Help please...

[WhereMyMilk]

Can it ever be right to lie with good reason?

DD's (8) rabbit was killed last night by a hawk. She will be devastated beyond words (she is a v sensitive girl, who cried when grandparents koi carp went to a new home as they were moving near to us).

DS's (6&3) will also be very upset.

Am not sure how or what to do now. They've just gone back to school, and I don't want this time to be negatively viewed when they had a fab first day (much different to last year's start).

Although I would never normally lie, as I strongly view honesty as the best policy, I'm very tempted to make it not so bad, and just say she's escaped? Rather than dead?

Not sure which way to go...would definitely not tell them about the hawk.

I agree - if you say it's escaped she will look for it, maybe make posters and asks neighbours, hope for weeks it will turn up and THEN grieve when it doesn't

just be honest with her

I would tell her the rabbit has died. If she asks, then I would explain that you just found it dead and it looked peaceful. Please don't say it died in it's sleep or that it was put to sleep. (My parents used the 'sleep' thing and I was terrified of sleeping incase I didn't wake up!)

When our guinea pigs died (natural causes) I thought the girls would be devastated. They cried for a little bit, but then were very matter of fact and set about planning the funeral. They drew some pictures and spoke about them and then said, "So can we get some rats now?"

I hope your dd is ok.

You could say the Hawk killed it and fed it to her babies? (This is the kind of thing that would comfort DS. He LOVES nature documentaries though)

Don't say it escaped, because she will worry about where it is. You have to tell her it died so she can be sad but know that it is final.

HOWEVER the being killed by a hawk is pretty gruesome and I know my DD, who is also of a v sensitive nature, would find that really distressing. (She will be sad anyway, no need to ratchet that up with the grizzly nature of its demise.)

I would just say you went to feed it this morning and found it dead. But it looked very peaceful and didn't suffer any pain.

Could you put it in a box (do not show body if ripped to pieces!) and give it a funeral? Dd could draw a picture for it or write a little poem.

I would definitely not say killed by a hawk but would go for the sick, gone to vets, died, vet buried it. Now shall we have a memorial service in the back garden.

Oh goodness. My children's rabbit got killed by the neighbours' Jack Russell years back and I still remember it. The bloody thing went at the cage for hours (must have) until it got the door undone. It was locked and all.

I lied and told the children (14 - 5 years) that the rabbit escaped and I very much wish I hadn't. Partly because they thought it might come back, and they still remember it. Hopeless.

If I had my time again, being ill, the vet and pts (not mentioning the word sleep to little ones) would have been much better. Then you just have to remember to keep the untruth going for the next decade.

Just curious - how did the hawk get it

Conor-she has a really big outdoor run (comes in at night usually to avoid what happened) and also, as is what normally happens, the children had left the lid off, as had been hopping in and out to play with her after school.

I take on board everything being said. Am struggling somewhat (especially with own guilt).

Poor rabbit. I may leave it till tomorrow night and then try to do the poorly, taken to vet during day and died there. (will need to prime the vet though as their DS is best friends with mine!)

It's a horrible thing to have to deal with, but is asking the vet to lie to both their children and yours such a good idea?

Regardless of whether you asked them before or after you told your DC, it's just widening the problem and they might not feel able to say no.

SP That's really sad

Crumbs Agent, this is where it gets so hard. Exactly why I had to get advice here though :(

It's putting them in a difficult position and you'd be deciding they'd be OK lying for them.

Are you sure it's best not to just tell your DD the truth? The younger ones I can understand shielding them from the details, but at 8 won't she know everything's not quite right, even if she doesn't tell you she suspects?

My DD is pretty 'sensitive' so I know how you feel, but trying to keep them from hurting isn't always the best policy.

Hope that doesn't make me sound too harsh, I don't mean telling them all the ills of the world, just letting them in on things as they come up in an appropriate way.

I would tell her what happened, she can begin understanding that hawks need to eat too. and while it's very sad (and one reason I keep my cats inside is I don't want them eaten by a coyote) it is better than a senseless death.

I always was told the truth about my animals deaths, and while I cried, I did have closure and understood better how to care for an animal so it wouldn't get hurt like that.

Of course, Dh would say I'm over protective, but my animals tend to live a long, happy life!

Please don't say she's missing - I remember the agony of designing leaflets, printing them and putting them up all over the place, sobbing myself to sleep for weeks, hunting the area, looking over fences

only to have my cunting, bastard parents tell me years later than they'd killed it because they didn't want it (actually they described (drunk and laughing)chasing it round the garden to 'stove' its head in) - I genuinely would have been happier knowing it had died quickly. 'looked a bit peaky, then passed away at the vets' - even the death by hawk would have been better.

Sorry - the point of the above is that don't lie it's not dead as you won't remember in a few years time what the lie was and finding out your parents would lie to you about something so critical as about death is awful.

I'd say that it died but not go into details unless she asked. If she asks then I would tell her the truth. I know why people do lie to their kids but it's something I avoid at all costs. I want my kids to trust me to always tell them the truth whatever the consequences. After all the hawk would have eaten it in the same way that most of us eat chicken, lamb etc.

Oh Laurie, what a horrible thing for your parents to say and do, whatever age you are.

And it's true about the trust thing, children grow up and reassess the understanding they had of things when they were younger so you have to deal with it at some point.

There was a thread a while ago about pets who'd gone to 'live on a farm', which although a little bit funny because of the way the stories in the posts were told, just showed how people can feel when they realise what really happened.

And for what it's worth, usually when a hawk gets something it's killed either by the impact, or quickly after before the hawk takes off again. I've seen a few wild rabbits taken and they aren't moving when the hawk takes off.

I'd say that a hawk had taken it because it had chicks and needed food. I would not say that the hawk killed it (of course, it did) unless they asked. Have your children ever eaten rabbit so they would know that rabbit is food?

My son and family had two cats (brothers). One was run over and killed and my grandsons were told just that. They didn't see the mangled remains though but they have seen other roadkill. It had been taken to the vet up the road and my daughter-in-law had to go and identify it as theirs. The remaining cat missed it for a while.

Sorry, I should have said that the boys were 8 and 3 at the time.

Fortunately, the hawk didn't manage to take her, as our dog must have heard something going on with her roomie, and dashed out barking her head off. Also, she was a big lump of a rabbit. We of course didn't realise what was happening till much too late.

There was fur on the grass (now removed) which was from her back and there is a small bloodied area on her neck, presumably from beak action. But I suspect she probably died from fright, as it doesn't take much to scare a rabbit to death.

Rule, we never eat rabbit no-I don't like it, and DD wouldn't eat rabbit due to the connotations of having a pet one.

I do feel terrible about it. I've seen the blessed hawk circling on other days during the holidays and have tried to keep her covered. Yesterday, with return to school and the emotion of that and the DC being v demanding on return I just forgot her :(

I don't think I would tell them about the hawk getting her, as I know that as DD watches lots of animal programmer, she would know full well what went on and would not get those pictures out of her head. I also don't want her feeling the guilt I have because she left the lid off her run...

:( :( :(

Such a toughie. My 3DS had three rabbits, now there is two (rabbits!) - which is why I was asking about the hawk! Ours are in an outside run too. One died of a virus recently (peacefully in my bed ), but the boys were all heartbroken. My eldest, who is 9, sobbed like he would never stop. It is just heartbreaking. How about telling her you found the rabbit dead in the cage in the morning - maybe it got a fright, you don't know anymore. It's not lying, it's just telling her the bits she needs to know.

Thanks all for the help.

Thankfully, all the children had been very neglectful the past few days, so we left it till this morning to tell them, so that they would be home for us to comfort them.

We just said that daddy had gone to fetch her in (last night, slight fib) and he found her dead, so had buried her. Thankfully no request for details.

Lots of tears, and on and off through the day the odd shiny eye and wobbly voice, but she is managing.

The boys don't really understand.

But thanks for the advice-the truth is the best :)