to be away from my kids quite often?

[severinofinn34]

My job means that I go to meetings and conferences all over the place quite frequently. I, on average, spend one or two nights and two days a week away from home.

I got talking to an older woman who does the same job as me yesterday and I said I'm generally away a couple of days and nights every week and she said it must be awful to leave your kids so often. I said 'not really, it's nice to be away and not play mum for a bit'. She looked absolutely horrified and this is my own mum's general feeling as well.

I love my job and I'm fortunate in being paid well to do something I really enjoy. I don't see it as a problem that I'm away from my kids (3 and 6 yo) so frequently. My main isue with this woman's reaction (and my mum's) is that I don't think they'd have the same response if my OH was away with work so often. In fact when my OH went and worked in the USA for seven months and was only able to come home once during that time, my mum didn't see that as being an issue at all. Double standards much!

FWIW, my kids are so used to this being my working pattern that they don't seem to mind. They are frequently reminded that it is only because I work hard and am away often that we get to have nice holidays and a nice house.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here but am I? Am I actually just a 'selfish' person as my mum thinks?

My mum worked away a lot from when I was 7 to when I left home at 18. I was and am immensley proud of her and all that she's achieved, I think she did a fantastic job of raising her family, providing us with things that she never had as a child (such as holidays abroad) and building a professional profile that is intimidating in the extreme now that I am a grown up and a mum myself!

Ignore comments like this. Everyone parents, works and lives differently, it's what makes the world exciting.

I am assuming you are leaving them with a capable person not a rabid pack of wolves?
Its fine don't listen

pack of wolves

some fathers work away are out of the house a few days a week army parents are away months on end are they selfish for doing their job. I bet if you were a father NOBODY would say awww poor neglected kiddies, you are working tis a work/life balance isn't it, some folk are just old fashioned about this sort of thing

You are totally reasonable and sane, as you say no one would bat an eyelid if it is the father working away from home (as my DH does frequently).

I am a SAHM by choice (with a school age child )} mainly because I am lazy - I get a similar reaction when I say that I prefer to have a holiday alone because being with DH and DS is what I do all the time !

Whatever you do as a mother, someone will find something to criticise .

ragwort do you really go on holiday alone ? oh what is it like

I agree no one would even give it a second thought if you were the father not the mother. You're leaving them with their dad, who is just as much their parents as you are.

If this arrangement is working for your family, that's what matters - it's no one else's business. You are very lucky to have a job that you enjoy and that pays well, not everyone can say that!

They are with their other parent. There is no issue here imvho.

Personally I wouldn't like it but that's what I am used to. Perhaps if I had had a fabulously well paid job that I enjoyed before having kids I might feel differently.

Frustrating that people feel they can't do this as their partners wouldn't cope. Are they adults? do they work? Surely they will cope. Yanbu. I go away rarely and my DH makes me feel like a bad parent but these are his issues from growing up with an immensely over protective mother.

"gold. out of intrest would you say a dad whose children didnt like him going to work should not do it?"

I think all parents have a responsibility to consider the balance between earning enough for the lifestyle they want if that takes them away a lot and being at home for their children.

The OP is leaving her children with their father so the arrangement doesn't have a detrimental effect on them.

This is a really big issue with me also.
I work evenings and weekends. Some weekends I have to stay overnight, and occasionally (once or twice a year, several nights).
I have recently had to do 8 days away (7 nights) which TBH I did really struggle with, but it is only an annual thing. DD is just turned 3.

People ALWAYS say "who looks after her?" and I say "her dad" . Then I get the "isn't it hard?" or "I couldn't do that" or the most stupidest "don't you miss her?". Well yes, it's fucking hard, you are lucky if you don't HAVE to do it, let's hope you are never in the position where you do have too, and yes, I miss her terribly.

But, I do have to work, it is a career that will continue progressing, and I do love it. Also, me and DD have such a lovely time when we are at home together, I think I defiantly appreciate her so much more when I come back from being away.

Me working provides her with a much better quality of life and I think it actually makes me parent better as I feel fulfilled in all aspects of life. Pretty sure I would be miserable if I didnt work.

The only down side is DP works full time mon-fri 9-5, so we do get very little time together as a family. But life is what it is, never perfect, and we make the best of the time we have.

I also, like others, want my DD to grow up thinking she can do anything she wants to do. Not think she is destined to a life of being tied to the kitchen, or working a unrewarding job that "fits around the kids" (unless that's what she wants, obviously) purely because of er gender.

Rant over

YANBU - I am a SAHM and choose not to be away from my child very often at all, because to do so would cause me great upset and not be a 'break' at all. This is what works for us at the moment, it sounds like your situation works for the people involved (you, OH and DCs) so it doesn't matter one bit how anybody else feels about it.

I agree with those saying you are being a positive role model to your children, and I would imagine that the time you do spend together is made precious by the time spent away.

Unfortunately there are always going to be comments made about the way we bring up our children; but if everyone in the immediate family is happy then I find the best thing to do is absentmindedly say "yeah" to anything they criticise, unless you can actually be bothered to put them straight

YANBU although if you're not bothered, I wonder why you ask?
Do your children ask for you and you reply that "it's for a nice house/holiday"? Just wondering.

I work BTW - will be finishing my second and last bout of maternity leave shortly. I have to work long hours and do travel in a job I enjoy, but honestly, I don't want to be away from my children simple because when I'm on my death bed, I won't regret spending time with my kids but I will regret working too hard.

Ignore! You know if your kids are happy.
Thought I'd join in as I also frequently work away. A bit irregular but I probably average 2 night a way per week - it's more like 3-4 nights 3 weeks in a row, then 2 weeks working at home (with early finishes for park trips!)
My 3yo is perfectly happy about it.
I tell her I go because I enjoy my job (I prefer that to be the main message) and I want to, but also have d

YANBU. A lot of people feel
the same but a lot won't admit it. Perhaps you are a little selfish but aren't we all? Including your dh and your dc? Nothing worse than a martyr.

Next year I'm planning on doing a postgrad which will involve one night away every two weeks. I have to say that I am looking forward to thinking outside the mum zone and having some time to myself. I am also sure that I will be looking forward to coming home to them as well. A balance is good for everyone I think.

Explained about essential money (mortgage) and extras (Disney dresses!)
Last week she said she'd like a Belle dress and could I go to work!
She is perfectly happy, and gets lovely 1:1 time with her father.

I also get the "who looks after her?" question, that I'm SURE my partner wouldn't get!

If it suits you and your kids who cares. However, you are emphasising the material things you get from working which to me is not my thing. Kids really do not value a 5 star hotel over a camping holiday, we've done both and the kids prefer camping by a long way.

If you are just working for stuff - bigger house/car/more holidays I do think thats a bit sad really because it really doesn't matter, it doesn't make you any happier IMO/E.

Sounds like it works well for the family - your children are happy, you're happy ..can't see the problem. You have a job you and enjoy and it pays well. This is not to be underestimated!

I think it's fine OP and you should ignore the criticism. The only thing I disagree with about what you have written is the role model part.

I think that families do what works for their family. You do what works for you, another family does what works for them and maybe that does involve dad working long hours and mum staying home for example, like us. Both scenerios are good role models and I make sure that my children understand that us and the parents of their friends all do slightly different things depending on all the circumstances and all are fine.

I agree I would like my daughter to see me have a career, not just her father.

I agree that the 'nice house and nice holidays' thing feels a bit off. Maybe when they're teenagers they will sympathise, but what six year-old, let alone 3 year-old cares how big their house is? My kids are a similar age and I just say I have to work because it's my job.