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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To propose this access arrangement?

48 replies

DeckSwabber · 04/09/2012 22:20

Ex-P usually has our 3 children to stay every other Saturday - late Sunday afternoon. He doesn't see them midweek. He is married with no other children.

Thing is, two eldest are now in important exam years (A levels and GCSEs) and when they are at his place they are pretty cramped (they share a very small bedroom) and they don't get any school work done (which is fine as they want to make the most of seeing their Dad). Oldest one often doesn't go these days anyway because he has other things to do.

I would like to suggest that the children go on different nights during term time so that they get more out of their visit, they get some quiet time at home, and I get some 1:1 time with them. Just to be clear, I am not suggesting he sees them any less, just that he has them spread out over more than one night a fortnight - either one or two children would be with him most Saturday evenings and maybe the odd Friday. If he had a special outing/occasion planned they would of course all go together.

My ex and I really do not get on at all so I want to get some feedback before I make the suggestion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 04/09/2012 22:23

Your ex can't dictate to his teenagers when they go over, they're old enough to make their own arrangements. Once they hit about 14, it's up to the child as to when and how they see the other parent.

WorraLiberty · 04/09/2012 22:29

Exactly what hidden said

Why do you want to change things? Confused

If the kids want to change anything about their arrangement then let them get on with it.

Why would they want to do school work during the tiny bit of time they spend with their Dad anyway?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 04/09/2012 22:32

two eldest are now in important exam years (A levels and GCSEs)

So they are 15/16/17/18? At this time they will want to do peer group things. They will start to manage their own time. You've said your eldest doesnt see Dad much these days anyway.

I have to say 1 day in 14 is not what I would hope a NRP would accept as appropriate time with children though. On the assumption he is in reasonable proximity, 14-18yo's can now make their own arrangements to drop in for tea/chat/visit - as your eldest has done

TBH, the children should now be making their own arrangements. I also dont see what an NRP and his children would get out of 14-18yos up in a bedroom studying?

Doesn't seem like much time there to have a relationship IYSWIM

Sorry, round the houses - let them make their own arrangements

Original poster
DeckSwabber · 05/09/2012 07:32

I thought I'd made it clear in my OP that I don't expect them to study while at their Dad's - they see little enough of him! But even if they wanted to there is no space there.

My point is that his time with three children at a fairly crucial time in their lives is squeezed into a few hours each fortnight. I thought it might work out better for him to have the children on different nights some of the time so that they have a bit more 'space'.

I agree they are old enough to make their own minds up but while the oldest tends to make his own arrangements this usually means cutting visits short or missing his 'Dad' weekends altogether, while the younger two tend to stick with what Dad proposes. We get an excel spreadsheet sent through with the dates marked in for up to a year in advance, and the boys are never invited over or visited outside of these times. The boys are able to get there themselves by public transport but they don't have keys to his house.

I would like to move to a more flexible arrangement, but knowing my children they will wait to be invited by their Dad before changing anything.

In the past my ex-P has been very resistant to having them more often and has substantially reduced the amount he sees them in the school holidays since he got married. On the other hand he gets annoyed if I ask to change a weekend or keep a date free for a family occasion. My concern (which admittedly may be unfounded) is that he will see any change in the plan as a threat to his child free weekends.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/09/2012 07:37

It really should be upto them now, to decide when they want to see him. If they are not welcome to just pop in or call to arrange to see him, then that is pretty shite to be honest, and they are old enough to realise he is simply fulfilling his "duties" by seeing them once a fortnight.

Tommy · 05/09/2012 07:41

can you suggest to the children that they talk to their Dad about more flexible arrangements? Maybe they don't realise that they are "allowed" to do that. I agree with the others that at their age, they should be able to pop in when they like.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 07:44

"Your ex can't dictate to his teenagers when they go over, they're old enough to make their own arrangements. Once they hit about 14, it's up to the child as to when and how they see the other parent."

No it's not up to the child to dictate his/her terms! Shock

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 07:45

OP - what you suggest is perfectly reasonable and understandable. Have you talked it all through with your DCs?

Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 05/09/2012 07:53

I think the first thing you should do OP, is talk to your dcs about their feelings on this.

Your ex sounds lovely btw - father of the year indeed Hmm I don't think I could prevent myself asking why his children can't have keys to his home. Angry

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 07:58

At that age I'd be making my own arrangements to see my dad, not exactly 'children' at a level age. There'd be no set times.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:03

Why no set times? Adults have lives full of set times, as do DCs. It is inconvenient to have ad hoc arrangements.

Original poster
DeckSwabber · 05/09/2012 08:05

Northernlurker, he is a treasure!

I have asked for the children to have their own keys on many, many occasions. I am always told 'yes'. It never happens.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:06

I'm not sure why DCs should have keys to a home they do not live in. The OP's exP's wife might that very intrusive, and rightly so.

Original poster
DeckSwabber · 05/09/2012 08:10

Really, Bonsoir? He's their Dad. She's their Stepmother. If she didn't realise that marrying a man with dependent children would mean that there are sometimes children around she should have thought a bit harder.

OP posts:
GhostShip · 05/09/2012 08:13

Why at the age of 17/18 should they have to follow a regime to see their dad? Its understandable when theyre younger because theyre more dependant. But when theyre older? They should be able to drop in when it's convenient for both sides.

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 08:15

I'm 20 and see my stepdad and mum (who aren't together) whenever I have spare time so I just drop in. Theyre happy to see me whenever, as any normal parent would be. Dont understand why one wouldn't.

wonderingagain · 05/09/2012 08:25

DANNY. I thinkyour idea makes perfect sense. I am sure all the children would benefit from having one to one time with their dad. Particularly as it is just during term time. It is a sensible solution IMO, as long as dcs agree.

wonderingagain · 05/09/2012 08:26

YANBU NOT DANNY... !

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:26

No, the children in the OP do not live with their father and stepmother and there is no need for them to have the right to visit his home when they please and to have keys to it.

It would, in the circumstances, be a gross imposition on the stepmother's personal space. Imagine living in a house where children do not normally live but never knowing when they might pitch up for an hour or two/a meal/a night. That is unworkable.

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 08:33

Maybe in your world bonsoir. I'm glad my parents are just that, parents an happy to see me and welcome me at any time. The stepmother shouldn't even come into this.

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 08:34

And the children have no need? I'd be sincerely pissed off if I had to have an invitation or an arrangement if I wanted to see my parent. Almost like having to make an appointment...

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:36

It is the stepmother's home (and presumably her only one). Her feelings are of utmost importance.

The DCs in the OP have a home, with their mother.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:38

The stepmother may quite possibly have paid for her home herself. Why should teens who don't live there be free to swan in and out?

MrsHoarder · 05/09/2012 08:38

Its also part of being a parent: making your children feel welcome at any/all times. Surely his children should feel able to call their dad's house home?

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:39

No, when parents do not live together not only do they not have to keep open house for their DCs at all times, but it is highly destructive for the DCs if they do so. Parents, not DCs, should call the shots in a family.

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