To rise above it, its not his fault?

[goldenwispa]

My DS2 is ASD. There are 7 boys in his class. Another boy had a bday party and invited all the boys except my DS. Next week school are camping on the school field. We are providing a tent and other equipment. This other child has been allocated to stay in our tent with our DS. DS is really upset and doesn't want this child in his tent. AIBU to think the child is not at fault and try to encourage my DS to change his mind??

Why would that be unreasonable

It's just the right thing to do x

Do you actually have any choice in the matter or will the school allocate tents as they see fit?

It would depend on how much it upsets your DS.

Having ASD myself and remembering very well this kind of situation as a child and what it feels like (we never forget), I think you are being reasonable from an NT point of view but extremely unreasonable from an ASD perspective. We don't see shades of grey in relationships, it's black and white, right or wrong. When similar things happened with my parents I felt betrayed by them, a feeling I still carry with me today.

DS is really upset and although I am really trying with him I am not sure how it will all play out on the night. His behaviour can be unpredictable and servere x

Sammy, yes that's totally how our situation is. I want to do what's right. But this may be not what's right for my DS.

tell the school it may be an issue.

it may not be this childs fault but its not your dc's fault that he cant accept this its a different way of thinking.

That's what you have to decide. Do you do what is right from everyone else's perspective or what's right from your sons. Personally, and I know I'm biased, I'd back your sons. He is going to face a lifetime of being sidelined and excluded. He needs to feel that no matter what, his mum has his back.

How old are they?

I work with kids with emotional difficulties and many have asd. They are often averse to writing and will become avoidant, upset and aggressive sometimes when faced with it. A psych nurse explained it to me in a way I can relate to, which is that they can be scared of writing. They're not just awkward, it's extremely stressful.

What I'm trying to say is that this lesson could mean your ds enduring feelings of fear and anger, far above what we can appreciate.

He does need to learn of course that he can't win every game or go to every party but it's deciding to what degree to learn without something being very very difficult.

You know him though, I might be comparing him to more extreme kids I work with!

See this is all I have done since he's been there - have his back. I've fought the school for a statement. No mums have ever spoken to me - which I don't care about anyway. Maybe 5 years ago but not now, I haven't got time for it. This boys dad is a teacher at the local comp and I think that school may act in this boys favour???

Im with SammySquirrel

Thats exactly how my son would see it and I totally understand why he would feel that way.

I think id probably agree with him TBH.

If this were my son and I made him share it wouldnt end well.

You could always make up some other excuse why he should be alone?

I think your son not being invited was shitty too BTW.

He has been looking forward forever to this. I don't want to make it a negative experience x

All the boys are supposed to be in DS tent.

I think the ASD is entirely irrelevant. The other boy has made is perfectly clear he doesn't like your son, so why in the name of feck should your son want to share a tent with him?

Let him sleep out in the rain and see how clever he thinks he is then.

Of course you have his back and fight for him on a daily basis. You're his mum, it's in your job description. I didn't in any way mean to imply you hadn't. Sorry if that is how it came across.

The school can't make you have another child in your tent. Tell them that you son won't be able to manage having anyone extra in it, if that is easier. But don't force your son to allow someone into his territory who has already excluded your son.

Oh no Sammy sorry I didn't mean it to sound harsh, I totally appreciate your advice Xx

Cross post.

You didn't say all the boys were allocated to sleeping in your tent in the OP. I thought it was just this boy. In which case I don't have clue as we're into the grey zone that makes my brain melt.

If all the yo's are supposed to be in your dss tent, then what is the alternative?

If there is nowhere else for the other boy to sleep then this is a non question because there is only one possible outcome.

You really need to find out what, if any, the options are.

I'm not sure what the options would be? Trying to get another tent or DS not going? We were one of only a few parents to offer a tent x

My old scout group used to loan out their tents (for a small donation). Could you ask your local group?

Sorry golden but I don't think you should sacrifice your sons happiness or peace of mind for a principle. Surely your own child should be your priority.