in thinking I'm a crap mum

[MTBMummy]

I tend to feel this way at the end of every weekend/ holiday and while DP thinks I'm being daft, I just can't shake the feeling that I'm an awful mother.

Don't get me wrong I love her to bits, and I wouldn't change a thing about her. My problem is that I work full time with a 4 hour a day commute, and I basically see DD each night with enough time to get her ready for bed and read her a bed time story, but that's it.

My DP is a SAHP and I know we're lucky to be able to afford to have this set up, but it drives me dippy, I can't keep up with DD's favorite toys/food/whatever fad she is into, I miss most of her school events (have attended 2 in the last 2 years) and the thing that gets me the most is that come the weekend, she's so happy to spend time with me, that she's completely full on and wants nothing to do with my DP and I struggle to know what to do with her, how to deal with her (granted very minor) strops and what her routine is.
I take her out, we bake, play, craft do all sorts of things together, but I really struggle to know if what I'm doing is age appropriate.

I literally end every weekend on the verge of tears as I feel like such a let down to DD, and I find I'm even more stressed than a full on week at work.

DP is desperate for a second child, and I cannot see how I could possibly cope, I even found myself saying (yes I did say this out loud) I'll agree to a second child if you promise never to leave me alone with both of them, never take any holiday, and give up your sport, because I won't cope.

I want so much to be the mum that my mum was to me and my sister, she worked and always had time for us, and I just don't know how she did it.

How do I stop feeling this low (I considered leaving a few months ago as I thought DP and DD would be better off finding someone else who could do a better job at being a mum than I can)
Does anyone else feel this way?
DOes anyone have any ideas on how to cope?

Sorry this has been a bit of a long ramble - I just feel so lost and a let down to my family

I think the GP appointment will help you, MTB. You clearly have a lot going on (understatement of the year).

Oh and don't like perfect be the enemy of good, a former boss once gave me this advice and it's stood me in good stead.

You lot are amazing, I never expected to write as much as I have, but you've made me see that I definitely need to get myself checked out and probably some help at work and for myself too.

Going to sign off for my commute home now - but will check back later

and thank you all for all your time, thoughts opinions and advice - it means more than I can express

(yes I know that's very un "mumsnetty" - but you are all great)

Your dd is at home with her Dad, not farmed out to a stranger or at a nursery from 7am until 6pm.

Yes, the sort of mothers that do that, they're the crap ones.

Bloody hell! You've got more than enough on your plate at the moment!

Oh god, just read the bit about your parents, you poor poor thing, no wonder you feel so low, and it doesn't sound like you even time to think about that, let alone prioritise it.

I used to commute four hours a day pre-baby and it was utter misery - no way I could do it now. Compressed hours or more working from home could help if they're options? But really it sounds like you need some time out to be with your parents and sister, not to mention DP and DD, and to be candid with DP about how you're feeling so you can come up with a solution together. You sound like a fantastic mum, for what it's worth, and I'm just so sorry things are so grim at the moment.

I just wanted to say that your family situation is very much like ours - except that I am the SAHP and DH works very long hours, with a long commute, and is away for weeks at a time.

I do not think that my DC suffer, because they have me as their 'primary carer' and then DH appears on the weekend (sometimes) to do fun stuff - they certainly don't feel deprived, and love him every bit as much as they love me.

I certainly don't think that you need to feel guilty - your DD is being well cared for, has your undivided attention on weekends and has a great role model.

In terms of the age-appropriate activities - I have to point my DH in the right direction here, so don't feel bad if you need your DP to fill you in on her current interests.

So - you don't need to feel guilty but you do sound as if you need some time to yourself, and that commute is a killer. Personally I would do all I could to change jobs, move closer, reduce hours, work from home - not because your DD is suffering in any way, but because you need time to breathe.

Vinomum - it wasn't meant like that at all

Reading it back I can see it was badly put, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that people who place their dc's in any kind of childcare are bad parents, not at all.

Talk to Xenia, she'll tell you that you're setting the best possible example
This made me spit out my coffee (morning here)

But in answer to your question, you are NOT a crap mum. However you are feeling crap and that is understandable. You want to connect more with your child.

I would say seriously re-think your life because if you're feeling this conflicted now, you will be saddled with regret later. In my view it is totally worth re-jigging lives to create harmony in the family and I mean harmony for you too, not just making everything work for your child.

Oh also, I felt a bit like you when my daughter was a baby and in FT childcare. I really wasn't happy with it. Eventually I left my job and it was a great decision, I felt like I got to know her and I've never looked back. Found a different job that suited our lifestyle.

YABU! You are not a crap mum! I haven't read the thread properly but it sounds like you've got a hell of a lot on your plate at the moment! What you are feeling is normal, anyone would be stressed in your situation.
You sound very anxious and lacking in confidence. Perhaps talk to your GP about the possibility of depression.
You say you want to be like your mum who worked and always had time for you but it seems to me like that's what you do already! I bet when your DD is older she'll remember how her mum worked but always had time for her.
My DH feels great about himself if he can provide for our DC, he's never spent more than an hour on his own with them, he's not always up to date with what they're into but they love him and think he's great! I think there's lots of pressure on mothers these days! If you were a bloke you'd probably think you were doing a fantastic job!

It sounds to me like you're stretched far too thin. You are showing some signs of depression but that could be just because you're exhausted, and not ill as such. You have a huge amount of stressful stuff going on and you need a break. Is there any chance of some sick leave/annual leave from work, some time to get your head together? It sounds like something has to change because if you continue this long term you're going to snap and end up very ill. No job is worth that.

no, you are far from crap. You provide for your child, you provide for your partner to stay home with DD, you show DD that gender doesn't dictate the role in the family. You give up your time to be with DD when you can rather than going off to play golf/gym/laze in bed with Rob Lowe on DVD (just me?). I think you are pretty bloody amazing.

Mind you I may be biased. I'm the working parent, DH stays home with our two, when I get home I am Mum 100% until they're in bed. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like the bad mum. But you know what? Your DD just thinks you are the best mum ever. Regardless of whether you know all the words to this weeks favourite song. Don't judge yourself too harshly, and please, allow yourself some downtime.

Thanks again everyone - haven't had a chance to jump on and say thanks for all the wise advice and encouraging words. Ended up working last night once DD was in bed, and it's been more than a little hectic at work today.

But I've made a GP appointment for Friday to have a chat about what I need to do, we've also just booked a week away in October (during which I think I'll book a spa treatment for myself) and I've booked off a few days to spend with my mum.

Thought brief passing chats with my boss - she's told me to sort out working from home days and to not worry about cancelling meetings on those days

So there is a light at the end of the tunnel - I feel marginally better for getting it all off my chest and for taking steps to fix (as much as I can) the root causes.

I guess my final hope is that DD doesn't get to her teens/twenties and have a go that I was never there for her, but I guess no matter what we do, we can never be sure of that.

PS - @AlicatDXB - I had to reread your post - was wondering how you managed to get Rob Lowe in your bed :)

Ah well, we working mums can achieve miracles... . sadly I'm in bed, he's on the dvd. Life is so very unfair.

MBT thats a good start. And you are right we will never know until our children are older whether they resented us not being at home more and the fact for most of us is that it isn't a choice we had available to make anyway.

One thing that I am glad about though is that I'm not the mum I met the other day who was a SAHM to 2 children and said she hoped that they appreciated when they got older the sacrifice she has made of her career to stay at home with them. Probably not I thought to myself and by that logic I hope my children don't resent me either. Most likely it will just be their version of normal.

is moving near to your work place an option?

A huge number of dads have a week that looks more or less like yours, with a long commute, all the responsibility for making sure the money comes in, and very little time to spend with their DC. I'm willing to bet the majority of dads in that situation don't feel they're being a 'crap dad' as a consequence.

There's this whole stereotype that dictates what mothers 'should' be doing; if your DP is doing that instead of you, that doesn't make you a crap mother. It makes you a dedicated parent, who's doing the important job of keeping the family afloat even at the expense of sleep and sometimes physical well-being. Combined with the strain of family illness, I'm not surprised you're feeling low; but for goodness' sake don't feel like a bad mother - you're clearly a loving partner and dedicated parent.

MTB you sound like such a lovely and caring mum, I don't have any advice really but if your daughter wants to spend all weekend with you then you are obviously doing a lot right! Maybe you should get her to get into bed with you at 6am and send your dh down to get breakfast in bed for you all?

Sorry about your family, that is bound to make a difference in your life. Make sure you look after yourself, when you are feeling at your best it's easier to see things from a clear perspective.

My Mum worked and it has never crossed my mind once to resent her for it. I am a sahm and I worry that I'm not setting a good enough example for my dd and always tell everyone I'll be going back to work as (I think) they tend to look at me like I'm a bit useless being a sahm. I think no matter what we do there'll be a tiny part of us feeling guilty.

I think you worry too much about your DD and not enough about yourself. She's fine, she has her dad at home fulltime, and her mum's attention all weekend, there's not much more she could ask for really. Plenty of children have two fulltime working parents and don't suffer at all for it.

I think you need to work on letting go of the guilt. Things are the way they are and you're doing your best. If you're really unhappy with the situation then change it, but if you're not going to change it then you need to make your peace with it and try to enjoy it as much as you can. This time will pass quickly and you don't want to look back and think you spent all of it worrying. It's not the ideal situation from your point of view but if you're happy in your job, DH is happy at home and your DD is thriving then you have to make the most of it and start living rather than wishing it all away and feeling things should be different.

It's good to hear you're making some changes and arranging some time off.

there is a light at the end of the tunnel well done MTBmummy, take care.