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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder if I gave my teen more, she would be nicer?

40 replies

awfulteenagerhelp · 10/09/2012 09:49

Teen DD 14 is very, very difficult. Constantly bad tempered and rude to us, particularly in the mornings. So much to list but examples are being horrible to 10 yr old dd on the walk to school so that she is in tears by the time she gets there; shouting and stamping about constantly; constant low level aggression and inability to be remotely civil to us and often is unspeakably rude to me and her dad, and her sister.

She is the most hard-done by person on this planet. All she ever sees is what other people have that she doesn't and feels aggrieved. We are by no means rich, I am a SAHM and my dh earns a reasonable salary - we have quite a small house but have everything we need, always have nice food and go on at least one holiday per year, and the kids get decent stuff from nice shops when they need it

For example the other day she went into town with a friend (who gets handed tenners every day). The hour before going in she was really horrid and bad tempered, so as a result all she was given was her tube fare, while friend had a tenner and bought lots of stuff. They weren't going for lunch or anything, just to look around the shops, but she came home and said she hated her life as she never gets anything. But I just find it so hard to justify buying her anything other than things she needs like shoes and coats and jeans when she is so unpleasant all the time. However I've recently started wondering , is that why she is so horrible? If I got her more treats, would she be a nicer person, or just more spoilt and unpleasant?

OP posts:
Startailoforangeandgold · 10/09/2012 10:23

All teens, however badly they behave, need the bare minimum of pocket money to function in their normal weekly routine. Plus a bit to start learning to handle money and have a bit of freedom. Giving them this is just part of being a parent, like feeding and clothing them it's part of the deal. This should only be docked for breaking or losing really expensive things, stealing, smoking, very major crimes.

They have absolutely no right to demand extra. Extra has to be earned either by doing jobs or simply being pleasant, appreciating what's done for them and saying thank you.

We live in the middle of no where, so extra here is paid as much in petrol as hard cash.

My 14yo is lovely, but it's already been pointed out to her much more sociable and wilful younger sister that cheating Mum greatly reduces the taxi service.

Startailoforangeandgold · 10/09/2012 10:24

Cheeking Mum and indeed general the world revolves around me behaviour.

BellaVita · 10/09/2012 10:27

Star, we also live in a village. DS2 bikes quite a lot to other villages to see his friends but sometimes i give him a lift and in he return has to do a "smallish" job/errand for me for the petrol money.

greenhill · 10/09/2012 10:32

I don't have a teenager, but I remember the woe-is-me, peer pressure about spending money and grumpiness. Hormones/ emotions are so charged at this time.

Make your teen work for some pocket money: emptying the bins, putting the washing on the line, cleaning the bathroom, doing some of the ironing, washing the car or washing up etc. If there is a reward for completing a few of the above tasks and she is using her time constructively (as well as doing her homework) she should feel that she is earning some money, not just expecting it from you.

It will be handy for her to learn to budget and know how much things cost as well as their true value.

Mrsjay · 10/09/2012 10:32

star nobody is saying that a 14 yr old shouldn't have money but rewarding strops and tantrums and down right meanness isn't the way to go for a quiet life, the Op could change how her dd gets money to go into town or whereever, but chucking money at her is only going to be a temporary solution to her behaviour and she got her own way, having teenagers is about compromise .

midori1999 · 10/09/2012 10:37

What's wrong with sitting down and talking to her about how she feels and why? Obviously at a time when she's not in a mood. Ask her what you can do to make her life better or to make her happier and then come to an arrangement you are both happy with, be that giving an allowance in return for jobs around the house/trying to be more pleasant, or a basic allowance and then extra only if she does things to help. This will give her the chance to earn some money and make her feel like she counts and you're prepared to listen to her.

SayersIsBetterThanGreggs · 10/09/2012 10:56

She wouldn't have even got her tube fare out of me !

PizzaSlut · 10/09/2012 11:01

No, DD1 is vile like that at the moment.

We pay for her basics and phone, she has a debit card with a set amount paid in each month. If she wants anything she uses it that to buy it. If she runs out of money then its tough luck.

Rewarding bad behaviour and giving her more will only make her more spoiled and entitled and she will still only want more.

halcyondays · 10/09/2012 11:06

Does she get pocket money? Does she get to choose some of her own clothes? At 14, I chose most of my own clothes, "decent clothes from nice shops" makes it sound like you choose them!

Goldenbear · 10/09/2012 13:31

I don't have teenage children but I think it depends on what spending money she currently has. If she is always grumpy does she always end up with just the tube fare as a result of this behaviour? I mean is it a cycle that needs to be broken with you instigating this as you're the adult.

Although not a popular view I don't think handing out a tenner now and again is going to make her spoilt or grasping. On the contrary the occasional gesture might have an impact on your relationship in a good way. I was the kind of teenager that got handed tenners, I also got an allowance from my Dad but that was guilt money I think as I had to move from London to Shropshire when my parents got divorced with no offer of staying put with him in London hence the allowance. When I was 16 I was encouraged to get a Saturday job so I was well off for a teenager. I had a friend who never had any money and her parents were well off, TBH it didn't make any difference to the kind of people we were but i really appreciated my mum sometimes giving me a tenner to enjoy myself and felt sorry for my friend who was always in a position of struggling which ruined the fun for her on occasion I think.

Startailoforangeandgold · 10/09/2012 14:43

There are days when I feel DD2 may do a lot of cycling, when she's older.

At present I have to say neither of them are silly asking for money, but DD2 can be very preteen stroppy.

I can see her wanting to do things as a family in the holidays, turning into I want to go to town, cafe, cinema, shopping etc with her friends next summer.

I suspect DD1 and I will get very fed up of her. DH finds her wearing enough already.

AdoraBell · 10/09/2012 15:09

No, however much you give it will never be enough. I see this already with my 11 yr olds, so I give them nothing. They earn pocket money and now that we are currently close to skint that pocket money is being saved in Bank of Mum, because Dads Bank is far too loose with its regulations.

Does she do anything around the house? if not then you could start paying her small amounts to do chores, whatever you can afford and think is reasonable rather than what she thinks is reasonable.

niceguy2 · 10/09/2012 15:32

Hell no. Giving her money now because she's kicked off and being a mardy moo is simply rewarding bad behaviour.

When my DD was 12 I gave her a clothing allowance/pocket money which I've increased as time has gone on and she's shown she can maturely save/spend it. She's 16 in a couple of weeks and she's done ever so well from it. It really has taught her the concept of saving and how to shop smartly. She managed to save up a bit, combined with some babysitting money and recently bought herself some Toms (or is it Vans...I forget). Anyway, they were £50 which is more than I'd spend on a pair of shoes but hey...she saved for it, worked for it and so she should be free to spend.

OP, what I'd do is set her a bank account up with a cashcard. Put money in each month and it's up to her what she spends it on. Start off low because initially she'll splurge on any old crap. But over time hopefully she will learn and it will give her some much needed independence.

Parenting teenagers is all about giving them more space so they can stand on their own two feet when they are adults without coming back to the bank of mum & dad every week.

Naoko · 10/09/2012 15:48

No, not in and of itself, but does she have any money she has control over? That'd be good from her both from a perspective of learning to budget and for feeling grown up and like she can make some of her own choices. I think I was 14 when I was given a clothing allowance; as I was still quite young the agreement was that I'd buy things like jeans, tops, jumpers, and my parents provided the really big expensive things you absolutely can't do without - winter coat, winter boots (medical problems mean my most suitable shoe is the kind of high quality knee high leather boot that you won't find under £100 unless lucky in the sale), waterproofs (cycling 5 miles to school and back). I was fairly sensible about money so I think they were quite confident I wouldn't blow it all on one expensive brand item, but if I had they'd have let me make that mistake.

I also always got some pocket money, which I was supposed to split three ways - a third into my savings, a third into 'holiday savings' (spending money for summer holiday), and a third to do with as I wished, be it blow on sweets or save for something I wanted. Always worked well. My parents were well off and are generous people so they would also give me the occasional tenner as a treat (for example, if I was going into town with my best friend they'd slide some cash into my pocket and tell me to buy both of us ice cream) but that should never be the expectation and you certainly aren't horrible not to.

What made me sensible about money, I think, was that my parents have always been very open about money. They never said 'your dad makes xxx amount per year', but I always knew (at least from when I was old enough to understand it) that we were in a certain income bracket, some people had more, others less; and also they discussed openly (not with me as such, just in my presence) what things cost and how they arranged their money so I learned about mortgages, life insurances, pensions, investments etc. My DP's parents were very hush hush about such things and as a result he is fairly clueless to this day, they're of the opinion that children don't need to know such things, which is fair enough I guess, but they also didn't teach him about handling money in a general way and THAT is bad. He never had any as a child/teenager, so never learned to budget, never learned about financial affairs. He's smart and reasonably sensible so once he was thrown in at the deep end when he moved out he figured out at least the basics and didn't end up in trouble, but I'm still the far more clued up one.

Sorry, bit of an essay. What I'm trying to say is, no, you shouldn't give her more money to make her less horrible, she's 14, I'm sure I was horrible when I was 14 (my mum will probably confirm this :o ) but in a more general sense, it might be good to start thinking about how you want her to deal with and learn about money. You don't have to tell her more than you're comfortable with, but it'd be good to give her some insight into how household finances work, not by sitting her down and showing her, but just by making sure it's talked about, not a taboo subject.

Donkeysdontridebicycles · 10/09/2012 15:56

Sorry you're having a tough time. I don't think giving her more would be the way to go, when would it stop?

Can I ask, is this behaviour recent, is she finding school okay at the moment? Any bullying issues?

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