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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get pregnant again RIGHT NOW!!

26 replies

CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 11:09

Even though DH wants to wait?

We just had DS 8 months ago, and I said we would wait till DS was 2 before trying again. But now it looks like I will be changing jobs when my current contract is up (beginning of 2014), and where we live (Middle East) I need to be with the company 1 year before I can get maternity leave at full pay. (DH is going to Uni, so I'm the breadwinner). So that means no pregnancy till end of 2014 at the earliest. If we get pregnant right now the baby would be born next summer (when DH is off of school) and I'd have time to have maternity leave and go back to work and look for a new job before current contract is up.

Also, I'll be 34 in 2014, and well that isn't too old, I was internally planning for 3 so having #2 at 34 would push #3 till past 35, which increases risks blah blah blah.

Anywhoo, DH is totally against it and says I'm pressuring him. :(

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 10/09/2012 11:11

Why not wait until your husband has finished school and has a job though?

Original poster
CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 11:13

Because we can afford it now, and hubby won't be done school till 2015.

OP posts:
degutastic · 10/09/2012 11:13

You might find it easier if you get off mumsnet first... I don't think it's widely considered to be an aphrodisiac...

Or is the thread title not that literal Grin

juneau · 10/09/2012 11:14

Well, it takes two to tango! So yes, I'm afraid YABU. And 34 isn't old to have #2. I was 34 a month after DS1 was born and I had DS2 at 37.

Original poster
CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 11:15

LOL degutastic. At work at the moment, and would have to get the IUD removed.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 10/09/2012 11:15

It's not just about the money though, is it?

You and DH had already discussed it and decided you'd wait until DS was 2 and now you want to bring that forwards by a year and a half.

I think I'm with your DH on this one. Sorry.

GlitterPinkRubberDucky · 10/09/2012 11:20

I think if you can make it work financially go for it!

pinkdelight · 10/09/2012 11:23

But hubby is totally against it, so you shouldn't have one now anyway. If you'd planned to wait till DS was 2, you can still go with that, can't you? My maths is crap, but if you had a baby at the end of 2014, wouldn't you DS still be two for a while? And no, 34 isn't that old. I get where you're coming from, and sympathise, but it doesn't seem like the right reasons to forge ahead and have a baby if it's not wanted right now by both of you.

cantspel · 10/09/2012 11:23

Doesn't matter what mn says as as it is not us who are going to get yu pregnant.

And your dh is right you are pressuring him to have a child he is not ready for.

Original poster
CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 11:26

We originally planned to start trying again in September 2013 (a year from now). That was when I would be resigning with my current job, instead of looking for a new one. However, things have changed and I need to switch jobs in Jan 2014. So obviously getting pregnant in Sept. 2013 is out, as no one would hire a pregnant woman AND if I don't complete the first year of my contract I can't get paid maternity leave.

So now, instead of getting pregnant in Sept 2013, we are looking at Sept 2014 at the earliest. Which is why I would rather move it forward a year, rather than push it back a year.

OP posts:
anastaisia · 10/09/2012 11:30

YANBU to want to talk about what the job changes mean and how it changes the plans - DH would be unreasonable to insist that because you had a plan it can't change or be discussed.

But if he isn't ready to try for another baby yet it would be unreasonable to insist it needs to be now.

Original poster
CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 11:30

I'm not pressuring him, that's just his way of saying he doesn't want to talk about it. Basically he doesn't want to talk about it.

OP posts:
Emo76 · 10/09/2012 11:31

"DH is totally against it and says I am pressuring him"

YANBU to want another child but YABU to pressure someone in to it - perhaps he's found baby #1 more challenging than you

TroublesomeEx · 10/09/2012 11:40

He doesn't want to talk about it, because it's already been talked about and you want to change the goalposts because something in your situation has changed.

His situation still looks the same and so the original plan still works for him.

anastaisia · 10/09/2012 11:47

if they're a couple with joint finances then his situation HAS changed though. So he's being unreasonable to refuse to consider/discuss what the change means for the existing plans. If he's said he's not happy to try sooner so that unfortunately for the OP means that they have to try later then fine - at least he's acknowledged that the original plan no longer works for them as a couple. But if he's just refusing to talk about it full stop that seems unfair.

Kayano · 10/09/2012 11:50

You are pressuring him though

Original poster
CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 11:52

How am I pressuring him? I brought it up yesterday to discuss, he listened for 5 seconds and said no, he didn't want to discuss it anymore.

Since then I haven't brought it up.

But I have been in a rather down mood, as I really didn't want to wait 2 and a half more years to have our second child.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 10/09/2012 11:52

Well given that the OP's contract will be up and she will need another job, and that she is the breadwinner, that would seem to be a reason to not have another baby, not another reason to have one.

Not only that, but part of her husband's decision will have been based on his studies. It's one thing to have one baby when you are doing a degree, but to have 2 under two (which is what the OP is aiming for now) is a very different matter. Particularly if she knows her current contract will be ending.

OP, how certain is it you would secure another contract as soon as this one ends?

Kayano · 10/09/2012 11:55

Because you have already discussed it and planned to wait and now you want to change it and he is happy with what was initially agreed

And your use of caps and the fact it would have to happen 'RIGHT NOW' is very pressuring to think about such a huge thing

Maybe he is enjoying his child a while and doesn't want to change the agreement

Original poster
CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 11:57

It's 99.9% certain (I'll throw in the .01% in case the world ends or something). And most likely I will be making more money. The only thing I would be worrying about would be the health insurance at my new company wouldn't be as good. That's really the only good thing about the current company, for whatever reason they have AMAZING health insurance. However the pay isn't that great (in comparison to what others in my situation are making here, but more than enough to pay for DH, myself, DS, the live in nanny we're getting in Feb & a potential other DC).

OP posts:
Some0ne · 10/09/2012 12:02

Honestly, I think you have a point. It's not unreasonable of you to want to reconsider the whole thing, given that your work circumstances have changed.

However, if he doesn't want to rush into another pregnancy, he shouldn'e have to.

Original poster
CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 12:29

All well and good that he shouldn't have to rush into another one, but I feel it's really not fair to me to have to wait an extra year either.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 10/09/2012 12:33

But surely a baby is something you will have together, because you both feel it is right and you both want one.

As I've read so many times on these sort of threads, not having a baby is the natural state and the one that will be maintained, having a baby will be changing things. It's less unfair for you to have to wait than for him to have a baby he doesn't want at the moment.

Having said all this, I do understand how you're feeling and why, I just think that, unfortunately, when there is no middle ground and only one of you can 'win' (for want of a better expression) no baby/upholding the original plan is the one that sticks. You've changed your mind. He hasn't.

Original poster
CrackerJackShack · 10/09/2012 12:42

Well then AIBU to be really depressed that I have to wait a year longer than I wanted to.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 10/09/2012 12:44

No, YANBU for that. Smile

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