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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel left out and think this woman is a bit of a...

48 replies

NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:14

So my child started at an independent school this week. One of the parents in the class has the parent "buddy" role if you like ...

She arranges a "class parents" coffee morning and invites me. When I arrive she does not introduce me to any of the other mothers (around 14 children in class). Actually she goes as far as to turn her back on me and leave me standing around like a lemon. So no one really spoke to me and in fact in the end asked who I was.

Actually when my child proudly showed me a sticker the other day for sport this mother interjected and said my child got a trophy for that.

Now I feel really sad. Or maybe I am sad. I am shy but felt as if it was all a bit of a set up to show me she is prize bitch top dog.

OP posts:
annoakley · 07/09/2012 20:16

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

NCForNow · 07/09/2012 20:17

Ignore her. Ask about helping on the PTA. Or else organise a select lunch for a few of the ones who are nice.

Boomerwang · 07/09/2012 20:17

damn right, annoakley.

Psammead · 07/09/2012 20:18

I think I'd have introduced myself. Just stuck out my hand to he furst friendly looking type and said 'Hi, I'm Psammy, DD's mum'. I appreciate this is not easy if you are a shy sort. But it is up to you, really.

The sticker/trophy thing sounds odd. Maybe she is a bit top dog. Ignore and carry on! Well done to you boy with his sticker Smile

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 20:23

It's something I would feel uncomfortable doing, but I'd have probably just tried to strike up a conversation with someone else there. She's not there to get you all interacting.

But then they don't even sound welcoming.

They must have all been in the same boat though if it was for class parents, so not like it was an established group.

Original poster
NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:24

I agree with you annoakley however it doesn't always work like that. Just seemed a bit strange to arrive, say hello and then seemingly be ignored on purpose. It seemed quite obvious and I left promptly. Very odd as my child has settled in well and made friends very quickly.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 07/09/2012 20:24

She invited you, I don't see why she needed to introduce you?! It was a class get together not you meeting her friends. She may not have known everyone's name. Don't make life such hard work for yourself.

As for the sticker, trophy - maybe she was just proud too. Look for the positives and what ann said

Original poster
NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:26

Wow so you would all be happy to be a parent buddy, invite someone to a get together and when they turn up not introduce them to the other few people there?

Perhaps I am just extraordinarily polite ?

OP posts:
pictish · 07/09/2012 20:26

Did all the other parents know each other already?

Original poster
NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:27

Yes there are 14 children in class. About 10 mothers present all been in class from reception, now year 4.

OP posts:
Portofino · 07/09/2012 20:31

I never get all this. I throw my dd through the gate about 5 mins befote the bell goes. Have never felt any compulsion to be friends witth the other parents.

Silibilimili · 07/09/2012 20:32

What domedon said.

MolatovBomb · 07/09/2012 20:33

I completely agree with what psammead wrote: I'm a shy person by nature, but where my girls are involved, I push myself out there. I try not to be overbearing or embarrassing, as I know this is ultimately a reflection upon them. But I definitely would not allow anyone engender feelings of inferiority within me.

No-one knows your hold better than you. Let that shine through, as that is all that really matters :)

Original poster
NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:35

Well portofino I also prefer to do this but felt it would be a bit rude to turn down as I am new. Thought I would make the effort. It was at her house. Wouldn't it take more effort to have someone turn up at your house and NOT introduce them?

OP posts:
MolatovBomb · 07/09/2012 20:36

Not 'hold' but 'son'! chucks iPhone out the window

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 20:37

It is horrible standing there feeling like a lemon when you've not got the confidence to just start talking to someone you don't know.

But formally introducing you to other people could seem a bit like she was micro-managing the situation.

You've mentioned it's an independent school, does that make a difference as to how these things work? I've never come across anything to organised for parents to get to know each other. Like porto I prefer the hands off approach.

DoMeDon · 07/09/2012 20:38

OK YANBU to feel left out she's a prize bitch - does that feel better?

It seems a non-issue but clearly you don't like this woman.

ll31 · 07/09/2012 20:38

Think you should have made an effort really... you're an adult too so surely talking to the person beside you shouldn't be that difficult. You probably also looked unfriendly leaving so quickly.. Next time, start talking to whoevers near you

NurseBernard · 07/09/2012 20:39

I'd just be cringing for her - a bit, you know, like this is the way she has to get her little power trip in life. And that she doesn't even have the social nous to introduce a new person into a group.

Bring her down a peg or to in your own head - really, she's probably just a bit insecure herself, to be acting like this. Who behaves like this? Isn't it more normal - if you are the type to arrange get-togethers - to be warm and welcoming and friendly?

Next time, just try to integrate yourself in other ways, and let her get on with it. She only has any 'power' if you let her. :)

Original poster
NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:40

Sorry no I don't think it makes a different to state school. Just different for me as I have come from a state school.

Well that is why I found it odd, why organise the class parents to come to your house but then not introduce the new parent to anyone?

Obviously I just took offence as it is nt something I would do but seems it is quite acceptable to Mumsnet!!!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 20:40

Ahh, I missed the bit saying it was in her house, that would make a difference I think because there's no grey area with her being the host there, and it would be rude to leave someone standing there alone and not knowing anyone.

Original poster
NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:42

I couldn't talk to the person next to me as there was no chair for me, none visible and they were all sitting round the table. And I didn't dislike her at all, I didn't know her. Now I guess I have the heads up.

Obviously I am being unreasonable and need to get up to speed with school social etiquette.

OP posts:
Psammead · 07/09/2012 20:42

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was in a bit of a panic having a ton of strangers in her home and she forgot the etiquette.

It's horrid to not feel welcome. Put it behind you and start of with a clean slate with the other mums?

NurseBernard · 07/09/2012 20:43

YANBU NotbeenThere - and I find some of the responses to this thread weird, quite honestly.

How difficult is it just to be nice and friendly?

GColdtimer · 07/09/2012 20:43

YANBU. If 10 mothered knew each other then I would go out of my way to introduce the new person to at least a couple of others. Especially if that person seemed shy or I'll at ease. Just seems good manners to me.