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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give money for a 40th birthday

36 replies

toysoldiers · 08/09/2012 18:52

It just feels wrong.

Big party coming up. His girlfriend sent an email out saying lots of people had asked about presents and it wasn't necessary but, if you must, vouchers.

I don't really want to give vouchers. It's bad enough for weddings but birthdays? Thing is, I really like them as friends and they are always very generous so feel mean not giving him anything.

Shall I just buy him something that he doesn't want Grin

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 08/09/2012 18:55

no you don't HAVE to but she has said he doesn't want anything - but people want to buy so he has said vouchers

Same thing happened with my wedding - we didn't want gifts but people asked and asked and asked so we eventually asked for vouchers

sometimes you just can't win Grin

RuleBritannia · 08/09/2012 18:57

If you don't want to give him vouchers, give something that can be used up eg wine/whisky, gin etc or after shave my son likes Paco Rabanne so he doesn't get it very often or take him out for a meal.

mumzy · 08/09/2012 18:57

YABU there seems are very fair choice whether you want to give or not. There is no hint of grabbiness from the couple

Original poster
toysoldiers · 08/09/2012 18:59

I didn't say it was grabby, I just don't feel right doing it. I always feel I'll get the amount wrong Blush

OP posts:
Inertia · 08/09/2012 18:59

Wine or champagne, then it can get used up at the party.

Original poster
toysoldiers · 08/09/2012 18:59

How much do you reckon is not offensive but not showy?

OP posts:
JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 08/09/2012 19:01

We have a spate of 50's parties - No one has asked for a present - TBH I think it's outrageous asking for things fora birthday party

Original poster
toysoldiers · 08/09/2012 19:02

It's in a pub so talking wine would be difficult as they'd have to cart it home.

OP posts:
RuleBritannia · 08/09/2012 19:02

This is the problem with giving money or vouchers. The recipient will know how much you've spent so it becomes embarrassing so you think you ought to spend more on vouchers so it doesn't look mean. I never give vouchers.

The only way they won't know how much you've spent is to give something. I went to a cousin's Silver Wedding party and they received six bottles of wine. Looked good but Asda......

valiumredhead · 08/09/2012 19:03

Why would you not give someone something they would like?

Original poster
toysoldiers · 08/09/2012 19:21

It's more the 'how much is enough' thing that bothers me.

It's all just so transparent !

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 08/09/2012 19:22

Why is it any different from a present? Just give what you can afford.

avivabeaver · 08/09/2012 19:23

get a bottle of champagne delivered on his birthday to him.

Breathoffreshair · 08/09/2012 20:15

I know what you mean by the transparency of vouchesr but as you want to buy a gift and your friend has specified a "vouchers or nothing" request it makes sense to get the vouchers.

I personally find men particularly difficult to buy for as in general they don't like the traditional, affordable girl gifts (spa products, wine, flowers).

As for how much... well, I'd give whatever you were budgeting for the "unwanted" gift IYSWIM.
Anyone with a bit of shopping experience would have a pretty good idea bout the monetary value of a gift anyway.

Or if you can't bear it then maybe a bottle of something nice.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 08/09/2012 21:50

My top tip. If you don't want presents, have a list of cheap things that you like to give people who want to get you something. I got married abroad, where I live. My UK friends felt weird not bringing anything so I had a wedding list that included... Marmite, HP sauce, Timotei, Oxtail soup... I had something to unwrap and they could give a gift.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 08/09/2012 22:06

I was 40 the other day and I asked my parents and closest friends for vouchers because I'm desperate for clothes but am skint so can't afford to spend money on them. And I don't mean fancy clothes either - I literally need new underwear, long sleeved tops for winter etc. I would have been pretty upset if they'd then decided to get me something totally different just because it didn't feel right to them. It's his birthday, so give him what he wants. Can you afford £40? That would be a pound for each year, so you could even write that on the card so it looks like a deliberate choice of how much to spend.

TudorJess · 08/09/2012 22:15

"His girlfriend sent an email out saying lots of people had asked about presents and it wasn't necessary but, if you must, vouchers."

If you hadn't asked about presents, they shouldn't have sent the email to you. Just get whatever you like :)

enteramusingnamehere · 08/09/2012 22:16

I like the £40 idea...if you're fairly good friends...if not I'd say £15 is reasonable

deste · 08/09/2012 22:25

Twenty is probably enough.

Ephiny · 08/09/2012 22:26

It seems like a waste of money to buy something he doesn't want. Tbh it sounds like he doesn't really want anything, and I can sympathise with this! If it was me I'd be happy for you just to turn up and enjoy the party, and not worry about presents at all.

If you do get vouchers, just get approximately the amount you would have spent on a present. There's no right or wrong amount.

OhTheConfusion · 08/09/2012 22:39

The amount really depends on both how close you are and what you can afford.

I often give £30 for a 30th, £40 for a 40th or £50 for a 50th if I am am really friends with the person. A smaller amount, £20 is ideal if a 'mates' birthday.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/09/2012 22:39

£20 is enough.

Jenstar21 · 08/09/2012 22:47

Or, how about a voucher for an 'experience' or a meal package? A restaurant near us does vouchers for champagne afternoon tea as a package, which I've given as a gift before.

solidgoldbrass · 09/09/2012 00:10

How about vouchers for favours? Ie give him a card that you have made or written or printed along the lines of 'THis voucher entitles you to have your car washed by me/your dog walked/your kids babysat/a drink bought when you've forgotten your wallet/your plants watered when you go on holiday.' Tailor the offers to what you know about the birthday bloke and if you can get a few in-jokes in there, so much the better.

CherylWillBounceBack · 09/09/2012 08:29

wow. I can 't honestly believe some of the sums being mentioned here. 40 quid for an adults birthday?! I would feel terrible receiving a penny. We 're adults - surely we don't need our lifestyles subsidised or random crappy bought for us? flabbergasted at the idea of it.

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