in thinking I'm a crap mum

[MTBMummy]

I tend to feel this way at the end of every weekend/ holiday and while DP thinks I'm being daft, I just can't shake the feeling that I'm an awful mother.

Don't get me wrong I love her to bits, and I wouldn't change a thing about her. My problem is that I work full time with a 4 hour a day commute, and I basically see DD each night with enough time to get her ready for bed and read her a bed time story, but that's it.

My DP is a SAHP and I know we're lucky to be able to afford to have this set up, but it drives me dippy, I can't keep up with DD's favorite toys/food/whatever fad she is into, I miss most of her school events (have attended 2 in the last 2 years) and the thing that gets me the most is that come the weekend, she's so happy to spend time with me, that she's completely full on and wants nothing to do with my DP and I struggle to know what to do with her, how to deal with her (granted very minor) strops and what her routine is.
I take her out, we bake, play, craft do all sorts of things together, but I really struggle to know if what I'm doing is age appropriate.

I literally end every weekend on the verge of tears as I feel like such a let down to DD, and I find I'm even more stressed than a full on week at work.

DP is desperate for a second child, and I cannot see how I could possibly cope, I even found myself saying (yes I did say this out loud) I'll agree to a second child if you promise never to leave me alone with both of them, never take any holiday, and give up your sport, because I won't cope.

I want so much to be the mum that my mum was to me and my sister, she worked and always had time for us, and I just don't know how she did it.

How do I stop feeling this low (I considered leaving a few months ago as I thought DP and DD would be better off finding someone else who could do a better job at being a mum than I can)
Does anyone else feel this way?
DOes anyone have any ideas on how to cope?

Sorry this has been a bit of a long ramble - I just feel so lost and a let down to my family

Talk to Xenia, she'll tell you that you're setting the best possible example.

I think you're being way way way too hard on yourself.
Do you actually get any time for yourself, is it all work & all parenthood?

Yes, YUBU to think you're a crap mum.

If you really WERE a crap mum, you wouldn't give a toss one way or the other. It wouldn't cross your mind.

Your dd is at home with her Dad, not farmed out to a stranger or at a nursery from 7am until 6pm.

You seem to do doing the activities I did with my DD at that age, so yes, I would say age appropriate. When you are there, you have time for her and do things together. You are part of her bedtime routine.

What other option do you have really? Could you give up work and your DH work instead? Could you work part time?

If not, then you are doing the best you can and what is right for you and your family right now.

Please don't feel like a crap Mum - you really don't seem like that to me.

Oh dear. Is there something going on at work to make you feel down or are you just tired? Because nothing you have said indicates that you are any kind of a bad mum. You do loads with her, and if she enjoys it then it's age-appropriate. But do you think you are trying to over-compensate for not seeing as much of her as you want to in the week? You don't have to have non-stop activities with her.
Your DP can keep you in the loop as to her routine and you should be handling the strops together so that she knows where she stands.
Is there more going on? Do you think you are in any way depressed? Because I really don't see someone who is letting their family down.

You're with her all or for most of the weekend. How does that make you a crap mother?

I think you feel guilty that you think you don't see enough of her. You see her at weekends AND you do fun stuff together.

What a lucky girl she is to have a mother who is so interested in her despite probably being shattered at the weekend herself.

You're not going wrong. Sounds like you're managing everything pretty darned well actually.

Can you move closer to your job?

A four hour commute! You could watch a new film every day!!! 2 even!

Thanks everyone for taking time to reply and your lovely comments - have had to disappear off to "get something out of my eyes" I never expected such supportive comments.

DP could start working, but it would mean I would have to continue working, so DD would have to go to a child minder 5 days a week, which was something we agreed we didn't want to do unless we absolutely had to. DP has never been work focused so unfortunately never really progressed his career, and would never earn enough to support us, and would be miserable trying to be frank. I've been very lucky in finding a career path that I really enjoy, but it is exhausting.

I have looked for work closer to home, but there really isn't much available, my job types tend to be based in large cities (which are horrendously expensive to live in) and we have looked at moving, but short of moving further away from work, we can't find anywhere affordable.

At the moment, my stress level is really high, and I do feel like I'm often running on empty, while I love the company I work for, my department is severely underfunded and I often have to do the work of two people just to meet deadlines. I'm typically up at 5 and get home just before 7, so I do know I'm missing out on sleep, but lie ins at the weekend are like gold dust as DD just wants to be with me. I don't get a lot of me time (maybe a couple of hours a month if I'm lucky - I don't know what is considered normal?)

I do secretly curse that during the week she'll climb into bed with DP and they'll lie in until 7:30 but come the weekend she's in our room at 6 wanting to play.

I'm interested in the depression comment, NannyOgg (love the name - am a big Terry Pratchet fan myself) how do you distinguish depression from just generally being down?

@Kayano - I do, do a lot of reading when I can get a seat on the train, and I'm not stuck with my nose in someone armpit - the Mumsnet Book club has been great for that :)

I personally think you need to find a new job. 4 hours commuting a day is a huge amount of time. If you could cut that in half that would be 2 more hours a day you could spend with your DD.

What about going part time say 4 days...and your DP getting a part time job and putting DD in child care 1/2 days a week. You may be financially slightly worse off but it would mean that you would get a day in the week to spend with your DD.

I am in a similar position to you and am the main breadwinner but luckily manage to only work part time but do feel guilty a lot of the time that I miss so much at school/ nursery and this morning I left before DD1 was even awake...

I woulld be knackered if I was commuting 4 hours a day.

wow, a 4 hour daily commute no wonder you are exhausted and feel you don't know your daughter. I work FT and have a 15 min commute and still feel I don't see DS2 from one weekend to the next. DS1 not so much as he is older and I see him in the evenings.

I think you sound very down to me and really need to ease up on your workload if at all possible. If not then at least give yourself some head space during the day by going to the gym at lunchtime or even one night a week. I do this and know that I won't see DS2 at all on certain days, but it is essential to allow me to clear my head.

btw you are not a crap mum at all, just a very tired one! Oh and it's always worse on a Monday don't forget

Don't know MTB, I'm not an expert and I'm lucky that I've never suffered myself, it's just your reaction to thinking of coping on your own and that you don't think you could, seem extreme to me for someone who is clearly doing a good enough job (I'm not being rude, I think that's all any of us do). There are others on here with true knowledge.
However, from what else you've said, you also have a fair bit of work stress too. Do you think it might be worth a chat with your doctor?
(And TP is brilliant, isn't he? )

I wish I could change my hours, but my job is really a full time or not at all type role, I do try to work from home when I can, but I always end up people putting meeting in which i have to attend, if I could get another staff member I think things would ease up a bit at work, but I know it's just going to get worse until after Christmas as that's our busy period.

@Nanny I decided to reread all his books last year - back to back, I have never giggled in bed so much (due to his writing not DP - before anyone asks)

I think I'll look up depression and see when I can next see my GP, I don't know if you can get mild depression, but I do know I feel down/hopeless/confused more often than not.

Oh - and no offence taken, a good enough job is about the right mark :)

Well I think you need one weekend lie in each- it sounds like your dd is old enough to understand. That way you will be a little less exhausted. And remember, you don't have to entertain her all weekend- its food for kids to be left alone a bit to develop their own interests. A full time working dad would not be criticised for havi one night out at the pub/ the gym, or spending a bit of w/e time playing golf or football- make sure you aren't tryin to make up for being at work all week, or dd will end up spoilt.

I work full time with a 4 hour a day commute

I think anybody would be ending the week stressed and tearful with that commute, OP, whether or not they have children.

You're doing an extra 20 hours a week - that's the equivalent of almost another 3 full working days. So you get to the end of the working day, already tired, and still have another 2 hours to go.

I think that's really difficult.

Sorry if I've missed it, but is there no chance to move to be closer to work?

Could you work 5 days worth of hours over 4 days? Ok it would be longer days but 4 hours less commuting?

The upside of a new baby would be a year of maternity leave so you van bond with baby AND DD. However, that isn't a good enough reason on its own!!! Can't you really push for a new staff member?

You sound fed-up, not a let-down or crap mum. Keep posting here, are you able to share this with anyone in rl too?

Depression can manifest itself in feelings of extreme anxiety, guilt, mood swings, persistent unhappiness, a general "foggy" feeling. When was the last time you had a medical? ^^ seconds NannyOgg's suggestion of making a GP appointment.

The 5 days done in 4, could be a workable solution, I hadn't thought of that - I'll have a chat with my boss when she's next about.

I currently start earlier so I can finish earlier so I get some time with DD, and she was great about allowing me to do that - I did consider moving my day even further forward - but I just couldn't face the 4am start (and I'd have to catch a bus because our local trains don't start that early.)

Not had a general check up since I had DD, and to be honest I'd already been told by my health visitor that I was considered in a risky situation as I had suffered DV from my ex husband (who I hadn't seen in 7 years at that point, but you know the list of questions they ask you ) so I was terrified of saying anything other than "I'm fine, everything is all good" in case they took DD away from me. I know it's stupid looking back now, but I had no idea at the time.

Maternity leave actually scares me, I don't want to get out of touch with work again, I had 6 months with DD and found it really hard to get back into the swing of work after that. But that would at least force their hand on the extra staff member.

I did always say if I had another, I would take the month off before I'm due so I can spend it with DD so she doesn't feel like she's being pushed aside - that thought makes me quite happy and very keen on the idea.

Would driving as opposed to public transport reduce the commute time at all, MTB?

As for people in RL - it's difficult, I've never been particularly outgoing, and because of our role reversal DP knows the mums better than I do, so I typically end up chatting with the dads at social gatherings.

And my family, well it is a bit of a mess, my mum is in the final stages of cancer, so I don't want to burden her, my dad is the same with his emphysema, and my sister while she cares, she just will offer me a glass of wine and try and brush it under the carpet, as she's struggling with my parents illnesses and is relying on me to emotionally support her as she's really not coping at all with it.

DP is great and tries to tell me I'm doing a good job, but I just don't feel it at all - I partially fear he is going to go off and have an affair with someone happier and a better mother, and sometimes I wish he would if it would make a better family than I can offer.

@Numberlock - it's central London, so driving would take even longer, a colleague lives two villages away from me, and her commute is between 5 and 6 when she drives. AT least on the train I can occasionally read a little

Oh lovey it's not just work is it

"Depression can manifest itself in feelings of extreme anxiety, guilt, mood swings, persistent unhappiness, a general "foggy" feeling"

Hmmmm - check, check, check, check and sort of check - GP it is then...