to wonder if I gave my teen more, she would be nicer?

[awfulteenagerhelp]

Teen DD 14 is very, very difficult. Constantly bad tempered and rude to us, particularly in the mornings. So much to list but examples are being horrible to 10 yr old dd on the walk to school so that she is in tears by the time she gets there; shouting and stamping about constantly; constant low level aggression and inability to be remotely civil to us and often is unspeakably rude to me and her dad, and her sister.

She is the most hard-done by person on this planet. All she ever sees is what other people have that she doesn't and feels aggrieved. We are by no means rich, I am a SAHM and my dh earns a reasonable salary - we have quite a small house but have everything we need, always have nice food and go on at least one holiday per year, and the kids get decent stuff from nice shops when they need it

For example the other day she went into town with a friend (who gets handed tenners every day). The hour before going in she was really horrid and bad tempered, so as a result all she was given was her tube fare, while friend had a tenner and bought lots of stuff. They weren't going for lunch or anything, just to look around the shops, but she came home and said she hated her life as she never gets anything. But I just find it so hard to justify buying her anything other than things she needs like shoes and coats and jeans when she is so unpleasant all the time. However I've recently started wondering , is that why she is so horrible? If I got her more treats, would she be a nicer person, or just more spoilt and unpleasant?

One word: no

Does she get enough sleep?
Does she have any money of her own to spend?

Wot AF said.

Yep, what AF said, she would just expect more off you all the time

no, you would be rewarding bad behaviour!

a no too here i'm afraid.

i do think having her own pocket money might help. or the ability to earn pocket money at least.

Can she earn some money? Mine do jobs about the house & keep their room tidy to get pocket money, I dont just hand it out. Would that work?

She'd just be more spoilt and unpleasant I'm afraid.

My 15 year old daughter is similar, what ever we do it's not enough. She claims that she has nothing and forgets all the stuff we've bought and she discarded after just a few wears.

It will pass eventually but it's hard going.

Agree with those saying get her doing work around the house to earn money if she wants more. She needs to learn that nothing comes free, and certainly not to those with a bad attitude.

I agree with the ^posters, it would be a big NO from me too. But at 14 I had a job - well, cleaning and babysitting so I was able to earn some cash, any chance she could do that too?

Btw, I was awful at 14, I remember it as being a really horrible age. My hormones were all over the place and consequently my moods were really unpleasant. I was very unhappy really.

I think you have to give firm boundaries and show a lot of love, however it gets hit back at you and know that it will pass.

Er...no.

Sorry but if she's rude and miserable to everyone, nasty to her siblings etc why on earth would you reward that?

I have a 14 year old dd. and let's be honest, teenage girls are not the easiest people to live with but still, you can't just throw money at her in the hope it will make her nicer. Because IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.

She will know every time she wants any thing she just has to act like a horror and you'll give it to her.

Does she get pocket money? Is there any way she can "earn" extra money at home?

Stuff and things do not make children happy I don't care what anybody says , could you give her some chores could she get a paper round , she sounds really grumpy and bad tempered but as a mother of 2 teens I feel your pain I have a 14 yr old and a 19 yr old it does get better, But handing out tenners is just a temp solution imo she will jsut want more and more and your house will be filled with crap from clares

Another NO from me, too. I have a DD (15, 16 soon) and she has been horrible for it seems like absolutely years. We have (fingers crossed) turned a corner now and she's becoming more civil and joining in with family stuff more.

She had a paper round from when she was 13 as we don't have any spare money.

I think you need to do two things - keep saying to yourself that the moods, grumpiness, rudeness will pass (and I have to say that DD was much nastier than DS1, but I did treat her a little bit differently otherwise we'd have been at each others' throats nearly all the time) and also, encourage her to get a job, any kind of job, or make her do jobs for extra chores if she can't find a job in this difficult job climate.

She needs a little bit of money of her own. I wouldn't just give her pocket money; she needs to earn it and realise the value. Good luck with whatever you decide.

when she was a toddler did you give in when she threw a tantrum to get what she wanted, If not then just revert back to her toddler days when do meant no Ignore the bad reward the good

Does she get her own money? Is she able to earn some? Ime pocket money is key to responsibility and good behaviour.

I doubt she'd be any nicer. 2 suggestions though, have you thought about giving her a clothes allowance, no more than you already spend on things she needs but budgeting control passes to her, and secondly can she earn some money for the things she wants with a paper round/ babysitting type job?

Agreeing with all the ones who said: no. I used to have this with eldest DD, whenever she got what she had nagged for there wasn't a moments gratitude and it was on to nagging for the next thing.

Have you thought about the allowance route? With strict guidelines about who is responsible for what? With aforementioned DD it worked, we sorted a bank account, agreed what we would buy (school uniform, necessary toiletries, necessary clothes and the mobile phone bill, probably other necessities that I'm forgetting) and she would henceforth be responsible for all the other stuff she deemed necessary (horrible clothes, cinema, parties, iTunes etc etc). We had a hellish few months whilst she burnt through the months worth of allowance in the first week (and do not give them 'advances' on next months ever ever) but she has since got better. I do think it has some value in teaching them to budget.

Just basically no like all the rest - she should learn that she is not "entitled" to handouts and that she has to fit into the family team. Make her earn her money by helping and adjusting her attitude. I have a 16 and 14 year old by the way - it's interesting that the teachers at their school reckon 14 is the worst age and after they start to settle down a bit. This seems to have been the pattern with my eldest so hang in there.

Well, I think she should receive spending money each week. And perhaps if her marks are ok in school she could get a part time job on Saturdays or a babysitting job?
I had a friend who was in a horrible mood on the way to school each morning, I never knew why. She had the nicest parents and her brother wasn't annoying.
I wouldn't like my younger child's morning being soured, so maybe a heart to heart type of talk would help? Sometimes a child angry at the world doesn't realize it actually affects their loved ones.
Do you and she have mother daughter times together, shopping, lunch etc?

Absolutely not. Then it'll be 'Friend had £50 to spend and I only had £20, woe is me, life is awful and I hate you'. I think you need to get the message through that you will not reward bad behaviour and the situation will not improve until she tries harder.

in my limited experience 14 is a nightmare DD2 is turning into a monster

No.

But, mine have an allowance every month (they need to also help around the house), they have a rota for bringing the washing down, setting the table, dishwasher etc.

Ds1 (15) gets £40 and Ds2 (13) gets £24, they have to pay for their top ups out of this, but that is it.

They can earn extra by washing/hoovering our cars or mowing the lawns.

Both of my Ds's have to learn to budget their money - they have a debit card.

Is she getting money to spend? Maybe if she is you might have to look at the amount and think again, or if she isn't then start to introduce an allowance.

No way in hell! Get her volunteering until she understands how lucky she is. And if she wants money, make her earn it.

dd2 is dreadful with glimpses of being great. She is 15 but has been pretty awful on and off since 12. Cannot force her to do anything, will be spectacularly rude sometimes.

She gets, just like her older sister, £40 per month direct into her bank account. I do not,and will not, discuss money other than this. I buy her clothing from New Look, H and M ect. I will not give her money for clothes because she will spend £100 on milkshakes for her friends, lunch and come home with 2 tops.

I will not discuss clothes other then the times i take her shopping, which is every 13 weeks (4 times a year). If she wants something in the meantime, she can budget for it.

When she used to complain that her friends had more, i just said "Good for them." Their parents might/might not have more money/generous grandparents/credit cards/whatever. and refused to have any more discussion.

No from me too.

We always say we will get them what they need anything else has to be earned whether that's in the home or not. Obvious exceptions are birthday/Christmas.

Ds1 is 16 now and has had a Saturday job for over a year now. He hated the rules at first but loves the fact that he can get what he wants now as it's his money because he earned it. It has also made him take less for granted and appreciate the value of money more.