Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling miffed that DH doesn't share stuff with me?

29 replies

Yermina · 13/09/2012 13:02

Had a friend/colleague of DH's round last night for a meal. I really like this guy, stay in touch with him on facebook, and have had a number of good conversations with him when we've met up for meals/going out, on other occasions.

Last night he started to talk about his sister experiencing domestic violence, and what a shock it's been to him to find this out, how upset he's been about it.

I commiserated with him and talked about how hard it is for family to know how to help when a person who's being beaten refuses to leave their spouse. I have direct experience of this as my own sister was in a very abusive relationship for years that she refused to leave. After talking for a bit the friend said that he was surprised DH hadn't mentioned it to me. DH shrugged and said that his friend had asked him not to talk about it to anyone. So DH didn't - to anyone. Me included. Friend looked surprised and I suspect had assumed that I don't fall into the category of 'anyone'.

It's not the first time that I've discovered that DH has withheld information from me that he knows I would be interested in, about people we know, because of wanting to be discrete. When his sister miscarried it seemed (when it was finally mentioned in public) that I was the only adult in the family who didn't know. I'm not aware by the way that anyone has told him not to share information with me specifically.

On reflection, I feel hurt. We've been together nearly 20 years, married 15.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this? I haven't mentioned to DH that I feel sad about it.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/09/2012 13:05

YABU - if a friend tells me something in confidence and asks me not to mention it to anyone I dont.....DH included of course!

OTheHugeManatee · 13/09/2012 13:07

YABU. If someone tells me something in confidence, and asks me not to tell anyone about it, I assume 'anyone' includes DH.

cantspel · 13/09/2012 13:09

maybe thats why people are happy to discuss things with him because he can be trusted when asked not to discuss with anyone else

queenofmeringue · 13/09/2012 13:09

I think YANBU - I would not include my DH in "not telling anyone". I tell him almost everything and trust that he won't pass it on because he has a memory like a seive and forgets within minutes.

I think he tells me most things although he's not naturally one to share feelings and has made the effort to be more open with me.

Cleio · 13/09/2012 13:15

My DH is like this as well. He takes confidentiality very seriously and can't seem to understand that there is a difference between being nosy and caring about someone and being interested in their lives.

It does frustrate me sometimes, and it has put me in awkward situations in the past, but I figure that on the upside, he is as careful with any of my private stuff as well.

WildWorld2004 · 13/09/2012 13:15

I think YABU. If someone said dont tell anyone i dont tell anyone. Its quite simple.

KellyElly · 13/09/2012 13:19

No YANBU but many on here will say you are.

TroublesomeEx · 13/09/2012 13:24

It's a tricky one.

My husband is very trustworthy and once something is in the vault, it stays there. The only exception to this would be if I was likely to put my foot in it if he didn't tell me. So, his friend was made redundant and swore DH to secrecy because he was so embarrassed about it. But DH did tell me before we went out for dinner with them because "so how's work going?" would be a reasonable question for me to ask him and his friend was really sensitive about the situation.

I have a friend and we confide in each other but we understand that our husbands are not included in the "keep it to yourself" unless we specifically say "and I'd prefer it if you didn't tell your H". When we wouldn't.

squoosh · 13/09/2012 13:28

YABVU

How rude of your husband to withold other people's personal and sensitive confidences when he knew you'd 'be interested'. Confused

It's none of your business.

squoosh · 13/09/2012 13:32

There was a thread not too long ago that discussed this subject at length.

There were differing views.

mayorquimby · 13/09/2012 13:35

"It's not the first time that I've discovered that DH has withheld information from me that he knows I would be interested in,"

good. you having an interest in it doesn't make it any of your business.

Kayano · 13/09/2012 13:37

I think it's a personal decision and a sensitive subject so I can see why DH didn't tell you

Personally I don't include
My spouse in 'don't tell anyone'

Kayano · 13/09/2012 13:37

Meaning I tell him Confused
Got flamed obviously lol

WineGoggles · 13/09/2012 13:39

YABU. If I was told something and asked not to tell anyone I would take that as "don't tell another living soul" rather than "don't tell another living soul apart from if you really want to". But then I'm very discreet and want my friends and family to know that I take confidences seriously.

KenLeeeeeee · 13/09/2012 13:39

YABU

If I've been asked not to tell anyone, I don't tell anyone. Husband included.

TheGOLDCunnyFunt · 13/09/2012 14:00

DP does this to me. We saw his best friend the other week, we don't see him very often, and I asked him how was and he went Confused you mean ? Me and broke up 2 months ago! DP knew this and didn't think to tell me. Made me look a right twit!

Tbh it wouldn't bother me if it was told in confidence and DP was told to keep it to himself. But something like a new partner which isn't a secret I do like to be told about. It's nice to be kept in the light about pubic knowledge!

Socknickingpixie · 13/09/2012 14:23

yabu dont tell anybody means anybody even if you happen to be married to them.

the only time this is not the case is if (aside from the obvious cp/safety/bombs being hidden) the person whos privacy is being shared knows without a doubt that the info will also be shared with the person you are intimate with befor they confide.

MrsMiniversCharlady · 13/09/2012 14:27

YABU. DH sometimes doesn't tell me about things, but mostly I think it's because he doesn't think I'd be interested.

I don't tell him everything either. Some things I think are confidential, other things I just don't really have the energy for an in-depth discussion and just want to mull them over on my own. Just because we're married we don't have to know all the ins and outs of the other person's life.

If it doesn't directly concern you then I think YABU, sorry.

bowerbird · 13/09/2012 14:31

YABU. Just because you're married to someone and just because you'd be interested doesn't make it alright to gossip about stuff that is confidential.

If I'm talking to someone and know that DH would have a useful opinion on the matter, I might ask, "can I discuss this with DH?". Otherwise, I keep schtum. That's why people trust me.

Adversecamber · 13/09/2012 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 13/09/2012 14:53

You Husband's friend's Sister is nothing to do with you, why would he think you need to know what's happening in her private life? Confused

HollyMadison · 13/09/2012 15:00

See it as a good thing OP. your husband is trustworthy and you know he can keep a secret about you if he needed to. I'm one of those who thinks that telling a partner another friend's secrets is not automatic and should not be done unless it's clear the friend is ok with it. If someone told me to keep something secret I would not tell my DH.

Nymia · 13/09/2012 15:00

DH and I do share information about our friends with each other generally, just to keep each other up to date. I don't usually share information that a) I'm specifically asked not to share with him, or b) has been shared with me but isn't my business really.

Occasionally this leads to a few awkward moments, like the friend who is secretly seeing a married man for the last year being ribbed about staying single for her career (not in a mean way, we have all known each other for years and she IS extremely career focused too, it just happens not to be the reason she doesn't date!), or the friend of a friend who I've confidentially been told is on three months' leave for stress/bullied at work (non-UK) being asked all about her glamorous job and told how lucky she is to have a career break so she can travel... not so easy to make the "shutupshutup quick!" face when you are driving and he's in the back seat, out of line of sight! In those cases sometimes disclosure is forced a bit sooner than I'd like!

But mostly it's all smooth sailing.

MadBusLady · 13/09/2012 15:05

YABtotallyU to expect to be told about a work colleague's sister (!) but slightly less unreasonable to have been surprised not to have been told about SiL's miscarriage. Even then I think "miffed" is going a bit far. Guessing that is the real issue, because the colleague's sister thing is just silly and clearly unreasonable.

Katnisscupcake · 13/09/2012 15:06

YANBU

I tell my DH everything that I'm told, whether in confidence or not as do all my friends with their DPs/DHs. However, there are occasions when I wouldn't...

  • They've told me specifically that they don't want DHs to know (there's normally a group of us talking together)
  • DH just wouldn't be interested because it's girly stuff
  • Anything that would upset, anger or worry DH (so if one of my friends was having an affair and DH knew her DH, just as an example)

My SIL (DH's Sister) has told me something about DH's DNiece that he is not aware of. It would destroy his relationship with said Niece if he knew about it so I haven't told him. Which actually seems weird to me because it's about his direct family, not on my side... But she asked me not to tell him, so I didn't!

Swipe left for the next trending thread