Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to panic that my ex is expecting twins in another country and may try and pay less in child support?

36 replies

Fairylea · 09/09/2012 18:59

Anyone with any experience of similar???

My ex, who is worse than useless on a number of levels (long story) has just announced he is expecting twins in the usa and plans to carry on living between there and here (he has his own business, gets paid a lot of cash in hand). Currently we have a private arrangement whereby he gives me a cheque for a certain amount every month for dd aged 9.

What happens if he decides to try either not to pay or pay less? Would csa chase him out there? Would the twins mean I get less??? I realise the cash in hand probably screws me over anyway as the csa wouldn't realise how much he gets paid but surely the frequent triips back and forward wouldn't add up???

Feeling really anxious at the moment. He refuses to pay by standing order or direct debit before anyone suggests this and I always have to nag him for the money.

OP posts:
Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 09/09/2012 19:02

You need to get a solicitor and see what sanctions you can place to get the money for your ds because I reckon your chances of receiving the same are zero tbh when he has dcs over there and their mother is saying 'but what about our dcs....'

Can you work out your budget without that money? Could you get by?

Original poster
Fairylea · 09/09/2012 19:07

Thanks I am going to get legal advice just in a bit of a panic to be honest. I am currently on maternity leave with ds age 12 weeks and dh works but is on a low income. If I have to I will return to work sooner or on more hours but I really dont know what is reasonable with ex and payment. Thanks.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 09/09/2012 19:09

Yes the CSA would make a reduction for two new children as his wage needs to stretch further now just like yours would if you have more children.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 09/09/2012 19:09

Hypothetically, would it not be reduced in this country if he had a second family?

MrsKeithRichards · 09/09/2012 19:10

I suppose it's the natural order, just like if you'd went on to have more kids there'd be less to spend on one.

Original poster
Fairylea · 09/09/2012 19:11

I do understand the new children need to be provided for. I'm more concerned about the abroad thing. I have no idea how that works.

OP posts:
LongStory · 09/09/2012 19:12

Having had twins and knowing the financial impact, I would say you are right to be concerned. But sounds like you are getting pretty practical after your panic, by a very sensible route of (a) getting legal advice and (b) having a back-up plan.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 09/09/2012 19:12

Where is he resident? Here or the states?

Ilovedaintynuts · 09/09/2012 19:21

So you've had another child with someone else and have less money but expect him to provide the same amount despite having a new family?
Double standards much?

Original poster
Fairylea · 09/09/2012 19:30

If it turns out we are going to have less money that is fine. I just need to know. As in if anything changed re household budgets then you'd want to know right? That's what I'm asking.

I wondered if the csa would chase him out there if he decided not to pay anything. That is what I am curious about.

I don't know about residency. At the moment he has his business here but travels there at least once or twice a month - pretty much half and half. He has just returned from 6 weeks out there. I don't know what he plans to do with the business.

OP posts:
TheQueenOfDiamonds · 09/09/2012 19:36

So you've had another child with someone else and have less money but expect him to provide the same amount despite having a new family?
Double standards much?

There's always one isn't there, Pretty quick off the mark on this one.

Original poster
Fairylea · 09/09/2012 20:45

I'm sorry if I came across as a bit of an idiot. I'm just reeling from the thought of a big dent in our budget, just the same way as if my dh came home and said he'd had to reduce hours or whatever. I don't expect my ex to not have a life or more children. But I do expect him to pay a reasonable amount for the one he already has and I just wanted to know what rights I would have to claim this if he lives between here and usa. And of course I am worried it will be less - it doesn't mean I won't cope and adjust if it is but I'd like to know what will happen, that's human after all and a panic is a normal response to a sudden potential drop in income.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 09/09/2012 20:46

Gosh - I totally get you being worried too. And some of us wait to have more money before having more children so existing ones don't suffer financially.

I'm actually quite surprised that maintenance is reduced because of subsequent children.

MrsCampbellBlack · 09/09/2012 20:47

Although I get surprise babies do happen

Original poster
Fairylea · 09/09/2012 20:53

I think if he had moved there first or made some sort of commitment (not marriage necc I mean in general) I wouldn't have been so surprised and could have even pre-empted it but he actually left his last long term partner because she wanted children and he didn't so obviously this is quite a surprise!

OP posts:
CaliforniaLeaving · 09/09/2012 21:16

If he some how moves himself to the US and stops paying in UK the UK can't so anything about it. I've heard of others going through this on the BritishExpats site.
Turns out the CSA can't chase him out here.
Hopefully he's a good sort who wouldn't leave his first child in the lurch and will continue to pay no matter where he's living.

CaliforniaLeaving · 09/09/2012 21:16

do not so

Original poster
Fairylea · 09/09/2012 22:05

Thank you :( ... That's what I feared. He has always been a bit late with his payments but I have the csa up my sleeve so long as he lives here.. If he's between countries or moves officially to the usa I don't know what will happen :(

Part of me does suspect he's doing all this prescisely to avoid paying so much tax / money issues and to get out of paying for dd knowing I can't really do much about it :(

It seems incredibly unfair that he can swan about living a life of luxury and flouncing overseas whenever he feels like it (he's been to las vegas and jamaica holidays in the last 2 months) while I am struggling to make sure I put money aside for dd's new school shoes!

Rant over. I'm sorry. I'm just so mad.

OP posts:
B1ueberry · 09/09/2012 22:08

Maintenance shouldn't be reduced because of subsequent children imo. Even if OP has had a subsequent child she's still clothing, feeding, educating and housing the first child!!!!!

B1ueberry · 09/09/2012 22:11

Fairylea, I think the USA has signed up to the REMO (reciprocal enforcement of maintenance orders Act.) Tell him that if he tries to reduce maintenance you'll go to the district court and your local court will send a letter to him summonsing to appear in a local court in the usa. He will be bound by law to obey that order. That is the theory. Obviously there are fathers everywhere defying court orders to pay maintenance and fuck all happens. Is He a fairly law abiding ?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 09/09/2012 22:15

If he's between countries or moves officially to the usa I don't know what will happen

You can't be "between" countries - you have residency in one, for tax purposes. So he is either paying tax here or in the USA. If he is a British Citizen he needs to be in the UK for 93 days per year for tax purposes.

To hold a green card in the USA he must be there 31 days in the current tax year and 183 days in the previous.

travailtotravel · 09/09/2012 22:20

You could always be super meanie and report him to tax authorities if he is being paid cash in hand. You'd feel better for about 5 minutes as he'd end up having nothing to offer either you or his other family but then again, why should he get out of paying tax when the rest of us have to?

Original poster
Fairylea · 09/09/2012 22:21

Thank you that is very useful information.

Does he have to register for tax then? What would happen if he just didn't? (Playing devil's advocate and exploring all angles).

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairylea · 09/09/2012 22:22

Yes believe me I have thought about reporting him. I suppose I haven't done that as I wanted to try and keep things reasonable for dd's sake. But I am seriously tempted to do it anonymously believe me!

OP posts:
FoxyRoxy · 10/09/2012 00:37

I'd seek legal help as soon as possible, I know I can't get the csa involved as I live abroad to my XH so I'm not sure if it works the same the other way.

Whoever said double standards I'm sure the op and her partner calculated their finances to see if they could afford another child, just as her ex should have done. Your existing children don't get cheaper to look after because you decide to have more kids.