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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why....

31 replies

Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 00:18

Women justify leaving their partner with oh he's controlling or oh he called me a bad name.

I do not mean real abusive relationships. I do not mean refuge escaping freedom program type of things.

I just don't understand why we can't just say I don't like him any more I'm bored ive fallen out of love. I'm not digging or havin a go but just because dh forgets to take the bin out on Tuesday's does not mean he's abusive.

I do understand when you don't like someone, anyone, that every little thing they do will bug you, I do feel its re- writing history so your the good one and he's the baddy just to justify yourself breaking up the family.

Why do we do this though? Is Monogamy over rated, if we weren't so hung up on having a perfect family whether that's a dh2 or 3 we might all get along better and not hurt each other so much breaking up.

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 09/09/2012 00:24

Really Hmm

WorraLiberty · 09/09/2012 00:25

I kind of agree.

I often find myself wondering why some people start an opening post with "I left my EA partner" and then they go on to talk about a problem that has nothing whatsoever to do with being EA.

In real life I know many couples who have split up (as I'm sure we all do) but the 'EA' thing is almost always 2 sided...if to them EA means telling the other one to fuck off or if it means using the kids as a weapon/telling them they're a shit parent, then the majority of separated couples I know have each done this at some point to each other.

dolallylass · 09/09/2012 00:28

What's EA?Confused

WorraLiberty · 09/09/2012 00:29

Emotionally Abusive

lovebunny · 09/09/2012 00:31

emotionally abusive?

eats artichokes?

excretes armadillos?

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 00:33

Yes really.

Exactly worra you eloquently typed the rest of my post that my wine fingers couldn't. Thank god for auto correct! I don't understand why people do this, surely it must hurt your child/ren to think this way.

OP posts:
dolallylass · 09/09/2012 00:35

Thanks

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 00:36

EA is a form of abuse and shouldn't be something taken lightly. It's not a argument where he told you to fuck off its an ongoing abuse. Just because your xp is a nob does not make him EA ahh rants coming right out!!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/09/2012 00:37

I must be drinking a different wine Grin

I think in most break ups you'll find either parent blaming the other one...that's probably human nature.

But you're right, if it's a case of them falling out of love with each other...they shouldn't invent reasons (if in fact they do) and just accept that they're calling it a day.

At that point, the only concern should be for the children who had no choice in any of it.

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 00:44

I want to type, but why can't we let it go... Then realised how niaeve and never could happen that is.

Calling abusive on a xp is horrible though.

I also can't get my head around the majority of MN mums are narcissist.

OP posts:
FreudiansGoldSlipper · 09/09/2012 00:45

many abusive relationships do end up with both partners being abusive or one pushing the other to be abusive but more often than not one is suffering a lot more from the abuse one is more in control and tends to start dominating the relationship more and more. for many they are not aware they are in an abusive relationship then the light goes on and they see it very clearly

saying that yes i do think we often expect too much from relationships and at times we change and fall out of love but it is hard to tell someone you no longer love them because often you do but not in the same way, its hard to walk away from security and the guilt if of hurting them and hurting children too its hard to come to terms that someone you would walk over hot coals for, who you felt you wanted to spend your life with you no longer feel that way no matter how hard you try its just gone

i think if its gone its better to be honest and move on before you start disliking that person and feeling trapped, often i have seen people turn quite horrible, argumentative (not abusive) when it is obvious they just do not want to be in that relationship anymore

WorraLiberty · 09/09/2012 00:46

I suppose it boils down to the fact that there are two sides to every single story, but we'll only hear one on MN.

In RL, we're much more likely to hear both I suppose.

slowestwildebeast · 09/09/2012 00:47

my DP is going through this now, his ex left him and then cited that the reason was EA and to me it has made a mockery out of those experiencing EA, can't exactly post what was said but along the lines of not putting a kitchen in quick enough, being 'forced' to visit his family.

If you no longer want to be with someone there may well be good reason as stated above, like you don't want the same things any more, you don't feel the same etc. but for someone to be labelled as and abuser is very damaging when not true.

DP has to try and defend the fact that he isn't EA and she doesn't have to give any reasons, just says it without thought of the consequence to him or others. I'm sure we are all guilty of doing things that would be seen as controlling and I know I can behave in quite a ridiculous manner but I do not accept that it is right to use these terms without consideration, not just to yourself but also to those people who really are being EA.

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 00:53

Frued that sounds like, every relationship there's a 'goody' and a 'baddy' and the 'baddy' is EA.

I agree about the pushing to be abusive.

Yes relationships are hard to end especially with children involved, I feel we should all man up instead of looking at reasons and justifying to ourselves and others.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 00:55

"I also can't get my head around the majority of MN mums are narcissist."

No they're not. But people will post on threads about NPD parents who have shared experience of this, thus skewing the perspective.

If people who read MN took it as a representative sample of the population, it would be horrifying how many abusive partners there are, how many toxic parents/ family members - it's not representative of the population as a whole, it's just people grouping together who recognise the situation.

In general, people who don't have such problems don't post about their parents/partners, because they don't need to. Mostly, only problems are posted about, so it looks like it's the "norm".

Back to your OP - since there are a lot of people out there who think that you really shouldn't break up a marriage over falling out of love, or other "trivial reasons" (I'm not saying it is, I'm saying that's how some people think of it), then you can maybe understand why some women feel the need to find a more concrete/socially acceptable reason for doing so.

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 00:55

EA is hard to disprove as well slowest..

OP posts:
Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 01:02

Maybe we should all be quicker to end relationships and not look at them as achievements. 50 years spent with someone you don't live compared to 50 with who you do. All because you couldn't justify leaving a man.

I didn't think about using EA as a concrete reason.

How would any of us feel being told we was an abuser for telling Dp to fuck off I'm not cooking tonight?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 09/09/2012 01:03

Love not live**

OP posts:
slowestwildebeast · 09/09/2012 01:03

It's a complicated subject.

If someone was to make claims about me I'd want to be able to question it as it's not correct, but you can't and people just accept it as truth.

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 09/09/2012 01:04

well there is never a reason to be abusive so if someone is then yes they are not a nice person but it is that person that is controlling the relationship the one that starts it, the perpetrator that is really the abuser

of course not all relationships have a goody and baddy a good honest relationship is equal but that can still go wrong, it can still end and it will often not be nice because people are hurt and can be horrible when they are hurting but that does not mean abuse has gone on

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 01:10

By some definitions of EA on here, I qualify as one and so does DH. Neither of us see it that way, we just get on each others' nerves sometimes and we end up shouting, often saying things we don't actually mean in the heat of the moment and later apologising for said things.

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 09/09/2012 01:17

but you and our dh recognise that for what it is. when it is constant, when one is left feeling bad about themselves, their confidence is knocked again and again then that is abuse even if to others it looks like a normal relationship with a couple arguing

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 01:20

Well exactly Freudians - neither of us see it as EA but if I described it on here, just one side of it, it would be called EA, I'm sure.

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 09/09/2012 01:24

well it is true that often people can not see they are in an abusive relationship

that is not to say that you are and can not see it

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 01:29

Hmm, that wasn't entirely my point, Freudians! More my point was that if you only get one side of it, it can look like EA when it quite possibly isn't.

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