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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My brothers both forgot DS's first birthday

34 replies

JacqueslePeacock · 11/09/2012 12:53

I am feeling really hurt about this but suspect I might be being unreasonable.

Both brothers are a lot older than me and their DC are 10-25 years old. In 25 years I have only once forgotten one of their birthdays - years ago when my niece was 13. My mother rang and told me that DB1 was extremely upset, so I quickly sent a nice gift and a "belated birthday" card apologising for being a forgetful idiot. I was eventually forgiven but it was quite a big deal at the time.

Last week my PFB turned one. Neither DB1 nor DB2 sent even a card. I feel really sad for DS. Especially since all of DH's family, down to his great aunties and even some of his parents' friends, sent cards and gifts. I know some families just don't do birthdays, but that isn't the case with mine.

I wish I could say something to them, but what could I say? I don't want to make a big family drama (my family has too many of those already). AIBU even to be bothering about this?

OP posts:

SoHHKB · 11/09/2012 12:55

Deep breath - and send thank you notes to all those who did bother

derekthehamster · 11/09/2012 12:57

I'd be emailing some photos of his birthday to lots of relatives, and include your DBs.

Passive aggressive, me?

QuangleWangleQuee · 11/09/2012 12:58

Normally I would say that if you don't celebrate the child's birthday in some way yourself, eg. party, then you can't really expect other people to celebrate it. A party or some sort of celebration normally serves to remind people of the birthday.

HeadfirstForHalos · 11/09/2012 13:00

Normally I'd say just leave it, but with the drama when you forgot one of their children's birthdays I'd say go with what Derek said

NervousAt20 · 11/09/2012 13:01

I would of said just move on but if you've forgotten once and they've made a big fuss over it and dragged it on and on then I don't think YABU. I would do as one poster said already email pictures of your DS on his birthday and include them to your DBs

ladyintheradiator · 11/09/2012 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marrow · 11/09/2012 13:03

I think YABU. There is no need to feel hurt on behalf of DS as he is none the wiser. My brothers don't remember my birthday let alone my DC's birthdays. I don't get upset about it though as they are just useless at remembering things like that. It doesn't mean that they don't care.

halcyondays · 11/09/2012 13:04

Yanbu, if they made a big fuss when you forgot, then they should be sure to remember your ds's birthday.

korvonia · 11/09/2012 13:05

I cannot believe that your DB was really upset about you missing your niece's birthday - bet it was your SIL, who is not bothering about your baby's now her own kids are older. None of the men in my or dh's families bother about birthdays; it is always the women.

ImPeppaPigOink · 11/09/2012 13:06

YANBU

I don't know what you could say though.

I'm in the same situation with DD's birthday (4 last week) and her Granny, Aunt and Uncle all forgot and haven't mentioned her birthday at all. This is the first time they forgot and DD has realised :(

PerryCombover · 11/09/2012 13:09

I never remember and am surprised when others do.
I hasn't occurred to me that they might be offended.
I am great at random gifts though so I think that makes up for it.

I wouldn't be passive aggressive about what I said. I'd be direct. That way messages cannot go astray or be missed.
Tell them it's important, to you, that they acknowledge your pfb's birthday. Don't mention that you did it for their offspring (they know that) or that there was ever a fuss ( might have been in your mother's head). Just calmly telephone or visit for a coffee and mention it.
Done

Purplehonesty · 11/09/2012 13:10

Your mother was quick enough to remind you so get her to mention it!

PerryCombover · 11/09/2012 13:10

korvonia

You are right all women are bastards

Original poster

JacqueslePeacock · 11/09/2012 13:30

Perry, you're right, the fuss might all have been in my mother's head - that is actually very possible, knowing her!

halcyon, it's hard to say if they would be mortified at having forgotten, or just don't care. That's partly why I'm so reluctant to bring it up - that and just finding it really embarrassing to have to ask them to remember my DS.

I know DS is too young to care at the moment, but I suppose I feel sad because it's part of a pattern of unequal input into the relationship. I do try to stay in touch (we all live far apart) and I make a big effort to remember their special days, yet it's often not reciprocated . I don't want to do less, because then the relationships will really slide - including with their DC, my DS's only cousins - but it would be nice if they could sometimes make an effort too. When we see my DBs, they are full of promises about staying in touch more and making more effort, but then they just...don't.

Perhaps I will go with the passive-aggressive photos idea! It's not like me to rock the boat with them but I really do feel sad about this.

OP posts:

LilyCocoplatt · 11/09/2012 13:31

YANBU to be upset, a close friend of mine who is also DDs godmother didn't even acknowledge her first birthday and I was hurt at the time but didn't mention it for fear of sounding grabby, but honestly I would totally understand if she was skint and had stuff she needed to get for her own kids but a card or even a text would have been nice.

JoshLyman · 11/09/2012 14:22

To run the risk of being sexist, it's usually women who do the birthdays. Where are your SILs in all of this? Do you have a good relationship with them?

Paiviaso · 11/09/2012 14:33

I was going to say YAB bit U until I saw the bit about a big fuss being made when you forgot a birthday. How unfair! Perhaps use your mother to cause a fuss back, since she passed on the message the first time?

How likely is it your brothers got a reminder of the birthday from your mum or someone else in the family? It is the first birthday, so they may have simply forgot when it is.

StormGlass · 11/09/2012 14:43

YANBU to be upset about it. Is it possible that they simply forgot that it was your DS's birthday?

I would ring up and ask them if they forgot, say that you are upset that your DS did not get a card and can they please make an effort to remember to send him a card for future birthdays, as this is important to you.

If you don't feel comfortable with the direct approach, you could always call up, tell them about DS's birthday and say what a shame it is that their birthday card to him got lost in the post.

Or get your mum to make a fuss on your behalf, like she did with your niece's 13th birthday.

Ephiny · 11/09/2012 15:04

Not all women care about babies and birthdays, maybe the SILs are like me! Though DH has MIL to remind him about his niece/nephew's birthdays, and tell him how old they are and what he should buy. I have zero interest in any of it.

I would just leave it tbh. I know what you mean about it being unequal if you've always made an effort for their kids birthdays, but really it's all a bit silly when you think about it, and it's easier for everyone not to set a precedent.

Thumbwitch · 11/09/2012 15:09

YANBU. It's the least they could have done, and if your mother was prepared to make a fuss over you forgetting one of their DC's 13th birthday, then she could have done the same for you and made a fuss to them over forgetting your DC's first birthday. Fair's fair.

I don't get on with my brother but I went to see his DC when born, and I sent them a first birthday card. He didn't even see my DS when he was born, nor acknowledge he had been. I couldn't be bothered to be hurt because he's a first class arse, tbh - but the unfairness bit rankled.

Startailoforangeandgold · 11/09/2012 15:47

Brothers, chances of males remembering birthdays is zero

Chances are DH will forget his own birthday. No way has he a clue when DN and DN's are. I'm not certain he knows his own DDs dates of birth unless they are in his works calendar.

RuleBritannia · 11/09/2012 15:51

I would just be proud and ignore it.

Carry on sending cards to them (if you do) and wait and see but don't make an issue of it if they just don't. Eventually, you will feel able to discontinue sending to them and will save on cards and postage.

whois · 11/09/2012 16:09

I was already to say YABU, but given they made a fuss when you forgot then I suppose YANBU.

Not worth falling out over tho. Probably ring them for a general chat and drop into convo the birthday. Or like already suggested email photo round to people and include them.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 11/09/2012 16:19

Both my brother and my brother-in-law forgot DD1's second birthday, and yes, I was miffed! I know she's too small, and it's not like we need any 'stuff' but an e-mail (to me, obv ) or a card or just a small pressie would have been a nice way of marking the day (and we all really do do birthdays in our family - and I always remember theirs).

I actually sent them an e-mail saying something like 'I know you've both got a lot on right now (they don't.... but I thought I'd ease into it ) but we were really hurt that you both forgot DD's birthday.' Worked very well - got a nice, apologetic e-mail back from both of them, and card/pressie in the post. They had genuinely just forgotten.

And yes, I find, as the WOMAN, I do all the birthdays/even so far as to reminding my brother of whose birthday is upcoming and when. Luckily he's getting married next year to lovely, sensible woman, and she won't let him forget -take- -over- -entirely-.

It's a blow for feminism, but what can you do?

LittleBlackDress · 11/09/2012 16:31

YANBU - if they made a fuss when you forgot, then they should make sure they remember too!

My dad and my DB are useless at remembering birthdays. I don't mind them forgetting mine in the slightest, but I don't want my DC to be hurt by them not remembering theirs. So when they were / are old enough to realise that grandad or uncle has forgotten them, I just remind my dad and DB that their birthdays are coming up. As an example, I might do that by way of an email a couple of weeks beforehand saying that the party we are hosting is really only for little ones but they are welcome to come along (no chance of that happening!) but they get a reminder without it being too in your face.

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