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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel left out and think this woman is a bit of a...

48 replies

NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:14

So my child started at an independent school this week. One of the parents in the class has the parent "buddy" role if you like ...

She arranges a "class parents" coffee morning and invites me. When I arrive she does not introduce me to any of the other mothers (around 14 children in class). Actually she goes as far as to turn her back on me and leave me standing around like a lemon. So no one really spoke to me and in fact in the end asked who I was.

Actually when my child proudly showed me a sticker the other day for sport this mother interjected and said my child got a trophy for that.

Now I feel really sad. Or maybe I am sad. I am shy but felt as if it was all a bit of a set up to show me she is prize bitch top dog.

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 07/09/2012 20:45

Blimey this was in her house too. She sounds rude.

DoMeDon · 07/09/2012 20:47

"Obviously I just took offence as it is nt something I would do but seems it is quite acceptable to Mumsnet!!!"

"Obviously I am being unreasonable and need to get up to speed with school social etiquette."

I find your posts quite passive aggressive and wonder if you are a bit easily offended and hard work tbh.

She invited you so you could get to know people - that involves some effort from you.

Original poster

NotBeenThere · 07/09/2012 20:51

Not hard work or easily offended.

But offended by being invited to someone house where they all know each other and not introduced, offered a chair and just left standing - yes, I found it quite upsetting.

But having read the responses to the thread I now see that I am being unreasonable and the behaviour was perfectly normally.

OP posts:

NurseBernard · 07/09/2012 20:55

The thing is, when you post in AIBU, a lot of people just come on and disagree with you for the sake of it. It's just the way it flows in here.

Had you posted as the host Mum, you'd no doubt have had everyone telling you to cop on to yourself, and not to be so rude to a new person.

DoMeDon · 07/09/2012 20:58

I don't know - more have agreed with you I think. It's hard without knowing the exact goings on, it's your comments that made me think that, maybe it's just the fact you were so upset by it that is making you call this woman a bitch, etc? Personally I'm all about making people feel welcome but I'm a bit forgetful and often forget names/intros but that's cos I'm off opening the wine making tea/coffee. As for the chair thing, I would expect an adult to come in sit down and get comfy - maybe they're just not your type of people?

AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 20:59

Not necessarily true Nursie, well, it can be if you're the OP and it's not the reaction you expected

It's nice to be introduced to people, but you can't rely on other people if you're going to make the choice to go to something like this.

Which is why I don't put myself in that position

What were you hoping to get from it NotBeen?

purplehouse · 07/09/2012 21:02

OP, I think that you probably should have just struck up a conversation with a random parent - "Hi, my name is Sarah, I'm Imogen's mum, who is your child" type of thing. Your host probably expected you to do that so don't take her not introducing you as a slight.

On the other hand, the sticker vs trophy thing doesn't seem particularly polite, but maybe she was just a bit heavy handed in saying her child had been doing the same thing?

At this stage, just give her the benefit of the doubt, but by all means be wary incase she is infact a prize bitch!

mynewpassion · 07/09/2012 21:04

This is a two way street issue. Yes, she could have been a better hostess but you could have made more of an effort, too.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/09/2012 21:05

She should have introduced you. How rude and inconsiderate of her. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt and forget about it.

thebestisyettocome · 07/09/2012 21:10

Having been the parent of a new child at school this really doesn't surprise me at all. There is no real answer other than to try to not let it bother you

RuleBritannia · 07/09/2012 21:17

I have been in the hostess's buddy's role but elsewhere. What she should have done is to extend a hand to you, draw you towards the table and introduced you as Mrs NotBeenThere, A's mother, to the others, not necessarily telling you who all the others are because you would have forgotten almost straightaway. I would have introduced you to the nearest person (Mrs X, Y's mother), found a chair for you and carried on with the meeting, including you in any discussions.

As twofalls says, it's just the 'proper' way of doing something - manners - etiquette. It may well be an independent school but now you know someone involved who does not live up to its apparent standard. So who is the 'inferior' person here, OP?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 07/09/2012 21:20

And your problem with walking in and saying "Hi, I'm Anastasia, Tarquins Mummy" is what?

mumofjust1 · 07/09/2012 21:21

YADNBU

I would have felt exactly the same as you OP. I think that she was really rude - even if she had just said to the group "oh this is NBT, xxx mum" it would have been basic politeness.

I would feel awful if I invited someone to my home and they felt unwelcome :(

LexiLoganberry · 07/09/2012 21:21

I think she was rude, YANBU

We moved to a new area so a new school for DD she's 7 1/2, the class has been together since reception and my DD has been the only additional child to join the class and has made friends easily, I have found it more difficult, the mums know each other and don't speak to me as they understandable are drawn to other mums they know and it's now 6 months on and still don't know anyone, I don't feel I can just walk up to a group and join in a conversation they're having, they'd think I was mad.

When we lived in our previous area a new child joined my DD class and I saw the mum on the school run so I started talking to her and we became friends.

mumofjust1 · 07/09/2012 21:22

And completely agree with RuleBritannia :)

LexiLoganberry · 07/09/2012 21:22

Reading that back I sound like the host of my very own pity party

MammaTJisWearingGold · 07/09/2012 21:25

Lexi, I am movng next year, my DD is 7, just started yr three and DS is 6, just started yr one. You have given me loads of confidence about making friends in the playgound, as has the OP.

OMG, what am I doing to me and my DC? I am so selfish, wanting to go to uni and become a nurse!!!

lisad123 · 07/09/2012 21:28

That's horrible. My dd1 has started her indi. This week and parents so far have been very friendly. One of the PTA ladies introduced me to another before end of term and she invited is for a playdate as her dd is in same class.
I would have introduced myself but I'm not shy, but hope you find some nicer mums.

NurseBernard · 07/09/2012 21:29

And your problem with introducing a new person arriving into your home, and being nice and friendly and welcoming, is what, Hoops?

Silibilimili · 07/09/2012 21:35

op, what does it matter ? The question now is, do you want to be friends with this group? If so, you are going to have to suck it up and make friends.
You will have an easier time of it of you think this was what domedon said. Otherwose, you will carry the bitterness and it will show up in your behaviour.
What do you want next is the real question.

LexiLoganberry · 07/09/2012 21:35

Sorry MammaT I hope it'll be different for you. I'm sure most MNer's would tell me to be more pro-active in meeting people, I'm quite shy and don't really know how to put myself out there without looking ever so slightly mad.

Good luck on going to uni, you don't sound selfish at all, nursing IMO is one of the most unselfish professions

MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden · 07/09/2012 22:35

Yanbu - I would never treat guests like that not been there

Some people have no manners, don't let it spoil your judgment of the new school and try not to let it get to you.

MammaTJisWearingGold · 07/09/2012 22:40

I do tend to socialise easily, as in get randoms telling me their life stories at bus stops!! I don't worry too much but this has made me worry!!

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