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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my 18 month old play in the garden without holding her hand.

64 replies

Dramajustfollowsme · 09/09/2012 20:17

Just spent the afternoon with DH's extended family. The children were playing in the garden. And whilst I was with my dd incase she got too near the older children, I didn't hold her hand the whole time. I let her explore and play with her cousins.
I got a telling off from dsil for not holding her hand in case she fell. We were on flat grass, I was right beside her and she has been walking since she was 10 months old.
I also helped her up the stairs of the toddler chute but let her slide down herself. She was perfectly fine and really enjoyed it. However, my dfil gasped and made a huge fuss. I was right beside her and he chute is only about 50cm high.
I just couldn't see what was wrong with what I was doing but everyone else bar my dh thought I was out of order.
Dmil eventually tutted then took her hand, leading my dd away from me to "look after her properly!" I got really pissed off at that, took dd back and went inside to play with playdoh instead.

OP posts:
apostropheuse · 09/09/2012 20:36

Oh my goodness you did nothing wrong. It sounds like you were being adequately vigilant, whilst at the same time allowing your daughter age-appropriate independence.

Your in-laws, on the other hand, need to relax!

FantabulousFryingPan · 09/09/2012 20:38

My in-laws find lots of things 'dangerous'. It's just a way of criticising but in the name of looking after the child. I just take the piss. The best one was that crisps were dangerous. The sharp edges might cut the child's mouth. Only soft crisps such as carrot sticks, quavers or wotsits are acceptable.

Pochemuchka · 09/09/2012 20:40

Wtf? They are nuts!

They'd have a coronary if they saw what my 18 month old DS does in our half paved back garden (climbing, crawling, running) He would be very unhappy if I tried to hold his hand (and rightly so!).

susiegrapevine · 09/09/2012 20:40

YANBU!! When my ds was that age and a bit younger he was climbing the (admittidely small and designed for younger children) cargo net up to the small slide at the park!! I can't believe your IL's behaved like that!! I would have been soooo mad!

Sossiges · 09/09/2012 20:40

Without reading OP or any of the replies (yet) I was thinking to myself "more unreasonable to be holding her hand all the time". So YANBU (and now I shall read the rest...)

nextphase · 09/09/2012 20:41

I'd say your doing a fab job of raising an independent little girl, who will know what her limits are, as she was able to test them when small in a controlled environment.

Another one here whose 16 month old goes up about half a dozen steps and down the slide on his own.

I was holding both his hands when we were paddling in the sea this afternoon tho.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 09/09/2012 20:42

Another one your FIL would hate. Has always used cutlery, runs without hand holding, climbs and wipes out without tears. Adventure Baby we call her.

Startailoforangeandgold · 09/09/2012 20:46

YANBU

DD2 (9 at the time) had to give lessons in 18 month old handling to some very PFB parents.

They ended up being very relaxed wedding guests and dancing at the evening do. They weren't planning to stay.

DD2 is very good at small children and the venue had a lovely safe garden. DD wore her out beautifully and she slept in her push chair while they danced. They met dancing.

They really hadn't realised that their beautiful DD was no longer a helpless baby.

Napdamnyou · 09/09/2012 20:49

I lay in the breaking waves at the beach today whilst me 21 month old son wandered about the beach all on his own (within my line of sight). The sand slowed him down considerably and had the pleasing bonus of exhausting him as he struggled along with his bucket of water, so all I had to do was occasionally get to my feet and recapture him when he got too far away, and then let him toil off again.

If I had been holding his hand all the time we would both have got hot and cross.

maddening · 09/09/2012 20:53

My ds is a little explorer at 19mths and has been doing this for several months - from about 14 mths I'd say and is very confident.

I always let him run free but with me right behind him and to help him if necessary - and stop him picking up rubbish and if in the park dog poo and fag ends etc. Up steps also although he goes up the slide and down himself or the big climbing frame with rope bridge and i just follow him on the ground.

He also will (occasionally ) walk holding my hand on the pavement but depends where we are.

he climbs low branches in the park too and we spend more time going through the bushes and round the trees than on the play equipment.

So Yanbu - if they walk confidently why would you hold their hand if the area you are in is safe?

NellyJob · 09/09/2012 20:55

yanbu ....not at all.
seriously, they feed their nine year old?
that is quite odd.

FeersumEndjinn · 09/09/2012 20:56

What silly inlaws you have. Ignore them. Don't let them take DD away from you in such a context again - that was seriously out of order of them.

Arseface · 09/09/2012 20:59

Barking but funny. What did your DH think?

ChasedByBees · 09/09/2012 21:00

I would have gone nuclear if my inlaws implied I was a bad parent and tried to lead my child away. Nuclear.

Sossiges · 09/09/2012 21:03

My mum does this, I hate it. I spend half my life rolling my eyes and thinking "oh ffs, get a grip". I don't know why people do this - are they really such wusses or is it a passive-aggressive "I'm being really protective and you're not" kind of thing?
My 9 year old niece was visiting and she closed the stairgate "in case she falls down the stairs" ShockConfused

Sossiges · 09/09/2012 21:08

I would have burst a blood vessel at the leading away stage, or decked MIL so I think you were very well-behaved

Wallace · 09/09/2012 21:09

Shall I send them a video of my 20 month old on his balance bike whizzing round a skate park and mountain biking?

That'll solve the problem because they will be dead from shock...

tryingtonotfeckup · 09/09/2012 21:10

Awesome, I thought my inlaws were quite protective but nothing on this level.

Whenever one of mine fall over they rush over straight away and fuss, I just wait, if they cry I go over otherwise they get up and keep on playing. Bugs me, I want them to be independent and adventurous, not crying about every little thing.

What does your DH do? Does he stick up for you, do the same thing with your DD?

biddyofsuburbia · 09/09/2012 21:12

YANBU, what nonsense! When my DH was about 18months there is a picture of him climbing fairly high up some huge sea defence boulders! My ILs presumably thought this was amusing and rather than stopping or rescuing him thought it was a great photo opportunity. My MIL was a GP!

Possibly not what I would let my DCs do but I think wandering around a grassy garden exploring, whilst supervised by you sounds lovely for your DS! As for not letting a nine year old use her own knife and fork Shock I assume she must take a packed lunch full of soft pap for her school lunch.

biddyofsuburbia · 09/09/2012 21:16

Sorry Op, DD even!

5madthings · 09/09/2012 21:16

yanbu at all, they sound nuts! they would have a fit at my rather lax, stand and watch the kids get on with and intervene if really necessary parenting!

and i let little ones crawl around the garden before they can walk Shock

you sound fine op, they sound overbearing and quite mad!

5madthings · 09/09/2012 21:18

and my dd is 21mths is a jump back up and get on with things toddler, yes she tumbles sometimes but i dont run to her immediately, i often just say 'jump up merry you're ok' if she is looking unsure, but most of the time i dont even have to say that!

Original poster
Dramajustfollowsme · 09/09/2012 21:21

I've had the crisp comment to fantabulous! Grin My dh and I are very used to ignoring comments about all aspects of life not just parenting.
I think because dsil was of the same opinion though, it made me worry.
It affects dh more than me but they are the only family close to us.
Th
Thank god my side of the family are more laid back!

OP posts:
MagicHouse · 09/09/2012 21:50

YANBU - they sound a bit nuts!!
I think you should spell out to them (as politely as you can) that you don't hold her hand the whole time/ you do let her climb and explore/ she can use cutlery etc etc because you strongly believe that this will give her independence/ allow her to think for herself/ allow her to make choices/ develop her personality and intelligence. Ask them not to comment on your parenting, because it won't change your mind, and tell them you won't be rude about their parenting either when it differs from yours Wink
If you don't spell it out, you'll be more likely to have YEARS of it!

Tigresswoods · 09/09/2012 21:52

I've always been v relaxed about my active toddler. Other people seem more worried. I found the reason is you know what they can do/handle, others do not. That's why they were worried.

You did fine.