To have lost the plot with 11 year old DS re attitude?

[CiderwithBuda]

we moved from Hungary back to UK last summer. He is in a nice prep school. Really struggled to settle. We have bent over backwards and been ultra gentle and understanding pretty much. He has been allowed more leeway over playstation and tv than we are happy with but is an only child and has no friends locally.

Went back to school on Thursday. All fine. Overnight camp out on Friday night with school to help all the new kids (Year 7) bond. No problems. Enjoyed it and had fun.

He does seem to hold himself back with regards to messing about with other kids etc - certainly when we are around.

Anyway. Has normal pre-teen attitude. Lazy if can get away with it. Did fairly well academically last year.

Just been an issue over dinner. They have to read every night and get the reading signed off. He was so careless and cheeky about it. Wrote the name of the book without a capital letter. Spelt it wrong and moaned about being asked to go get book to check spelling. Book called 'Blackout' so not exactly difficult! I made him redo it neatly and he was full of 'who cares?' crap. So I lost it and shouted. Told him I am not happy to pay school fees if he has that kind if attitude and will take him out of nice prep school and put him into local comp (which would have been where I went if situations were reversed) if he's does not change his attitude.

DH now pissed off at me. Says we have lost any gains we made over last few good days.

I feel he has been mollycoddled too much. He is very bright and I know is capable of better work but coasts. Is lazy. I know because I was the same!

DH however went to same prep school on a scholarship and worked damn hard.

Am about to go and lay down law on tv/computer/playstation use. And various other things. For instance we were talking about half tem. He doesn't want to do anything involving travel. Which includes either going to Dublin tom see my family (and his cousins who he loves spending time with) or driving up to Herts to pick up a friend of HIS or going to Ireland to see another family and a friend of his.

We seem to make lots of allowances for him and dont get the same back. I know he is only 11 but I don't want to raise a spoilt, selfish brat!

You do sound hard work... sorry, but I feel a bit sorry for the lad. It all sounds like pressure.. high educational demands, and a mother who is either laying into him or smothering him with cuddles...

Give him a break - who cares about a missing capital letter, seriously?!

If ds is anything to go by he is exhausted after only two days back at school and he didn't have an over night camp on top to deal with.

Oh and lay off with the not being happy to pay fees with his attitude - not nice, emotional blackmail and likely to store up a ton of resentment in the future.

Have you thought about therapy for yourself to work through the issues you have regarding your childhood? Your dad beat you because of your laziness yet you seem to be transferring your anger about this onto your son. Your shouting must be really, really bad for your DH to be concerned about it. Seriously, you lost the plot over a missing capital letter?

That move is a big one, new country, new house, new school ect no wonder he is playing up.

All he has know has been ripped away from him.

Learn some empathy, because my son is struggling with a new teacher regardless of other things

You moved countries for your son's education and you are missing no opportunity to tell him that, from the sounds of things.

You need to cut him some slack. You also need to stop correcting his homework. Make sure he does it - and no tv/computers until its done - but don't check it over. You think you're going easy on him, but honestly, you're not. The weight of expectation on this child is huge. You can quite easily bring some of the other things into line while easing off on the school stuff, by the way.

Hmm.

I dont shout all of the time. Honestly. I am self aware enough to normally jolly him along. He moaned this week about going back to school. I pointed out that nobody wants to go back to school including the teachers. First day was fine. Second day fine and included an overnight campout.

I dont veer between shouting and cuddles. There is lots of normality in-between the extremes. I go months without shouting. Perhaps tonight was a culmination of stress for both of us with the new term etc. And I have been on a massive carb craving so maybe a hormonal element also.

It wasn't just the capital letter. It was the attitude that went along with it. The lack of effort and care. And the attitude in general when I calmly pointed it out. The constant argument about him having a shower. The constant nagging about him clearing his rubbish from the tv room. Telling him dinner was almost ready and asking him to come chat with us while we served up and the cheeky refusal. The grasping attitude to being asked to do any chores. Always wants to know if he will get paid and how much. The capital letter was the straw that broke the camels back. Sorry if that seems like drip feeding.

And I know he is probably a typical preteen. And I am very like my father in reactions. Although I do generally keep a lid on it. I recommend the 123 Magic book on here frequently as I know it really helped me when DS was younger. Sent my copy off to an MNer a couple of weeks ago! Maybe I should have kept it!

Therapy for me? Perhaps. I have a good relationship with my Dad now. He has mellowed hugely. And from talking to him and knowing history I know why he was so angry generally. He is nothing like he was then. But maybe some therapy for me would be helpful in relation to lots of issues.

The move has been hard on us all. Especially with DS finding it so hard. Much more than we thought. I had days last year where I would come home from dropping him off and I would literally sit and worry all day. I suppose all that has to come out somehow. Although i know shouting at him is not the answer.

Anyway - lots to think about. I will come back to this tomorrow.

Oh - I don't check his homework generally. I am of the belief that the teachers will have far greater sway than me on that score! And I have to say that he is very good at coming in and sitting straight down and doing it. Not as good as he could but that is between him and his teachers. I am sure that they are very aware of ability in class and effort in homework. Tonights issue was a result of a new rule that parents have to sign off that they have done some reading.

I also don't remind him at every opportunity that we moved for his education. We did and there is no getting away from that. But it is not rubbed in. Most of his friends at his previous school were also moved. Either whole family back to UK or child sent to boarding school while family remained. He is aware of that. Boarding school is not something that would be right for me.

I don't think that you over reacted. It wasn't about the missing capital letter, it was about the attitude. My eldest are 14 and 11. We have attitude.

I think that you as a person are allowed to have feelings - frustration, being overwhelmed, you might be feeling homesick yourself also missing friends. You have made a sacrifice of your life over there to educate him etc

I personally think that it does the child good to have to take into account somebody else's feelings and I know that if I have a good blow out to my two about attitude and acceptance, usually about being better off or worse off than friends, it does make them think for a day or two.

It does no personal harm and you cannot be stepping on eggshells around your own family, they have to realise that your feelings are as valid as theirs.

God it never ceases to amaze me how people on here take every opportunity to put the boot in and make sweeping judgements about someone based on a few lines on a screen. Probably because you're talking about a fee-paying school, OP, so people want a little opportunity to be bitchy.

I can totally understand why you flipped at him - obviously it wasn't just about a capital letter but a build up of his attitude and cheekiness. I know it's bloody annoying, but I do think that going back to school and coping with the new routines, new teacher, new workload etc etc puts kids under ever such a lot of pressure. They can't really display that at school so it comes out at home in indirect ways. Hopefully he'll settle down a bit into the new school routine and his attitude will improve.