To have lost the plot with 11 year old DS re attitude?

[CiderwithBuda]

we moved from Hungary back to UK last summer. He is in a nice prep school. Really struggled to settle. We have bent over backwards and been ultra gentle and understanding pretty much. He has been allowed more leeway over playstation and tv than we are happy with but is an only child and has no friends locally.

Went back to school on Thursday. All fine. Overnight camp out on Friday night with school to help all the new kids (Year 7) bond. No problems. Enjoyed it and had fun.

He does seem to hold himself back with regards to messing about with other kids etc - certainly when we are around.

Anyway. Has normal pre-teen attitude. Lazy if can get away with it. Did fairly well academically last year.

Just been an issue over dinner. They have to read every night and get the reading signed off. He was so careless and cheeky about it. Wrote the name of the book without a capital letter. Spelt it wrong and moaned about being asked to go get book to check spelling. Book called 'Blackout' so not exactly difficult! I made him redo it neatly and he was full of 'who cares?' crap. So I lost it and shouted. Told him I am not happy to pay school fees if he has that kind if attitude and will take him out of nice prep school and put him into local comp (which would have been where I went if situations were reversed) if he's does not change his attitude.

DH now pissed off at me. Says we have lost any gains we made over last few good days.

I feel he has been mollycoddled too much. He is very bright and I know is capable of better work but coasts. Is lazy. I know because I was the same!

DH however went to same prep school on a scholarship and worked damn hard.

Am about to go and lay down law on tv/computer/playstation use. And various other things. For instance we were talking about half tem. He doesn't want to do anything involving travel. Which includes either going to Dublin tom see my family (and his cousins who he loves spending time with) or driving up to Herts to pick up a friend of HIS or going to Ireland to see another family and a friend of his.

We seem to make lots of allowances for him and dont get the same back. I know he is only 11 but I don't want to raise a spoilt, selfish brat!

Wow, all that over a missing capital letter?

You sound very hard work

Seems a bit OTT, to be honest. His apparent laziness & can't be arsed attitude over the reading & spelling is pretty normal at that age. Not good, and should be dealt with, but not really justifying of a yelling session.

And, I have to say - your comment about the "nice" prep school vs the local comp seems rather snobbish. You chose the school, not him, and how do you know the local comp isn't just as nice? Some are, you know.

Please don't instill in him a "them & us" mentality. School is school.

He might be happier at the 'local comp' ... Have you ever thought about that?

And you are giving him the potential there to 'look down' on others by mentioning the local comp with disgust! Dont be surprised if he turns out to be a pompous snob!

I just bought a book called how to talk so kids will listen following a recommendation from another poster. I'm half way through and already I'm changing how I respond to their protests and I feel it's helped me deal with situations similar to the one you describe. It's probably worth a try!
I guess your reaction tonight was to his general attitude which must be wearing you down, completely understandable and you're right, he does need some sanctions and you might need some support to implement them. Best wishes

"He doesn't want to do anything involving travel."

So what? Since when does an 11 year get to choose the destination of a family holiday?

This sounds to me like you are aware that your parenting might be a bit weak in some respects & you're trying to make up for it with dramatic, laying-down-the-law episodes - before you go back to being a bit weak again.

Ok. Left myself open to the criticism!

Comments re local comp are not snobbish. Believe me. I am from a fairly rough area of Dublin (think Commitments movie!) and did ok. The comment is more about the fact that the local comp (which is actually now an Academy joining two failing schools) would not be as touchy-feely and gentle as his school has been.

I can be hard work. No doubt about it! Short fuse.

I suppose I am coming from a viewpoint that he has opportunities and a lifestyle that I only dreamt of and his attitude is that of a spoilt brat. It wasn't just the capital letter. It was the whole attitude that he could get away with no effort. No respect of his brand new school planner. First entry in it is crappy and messy. I would have made sure I was so careful and neat.

It is general attitude that gets me. And I let it go. And the explode over something relatively minor.

Anyway - off to watch Masterchef Australia en happy famile! Be back later.

Your expectations are too high. An 11 year old won't "give you back" the same considerations because he is a child and not an adult. Pre-teens is a difficult time for children and they have a lot of maturing to do.

You need to make some rules of course, but they need to be clear and concise and absolutely fair. You can't "make" him be aware of the importance of education, you can only try and tell him. You can't "make" him see the importance of presentation in his work because 11 year old children, and especially boys, want to rush and finish it not be neat and tidy (yes I know its a generalisation and not every single boy will be like this but the majority will).

I have a 13 year old and an 11 year old - both boys. School is "boring", homework even more so. We have short but set rules. Homework must be completed by Friday night - if they choose to do some each night or all on friday thats their choice (unless it needs to be handed in earlier of course) but no homework will be done at the weekend so if they don't do it then they will have to accept the consequences of that in school. No x-box or going out until homework is done.

My 11 year old has had a few meltdowns this week - first week at "big" school. The answer to them is early nights. Whats the point in telling off and shouting at a child who is finding it all so hard in the first place.

And if he doesn't use a capital letter in the right place then surely that should be picked up in class and dealt with by the teacher? If you always make him redo stuff and only hand it in when its perfect then who's benefit is that for? It certainly wont give your child accurate marks.

I suppose I am coming from a viewpoint that he has opportunities and a lifestyle that I only dreamt of and his attitude is that of a spoilt brat. It wasn't just the capital letter. It was the whole attitude that he could get away with no effort. No respect of his brand new school planner. First entry in it is crappy and messy. I would have made sure I was so careful and neat.

You cannot make your child responsible for your feelings. Just because you had it hard and he doesn't is not his fault at all. He only knows the life you have given him.

He isn't you. You want him to do as you did and again - thats not fair.

just tell him that he may have gone to big school but your standards haven't changed. you expect the same love, courtesy and commitment as before.

yes, his brain has to re-form over the next few years. that's hard. but he can be (relatively) polite and caring even so.

and point out when you're 'giving a little' to let him get on with life, and when its beginning to be too much and annoying you, so he can understand when he's moving towards getting his head bitten off.

Perhaps he is just plain tired - I know what happens to my 11 year old after a sleepover or camp...it takes him 3 or 4 days to catch up. Plus getting back into early school starts after summer break. They are growing a lot and changing at this age too, which doesn't help. Also kids don't really consider that they are lucky to go to a certain school, or have holidays, they just see it as the norm for their life.

Just point out that when the teacher marks his homework and he is at the standard of an infant school child, everyone will laugh at him. That should be enough surely? He won't care a jot that you pay for the school, but the thought of being ridiculed or thought to be childish will mortify him. Then if he won't do his homework properly, let him face the consequences.

As a mother of a 10 year old, and having emigrated too...

I'd say give him lots of love and patience. It is hard for him. It takes a year to properly settle in.

It is great to indulge him a bit, in terms of attention and cuddles, even treats but not maybe with DS or computers, imo. It is kinder to have clear boundaries with that (eg one hour a day, after homework). It helps kids to know where they stand and to have clear and consistent rules.

Also, I NEVER would expect my DC to eb grateful to go to a fee paying school.

They did not ask for it.

It was my choice, I would never throw it in their face IYSWIM.

Does he miss Hungary? Did he want to move back? Maybe he's homesick so playing up...

Why not get out the cake and sit at the table with him and go over all your expectations of what he will do, at least then he'll know.
I'd also start some restrictions on the gaming, maybe loose restrictions like, once all homework is done, and reading is signed off.
He may be feeling at a loose end cause he isn't getting any clear directions.

YANBU to have a go at your son for bad attitude. He does need to be told that he is expected to make effort.

YABVU to make the comment about school fees and comps, for lots of reasons. It is snobbish to mention it, but more to the point, you will be encouraging him to think he is better than children at the comp. He is not. It's not his fault that you chose an expensive school, and it's not fair or you to put extra pressure on him because of your choices.

Also, if he is just at the beginning of Y7, the school will be expecting them to be working out how much they can get away with. let the school tell him that his work is not good enough. It's hard to bite your tounge, but my ds has just one into y8 and I have learnt that he takes instructions much better from school than he will from me, even if I'm asking him to do things that the school expect him to.

Thanks all. Lots to think about.

Yes he does miss Hungary. He spent the whole of last year punishing us for moving him and he still asks why. (why? His education is why! So hard to put an old head on youg shoulders though.). Him being so unhappy last year was a huge issue for me. School reports back were that he was fine. Doing well academically - got top results in French and English in end of term exams.). School reported back that he was interacting well in class and in playground with peers and teachers. He kept telling us that he hated it. There was a big element of him playing us. As school kept pointing out. And I agree. Was very close to moving him but he flatly refused to look at another school as he doesnt want to be the new boy again.

So. We have been gently encouraging. School have been gently encouraging. He hasn't made much effort to make friends. Tells me he has been 'building his reputation'. What as I am not sure! I find it odd. Would have thought he would have had more friends by now.

It's the sarcasm and attitude that gets to me now. I would have been walloped for less. In fact my teacher at same stage stopped writing letters home about my laziness after I arrived in covered in bruises from my Dad's reaction to one letter home. So my reactions are probably skewed. I know I was lazy. I know i was bright and could have achieved much more. I know DH got where he is as a result of being very intelligent and getting a scholarship to a good school. The school where DS is now. I just want to shake him. And I know that is not fair either.

He is an only child. And I think we spoil him. So we need to be a bit tougher.

The issue about travelling over half term was unfair on him. DH is also not keen on traveling as he travels a lot for business so just wants to stay home when he can. On the other hand I want to take advantage of being in Europe and close to family and to make the most of it all. And I know neither of them want to travel so I get pissed off. And since we moved back have a holiday budget DH is counting my to Dublin as part of that which I feel is unfair. Especially as he was the one who didn't want to live in Dublin!

So. My reaction to DS was unreasonable. We are ok now. I will have a quiet chat to him tomorrow.

And I will read the 'how to talk so kids will listen' book. I have it. It might help. I might need the teen one too as he is pretty much a stroppy teen.

He sounds as if he might need a bit of love bombing to me. I too sometimes despair over my own ds attitude compared to mine as his age. But he's not me, he is his own person, we can't remodel them into what we want them to be.

Try and accept him how he is and love him for it. Don't put barriers between you, would you really want to 'wallop' him into submission as you were?

No. I tend to do the opposite. I shout. Then calm down. Then cuddle and give in on something!

He is love bombed. I love him to bits and make sure he knows it. He knows full well I adore him.

It's so bloody hard! The newborn stage is so easy in comparison!

Could you do that without the shouting first though, just for a bit? At the moment it might seem to him that the love is conditional on him behaving in the way you want, which we know it isn't but it might seem that way to him.

And you've got to be consistent but I know you know that, only say something if you mean it. Don't give in once you've said something but conversely only say something if you mean it.

Hmm. I inow I shout but it is usually after a period of being calm and rational. Even if it doesn't sou d like it on here!

I think the thing is I feel I do the calm, understanding, rational parenting bit. But I get no where. So I erupt. Then I get somewhere.

DH hates it. He never shouts. So gets peed off at me which makes me more angry.

Am off to bed now but will be back tomorrow. Thanks all and goodnight.

i shout a lot less now. at home and at work. hardly at all. it passes.