to it..others don't and learning to banter and yes...to trade insults at times is just part of modern life.

Original poster
solidgoldbrass · 15/09/2012 01:17

Seeker: I know what you mean about the hair and bloody-mindedness, too. DS' dad had long hair in primary school (in the early 70s, we are old...) and the other kids weren't bothered but the teachers were. Mind you, this does mean that DS dad's parents, who are generally a bit middle-England, find DS's long hair sort of endearing and 'just like your father'. I like it too, though I do tell him from time to time that if he won't have it brushed or combed it will have to be cut...

I'm OK with a bit of banter between kids and aware that they squabble. I'm not OK with DS crying in the evening and saying that people hate him.

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