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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to buy my child one item of clothing?

61 replies

Spinity · 10/09/2012 18:11

I strongly suspect that many people will tell me to be more grateful and I can see that point of view.

My parents and PIL have bought ALL of my daughter's clothes since she was born. She is now 3.5 yrs. I can count 5 outfits that I have personally chosen to dress her in. She never wears clothes that are to my taste because I don't ever get to choose them. In her drawers/wardrobe currently are NO items that I have chosen at all.

I'm expecting next baby in a few weeks and have already been gifted lots of neutral newborn stuff, despite me saying that we have tonnes of usable neutrals from first child. both sets of parents are now waiting for the baby to be born so they can choose 'lots of lovely boy/girl things' (their words).

AIBU to feel a little sad that I have no say in what my children wear? For three years+?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinity · 10/09/2012 18:33

I know that I am v lucky to have generous family but it's become a little silly despite me and DH saying that we really do have enough. I'm thinking for this baby just being pretty firm and asking for specific items (books, toys etc) if they really absolutely must buy stuff. Or even nappies would be very gratefully received! Just totally overwhelmed with all the clothes now! Will try refund/exchange next time :)

OP posts:
GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/09/2012 18:33

Take item into shop - ask to swap it with X item of your choice. Done.

Or, buy stuff you like and keep one or two bits from each GP per age group and dress her in what you want.

This seriously should not even be something you should be getting in a tizz over.

«hands spare grip to OP»

TerraNotSoFirma · 10/09/2012 18:49

Is this your first? We have since had a DS last May, no-one buys nearly as much for him.

ItsMeYourCathy · 10/09/2012 19:08

I haven't read the whole thread but I totally understand. I have the same problem! My MIL buys my DS loads of stuff, to the point where it's a total waste of money if I buy anything. I appreciate it's all out of love but I do feel a but 'left out' IYSWIM.
Have no advice, just sympathy

coolerking · 10/09/2012 19:10

Agree with the rest,

  • swap it for something you like
  • ebay some with tags on
  • follow Startailfororangeandgold - comments about thinking about their education, saving for fees etc That is what my PIL do, along with the other presents. It feels so much more useful than more clothes.

I know it seems petty but I would feel the same, I like to dress my DCs and my style is less formal (plus I hate ironing shirts) and I hate PINK.

ItsMeYourCathy · 10/09/2012 19:11

And all those saying get a grip etc, I take offence to that. She's not complaining, she said shes grateful- it really does feel like being left out. Yes, it's only clothes at the end of the day but maybe some people (including me) feel like they want to do that.

lovebunny · 10/09/2012 19:16

spinity, you're obviously a very nice person, so thoughtful of others feelings in using the stuff they buy for your daughter but for goodness sake girl...

grow a pair!

listen, this is how it goes.

people give you stuff. you say 'ooh, lovely, thank you'. you make a mental or actual note of who gave it. she wears it once, when they can see. you ebay it. you use the money to buy things you and she like.

when they say 'where's the x we bought?' you say:

she outgrew it
it got spoiled in the wash
mrs x had nothing for her daughter to wear and our precious girl has so much, i knew you wouldn't mind if i passed it on
oh, it's around somewhere, but she loves wearing this...

eventually, they will get the message. drop hints that you'd love your children to have a pot of money on one side for when they are eighteen but you just can't afford to do it right now. congratulate them if they contribute to your children's savings.

good luck. and remember.... there's always the bin!

apostropheuse · 10/09/2012 19:20

I have to confess to buying a lot of clothes for my grandchildren, particularly the two that live with me with their mum. However, their mum and I have very similar tastes. Basically, you can never go wrong with NEXT! She's always delighted with the stuff I get and knows that it's easy to return it if necessary. I will readily admit that they do have too many clothes, but as the baby's clothes are always like new when she's finished with them we put them on freecycle, give to a charity shop, or ebay them. They really don't go to waste. We do the same with my grandson's if they're in good enough condtion by the time he's finished with them.

My daughter does of course buy the children clothes too, but because I buy so much it frees up her disposable income to buy good quality shoes, books, take them on outings etc.

Honestly, you're the mum. You buy the clothes you want to dress your children in, whatever isn't used dispose of it in an appropriate manner and explain to the grandparents that they had too many to wear. Simples.

You could always go shopping with them and let them know the kind of things you do like?

Original poster
Spinity · 10/09/2012 19:23

Thanks for all your replies! I do feel grateful, really but yes, feeling left out is the right way to put it. I detest pink, to the point that the only clothes I did buy her as a baby was a set of blue striped sleepsuits. Her GP's buy her everything pink, and I have asked countless times for other colours. So the clothes she wears are entirely not my taste but I feel like I've stuck it out long enough!

The imminent arrival of this next baby is making me feel like I do indeed need to 'grow a pair' cos I don't want to miss out a second time! Argh, such a petty thing to whine about I know. Clothes embargo in this house I think and return to store for any that make it through :)

OP posts:
3monkeys3 · 10/09/2012 19:24

I rarely put my children into things that others have bought for them, unless I like it or have coached them where/what to buy! YANBU to want to buy your own clothes - you are being daft not to have just got out and done it though!

Original poster
Spinity · 10/09/2012 19:27

Ps, just to illustrate how much stuff she gets bought, my MIL spent a good few minutes telling my DD how beautiful the dress she was wearing was and even checked the label to see where it came from before asking me who got it for her. You did, I replied.

OP posts:
bobbledunk · 10/09/2012 19:31

Just buy what you like as well. I don't really get your problem, we have more stuff than dd can wear thanks to generous relatives, I still buy her what I like and I make sure to tell people the types of colours/styles that are most flattering and comfiest on her so that it's all wearable iyswim, if she outgrows anything it goes to the charity shop whether she's worn it or not. It's very handy when there's always something for every occasion.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 10/09/2012 19:33

well in that case she wont notice if you thin it out will she?

a friend bought DS loads of HIDEOUS braned disney etc stuff, I'ld put him in it, took a photo to put on a moonpig card, then bootsale it where people LOVED that tat stuff and merrily snapped it up! then back into his scandi style stuff and everyone was happy!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 10/09/2012 19:36

I'll take the lot!

First I was saying 'oh, no! I dont want anyone giving me any stuff for DD.' and bow I'd kill fir some 'free' clothes. Doesn't help all the family live abroad. Although I understand how you feel.

nailak · 10/09/2012 19:38

i know how you feel actually.

what i did was just start buying my dd clothes, and when my lovely dm saw she had lots of nice clothes she cut down on the amount she gave.

Teamthrills · 10/09/2012 19:41

I would exchange for clothes that are to my taste.

TheCrackFox · 10/09/2012 19:41

My mum pulled a similar stunt when DS1 was a baby. It wasn't just generosity on her part but a big old dollop of being very controlling. Anyway, I did keep some but seriously I must have sold about 3 bin bags of unworn 0-3 months baby clothes at a car boot sale.

HeadfirstOverTheHighJump · 10/09/2012 20:26

If the clothes have tags on take 1/2 of them back to the shop and exchange for things to your taste. Then when you visit GP's dress her in the things they bought that you kept.

Bobyan · 10/09/2012 20:29

Just give them back to the Pil's and stop moaning.

Lambzig · 10/09/2012 20:34

I would hate that too.

Cultivate a reputation for being so picky that no-one dares to buy any clothes for your DC as they know you would only take them back (it works for me).

My DSis bought some stuff but I did take it straight back.

Seriously, just take them back and exchange (you can always say it didnt fit).

If you have another DD you can always say that you dont need any more clothes.

Xayide · 10/09/2012 20:44

I think the only option that's not been mentioned is to dye some of the pink clothes - pack of dye in the washing machine and they can end up looking better than they start IME - though that could be because we chose colours that suited DD better.

It really does sound like a long term behavior that you'll have to find ways of managing so you are happy with it.

DoMeDon · 10/09/2012 20:50

I get where you're coming from. You sound far from moany- grateful but a bit fed up - more than one emotion can be felt at a time. DD has been given endless clothes, seconds from kind friends, gifts from my aunt. I have 2 bin bags full of things she has to grow into. Very little of it would have been chosen by me. I am exceptionally grateful and I hate shopping but sometimes wish DD looked more like 'my' daughter than someone elses idea of a pink princess!

Socknickingpixie · 10/09/2012 21:10

i would go with the dye idea but do it really really badly so its botched and next time they come round get dd to wear item and say "well dd has decided she hates frilly princess stuff and wants to be a bit more edgy with fashion so this is what we made"

try not to wet yourself laughing at the faces you get

Raspberryandorangesorbet · 10/09/2012 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FloraPost · 10/09/2012 21:26

If you use the clothes, that shows the giver you welcome having them so it's not unreasonable that they continue buying. Why wouldn't they?

DS only wears clothes he's been given if I like them. Anything else gets a profuse thank-you, then given away. If you don't like the clothes, don't use them and get stuff you do like. The choice is entirely yours. Your action in using the clothes speaks louder than verbal protestations that you don't need more.