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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my nan using my toilet

65 replies

Inneedofbrandy · 07/09/2012 11:51

I know I'm BU but I can't help it. Why is it every time my nan comes over the first thing she does is use my toilet. She has her own toilets at her own house ffs!

It actually revolts me, she doesn't shut the door she doesn't wash her hands and she try's to talk to me while weeing.

I know I'm sounding like a right bitch but it disgusts me. I stand there seething at the the sound of her weeing and farting an talking away.

I live in a flat so I'm trapped in a room until she finishes so I don't see her on the bog. I have spoke to her about this over the years (6) But she doesn't see the problem.

The really unreasonable part is, if this was my friend I wouldn't care less. In fact if we were in town or pub we'd all share cubicals.

I'm a complete cow to begrudge my nan use of toilet right?

OP posts:
thebestisyettocome · 07/09/2012 12:17

Does her own toilet work?

futureunkown · 07/09/2012 12:19

It is the not washing hands that would gross me out, not the other bits.

I would actually tell her to wash her hands and watch until it was done. I can't stand dirty hands touching things in my house or being used for eating. I get the DCs and their friends to wash their hands when they arrive. Anyone not washing after using the loo would be out on their ear lectured on matters of hygiene.

Latara · 07/09/2012 12:20

Be grateful that you have a nan who loves you & wants to spend time with you.

Lots of my friends are in their 20s or older & all their grandparents have died; or have no contact for various reasons. Quite a few of my friends lost their nans when they were children.

So you are actually very lucky to have your nan around.

I would think that she'd be extremely distressed to know that you are bitching about her online (despite being anonymous).

Just keep closing the door when she's on the toilet; & if she doesn't wash her hands then say 'oh look what i bought', ask her to hold her hands out & pump some handgel onto her hands for her to use.
Repeat until she gets the message.

Thumbwitch · 07/09/2012 12:21

Fit an automatic door closer onto the door. Wink

YA, of course, BU to try and stop her using the loo - she doubtless needs to! But the rest of it, YANBU. There is no need for her to be so open about it.

Hand her a wetwipe for her hands as soon as she comes out of the loo and refuse to do anything else until she's used it.

valiumredhead · 07/09/2012 12:22

I agree Latara I would quite happily put up with my nan on the loo with the door open and not washing her hands, if it meant seeing her again.

PedanticPanda · 07/09/2012 12:24

Latara, I'm in my 20s and have no relationship with my grandparents, the ones that are still alive that is, but I'd never begrudge the OP a little moan!

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 07/09/2012 12:26

Piglet I've been sucking it up for 6 an a half years.

Dog I think next time it happens I will be brave an pointedly shut the door.

Green hill it's more about her toilet etiquette then how many times she goes.

Valium I don't know, With her it makes me cringe,

Primrose no its not that long but it's every single time.

I like the idea of a uncomfy toilet seat. Or maybe il stop cleaning it lol

Did that could work as could hand gel just for her!

I don't need to be lectured about bitching about family members when the majority of MN is about mums dads brothers sisters inlaws doing things a different way,

OP posts:
Lolwhut · 07/09/2012 12:27

YABU. .(just a little bit) ... But I can totally sympathise with you. I would tell her quite bluntly that you don't like it, that you love her etc,etc but you don't want to see her on the loo.

diddl · 07/09/2012 12:27

But OP hasn´t said she won´t she her Nan any more because of it-she´s asking for help to deal with it.

valiumredhead · 07/09/2012 12:30

Valium I don't know, With her it makes me cringe Why, because she is old? Thing about getting older is you feel the same, the outer shell is just different. She is doing what you and your mates do.

Yes, she could do with washing her hands but...

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 07/09/2012 12:31

Of course I'm not going to stop seeing her. I see her 2 to 3 days a week since my grandad died last April. So please don't patronise me on being lucky to have grandparents. How do you know she's not the last.

You are more then welcome to tell me I'm BU about the toilet issue though.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 07/09/2012 12:33

You need to do a big steaming poo in the loo before she comes round and not flush. A few times of that should put her off using your loo.

Youcanringmybell · 07/09/2012 12:35

YANBU this would horrify me too. Yes she needs the toilet but to not wash her hands and wee and fart whilst still talking to you is actually disrespectful of YOU.

Argh. I think be a little firmer. This is YOUR home and that is basic manners fgs.

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 07/09/2012 12:36

I have actually thought about the being old issue. I don't think it's that. My nan is just very open with every thing. Will never forget the convo of her telling me to milk the cow when bf cums! I can deal with all that with her just the toilet issues.

OP posts:
severinofinn34 · 07/09/2012 12:37

Ewwwww. No YANBU. That would absolutely turn my stomach, especially the lack of handwashing. I'd be following here all around the house spraying everything she'd touched with antibacterial stuffs.

Bleurgh.

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 07/09/2012 12:37

Viva my nan don't care about poo she ran her own nursing home for years and years poo in the toilet is a minor thing to her.

OP posts:
TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 07/09/2012 12:38

I never understand the 'you're lucky to have them' argument on these sorts of threads. People should be able to have a whinge about their relatives without other people pointing out that their relatives of same have died and therefore the OP is instantly being unreasonable, simply because she's daring to have a moan about them rather than leaping about dancing because they're alive.

The not washing hands sounds horrid, I agree with whoever suggested you get a wee bottle of hand rub and to some very pointed passing when she comes out Wink

peeriePistoriuslicker · 07/09/2012 12:43

Shout "SHUT THE BLOODY DOOR NAN I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU WEEING!!"
If she's not some frail little flower she might start to get it.
Or hang a sign on the wall.
PLEASE SHUT THE DOOR
PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS
This means YOU

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 07/09/2012 12:47

My mums the same. She wee's very loudly with the door open and then doesn't wash her hands.

I've never said anything. Tbh we live 2 hours apart and I don't see her that often. She's lovely in all other ways and looks after the dses in the holidays who love her very much, so I forgive her unfortunate toilet etiquette!

I don't know why I hate it but I do. I never wee with the door open even if am the only one in the houseConfused

greenhill · 07/09/2012 12:48

I'm sorry OP but my second paragraph was supposed to be lighthearted.

The pulling the door, mentioning the lovely soap, insisting she used it....maybe blocking the doorway until she used it still count as advice.

The anti bac hand spray is an excellent suggestion. Especially as you can wait until she has finished and out of the toilet.

Latara · 07/09/2012 12:49

Sorry if i sounded arsey - should have had a cuppa tea before posting; had one now!

It is difficult to get older people into good habits.
But it can be done - next time your nan visits then start as you mean to go on; be pleasant but firm.

So... shut the door; say ''nan, we'll chat when you've finished in there'' each time she tries to talk; then make sure she uses hand gel.
Ideally soap & water is best - but hand gel is better than nothing.

If you prefer her to use soap & water (i would) then get her to use the kitchen sink - that way you get to check she washes her hands properly & doesn't just quickly rinse them.

Try buying a matching handwash & handcream in pretty packaging - moisturising with a nice scent eg. cocoa butter - put it by the kitchen sink, when she leaves the toilet say; ''look, i've got this lovely new cream that's really good for your skin; but you have to wash your hands in the matching soap to get the full benefits'' - give her a soft fluffy towel to dry hands with & help massage in the cream.
Even paint her nails for her.
Then give her a really nice slice of cake with her tea.
Basically make her associate handwashing with positive activities.

Only give her a nice biscuit / cake with her tea if she closes the door & washes her hands. If not then it's 1 plain biscuit only.

Lolwhut · 07/09/2012 12:54

peeriePistoriuslicker

Exactly that....

That would be what I would say and I would make a point of putting up the note while she was there. I would do it with a big smile on my face so I would hopefully not offend her but more jolly her into compliance.

greenhill · 07/09/2012 12:54

latara this sounds like toilet training toddlers, it really worked with my DD, especially the matching hand cream bit.

severinofinn34 · 07/09/2012 12:59

Latara... lol. Associate handwashing with positive activities.She's a nan, done a Dalmation!

Original poster
Inneedofbrandy · 07/09/2012 13:00

She's not a frail flower but I don't want to hurt er feelings. Did make me laugh peerie!

My nans lovely in all other ways to Doyouthink!

Latara she's not a dog to be trained...

I will next time say oh nanny I've bought some lovely soap try it out, and do the anti bac stuff. Will get kids on board to remind her. It looks like there just following the rules.

Will keep telling her about shutting the door in a bright and cheerful way.

OP posts: