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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help please...

49 replies

WhereMyMilk · 06/09/2012 14:21

Can it ever be right to lie with good reason?

DD's (8) rabbit was killed last night by a hawk. She will be devastated beyond words (she is a v sensitive girl, who cried when grandparents koi carp went to a new home as they were moving near to us).

DS's (6&3) will also be very upset.

Am not sure how or what to do now. They've just gone back to school, and I don't want this time to be negatively viewed when they had a fab first day (much different to last year's start).

Although I would never normally lie, as I strongly view honesty as the best policy, I'm very tempted to make it not so bad, and just say she's escaped? Rather than dead?

Not sure which way to go...would definitely not tell them about the hawk.

OP posts:
FelixCited · 06/09/2012 14:23

I'd say he escaped. A little white lie under these circumstances is ok IMO. Good luck!

Socknickingpixie · 06/09/2012 14:24

thing is if it escaped wont she spend hours trawling the area looking for it?

NikitasSidekick · 06/09/2012 14:24

could you say it was a fox rather than a hawk?

GordonsAlive · 06/09/2012 14:26

I'm afraid that sad as it is, honesty is the best policy as you have said. If you say it has escaped she will probably want to go out looking for it / do lost rabbit notices etc. How long could you keep up a lie in those circumstances?

Ephiny · 06/09/2012 14:26

I think a white lie is OK in principle, but if they think he's escaped will they not want to search for him, keep looking out and hoping etc? You might have to keep up the pretense for some time...

Original poster
WhereMyMilk · 06/09/2012 14:27

Felix, I think I'm with you there...

No fox also-would still involve visions of ripping throats!

Must go pick up now, but will check back before deciding.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 06/09/2012 14:27

I think I would say it was dead rather than missing, surely that would just lead to weeks of worry rather than her being upset but dealing with it. If it had a grisly end and that's the problem tell her it was sick and you took it to the vet and it died peacefully.

effingwotsits · 06/09/2012 14:28

I would say it had escaped. She would have images in her head forever of a hawk swooping it up Sad

SPsFanjoSponsoredByOrange · 06/09/2012 14:28

I'm not sure.

When I was about 7 I had a rabbit and a dog. I went to school one day and when I came home the rabbit was gone. She said he must have escaped.

Then a few month later she said she had a phone call and the police wanted my dog to train with them.

Took me years to realise that my dog had attacked and killed my rabbit.

Then turned out my dog was really poorly and was been put down for his own good.

It wasn't til a few year ago when I was talking to my mum about if my dog became a great police dog or not that I found out the truth Blush

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 06/09/2012 14:30

Agree with Floral, good idea. It may lead to tears, but if she's sensitive it's perhaps a good way to lay the groundwork for other, bigger losses she may have to deal with later down the line.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 06/09/2012 14:30

Sorry if that sounded doom-laden, it wasn't meant to. You know the kind of thing I mean though.

thebeesnees79 · 06/09/2012 14:31

I would say it got out and you have spent all day looking for it. I personally don't see the point in upsetting her more.

missymoomoomee · 06/09/2012 14:32

Could you say that the rabbit had died in its sleep and you buried it in the garden while they were at school?

Original poster
WhereMyMilk · 06/09/2012 14:32

How did you cope with the "missing" at the time SP?

Really just don't want her sobbing and upset now.

I also feel terribly guilty as it's my fault really as forgot to fetch her in early enough :(

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 06/09/2012 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ephiny · 06/09/2012 14:33

If you can say it's died, but maybe in a less violent/grisly way than being taken by a hawk or fox, that might be a good compromise.

I agree the loss of a pet, while very sad, can be a good way for children to learn about death, for you to talk to them about it in an age-appropriate way etc. It's part of having pets, and it's part of life tbh.

And sometimes kids can cope with things better than you might think.

peeriePistoriuslicker · 06/09/2012 14:34

I second the "rabbit got sick, went to vet, died peacefully" fib.

gothicangel · 06/09/2012 14:35

tbh i would tell her that the bunny had died, no need for details of how, unless she asks,

hope she is ok when you tell her xx

Dahlen · 06/09/2012 14:36

I think at 8 she's old enough to learn the truth (albeit a sanitised version).

Death is a natural part of life and avoidance of this fact is a peculiarly modern phenomenon. IMO it's part of the reason why many adult people can't cope with the death of relatives, etc. Grief is normal and to be expected, but human beings are psychologically equipped to be able to deal with it. Pretending it doesn't exist and 'shielding' our children from this reality simply denies them the chance to build on this skill - because it is a vital life skill.

SPsFanjoSponsoredByOrange · 06/09/2012 14:37

I thought my dog was going to help people and be famous tbh. Been a police dog and all.

The rabbit my mum said he had escaped and she had searched for him all day. She said another little girl might have found him and is looking after him. She might need him around more then me.

I didn't get another animal for a few year after that though.

Badgerina · 06/09/2012 14:37

Honestly? I think I'd be truthful. Not for any sanctimonious ideas about "always being truthful" to children, but because being upset about something isn't the end of the world. It won't be nice for your children to hear what happened (you could try and sugar-coat the cause of death), but isn't that part of the point of having a pet? As well as loving and caring for it, there comes a time when the pet dies, or is killed and there's a really valuable lesson in there.

Yes, it won't be nice to have to comfort 3 crying children, but you are their mum and that's your job. Perhaps you can cheer them up after the wailing has stopped by offering to treat them to an outing at the weekend? Or a film with popcorn at home?

Give them a chance to mourn their pet. I think in the long run, it's healthier for them.

SPsFanjoSponsoredByOrange · 06/09/2012 14:39

But strangely is family died I was told straight away which is probably why I believed the story of him becoming a police dog.

I don't know why my mum decided not to be honest but there was my little brothers who were 6 and 4 at the time so I'm guessing it was mainly for them.

BrainSurgeon · 06/09/2012 14:39

Can you get another bunny quickly? (stoopid question but just in case your DD's rabbit was all one colour or easy to find similar)

avivabeaver · 06/09/2012 14:40

oh, i would lie outright and convincingly and say that bunny was poorly and went to the vet followed by sadly he/she died.

i would defo not tell her that it got ripped to death by a bird of prey

call me soft if you like

naturalbaby · 06/09/2012 14:41

You can't say it escaped - she will look for it.

Tell her it died in it's sleep. You need to think of a reason why she can't bury the body though.