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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to offer limited help

33 replies

LivingLaVidaLoca · 07/09/2012 16:40

In past i suffered from post natal depression and went through a very difficult time. I had no immediate family living nearby which made it more difficult. My inlaws would help with their other grandchildren and they'd all go out for lunches, days out together etc but never ask us along. Then they would even purposefully go out of their way to hide the fact they had been out together from me (I caught them out one day which really upset me and makes it even more devious). Thankfully I've pulled through my depression and I'm now well and happy again. However one of these inlaws is now getting a taste of walking in my shoes and is suffering from depression. Normally i would sympathise and offer to help etc but i hold a strong bitterness towards them all for how they treated me in my time of need. Am i been unreasonable to feel this way and offer limited help because I want them to suffer like i did? Or am i being a bitch?

OP posts:

DorisIsWaiting · 07/09/2012 16:54

I think the "suffer like I did" is unreasonable.

But to remember the support they gave and act accordingly is not.

lisaro · 07/09/2012 16:56

It's not a nice way to feel, but it is very understandable. Don't fret about it too much and bring it all back to yourself.

whiteandyelloworchid · 07/09/2012 17:00

bollocks to them
you dont have to help them or feel bad

glad your feeling better now

Original poster

LivingLaVidaLoca · 07/09/2012 17:05

Thank you and I really wish i was more of a "bollocks to them" kind of person ha ha, but I actually am feeling guilty for not helping. I guess i still have issues with what happened. I like the idea that i should remember the support they gave me and act accordingly

OP posts:

numbertaker · 07/09/2012 17:06

Let them get on with it. But dont be bitter as it will just eat you up.

Socknickingpixie · 07/09/2012 17:09

if its going to make you feel crappy to not help then yabu but if it wont bother you yanbu.

fwiw i probally would help and never ever mention how badly they treated me but thats because im fond of doing what i percive to be the right thing even if others are not.

ImNotCrazyMyMotherHadMeTested · 07/09/2012 17:21

Hmmm, I had a similar situation (not depression related though) where I could have done with a lot of help from a close relative, who did shag all (it was actually commented on by friends of mine that the person in question was useless and they were appalled by it - and they helped me significantly themselves).

That person needed support a few years ago, and is going through something else now.

The previous time, I offered help (but didn't stretch myself too much) and it was actually acknowledged by that person that I could have chosen to "put the knfe in" and that it was great that I didn't. (I felt very smug but a bit guilty about being smug so tried never to show it!)

This time round their issue is still ongoing, again I'm offering help, but I'm not going all out as I know if the situation were reversed there would still be shag all done for me. Plus I've my own family to think of and they always will come first.

I do admire those people who can forgive much, and appear to do it graciously and healthily, but that's not me! if I pushed myself much more I reckon resentment would creep in and I'd be even less helpful in the long run than I am now.

So if I were you I would try to help to some extent, but just as much as you feel comfortable with - i.e. enough to assuage any guilt and to be in some way effective, but not enough that you start to resent it.

DeckSwabber · 07/09/2012 17:28

I think you will feel better for helping and you can make very good use of what you learned when you went through it yourself. If you offer and help is not wanted you will know that you have tried.

Sometimes people just don't realise what they are doing at the time, particularly if they have never experienced PND or any other kind of depression.

Perhaps they did not realise that you had no help from your own family or didn't feel comfortable 'interfering' in your partners relationship. I mean, if you were deoressed they might have thought you had relationship problems. Sorry that might not be helpful but i'm just saying they may not have seen the situation as it was or realised that they could help.

SoupDragon · 07/09/2012 17:32

Personally, I think it does make you a bit bitchy. It's understandable to feel like that, and I do sympathise, but "suffer like I did" is not a nice sentiment to have TBH.

I'm glad you've come through the other side now. I think that I would have to help in the way I would have liked to been helped. Probably with a few comments like "I know this would really have helped me when i was where you are"

SoupDragon · 07/09/2012 17:33

The question I would ask myself is: Am I a better person than they are or am I just the same?

VeremyJyle · 07/09/2012 17:33

Personally I feel what goes around comes around, but then again I have stated at times the next time that person needs my help I'll remember this, then felt at peace doing so - some sort of balancing the scales. When people aren't there for you, its easy to be bitter but just take solace in knowing you're not a mug (for want of a better word) and you're not mugging yourself off (also for want of better wording Im blaming preghead for lack of vocabulary today )

Original poster

LivingLaVidaLoca · 07/09/2012 17:41

I admit that "suffer like I did" does sound harsh, but i think its just coming from feelings i've held onto. I'm not that type of person really hence the guilt I'm feeling. I'm going to opt for giving a little help but not going out of my way.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 07/09/2012 17:53

Don't get me wrong - I understand completely. You need to do what feels right for you and what you feel comfortable with. I would feel guilty (I think it's my natural state!) so I'd have to help where I could.

Bingdweller · 07/09/2012 19:12

I would help, especially if it's in your nature to be like that anyway. I would use the opportunity to tactfully empathise and make them aware that you wish you had some support when needed.

Be the better person, offer to help if you feel inclined to. It may go a long way to resolving some of the bitterness you feel - especially if your help is welcome and your previous own situation acknowledged.

mummydarkling · 07/09/2012 19:19

I think if it was me, and I have had difficult in laws and PND then I would take the higher ground and do as you would be done unto, not as you were done unto. I would ask them to reflect on your experience if they are able to once you have given them your support.

Narked · 07/09/2012 19:26

Karma's a bitch.

kilmuir · 07/09/2012 19:31

but you know how awful depression is. maybe at the time they had no idea what depression was like and not fully aware of how much you would have appreciated some help.
Why would you want someone to suffer like you did? that does sound bitchy

QuintessentialShadows · 07/09/2012 19:31

The "treat others the way you would like to be treated works both ways".

They did not support you and should therefore not expect any more sympathy and understanding than they showed you, so do not feel under any obligation to go out of their way for them.

GroupieGirl · 07/09/2012 19:38

Soupdragon puts it nicely.
I would feel as you do, despite wanting to be the bigger person, I would find it hard.
But don't feel guilty, just do what you can.
(Not very helpful, am I?!)

MisForMumNotMaid · 07/09/2012 19:39

You are coming at this from an educated point of view, could they have naively thought you needed space to pull yourself together?

You are in control of your destiny and under no obligation but as you say you don't have blood family near by, could this be a turning point in creating an understanding and positive relationship with this inlaw?

attheendoftheday · 07/09/2012 23:24

While what you're feeling is totally justified, I think that two wrongs don't make a right.

larks35 · 07/09/2012 23:45

I think denying your support as a retort to the lack of support you got is quite mean. You've suffered depression and have an insight that could really help this member of your family. At the time of your depression this person (I'm assuming) had no understanding of the illness and therefore didn't offer the support you needed.

If you have fully recovered then I think you should offer your support. Okay, you were let down but that doesn't mean you should let someone else in that same condition down. Gawd, if we all behaved like that this world would be even more shit than it is!

Musomathsci · 07/09/2012 23:54

The in-laws may not have really understood what depression is like, but we're not living in the dark ages - they must have had some idea what was going on, and they were pretty nasty to the OP by the sound of it.

Personally, having been through depression and recovered, I found spending time with others with depression was liable to drag me down again quite quickly, and for my own protection, I have had to steer away from trying to support others - I just can't do it and stay well myself - I'd like to help, but it does me no good.

Has your in-law actually asked for any help? Have they said anything to you about feeling sorry for your situation previously, now they know what it is like? If not, then I don't think you should feel particularly obliged to get involved. People don't change just because they are ill (usually...)

BackforGood · 08/09/2012 00:00

What deckswabber , kilmuir and larks35 said.

Narked · 08/09/2012 00:08

What Musomathsci said. we're not living in the dark ages - they must have had some idea what was going on

They made no effort to offer support and actually went out of their way to exclude you. Treat them with the same courtesy and decency as you would any random stranger but don't go out of your way for them.

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