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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have admitted to my son father xmas isn't real?

61 replies

LucieMay · 12/09/2012 23:39

He's six going on 16. He caught me off guard the other day and proceeded to debunk every argument in favour of father Christmas so I just admitted it was a big lie from adults. He was very proud of himself and said he could not believe adults spend so much time pretending to children that he's real. Should I have perpetuated the myth to retain the magic of xmas?

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 12/09/2012 23:45

I dunno, my lad keeps asking me, and I say, 'what do you think?' and he says 'I think he's real because'... and I nod sagely.

mum4041 · 12/09/2012 23:45

I just hope to god he doesn't know my dd. Because I would like to maintain it a little bit longer.

Mine is going on 7 and starting to question why some people get a teddy and others get a nintendo ds.

foreverondiet · 12/09/2012 23:49

I have not pretended there is a tooth fairy but have had complaints from other mothers at school as my DD when she was 5 told everyone it was a lie!

EverybodysDoeEyed · 12/09/2012 23:51

My line is

Well all I know is that only kids who believe in Santa seem to get presents from him

EverybodysDoeEyed · 12/09/2012 23:53

The hardest part is making sure he doesn't tell all his friends. At that age some kids can be heartbroken to find out that Santa doesn't exist and their parents lie to them about it

I know someone who still believed when he was 13 and his mum had to tell him because she was worried about bullying. He was devastated

Startailoforangeandgold · 13/09/2012 00:00

I wasn't brought up to believe in god or Santa. Makes life far simpler.

DH insisted we did the whole Santa thing for our DDs, it was kind of fun, but I can't say I miss fibbing.

LucieMay · 13/09/2012 00:04

Yes I have told him that the other children at school probably still believe and he said he doesn't understand why! He's a bit of an oddity in some of his attitudes, they're quite adult, probably because it's just the two of us and I often talk to him like he's an adult, forgetting how young he is.

OP posts:
deleted203 · 13/09/2012 02:03

I guess it's up to you. I've a 7 year old and I'd be really sad if he didn't believe in Santa this year, though. I've also got teens all the way up to 20 who still put their stocking out and get really excited about what Santa is bringing them. We've never had the 'Santa isn't real' conversation with any of them. I suspect they might know by now.....

80sMum · 13/09/2012 02:25

You did the right thing OP. When children ask thoughtful and intelligent questions, I believe they deserve proper answers.
I don't believe at that age that a child would be devastated to know the truth. An older child might be, not least because of the realisation that they had been deliberately lied to. It's fine to play the game of Father Christmas with little ones,but once they start to question its veracity they deserve to be told the truth.

NCForNow · 13/09/2012 05:03

I think it's hard if you've a DC who asks those type of questions...my DD is 8 and she now and then debunks him a bit and I say, "Well I still believe in him!"

Which I sort of do as he's become such a symbol of what Christmas is about that I believe in the "idea" of him....I think she is beggining to disbelieve now but as she has a 4 year old sister, she would never say anything.

poorbuthappy · 13/09/2012 05:15

I had this convo with dd1 last year when she was 7. I couldn't answer her questions to her satisfaction so admitted truth.
About a week later I asked her she had told anyone else. Her response was well I won't anymore!
Thanks dd1. Smile

Thumbwitch · 13/09/2012 05:17

I think that it would have been a mistake to try and perpetuate the myth since he'd spent time debunking it all - so you did the right thing to agree with him.
If he'd asked you outright if you believe in FC, then you could have fudged it more if you'd wished to - but as things stand, I think you were right.

DS is 4.9 and still happily believes in FC - I'm happy for him to continue in that belief for as long as he feels like it but when he comes to the realisation that it's a big story, I will work things out with him. I kind of hope he hangs onto it for another couple of years though - I'd like to take him to Lapland one Christmas before he decides it's all rot.

bumbez · 13/09/2012 06:34

The same thing happened to me a few months ago. Dd who is 9 just mentioned in passing that 1 of her friends had told her its your parents.
She completely caught me off guard, so I told her the truth, she was absolutely devastated and cried herself to sleep! :(

She has promised not to tell her younger sister and I don't think she will.

Liketochat1 · 13/09/2012 06:44

I wouldn't have told him personally. I'd have said what do you think. And he's real to those who believe- that sort of thing.

GragPop · 13/09/2012 06:59

I think you did the right thing. I personally dont see the point of lying about such things.

Extrospektiv · 13/09/2012 07:05

If you tell them it's a story as soon as they are old enough to understand the difference between facts and stories/myths/legends, would that not avoid the emotional reaction which comes from their eventual disillusionment? This approach avoids the minefield of "shh! it's a secret" . Is the belief that it's really a magical being rather than your family who give you gifts at Christmas worth all the suspicion, putting older siblings and classmates in difficult positions, and parental worries about how DCs will react the year they work it all out?

A child who gets the love, attention and goodwill of their parents and family (plus prezzies, kids' TV specials and time off school) at Christmas is going to find it just as much of a wonderful time of year without needing to believe in an actual living being called "Santa Claus".

On a side note, is there any sort of expert guidance for what to do about Santa if your dc is on the autistic spectrum? With a tendency for taking everything literally, an eye for inconsistencies to regular social patterns ("lies are wrong", "you can trust your mum/dad/teacher") it would appear to me that feeding them any sort of fairytale as truth could do major harm unlikely with a NT child once their upset has faded.

I read up when a friend's sister was diagnosed and one piece of advice was to never say "there are no sweets left" to a child with ASD, when there's a chance they may find the stash; instead, you must say "you can't have another one" as they will not grasp the pragmatic meaning of the first statement and read it as an outright lie, making them wonder why adults are allowed to tell them lies after saying "don't fib". If something this small can be problematic does "Santa exists" cause even more problems?

WildWorld2004 · 13/09/2012 07:21

My dd is 8 and i want her to believe for as long as possible. Think it would take the magic out of christmas if she stopped believing.

Gumby · 13/09/2012 07:34

My ds found out when he was 7
Hasn't told his sister yet ( she's nearly 6)
I've told him not presents for those who tell

Gumby · 13/09/2012 07:35

It doesn't take away the magic at all IMO
I love Xmas and I'm 38 & know he's not real

ripsishere · 13/09/2012 07:37

I told my DD when she was almost 10. We were moving to England and I didn't want her to look babyish.
Through the layer of tears and snot she managed to sob out 'you'll be telling me the tooth fairy isn't real next'

PropositionJoe · 13/09/2012 07:39

"what do you think" is the line to use

Youshouldbedancing · 13/09/2012 07:52

My ds is 3 and at Xmas time I tell him presents are from
Mummy and daddy, it's not saying Santas not real but why should a lie get all the credit when we save the money!

exoticfruits · 13/09/2012 08:04

We had presents from mummy and daddy and presents from Father Christmas.
I don't see why it is instead.
I think you gauge when they are ready to be told the truth. You do need to make sure they don't spoil it for other children.

Shesparkles · 13/09/2012 08:14

My 10 year old ds asked me yesterday funnily enough. He's extremely bright and streetwise in so many ways, but I went down the "well i believe" line. I think this might be the last year of him even having the tiniest belief, or scared not to, but if you've done the whole Santa thing, it really does change the magic when they no longer believe. Instead of writing a letter to Santa, it becomes a shopping list. We always said the letter to Santa was suggestions, and he'd choose what he brought, they'd not necessarily get everything on their list. When they no longer believe, it leaves room to question why they got one thing and not another, because you've CHOSEN not to buy something. It's never been an issue with my older daughter, but I fear ds may be a different matter!

amillionyears · 13/09/2012 08:21

One of my DDs worked it out at 4,nearly 5.
Absolutely no way was she having it that it was true.Like you,there was no way round it,and had to tell her.Nothing you can do,except try and make sure he isnt the one to go round telling others.
She never minded knowing at such a young age.
In this household I we still talk about Santa,and she still puts out carrots etc even though she is now an older teen.

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