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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To propose this access arrangement?

48 replies

DeckSwabber · 04/09/2012 22:20

Ex-P usually has our 3 children to stay every other Saturday - late Sunday afternoon. He doesn't see them midweek. He is married with no other children.

Thing is, two eldest are now in important exam years (A levels and GCSEs) and when they are at his place they are pretty cramped (they share a very small bedroom) and they don't get any school work done (which is fine as they want to make the most of seeing their Dad). Oldest one often doesn't go these days anyway because he has other things to do.

I would like to suggest that the children go on different nights during term time so that they get more out of their visit, they get some quiet time at home, and I get some 1:1 time with them. Just to be clear, I am not suggesting he sees them any less, just that he has them spread out over more than one night a fortnight - either one or two children would be with him most Saturday evenings and maybe the odd Friday. If he had a special outing/occasion planned they would of course all go together.

My ex and I really do not get on at all so I want to get some feedback before I make the suggestion. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Moominsarescary · 05/09/2012 08:40

I'd speak to the children, your ex doesn't sound all that interested in his children. They might not want to go separately, unless he spends time with them while they are there they may find it boring to go on their own.

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 08:40

The stepmother has no right to call herself that then in what you're saying Bonsoir. More like owner of the house they are not allowed to enter without appointment....

5madthings · 05/09/2012 08:42

well as long as the children called/txt and made arrangements i dont see that it should be a problem. i know of a few teens who have somilar arrangements with their nrp. at this age they are making their own arrangements. its nit children dictating the terms its a young adult and a parent working out what works.

and yes they should have a key it shoukd be their home as well. tho from the sounds of it this man is not much if a father anyway. and i agree that if you have a relationship with and get martied to someone eith children they co.e as part of the package. with teens that means arrangements changing and being a bit more flexible.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:43

She is a stepmother, since she is married to the children's father.

Honestly, the poor OP. She makes a reasonable suggestion about staggering her DCs' visits to their father and she gets a diatribe about how unreasonable her exH is to not let his DCs come and go from his house exactly as they please.

Moominsarescary · 05/09/2012 08:44

Distructive? Why? The dc are older, my eldest is 17 now so for the last few years he's rang him to arrange times that are convenient for both of them, can't see what's so distrustive about that.

I also think they should keep an open house, regardless of who they live with they are still your children and should know they are welcome.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:45

Destructive because the adults are not keeping firm boundaries as a role model for the DCs. DCs grow up with a massive sense of entitlement to other people's space/time/belongings. Bad news.

porcamiseria · 05/09/2012 08:45

hmmm

Its a bit of a tricky one

OP why not discuss with your kids and see what they want??? I really cant see that a weekend once a fortnight will disturb their revsion really?

Bonsoir, you are sounding a tad wicked stepmother here! you take on a man, you take on his kids IMO

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 08:48

Bonsoir sorry but your last comment is a load of crap, it's laughable. They'll grow up entitled just because they can see their parents when the wish? Ha!

Moominsarescary · 05/09/2012 08:52

There 15 - 17 for goodness sake not 3! They don't need firm boundaries of when to see their own father at that age

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:53

No, becoming a stepmother doesn't make you liable to having your personal boundaries ignored.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:54

It's not crap - it's one of the reasons why so many DCs with separated/divorced parents have a lot of difficulty with relationships in adult life. They haven't learned about boundaries.

porcamiseria · 05/09/2012 08:56

the idea of a child not being able to see their parent becuase "step parent does not allow it tonight, she has XXXX on" really saddens me

that said, OPs EXDH sounds like a bit of a wanker anyway, so step aside he likely would not want to see them

sad

Moominsarescary · 05/09/2012 08:58

Don't know where half my message went then

Actually they don't need firm boundaries of when to see their father at any age. When they are young they need the stability of knowing where they are staying when but not boundaries

GhostShip · 05/09/2012 08:58

And you have this information from where?

My entire family has the 'open house' attitude, we have no difficulty with relationships, are aware of our boundaries and other people, and are most definitely not entitled!

You're saying stuff that you think makes sense, but it just isn't true.

Don't you think it's more damaging to someone to have to make an appointment to see their father? Like they're not really wanted?

LeggyBlondeNE · 05/09/2012 08:58

Gosh Bonsoir! The main thing I learned about my stepmother's attitude to everything being done her way in 'her' house (it had been my family home before the divorce) and her rules/boundaries followed was that ultimately I wasn't important enough to my dad for him to make more time for me, and that she wasn't a very nice person.

When I finally refused to stay under 'her' roof, and saw my dad on ad hoc evenings for dinner, films etc all our relationships massively improved and frankly I've learned how important negotiation and give and take are, not to be an entitled brat.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:59

It's not about stepmother not allowing it, it's about having regular times with DSCs so that you can also have regular times without them to do your own thing and everybody knowing what's what so there is no confusion.

My DSCs are resident with us (they have two homes, though DP is the primary parent) and have keys etc and pop in and out. But that is an entirely different situation to the one in the OP.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 09:03

LeggyBlondeNE - my DSSs have a similar situation to the one you had - their mother's partner lives in the home that DP and their mother bought together when the boys were tiny. The DSSs hate their mother's partner telling them what to do in what they regard as their own space.

DP and I both think that it would have been a lot kinder and easier on everyone to have moved to a new home entirely.

Original poster

DeckSwabber · 05/09/2012 19:18

I suppose the way I look at it is that having their own keys would give them more flexibility, and would be useful in an emergency, but above all would give the message that they are welcome and they have a 'home' with ther Dad and Stepmother.

I really don't think it would be an open invitation to pop over all the time without warning or regard for anyone else's personal space. I have keys to several other peoples houses but I don't just let myself in any time.

OP posts:

Original poster

DeckSwabber · 08/09/2012 09:30

Well, quick update. Apparantly I am being v v unreasonable.

Emailed my ex to say I was going to talk to the children about their visits, asking him to provide more information about his availabilty so that I could go to the boys with some ideas. Explained about GCSEs and A-levels.

There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing with him offering no ideas or support and not asking me anything about what I had in mind. I should explain that I prefer not to make too many suggestions - last time I suggested he helped out a bit more when the kids were off school in the summer he told me I was mad. He quite often tells me I am mad.

I did say that the Easter break might be problematic because of revision (he wants to have them for a week) and that perhaps he could just have the younger one that week and keep the arrangement flexible for the others. He said 'fine' but nothing else. I got a bit annoyed and said I didn't think he was being supportive. I admit that this message was unwise and I do sound snitty. His reply was a torrent of abuse and he's threatening to take me to court. This is ludicrous - I am not stopping him seeing the boys - quite the opposite. In fact he is seeing them this afternoon.

Ho hum.

OP posts:

Shakirasma · 08/09/2012 10:01

He threatened to go to court over access to 15 + year olds?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Let him waste his time.

How old is your youngest? My DD is 14 and I now have no contact with her dad at all, she sorts it all out with him herself.

Original poster

DeckSwabber · 08/09/2012 10:21

He won't go to court. I think he just likes to make out I'm being difficult so that he can justify his lack of involvement.

Youngest is 13.

I really wish he would go to a solicitor. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he gets told a few home truths. But he won't. Its all air.

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 08/09/2012 11:17

Sorry OP, but your ex is a total git, anyone who doesn't have a open door policy for their own children is a shit parent, unconditional love is what a child should get from both parents, support and acceptance at all times.

What would he do if you were a horrible person or had issues that meant you were not coping and all of his children wanted to escape,or needed to and come and live with him?

Just tell your children to do as they please, if they want to see him, see him, if they don't ,don't, but make sure they know that their father should make more of an effort with them, and that it not OK for him to reluctant to not have an open door policy with them, as for his wife if you marry someone who has children you should take them on as part of the package you are signing up to.

wonderingagain · 10/09/2012 09:54

I think you are being vvv reasonable.

You may not get what you want, but at least you are trying to do what's best in the interests of your children, as opposed to what he is doing - what's best in the interests of maintaining power over you.

Arse.

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