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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable?

59 replies

RandomUsername · 05/09/2012 11:36

This is a bit of a long story so im going to shorten it as best as i can.

5 months ago i had my second baby, put on 3 stone had have been incredibly insecure about my body ever since, i done an exercise dvd and started eating healthy and lost 2 stone, i still have a stone to lose and im struggling.

I mentioned a few times to my partner that id love to go to the gym, ive never been to one before, there isnt one in our town and i dont drive (yet)

Partner says he woud take me to his old gym sometime, that we would ''do it together'' that he ''supported me'' blah blah blah

Fast forward 5 months, still havent been able to get to the gym, mainly because i cant get there and also because i have nobody to look after the kids and also because my partner didnt want to go.

Then last week i get a text off him saying he was going to the gym. Now he's known for 5 months that ive wanted to go, but did he offer to take me? Nope. Went by himself and left me at home with the kids.

So i was really fucking upset, said to him ''i thought we where gonna do it together, i need the gym a hell of a lot more than you do'' etc

So he turns on me ''its not up to me to organize your life, if you wanted to go to the gym id look after the kids'' (how kind of him hey?) i said ''and how am i supposed to get there? On the fucking bus? Come back on the bus all sweaty?'' and he just kept saying it wasnt his problem!

Now, am i being unreasonable to be upset? He told me we would do it together, but he never needed the gym so didnt bother to help me out, but now because he wants to go he just fucks off and doesnt give a shit about me?

Probably sounds very petty but ive really struggled with my body since DS2 came along, nobody knows this more than my partner, he KNOWS that ive been dying to go to the gym and now he's going 3-4 times a week and telling me that i should ''sort myself out'' even though he told me ''we'll sort something out, dont worry''

OP posts:
Original poster
RandomUsername · 05/09/2012 12:17

Blackberry - he works shifts, so he either goes before he starts work at 2pm or when he's finished early shift at 2pm.

And i just want to say, i suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder, so walking into a gym on my own that ive never been to before is alot harder for me that it may be for others. ditto getting on the bus, i do it when i have to but avoid it if i can

OP posts:
DruAnderson · 05/09/2012 12:18

He isn't trying to derail her. And. She can't make him 'take turns' because he has offered. she just doesn't want to get the bus.

Original poster
RandomUsername · 05/09/2012 12:19

Thanks Clipped :)

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 05/09/2012 12:20

I dont think anyone is being harsh........I just dont think that OP should rely on her DH and then blame him for her not getting down the gym. People make all sorts of excuses for not getting fit (I used to work in a gym, I've heard them all) but sometimes all that is needed is a bit of a reality check.

Op - I can understand why you are fed up with DH but rather than going down the gym as a couple (and it will start working out really expensive if you use a creche) use it as some me time and just enjoy it.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/09/2012 12:22

Ok, so it sounds like part of the way you are feeling could be a little bit of jealousy that he has taken some time for himself when you haven't, or haven't felt able to.

Could that be it? I'm just guessing here.

Because it does sound unreasonable that you are upset that he went to the gym because you wanted to go too. If we were talking about a one off major event like a concert or something then it would be understandable that you were upset he went without you, but it's not. The gym isn't oing to go away.

If you have been talking about this for five months then how come you haven't done anything to sort it out? You say you wanted to find one with a crèche, but have you actually researched any or we're you expecting him to do it?

I think you need to work out exactly what it is you are upset about and address that, rather than taking your upset out on your husband when he hasn't really done anything wrong.

bobbledunk · 05/09/2012 12:22

You wouldn't have to go home all sweaty on the bus because all gyms have showers and most people use them after their workout! How far is the gym anyway? It would be better to walk or cycle if that's possible.

There should be nothing stopping him from dropping you off at the gym and taking the kids so why hasn't he done that? Or is it that you refuse to go without him? Really you need to get up and find yourself a gym which suits your needs, you can't expect him to do it for you. If you rely on him you'll be waiting forever. If you go together then that requires a babysitter which is silly, do it yourself, he should help by giving you lifts if you need them.

Alternatively you could invest in some home gym equipment like free weights, exercise bike, cross trainer, treadmill, rowing machine etc.. not all of them of course just a couple of your preferred ones!

DruAnderson · 05/09/2012 12:22

So the reason you won't get the bus isn't because you will be sweaty?

tryingtonotfeckup · 05/09/2012 12:22

Random, could there be another way to exercise, I find gyms can be intimidating, especially at first. Classes at halls / schools in the evenings, running, getting a personal trainer to come to your house? Are there any gyms near you that have creches? Why do you specifically want to go to the gym?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/09/2012 12:23

There's a major drip feed right there!

What I said still stands though. You need to take responsibility for yourself. It's one thing to expect support from your husband, it's another to expect him to do everything to fix all your problems and cater to your wants.

DruAnderson · 05/09/2012 12:27

Actually even with the drip feed yabu.
Who is you g to have the kids while you are both at the gym? To make an effect on your weight it need to be regular.
In fact, I might leave this thread now. A tip for future OP. Drip feeding gives this effect.
OP 'aibu'
General feeling 'yes yabu'
OP 'no I am not because I have xyz, so I can't be'

Generally people get bored/ don't believe it/ get annoyed.

Original poster
RandomUsername · 05/09/2012 12:33

I dont need to leave the thread at all thanks.

If the replies had upset/offended me then i would have already left, but they havent, im still here listening to everyones views.

I asked the question because i wanted answers

OP posts:
JustinBoobie · 05/09/2012 12:36

To be honest, it pisses me off when my DH has 'time' to do these things, where I just don't - I have got things to do ALL THE TIME.

And I find him boasting about the fact! GRRRR

If I go to the gym it puts me right out of kilter, and I end up more stressed than feeling better! You will find a way - and YANBU!!!

Catsdontcare · 05/09/2012 12:38

Sorry you're feeling upset it's a crap feeling knowing that your dh has the freedom to go do something without having to worry about the logistics of travel and child care. I suspect you feel a tad trapped and without options to just DO it without restrictions.

If I were you I would wait, pass your driving test and then join a nice gym with creche facilities that you can book into and go when it suits you. That's what I've done and it's fab being able to put the kids in the creche a couple of times a week and have some time to myself during the day.

I think if you rely on your dh to be your gym partner you won't achieve what you want and you will always be waiting around for him to feel like it bugger that take control for yourself and make it work the way you want.

NotGeoffVader · 05/09/2012 12:38

Sorry, only read half this thread so apologies if I am asking something that has already been asked.

You don't say what you do for a job, but I used to work in London, and there was a gym on every other street. I found it easy to get a 45 minute workout fitted in during my lunch break,two or three times a week. Not sure if that is something possible for you to do?

Otherwise could you join a dance class and go one evening? Depending on how old/how well your DC's sleep (I know one is a baby), DP could walk/drive you there and you could get the bus/get a lift home?

Catsdontcare · 05/09/2012 12:42

I think realistically at the moment if you need to rely on buses and other people for childcare you won't go. There is plenty you can do in the mean time. Before I joined the gym I used to go out for a walk and leave dh to put the dc's to bed. Time to myself, bit of excercise and no children to deal with when I got home!

Numberlock · 05/09/2012 12:44

Sorry but I'm reading a lot of excuses in your post as to why you can't go to the gym.

Stop putting it off and just do it. Or some other form of exercise. Walking with a pram is a great way to start!

Original poster
RandomUsername · 05/09/2012 12:52

Catsdontcare - nail hit right on the head. He can do whatever he wants, all he has to do is say ''im going to....'' and he goes. Me, i have to arrange who will have the kids, how i will get to somewhere, and yes i feel EXTREMELY trapped, especially since having my second, im here 24/7 with them apart from when im driving, he does what he likesv when he likes.

I think i resent him quite a bit.

NotGeoff - i dont work, i stay home with the kids.

OP posts:
tryingtonotfeckup · 05/09/2012 12:56

Random, buy a pair of trainers and a book on starting running, step out of the house and go. Its great, it doesn't require planning, it doesn't take a lot of time up (compared to getting to the gym, working out, changing, getting home etc), its cheap, DH can look after the kids whilst you get some me time.

I find it really helps my head, I'm a SAHM and a feel trapped at times. Running really helps me with this.

Numberlock · 05/09/2012 13:11

He can do whatever he wants, all he has to do is say ''im going to....'' and he goes. Me, i have to arrange who will have the kids, how i will get to somewhere, and yes i feel EXTREMELY trapped, especially since having my second, im here 24/7 with them apart from when im driving, he does what he likesv when he likes.

I think i resent him quite a bit.

This isn't about the gym then, is it. This is about a very unequal relationship and what you can do to get back more balance.

What would happen if you told him he will be looking after the kids tonight while you go for a run/walk?

Catsdontcare · 05/09/2012 13:11

Aw my love totally been there it is very hard with two little ones even with a supportive dh. Mine is supportive but there have been time over the past few years I have resented the hell out of him. Not really his fault as he does do his share it's just the sheer frustration of nothing being that bloody simple!

I really do think that once you have your license that will make a world of difference so don't settle for his crappy gym with no childcare now, hold off and join up to somewhere lovely with creche and cafe facilities (nothing wrong with putting little ones in creche for an hour and just sitting with a coffee and a newspaper you know!

It's nice to do things as a couple but you don't want to feel reliant on him to make it happen, you will still feel trapped because you will always know that you need his help or you can't go. Set this up for yourself independantly and I think you will feel a whole lot better.

I only joined the gym a few months ago and I've been loving it, especially as I can pick the kids up and take them swimming after my work out so feel that everyone is getting something out of it.

I think people are being a bit harsh here OP only had a baby 5 months ago.

Original poster
RandomUsername · 05/09/2012 13:25

If i told him ''im going out for a walk'' or whatever he would say either..

''are you taking the kids''

or

''do you have to, im knackered, ive been at work since 6am and to the gym''

Then id feel bad that he has to have the kids on his own after being at work since 6am.

OP posts:
Original poster
RandomUsername · 05/09/2012 13:25

I really just cant wait until i can drive

OP posts:
Numberlock · 05/09/2012 13:30

Then id feel bad that he has to have the kids on his own after being at work since 6am

Even though you're on-call 24/7 with a new baby?

I can't see how the problem will resolve itself when you can drive as he'll still expect you to take the kids with you as he's tired?

(Where's the world's smallest violin for him when we need it...)

The issue here is that you are (rightly) feeling resentful and not getting any donwtime due to his poor attitude. Do you ever get any child-free time with friends, family or on your own?

Catsdontcare · 05/09/2012 13:33

Then you say "Yes I do have too" and then you go. It's time for him to step up. An hour in the evening is not asking alot.

gracefulannie · 05/09/2012 14:19

YANBU.

Well done on the weight you've lost so far. But it doesn't sound like the gym thing is going to work at the moment. In the meantime, I agree with some of the others that running might be a good idea. I found "Run Fat Bitch Run" by Ruth Field really useful. (get past the title!) She's a mum and a runner and her book is really straightforward and 'real'. Worth a go.

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