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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to appreciate the fact that DH has hoovered up ?

45 replies

expectmiracles · 11/09/2012 13:56

MY DH has his own company which means he works 24/7 especially at the moment as there's lots of stress and not much money.
So my part time work has slowly become full time and I'm starting to resent the fact that I am doing everything else as well.
I spoke to Dh who suggested that the kids do more... I do get them to help out but in reality them helping out takes longer and requires more energy than doing it myself.
Dh also says that I should create lists and delegate the tasks around the house which " I " want support with .
What he doesn't get is that I don't want to have to delegate . I want him to take the initiative! Why can't he create the lists and give me tasks instead ?

Dh also wants recognition when he does do the washing up or hoovers a floor... like he's done me a favour !

OP posts:
Shellywelly1973 · 11/09/2012 13:58

Look up flylady!

FuckityFuckFuck · 11/09/2012 14:01

YANBU

Since when did occasionally mopping a floor become a task for which utter gratitude should be expressed? It isn't doing you a favour, it is doing his share.

Stop doing all his washing, ironing etc and tell him you have delegated the task permanently

smalltown · 11/09/2012 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StormGlass · 11/09/2012 14:47

YANBU. It's an annoying attitude.

I've just started doing the same back to DH - "Look DH, I've cleaned the kitchen!" etc etc.

Too soon to tell if it'll have an effect though.

imnotmymum · 11/09/2012 14:49

Oh my DH does this. I washed up for you Grin, I put the washing on for you Grin. OK what do you want a medal oh no I know why you flagging this up ...Wink

ClippedPhoenix · 11/09/2012 14:53

YANBU this is one of the reasons I no longer live with DP and he now dates me instead Grin

imnotmymum · 11/09/2012 15:02

Oh it will have an effect I think men (sorry not totally generalising but...) just do not think. I say to him Oh DH have done the bin bags for you..he now just smiles but we still say it now it is a kind of joke. Do not get too annoyed just play him at his own game.

Nagoo · 11/09/2012 15:25

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmn.

If your DH works 24/7 than he is not sitting round on his arse while you are doing everything.

Normally I would be the first person to agree that this is very very annoying.

In the circumstances that you describe the domestic realm has been yours as you have worked fewer hours, so that is why he sees it as 'your job'.

Your hours are creeping up, but it sounds like his hours are longer.

Sorry but YABU. He has said he will help and is willing to change how things work, but you will have to sort it out. I don't think that is dickish if he is really busy.

NervousAt20 · 11/09/2012 15:29

One way to make him notice everything you do is to stop it all Grin

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 11/09/2012 15:35

What would he do if you weren't there, hire a cleaner or do it himself. People work who don't have wives... So, what is his pleasure, do some himself or get some cleaning hours to cover his bit?

OrangeLily · 11/09/2012 15:44

We go to the other extreme and are grateful for everything the other does.

However DH can sometimes be a bit of a numpty when it comes to cooking. Brunch on Sunday was made by me (two separate and creatively cooked items with accompanying drinks and cutlery) because he had 'made' breakfast the day before. He had put two weetabix in a bowl for me- no spoon, milk, drink or anything. Boo.

I can write lists of things to do much better than DH can but we both hate housework do go a cleaner. Much easier than arguing!

MrsBonkers · 11/09/2012 16:06

YANBU but at least he is working rather than dossing and expecting you to do it.

Its the "for you" bit on the end of the "I've done XYZ" that bugs me!

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/09/2012 16:13

I too have this. He empties the dishwasher for me, he washes up for me, etc etc. I just smile sweetly and let him carry on, as long as he is doing it. Grin

MrsKeithRichards · 11/09/2012 16:17

Dh mopped the floor once (he's done it more than once but I'm talking about this one occasion) but he went on about it n much I did give him a bloody sticker!!

Thumbwitch · 11/09/2012 16:18

oh yes, I can't be doing with the "I've done the washing up for you, I've just cooked you a lovely dinner" type attitude. No, you've done it because it was your turn and it needed doing.

However, if he did do it when it was my turn then I would thank him for it. But only for taking my turn.

Ephiny · 11/09/2012 16:21

I say thank you for cooking dinner (as does DH when I cook) as it just seems polite and nice when someone puts food in front of you.

But would not be impressed by any suggestion that him doing the hoovering was a favour to me though. Or that I should write lists and delegate chores - I'm not the housekeeper Confused.

larrygrylls · 11/09/2012 16:27

There are two questions. Firstly, are you, between the two of you, earning enough to have a cleaner? If so, then get one. Life is too short to be arguing about hoovering. If not, then you should probably seriously reconsider your businesses. There is nothing saying that the economic climate is going to get better soon and, if you are flogging a dead horse, it may be time to put an end to it and to get jobs (if possible) or for one of you to cut back on hours and focus on the house.

I do think it is reasonable for a single person to be in charge in each area of life. Otherwise things just become chaotic. I see two kinds of threads, ones that moan about people telling them what to do around the house ("controlling twunts") and the other about men who expect to be told what to do ("man children"). Seems like catch 22 to me! Really, someone has to take charge of that area and delegate appropriately. I guess it is best that this is made explicit from the outset. So, in this case, the OP really should either take charge and delegate or ask her husband to take charge and delegate...but then she should not complain when she is asked to do certain things.

gallifrey · 11/09/2012 17:12

I had a massive row with one of my ex's after he hoovered our flat and I didn't say thank you! Tosser :(

Peeenut · 11/09/2012 19:07

YANBU he may work a few more hours than you but that does not mean he can't take some responsibility, see a job that needs done, then do it. There is no reason why he can't look around the house on a Sunday afternoon, see it looks like shit and organise the kids to Hoover, clear their toys up, or whatever.

When I went back to work I got really sick of my brain space being used to micro-manage every mundane shit task. If one person doesn't ever take the initiative, by default it becomes the responsibility of the other to make sure it's done. I had to stop accepting the responsibility and on many occasions mirror the behaviour back.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 11/09/2012 19:14

You need to sit down and talk to him.

You both have full-time jobs, right? So you are both busy, there's nothing wrong with that but the situation has changed and you need to talk it over. There's no sense going in with inarticulate frustration or passive-aggressive strategies. You need to be very plain, and to explain that you are working longer hours and there's a problem. It doesn't sound as if he is intentionally winding you up (as we'd all hope! But it's important IMO to say this to him, personally, unless you think he is winding you up). But you are finding it upsetting that the way he talks, it comes across as if he thinks the housework is really your job and he just 'supports'. Ask him if he thinks it'd be possible to work out some plans that will make life easier for the both of you.

I hate that aspect of planning, and remembering, and co-ordinating everything and I agree, for lots of us who're not naturally systematic it's a stress and a chore. A lovely poster on here suggested to me that we make a list of tasks and write them up on the calendar, and that actually works quite well though I thought we'd hate it. If you can both programme it into an electronic calendar, the calendar will do the nagging for you, and you reduce the total amount of remembering/planning that needs doing.

Original poster
expectmiracles · 11/09/2012 20:49

Thanks for the input everyone . It seems lists of jobs to be done is the answer even if It has to include the bleedin obvious like empty the bin and feed the dog ! a crash course for Dh on multitasking wouldn't go amiss either. !

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 11/09/2012 20:50

Good luck!

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 11/09/2012 21:02

he works 24/7

Why can't he create the lists and give me tasks instead

that would be on account of him working his bollocks off 24/7 - you know, that thing, work

a crash course for Dh on multitasking wouldn't go amiss either

I really do see why, sometimes, why men get utterly fucked off with (quote) my part time work and up sticks given their partner doesnt pull their weight .

LRDtheFeministDragon · 11/09/2012 21:18

jumping, she works full time. She says so.

Now, I will go out on a limb ... but somehow, I don't think she intended you to take '24/7' literally. On account that, you know, he'd die.

So we assume he works really hard for a lot of hours. You know, that thing, work, that she does full time too?

holyfishnets · 11/09/2012 22:31

In your shoes, I would write down all the jobs you do each day then call a family meeting and get everyone to write up a rota together with DH holding the pen. Then discuss a reward system that can be put in place to enable the work.