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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still want to go away with my family even though they do DPs head in?

35 replies

Fecklessdizzy · 13/09/2012 09:31

I get together with my brother and sister and their kids for a week over Easter. We get a cheap deal somewhere warm and the cousins all hang out in the pool and we read and go for walks and chat and generally catch up.

I really enjoy it but DP doesn't. He says that everyone talks over him and no-one listens to what he says - it's true that as a family we are quite opinionated and argumentative and he probably has a point about the not-listening bit but we do it to each other too so it's nothing personal but he says it makes him feel inferior.

So now I don't know what to do about next year ...

Go anyway and feel like I'm walking on egg shells all week, not go and seeth with resentment or go without him and try and explain to family and kids that he didn't fancy it/ had to work/ developed a sudden fear of flying?

Help me out here! ( but no Leave-The-Bastards please as he's basically a good egg, albeit one with a bit of a thing about people with degrees )

OP posts:
MrsLettuce · 13/09/2012 09:32

Let the poor bloke stay at home if he wants to. Blame work.

furrygoldone · 13/09/2012 09:34

Leave the bastard......

.... at home whilst you go on holiday, provided of course this doesn't result in him getting no opportunity to go on holiday at that wouldn't be fair.

MrsLettuce · 13/09/2012 09:35

Yeah, maybe a week away with the lads at the same time?

SminkoPinko · 13/09/2012 09:37

if it's your only holiday then I'd say do something else at least every other year. if it's an extra holiday go without him with a suitable lie excuse at the ready.

HeathRobinson · 13/09/2012 09:43

YABU to want to go.
YWBU to make him go.

Is it your only holiday in the year? If it is, I'd compromise with dp and do it every other year. The other year he gets to pick where you go, without extra family.

KenLeeeeeee · 13/09/2012 09:49

Let him stay at home while you go away, then return the favour by sending him on a lads holiday with his mates. You get to see your family, he doesn't feel uncomfortable or miss out on a break away - everyone's happy!

IloveJudgeJudy · 13/09/2012 09:49

I have a family like yours and a DH like yours, too. DH from the beginning just sat back and took it all in. He mostly couldn't be bothered to join in the argument discussions. He now (after 20+ years) does join in if he really feels there is something to say. If I'm honest, though, my siblings and I would discuss argue about anything at all. We are quite loud, but it has done our DC pretty well as they are used to this kind of discussion and so are up for any debate. They are able to marshall their arguments, for both sides, in a logical way.

Perhaps you could sell it to him like that. I also agree with DH that we argue about any old thing, just for the fun of it. Can you do that?

chocoluvva · 13/09/2012 09:51

You could try not talking over him and sticking up for him when your family talks over him.
My ILs do this too. Like them I do have a degree though. After years of heartache over it I now have a policy of still going to visit them in the school holidays (not practical any other time) but for fewer days and I've practically given up on them at some psychological level. I can now do the nod and smile thing and emotionally withdraw from the scene.
It does hurt me that DH isn't more loyal to me in this situation, but I understand that habits of a lifetime are difficult to break and I don't want to overly criticise his family - who have many very good qualities. Over our long marriage he's gradually become a bit more thoughtful in this situation.
To my mind it's a question of respect, but familes are complicated things.

squeakytoy · 13/09/2012 09:52

Let him stay at home or go on holiday with a mate instead. Then you can both have a holiday that you enjoy.

Original poster
Fecklessdizzy · 13/09/2012 09:53

No offense Heath ( great name! ) but why am I being unreasonable to want to go? The cousins all get on really well and I don't see my brother and sister all that much as we live at opposite ends of the country. I pay for this myself and it's not our only holiday. I'd be a bit sad but understand why DP doesn't want to come but I'm buggered if I can see why I shouldn't want to go either!

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 13/09/2012 09:54

I go purely from a sense of duty as they're my DC and DP's family.

HeathRobinson · 13/09/2012 09:56

Sorry, my mistake!

That should have said YANBU to want to go. It sounds like you have a great time. Smile

Startailoforangeandgold · 13/09/2012 09:58

If it's not your only holiday and not eating into holiday allowance or money for you as a couple, go and leave him at home.

Original poster
Fecklessdizzy · 13/09/2012 09:58

Thanks everyone ...

Choc I try not to run over DP when everyone's talking but when we get together we do sort of revert to acting like 12 year olds and all try and make our point at once. I definitely get why he's pissed off though and a seperate special DP type trip sounds like a great idea!

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 13/09/2012 09:59

Would your DH enjoy a week without you and the DC or would he miss them and feel left out?

pictish · 13/09/2012 10:00

You go, but leave him behind.
If he doesn't enjoy it then why does he have to suffer it?

On the other hand, if he's making out like you can't go either, then he can gtf.

wigglesrock · 13/09/2012 10:00

I'd go without him, as long as it doesn't eat into any leave/money etc that you need for you all to go away together.

pictish · 13/09/2012 10:03

Oh and btw - I couldn't be arsed having to effectively babysit Mr No-one-listens-to-meeeee either.
If all things are equal on the holiday and you all out shout each other, then get on with it without having to be his mummy as well.

Original poster
Fecklessdizzy · 13/09/2012 10:07

Choc I'm not sure how to phrase Well-you-don't-have-to-come without it sounding like Feel-free-to-fuck-off, which it isn't, and I think he might feel a bit left out and would probably worry about what people were thinking about him not being there ...

OP posts:
Morloth · 13/09/2012 10:07

I take the kids away with my sisters all the time, DH would rather stick pins in his eyes than come.

Why not, you don't have to do everything together.

Original poster
Fecklessdizzy · 13/09/2012 10:08

Grin Pict I think I love you.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 13/09/2012 10:15

Tricky indeed. And how to say to the DCs "Daddy isn't coming as he finds Aunt and Uncle Feckless really tiresome".
It's hard to know the extent of your family's annoyingness and whether your DH is being needy. (I still sympathise with him though....)
A compromise on both sides would be for all of you to go for fewer days, spend some of them with just you, DH and your DCs and keep trying not to revert to being 12!

Original poster
Fecklessdizzy · 13/09/2012 10:25

Bit of both, I'd say ... He's got a bit of a I'm-not-worthy thing going on and they could argue the hind leg off a donkey ( I'm a saint, obviously! Grin )

The villas book by the week so it would be a bit of a faff just going for part of that ... Saying he can't get off work and going somewhere else with just us another time is quite appealing but it's how to sell it to him without making his I'm-so-crap complex worse that's tricky!

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 13/09/2012 10:31

Do your DB and DS take partners?

furrygoldone · 13/09/2012 10:33

Just explain that you don't want to subject him to a week he won't enjoy, but that you really want to see your family.

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