To think that just because we are related you CANNOT volunteer my services to every fucking person you know

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

Im a self employed accountant, and my aunt keeps volunteering me to do everyone shes knows self-assessments and generally for either free, or for drinks money!!! That in itself pisses me off, but as im crap at confrontation, ive done it and it keeps the peace, and she does do alot for my dad so im usually guilt tripped into being helpful back

Anyway, this morning I get a phone call from the cubs group that my cousins kids go to, they have been given my number by aunt who has volunteered me to do their treasury, bookkeeping & accounts!!!! I mean WTF???!!! The lady on the phone tells me how nice it is of me to volunteer my services, and then goes onto tell me the list of expectations of how frequently I have to attend, and blah blah blah. I nicely tell her that I have not volunteered, that unfortunately I am unable to volunteer and they will have to find someone else to do it, possibly ask my cousin who works as an accountant for a large firm.

Then my aunt rings, and tells me how selfish I am being, how they are only a small newly set up cub group, and how my cousin doesnt have the time, and how its now going to reflect badly on my aunt and cousin because I havent done it. That I have the time to do it (which I do, but I just dont want to) and that im being unreasonable. She gets a bit ranty and I hang up on her! She then rings my dad and bitches to him about me. Dads not well and cant really deal with the hassle and is now asking me if I cant do it to keep the peace.

Ive said no, so now my aunt, cousin, dad and the cub group are all pissed off at me.

AIBU?

vodka that reminds me of volunteering DH to mend a rip in a girl at work's leather jacket.

I didn't actually volunteer him, she asked me to ask him what she should do (he knows these things). But I should have known better because he can't just give advice. He goes ahead with the whole job and then complains that everyone takes advantage of his generous nature.

He stitched it and stuck on a patch from a spare piece of leather that looked just like a pocket. It was really good but she complained that it wasn't actually a pocket and was off-centre.

I told her sarcastically that next time she came home drunk and ripped her jacket on the door knob to make sure it was in a place where a pocket would naturally go.

She did that a few weeks later and gave it to me again

What a cheeky mare! There are certain professions - IT is another one - that people seem to think is like being the Wisewoman of the Village. Very prestigious and impressive, trained in dark arts for 40 years in a cave etc but somehow also socially obliged to help everybody for free!

Extremely cheeky! You sound busy to me as it is with DCs and a dad to look after, on top of your work.

To some extent I feel your pain - we live abroad in a city popular with backpackers, and we are always getting emails from family volunteering our services to randoms. This one from MIL last week had DH and I in stitches:

"Got chatting to a woman in the library whose daughter will be coming to X for two weeks soon. I passed on your email addresses and phone numbers, she was very grateful." Thanks for that!

my husband is amazing at making and fixing computers, the amount of people who phone or just drop computers off to be upgraded or fixed. I actually bought him a t shirt for Christmas which said on the front "no I will not fix your computer"
people take the piss and want it doing for nothing.

That reminds me of a cartoon DP likes.

YANBU at all, I can understand why you are so angry! Your Aunt should have asked before volunteering you for something that requires a fair amount of commitment on your part.

I remember years ago when I was a student nurse a neighbour of my mums had a fall and became unable to manage at home. Her daughter was unwilling to put her in a home or get an agency in as she obviously did not want any of her inheritance money going on something so trivial as her mothers care, and ended up roping in all the neighbours to go in at various times of the day. I was nominated by my mum to put the lady to bed and give medication. Both my mum and the money grabbing cow daughter got short shrift from me.

I find that if get into letting people take advantage it's very hard to put a stop to, best to nip it in bud before it can begin.

My DH loves that one too, he's often on the phone to his mum explaining how to open Gmail or some such! And last week I not only had to email my dad and dad's secretary (she's younger than me ffs!) to explain how to put three images on one page to print, but nobody understood the instructions so I physically did it for them... Only to find that was only the first page of many.

We mostly tend t get those sort of requests from FIL. DH's dad is obsessed with having "contacts", and always lining up his friends' and clients' children who might be of a similar age to us, and giving them our details so that we can be their contacts in London. The last one was "Mr X's daughter, she's about your age, and she's studying to be a nurse in a hospital in London, I gave her your email and phone numbers. Here's hers, would you ever go meet her and take her out to dinner because I owe him a favour and I said you would." The girl was 19 and in Hertfordshire, we are in our 30s and live in South London, and as it happened she wasn't interested...

I'm a solicitor, as is FIL but in another country, so I used to be volunteered to write long emails to his work experience kids who were students in law school explaining how to qualify as a solicitor in the UK. It's not as simple as it sounds when you have to begin by explaining how the legal system works for a start, and then move on to how to get a training contract. It is hours of emails trying to explain in simple terms how everything works, then correct misconceptions, then review CVs etc. The last thing I want to be doing of an evening is spending 2-3 hours detailing everything to someone with a 2:2 who thinks they'll be snapped up by the Magic Circle when I could be spending time with my husband. Thankfully with the recession FIL doesn't take in work experience students as much anymore!

I do think the idea of sending your Aunt a list of your prices, along with "mates rates" for people she knows (which if you like can be your actual rate, having bumped up your non-mates rate one, she's not going to find out!) and tell her that as you need to make a business of this, you need to charge everyone now, that you can't just do these things for free as it's your job, and so she can tell people these rates from now on if she likes to avoid any upset in the future.

If you want to do some SA forms etc for free for people your Aunt knows, you can then say to them that you are chosing not to charge them, but make it clear it's your choice, not your Aunt's.

It seems a reasonable exchange of help has become an expectation and I think maybe you need to kindly sit down and explain that to her. Don't get wound up, just sit her down with a cup of tea and be honest and say that you have been happy to help out as a way to repay her past kindness, but it can't happen all the time or it becomes a burden and no longer a gesture gratitude.

Tell her you don't mind helping out once in a while, but not at the drop of a hat and without consultation as to whether you are able to do it to begin with.

The reason you gave up your job and have this free time now was so you could be with your dad. Your having done that becomes pointless if you are working for free anyway.

Well that's what I would do anyway. If she doesn't understand, then tell her that's tough.

Very unreasonable of you aunt!

However, you are also being unreasonable for not having learned to be better at confrontation, even if it's as graceful and regretful as you like. Self employed people need to be cslm and firm about their rates and other terms, and accountants do have certain legal duties ehich could bring them into conflict with clients, surely? Remember who finally brought down Enron?!

Plutocrap makes a good point actually. I have not been nearly as hard enough about this in the past with clients (though at least they've actually been clients!) I used to do way too much on spec, didn't respect the value of my own time enough. Your time is either money or it's free time which you accept not being paid for.

YANBU. It's so easy to expect others to work for free, isn't it! Your aunt is expecting you to give up X days earnings. Why doesn't she do the same, and donate X days of her own earnings or pension so these people can afford an accountant?

I'm an accountant and I'm constantly being asked to "help" people for free, I've developed very poor hearing and a very thick skin! I help with one small charity regularly and say no to the rest.

The trouble with being self employed is everyone thinks you can do it for free. I teach piano and quite a few of my friends send their children to me - they are that sort of age at the moment. Every single one of them pays. I explained that if I take them without charging, it is actually costing me the lesson fee each week as it is filling a space which someone paying would otherwise be in.
I do little extra things for them now and then, buy the odd music book, do extra lessons occasionally in the run up to exams, but in the main they pay. My daughter is the only person who gets free lessons.

You cannot get start offering your services for free as, as you've found, it's a slippery slope. What starts with family becomes extended family and friends, and then very extended family and friends of friends. Before you know it half your work is for free and you can't pay the mortgage. Explain this gently to your relatives - that you cannot afford to do it. Your time costs, so it's not free, it's costing someone and if that someone's not them then it's you.

Then say no more and let the storm blow over. Let this be the start of a new era where all but your very immediate family, if they want your services, pay for them.

This is one of my bugbears, that I've only recently managed to contain. Like a couple of other posters above, I work in IT and everyone seems to think that this means I'm very happy to spend hours in the evening sorting their computers out.

These days I only sort out parents and siblings (and my partners parents and siblings if necessary), plus a couple of close friends. Everyone else gets "well I don't really work with desktops and laptops, so you're going to be better going to a specialist, as it would probably take me hours and I just don't have the free time these days".

You have my sympathy OP, thankfully my family have now stopped volunteering my services like they did when I first started in the industry.

Bloody cheek! Time to put your foot down, you are not everybody's free accountant. The list of fees is a great idea .

Try pointing out that, with your ill father living with you, you really don't have the time or energy to be running around doing these things. You have enough on your plate without your aunt trying to fill your free time.

I had to stamp my foot like that a little while back, I got volunteered for watching my cousin's kid three times a week because I'm a SAHM and she want's to go back to work. Like I don't have enough to do in the day .

And balls if it reflects badly on them. They want free accounting for the cub group, they can bloody well do it themselves.

for taking care of your dad.

my mums told her school i will make them some new bags, its ok because they are providing the material so its ok... of course my time, threads electric etc is free and i wont be able to take paying orders during that time.....and the thing that annoys me the most is that she will take the credit for it and tell them she made them like she did last time!

Just say no then.

You have to learn to say no, mamamibbo. After the first time (when you might meet a bit of resistance and bad feeling) it becomes much easier and people start to get the message.

I agree saying no is the way forward, but what a shame that this can mean you get the "resistance and bad feeling" musicposy mentions.

I don't know why people do this - why don't they realise it's not only ill-mannered to expect people to give their time for free, but also to huff and moan when they get a "no".

YANBU. I've lost count of the number of estates I've been called on to administer, and my DMum has a habit of volunteering me to write letters for people (which is obviously less hassle and work than doing a whole probate, but still can involve hours of research and drafting esp. if it's an area of law that I have little or no experience of) - I need lessons from you OP on how to say no! Nominating you to take on a role like that without even asking you is not on at all.

YANBU, my mother trawls the entire south of England for random strangers with medical problems then expects me to diagnose them by phone & offer advice.

Sample question, " The man who runs the garage your father used to use is finding that he drops his cup of tea if he doesn't keeping looking at it. What do you think is wrong?"

In my case, it's not that this is particularly time-consuming; it's more the social awkwardness & medico-legal risk. It's bad enough getting this right with my own patients, let alone random strangers.

Good point, AnyoneforTurps - my DMum doesn't appreciate that these random neighbours/friends/people she meets on the bus can actually sue me if I give them negligent advice - even though they haven't paid for my services. This is a good enough reason on its own for professionals to avoid offering advice 'on the side' rather than in a paid, formal way.

Anyone and Emsy actually make a very valid point , which might provide a get-out clause for the reluctant-to-day-no professionals . Could you say that unfortunately you cannot help / give advice due to the terms of your professional code of conduct / liability insurance, and hence can only take on properly contracted work to abide by those conditions ?