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AIBU?

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Original poster

An I a mean bitch for not wanting to Skype with ex and son (20 months)

38 replies

washingonawednesday · 07/09/2012 13:00

Ex days it's too expensive to visit. Wants access 9 times a year and that's it.

He wants to Skype instead. ( will provide webcam)

Now my son is only 20 months old. Does not sit still for more than 1 minute at a time (I'm serious!) can only say 'mummy' 'daddy' 'yes' and 'bee'.

This does not appear to be conducive to a conversation with daddy!

It means I'll have to sit there daily, weekly, whatever with a wriggly toddler on my lap who'll probably be interested for a minute and run off leaving me having a conversation with the ex who I hate. All chat will be 'tell daddy about nursery today- did you have a good time?' cue son - 'yes, bee, daddy'

I am infuriated that he thinks at such a young age that skype will a) work with such a young child and b) be a suitable replacement for actual contact.

I don't like him. Don't want to see him. Dont want to talk to him. Don't want his ugly mug in my house!

An I a really mean bitch for saying no until he's older and can actually hold a conversation with him?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 07/09/2012 13:02

Sounds a lazy, token kind of contact.

How far away does he live?

kinkynagbag · 07/09/2012 13:06

yes you are.
i take it he lives abroad. so 9 times in a year works out nearly every month.
he is doing his best to keep in contact with his son and i would be counting your lucky stars tbh.

set a time to skype say 3 times a week at a set time. even if its only for 5 minutes. as your child getsolder he will reconised his dad and will want to talk him for longer/with out you being there.

it isnt about you. its about your child.

sorry i think you are trying to make things harder then they have to be. do go creating drama when there is none.

kinkynagbag · 07/09/2012 13:07

that is if he does infact live abroad. as thats how iv read it

StuntGirl · 07/09/2012 13:08

As an addition to visits and to supplement contact when he can't be there it's quite a nice thought, no different I suppose to people ringing so their kids can hear their voice.

If you think he's just being a lazy arse and is doing it instead of visits then it's not such a sweet thought. It's quite intrusive into your life to have to physically see him all the time if you don't get on.

You know him best, but I would think actual contact and building a relationship with his son should be more important. Is there a reason he can only visit 9 times a year?

DameEnidsOrange · 07/09/2012 13:10

If you don't want to argue with him then pop DS on chair in front of webcam once ex is logged on, and then leave him to it. When he repeatedly wanders off after a minute your ex will soon realise that it's not going to work

JockSprockPooPongMcPlop · 07/09/2012 13:10

Why can't you just set up the webcam so your ex can just watch his DS playing with toys? No need for conversation.

DorisIsWaiting · 07/09/2012 13:15

Was going to suggest same as DameEnid put him on the chair and go (the smirk quietly out of camera shot as he tries to 'have a conversation' and see how long it lasts ( and he calls you not knowing if you are in the room ..... much much easier than an arguemnt.

My sis used to do this ALOT when DC's were small. It only really works now her youngest is 5.

valiumredhead · 07/09/2012 13:20

YABVU

MyLastDuchess · 07/09/2012 13:20

My parents live in another country and want to talk to my DS (now 2) on Skype as often as possible.

It drives me up the wall as DS is just not that interested and the whole thing takes forever. I understand them wanting to see him on Skype, but DS wants to run around and play, he's not interested in seeing them on screen.

(It doesn't help that my mother spends the whole time going, oh, you've gone all fuzzy, wait, the sound's cutting out, blah blah blah.)

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 07/09/2012 13:20

Nope not abroad- 400 miles away living with ow and soon to be new baby.

I think I am being a bitch about it, but I feel inclined to say tough!

Desk top do cant put it in his room. If I put him near the computer in his own he'll want to press all the buttons and probably cut him off so I'll have to be there.

He is prioritising new relationship over our son. Pleads poverty for lack of access then tells me he's been to wembly to see football or other days out, he just can't be arsed to do the drive.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 07/09/2012 13:22

You should encourage it, it won't be long before your ds will be able to do it himself and talk to his dad.

CadleCrap · 07/09/2012 13:30

I live overseas and have a 20 month old DD.

Every time I leave DD by the laptop on skype to PIL she plays her favourite game of pressing the off/on button on the laptop, this of course stops the skype.

I "never "realise she has ended the call (because it should be DH to do the skype calls to his f-ing parents) and have set skype to not come on as soon as i am on line.

Just saying Wink

LunarRose · 07/09/2012 14:03

I'm with Dame Enid. If DS hits the off button, he hits the off button; if he walks off just let him. Access is for the child anyway and you've done your bit to promote the relationship, trust me there may come a time when you'll really appreciate being able to say that.

FWIW we had court ordered telephone contact at a very similar age I argued against it for all the same reasons (how do you have a telephone conversation with a two year old and an 18 month year old with SN). in the end just put DD on the phone for the weekly contact "phone call for you" and left her to it. when she hung up (accidentally or deliberately) that was it, I didn't get involved. he lasted about 2 months before he starting forgetting... really wished I hadn't bothered arguing about it.

kinkynagbag · 07/09/2012 14:58

sorry, i take it back. he obv not doing all he can.

but

i w ould still do it. have a set time. if he forgets to call etc or if its not panning out how he wants hell stop.

NatashaBee · 07/09/2012 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

canistartagainplease · 07/09/2012 15:13

You are just saying you dont want to skype with him,not cut him off from your son .
Dont be guilted into having technology in your house,and facilitating him at his beck and call.
cant he call your son? Its what people have been donig for years.

He'll just have to make the effort to visit.

exoticfruits · 07/09/2012 15:16

It isn't really for him - it is for your DS and will make it much easier when he visits. Make them short.

inabeautifulplace · 07/09/2012 15:17

I am skyping with my 14mo currently as she's away with my wife in another country. She recognises me, smiles and babbles for a bit. It is more important than anything else in my life.

I think it is important for your child to carry on, even with this low level of contact. Set some ground rules, dates and short calls only. If he's still not interested then you'll have done your best.

exoticfruits · 07/09/2012 15:17

When his father wants to take him on holiday do you not think it will be easier if they have had the regular contact?

complexnumber · 07/09/2012 15:18

400 miles is a long way, who moved from whom?

exoticfruits · 07/09/2012 15:18

His concentration will improve with age.

Emmielu · 07/09/2012 15:29

Surely isnt it better than nothing? Think yourself lucky OP. I've been trying to get DD's dad to see her for 5 years. Now all he'll do is write a letter every now and again.

JockSprockPooPongMcPlop · 07/09/2012 21:23

You can direct the webcam onto the floor of the room that the computer is in then put DS on the floor with some toys and tell him to show them to his dad or just leave him to play. It's up to him if he ignores the computer or turns it off.

WorraLiberty · 07/09/2012 21:28

Give it a go. If it doesn't work, your ex will see that he's too young and maybe try when he's a bit older?

I read the thread title and instantly thought that you were the NRP and your ex had suggested you Skyped to keep up your contact with him.

I was going to say "YABU, you should do what's best for your DS".

I think you still should.

purplepansy · 07/09/2012 22:14

YABU. Whining about how inconvenient a skype session will be for you. Think about your son, and his relationship with his father, stepmum and stepbrother/sister.

This bit of your post says it all:
'I don't like him. Don't want to see him. Dont want to talk to him. Don't want his ugly mug in my house'

Thing is, it's not about you is it...

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