Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be away from my kids quite often?

44 replies

severinofinn34 · 07/09/2012 16:31

My job means that I go to meetings and conferences all over the place quite frequently. I, on average, spend one or two nights and two days a week away from home.

I got talking to an older woman who does the same job as me yesterday and I said I'm generally away a couple of days and nights every week and she said it must be awful to leave your kids so often. I said 'not really, it's nice to be away and not play mum for a bit'. She looked absolutely horrified and this is my own mum's general feeling as well.

I love my job and I'm fortunate in being paid well to do something I really enjoy. I don't see it as a problem that I'm away from my kids (3 and 6 yo) so frequently. My main isue with this woman's reaction (and my mum's) is that I don't think they'd have the same response if my OH was away with work so often. In fact when my OH went and worked in the USA for seven months and was only able to come home once during that time, my mum didn't see that as being an issue at all. Double standards much!

FWIW, my kids are so used to this being my working pattern that they don't seem to mind. They are frequently reminded that it is only because I work hard and am away often that we get to have nice holidays and a nice house.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here but am I? Am I actually just a 'selfish' person as my mum thinks?

OP posts:
Petsinmypudenda · 07/09/2012 16:35

I am assuming you are leaving them with a capable person not a rabid pack of wolves?
Its fine don't listen!

Goldmandra · 07/09/2012 16:38

You are only selfish if you do it because you like the lifestyle and wouldn't change it if your children were distressed by being left often. I don't think children that age see expensive holidays and nice houses as benefits.

If they are happy and whoever they are left with is taking very good care of them there is no problem is there?

Some people are feel they are better parents for having time away at work. If that applies to you would your mother have you give it all up and then feel trapped and resentful?

Original poster
severinofinn34 · 07/09/2012 16:39

Well, with my OH!

On reflection, a pack of wolves might be better... probably less messy and probably malt less!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 16:39

You do know this is a generational attitude?

whiteandyelloworchid · 07/09/2012 16:40

if your happy and the children are happy and well cared for by whoever looks after them,
then theres no problem

ignore nosey bastards
its not there business

missymoomoomee · 07/09/2012 16:40

WHAT you mean you have a job you enjoy, that pays for your childrens clothes and food etc, and encourages a strong work ethic as they see Mummy working and you leave them with your OH..... how could you.

Don't listen I think you are being a great role model.

Adviceinscotland · 07/09/2012 16:41

I have no problem with anyone else doing this but it's just not for me.

I could not be away from my dc that much but it does not make me a better parent.

My dh spends months away at a time (forces) and for my family it's important that I am the constant parent. We don't have any family near though so I would maybe feel different if my mum was about to help etc.

Original poster
severinofinn34 · 07/09/2012 16:43

Thanks so much for your kind words.

I got a bit Sad coz I was on the phone to my mum talking about a trip to Ireland next week and she started up about the whole being too career-driven, not family-focused etc and it just really got to me. I don't know why, usually everything she says just washes over me like a fucking tidal wave!!

I do feel like I am being a good role model and I try my best to encourage them to work hard and lead by example.

Glad it's my mum being an unreasonable cow rather than me!!

OP posts:
TimothyClaypoleLover · 07/09/2012 16:45

My old boss lives away from her kids 4-5 days a week (her OH is a stay at home dad). I personally could never do it but that is her choice. She is a great role model for her kids because she has a fantastic job and has worked hard to get where she is.

WiseKneeHair · 07/09/2012 16:47

I often work weekends and overnight. My Dh is quite capable of looking after the DC and they are not harmed by this.
I get to persue the career that I have spent 20 years training for (partly at tax payers expense) and my Dc get a great female AND male role model, plus a good quality of life
It seems a win win win situation to me.
YANBU, but your Mum is.

Lolwhut · 07/09/2012 16:47

YANBU, sounds like a perfectly good arrangement. I bet it helps make you all appriciate each other too. I think your DM and work colleague are being insensitive and rude.

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/09/2012 16:50

I wish I had a job I enjoyed. You are very lucky and should not let others opinions worry you.

When I did have a more interesting role with several overnight trips a month it never bothered me that I was away - I think it is good for children to see their parents working hard.

Socknickingpixie · 07/09/2012 16:53

gold. out of intrest would you say a dad whose children didnt like him going to work should not do it?

op yanbu its totally rubbish and a very daft idea to go with but i would forgive them because is really is a age thing.

some parents work outside of the house who gives a stuff if its mum or dad, and if you could find me any other parent who hasnt at least once thought "thank christ i get to go to work for a rest" then i will show you a liar.

whiteandyelloworchid · 07/09/2012 16:53

oh they are actually with their dad!the other person who loves them morethan anything
def ignore the comments then
dont let your mum or anyone else tell you what you should be doing

be tbh sahm and dads are fab role models too.

MarysBeard · 07/09/2012 16:56

A couple of women in my running group were Hmm because I left my kids with DH while I go running. "You have him well trained, don't you?"

UmmOfUmbridge · 07/09/2012 17:06

YANBU
I would do it! DH spends time away and he hates it but needs must. I definitely couldn't do it for extended periods but a night or two a week I would love a bed to myself could cope with.

It's your life. People leave their dc with nannies and send them to boarding school and they are quite happy! Some not but if your family are happy then ignore the haters :)

UmmOfUmbridge · 07/09/2012 17:09

Mary's - We have five dc and I frequently get asked 'who has the kids' if I'm out anywhere without them.
When I say theyre with DH, I always get something along the lines of 'Ahh isn't he good' Hmm

Katienana · 07/09/2012 17:15

I wouldn't like being away from home that much and I wouldn't like my dh being away all the time either. We both miss each other when he is away. My dad worked away a lot when I was young and we missed him, it was worth it financially but it wasnt ideal. If you are happy with it though fair enough.

5madthings · 07/09/2012 17:18

yanbu at all! they are with their dad! its fine.

i also have five and get lots if amazed/oh isnt he good type comments when dp looks after them! err what a parent looking after their children...how odd Confused

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2012 17:20

It's not a generational attitude, it's a personal attitude.

Not everyone over the age of 50 objects to working mothers.

Just saying.

CityDweller · 07/09/2012 17:23

The world needs more women, and mothers, like you OP. I love your attitude and imagine you, and your DH, provide a wonderful role models for your children. So long as they don't feel neglected by you, or that your work is more important than them (which doesn't sound like it's the case), and you feel that you have a balance that works for you.

Perhaps those older women who criticise are a bit jealous that you have the fulfilling career they were unable to have? Either way, ignore them and their 1950s attitudes to women's roles.

Bunbaker · 07/09/2012 17:24

"I got talking to an older woman who does the same job as me yesterday and I said I'm generally away a couple of days and nights every week and she said it must be awful to leave your kids so often. I said 'not really, it's nice to be away and not play mum for a bit'. She looked absolutely horrified and this is my own mum's general feeling as well."

Because to them leaving their children for two days a week is an awful thing. I work two days a week and MIL thinks that I am awful for doing so. Your lifestyle wouldn't suit me because I did all of that before I had DD, plus OH is so absent minded and forgetful he forgets to give DD her medication when she needs it.

I think some people are just jealous of you, and some people just assume that because it wouldn't suit them you shouldn't be doing it either.

Francagoestohollywood · 07/09/2012 17:25

Yanbu. No, you are not selfish, just rather normal.

Francagoestohollywood · 07/09/2012 17:26

(meant in a nice way, of course Smile)

Jinsei · 07/09/2012 17:34

OP, do you have daughters? If so, what would you want for them when they are older? I have a dd, and I want her to grow up secure in the knowledge that she can have a rewarding, enjoyable career and a happy family life, if that's what she chooses. The way I see that, I'm helping to model that for her now.