To feel really angry and undermined!

[namechangingonceagain]

Sorry have name changed for this as fairly regular poster and don't want to out myself.

So here DC2 who is 8 often has friends over for tea after school. One friend in particular who would come quite often and is a lovely child. DC2 is very tall and slim. Lately DC2 has been commenting that xxxx's mum says I need fattening up and keeps asking what I feed them. Incidentally DC2 has a MASSIVE appetite, often has second helpings at mealtimes and always snacking on fruit between meals. I felt a bit cross about this but let it slide. Also to mention that DC2's friend is very overweight and would wear clothes about 3 sizes bigger to fit her. This is none of my business but I feel is relevant information.

So lately when the friend has been coming she has been bringing chocolate, haribo's and bags of crisps that her mother has sent with her. I always give them some haribos and I usually get chocolate muffins in for after tea. So cut to midweek when i was talking to xxxx's mum she suddenly said "oh you do realise xxxx has a big appetite and needs lot's of feeding." I laughed off the comment but felt like she was having a dig. I do find her quite a pushy sort of person.

So last night had the friend over for tea. Served up lasagne, garlic bread, side salad and did a few potato wedges. After I had bought ice cream for them. So we are halfway through our meal and DC2 and xxxx are almost finished when the doorbell goes and there is xxxx's mum standing there with 3 McDonalds sodding happy meals, one for xxxx and each of my DC's. To say I felt furious was an understatement but I was rendered speeechless! So she bustles in and hands them the happy meals and says "oh I thought they deserved a Friday treat"!!

My children had a few bites but couldn't manage theirs, no bloody wonder! DC's friend ate most of hers then went home with her mum. At the time I was so shocked that words and action just completely failed. My DH thinks it's absolutely hilarious which isn't helping matters. So give me some perspective, am I going over the top for being so angry and should I say something when I have calmed down?

Poor girl . I feel for her and it won't get any easier if her Mum is fixated on over feeding her.

This is petty now. You are both controlling hence the clash beyond happymealgate. Jebus of course your children agree with you. The other Mother being fatter is nothing to do with her feeling you skimp on portions. Maybe your child has complained she is hungry at.home. Theres one for you! The other mothers passive aggressive comments are pathetic. Tell her directly you do your best and do not invite her again.

Could you take this as an opportunity to phone her and sort it out? Ask her to stop making comments about your DD's weight? And just treat it as clearing the air?

If her DD is obese then it's tempting to point that out and suggest you're not the one who needs to change what you give your kids, but that's not really going to help! I feel sorry for her DD.

How would she have felt if in reply you said 'Well I think you feed your DD too much'. [stare] . If she was offended it was the perfect time to point out how rude she was.

solesource I'm baffled to be honest! I am angry at the pointed comments and am not trying to be controlling at all. I have known them for 3 yrs and she has been coming for tea for all that time. It's just in the last couple of months that all the food problems have started. I did not text her I was just going to leave it. I was very polite in my reply.

I don't want to fall out with this lady as it will damage the friendship between the children. But I'm damned if my kids are going to be dragged into her food issues.

I would just take your DHs attitude, write her off as bonkers and have the DC around to play, but not a meal in future.

She is bonkers and you have done nothing wrong (and not at all controlling)

Clearly, though, she has not undermined you as both your dc and here's have sensed her behaviour as rude.

I'd try to see it as funny too and, if the topic comes up again, then you do need to talk through the issues with her.

Some very obese people have convinced themselves that their habits are the normal ones and that everyone else is on the brink of starvation and needs to be overfed ridiculous amounts of food or they'll be verging on death.

I would have told her straight out that children need normal portions of healthy food, that enormous portions of junk causes serious health problems and pointed out that her daughter is being bullied because of her weight. Just because this woman is morbidly obese doesn't mean that she has the right to inflict her mental problems about food on her own child and other peoples without being challenged on that. She shouldn't get away with it. She needs to understand that she is the one who isn't normal.

As for the fat kid, poor poor child, there are few things worse than being raised by a feeder. What the mother is doing is child abuse. This child is already condemned to a (shortened) lifetime of obesity unless there is serious intervention.

Has the mum or child or both gained a lot of weight in the past few months?

Otherwise I can'r understand the sudden change in the mother's behaviour.

Totally agree Bobble. Though I wish I didn't. :(

lurking The child has yes, the mum seems the same to be honest. In the last 6 months the child has really put the weight on although she's never been skinny but nowhere near the size she is now. This would tie in with things going wrong in the mum's personal life.

Ok juds devils advocate. Maybe ask her.to bring ectra food or buy extra fruit for her.to nibble etc. cottage cheese, salad dips. I agree with you.

I would feel quite concerned about this child and her mother.

It sounds as if her stress has made her really quite irrational about food.

"Just received a text from the mum saying that her child thinks that she's upset me and I should have spoken to her instead of letting the child see I was upset. She also said that low fat meals are not suitable for growing children!"

That's jaw-dropping

I am concerned. Something seems to have gone very wrong with the mum. As I said I have known her for 3 years and not known her to be like this. She seems very angry and irrational at the moment but not sure it's my place to get involved.

Why don't you reply with "and since has lasagne, garlic bread and potato wedges followed by ice cream been low fat?"
Unless your willing to confront her I think you need to step away from her and her daughter before you find her "issues" pushed on to your DCs. She's clearly pushing for an arguement too.

You already let your children be drawn into er food issues by letting them eat a maccy d after they had already eaten. If she is a friend why can you not just ask her what is going on with the food stuff?

I would be furious!!! No wonder her child is a fattie, & I would have told the mother as much!!

Just reply, something along the lines of:
"Really surprised you think lasagne, wedges and garlic bread is low fat. Even more surprised that any of the children managed more than a mouthful of McD's considering the quantities of food they had just packed away. Perhaps next time we can plan their meal in advance together so they don't end up with 2 meals by accident - and you don't end up wasting your money".

I wouldn't have let my DCs sit and eat a happy meal after a big evening meal, my DS would have either not been able to eat it, or been guilted into it by the mum going on, and then thrown it back up again!

I do think you need to say something. State you've no desire to fall out but you were very baffled by her behaviour yesterday as the children had already sat and ate a big meal.

I feel so sad for her DD, being bullied for being overweight while her mum fills her full of food.

Do you feed your children low fat food?

I have a 10 year old and she could definitely do with losing lb or two! Yet my 7 year old is whippet thin! They both get the same amount of food and similar amounts of exercise a day/week.

I would just have said no, they don't need a happy meal, they've already been fed.

When is she accusing you of upsetting her dd?

I hate how good messages, "don't feed your 2 year old low fat milk" have turned into bad ones, "children need junk food". Being bullied is rotten and although it is never the child's fault, surely the DM must see that this won't help her child.

Chickydoo, am glad she didn't send you the text then, as replying to a mother calling her child a fattie would be just the right thing to do, right?

I am at a bit of a loss at what to advise. What I would say, is that you should be clear in your own mind it's her and not you, and therefore not feel undermined or get defensive. I'd want to not engage in any conversation that leads to you justifying yourself. That is what she wants and is the way for her to avoid her own issues.