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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me be perfect

43 replies

JazzAnnNonMouse · 04/09/2012 09:05

Or am I taking on too much?

Moving house - new house needs renovating and will do this in spare (ha!) time.

Going back to uni - switching courses to education studies.

Finding childcare - needs to be on the way to the bus to uni and subsequently on the way to uni by car from new house.

Passing driving test - husband works in the day so I can only have lessons in the evenings or weekends.

Starting a new part time job - 3 evenings a week.

Looking after 1 year old - running out of ideas for things to do with her and things I can think of are more suitable for older children.

Craft work - I am trying to complete a patchwork quilt for my mil. I am also doing scrapbooking - I don't want to give these up as these are my hobbies.

Maintaining a clean and tidy home - ha!

Food - would like to make own bread for yumminess and money reasons.

Any tips on some or all of the above and is it all doable?

OP posts:
RuleBritannia · 04/09/2012 09:08

Write down all these things in priority order. Remove the bottom two (or put them on hold at least). Concentrate on them by sorting out the number 1. When that is dealt with do number 2 etc. Don't look at the situation as one huge block of things to do. Do them one at a time in little bits.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 04/09/2012 09:10

Also I think I meant this to be in chat!

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 04/09/2012 09:11

YABU - nobody's perfect. Hobbies and renovating don't go hand in hand. Renovating can't be done in spare time if you have none. Proritise but I think you are taking on too much.

oreocrumbs · 04/09/2012 09:13

Don't be a jack of all trades master of none!

Which one is most pressing? The house or uni perhaps? - Focus on that. Do one thing at a time, properly and well. That way perfection lies. Try and do it all together and you will most likely crack up, and start cutting corners etc.

Renovating a house is not a part time hobby! Get thee over to property and diy on here and have a chat with the lovely ladies in there! Some still even still have their sanity!

Hopeforever · 04/09/2012 09:16

Sorry, this may sound rather harsh, but I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself is this really how you want your life to be when you have a 1 year old. When you look back in 10 years time will you think "why did I do that?"

I fully accept that you may well need to work part time to fund everything and to go to uni. But running 2 homes, learning to drive and having a hobbyislands like 2 things too much as well as being a mum.

Can you let some of the cleaning where you live now go? Could you DP do more? How much really needs to be done before you move and how much could wait? Could you have driving lessons from Uni and leave your baby for an extra hour in nursery?

I really feel for you, but please don't put the pressure on yourself to be perfect

Hopeforever · 04/09/2012 09:17

Hobbyislands! Hobby sounds is what it should read!

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 04/09/2012 09:18

The thing is I need the job to help with finances an ill need it even more when dh goes back to uni. I can go back to uni next sept instead and do the house this year but...
I forgot to mention having another baby (ttc)

OP posts:
Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 04/09/2012 09:19

And if we have another baby i probably wouldn't go back to uni next sept

OP posts:
Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 04/09/2012 09:22

Dh is great but I don't like him to do too much as I feel I should at the moment as I'm the one at home and havnt gone back
To uni or anything yet. Also he had a brain tumour earlier this year so I don't want him taking on too much either Sad

OP posts:
oreocrumbs · 04/09/2012 09:24

That is an awful lot to pile on yourself.

Which is most important to you? And what is necessary? Work from there and start with them. I don't think many people can do your full list. I certainly couldn't.

DoMeDon · 04/09/2012 09:26

He had a brain tumour earlier this year? Take a step back OP. Time for enjoying what you have and doing what you HAVE to do, job, renovation, mummying - hobbies, driving, even ttc, can all wait. Be kinder to yourselves emotionally - it's a lot of pressure you're heaping on there.

surroundedbyblondes · 04/09/2012 09:32

I'd be careful about how much you take on with the house. Earning a living and taking care of your DC are the most important, as you know of course! In my experience that's hard work as it is. Having your living arrangements upside down, with temporary bathroom or cooking facilities, and no comfortable place to sit down and relax after a hard day could well make everything much more stressful. I like my home to be a bit of a nest/sanctuary. Not in a poncey way, but somewhere I can come back and just be, without feeling stressed about the next thing I have to get done. Can you take your time over the renovation, or are the things on there absolutely necessary?

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 04/09/2012 09:35

I know some things can wait but I feel like I'm going to be judged as inadequate on some part if I don't do these things.

If I don't go back to uni I will have wasted a year (time and money) and will also not get a degree which is a big thing as most of my friends are at uni and I'm the first in the family to do a degree so they're v proud of me and I don't want to let anyone down.

I really really want another baby and the age gap is what we wanted.

I need to have this job in order to not rely on student finance and benefits which after people making comments when dh was receiving sick pay because he was in hospital is something I really don't want.

I don't want to have to rely on anyone and want to do the best I can in everything but don't want to disappoint anyone Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 04/09/2012 09:36

We can take our time but we're buying our first house so it's brilliant but not up to the standard I would like. Maybe my standards are too high!

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 04/09/2012 09:39

I think time would be better spent learning that you and what you do are OK. You cannot please others, better to be happy with your choices. If you conceive you will defer, if you go you will be hard pushed to have baby and study, already something has gotta give in your plans. The age gap is an 'ideal' not a necessity. Worry about yourself a LOT more, then your DH and DD. Everyone and everything else MUST wait

DoMeDon · 04/09/2012 09:40

Swap standards (horrible word in terms of life) for expectations. You expect too much of yourself and others. That sounds harsh but I really want to sound supportive Confused

Hopeforever · 04/09/2012 09:42

Jazz, I've just seen on another thread you want a bread maker.

Please, please, please take a step back.

You are you, you are the mum of your baby, you are your DH's wife but most importantly you are YOU. You are OK just being you. You don't need to prove anything. You don't need to listen to those who complain about taking money from the government. You don't need a degree to be a better person.

You have a whole life ahead of you to achieve a degree, a wonderful home and home made bread. You don't need to do it all today

But you do need to stop and enjoy today and do the same tomorrow.

No one can tell you when to have your next child. That is a totally personal decision. But please don't pressure yourself

hippoCritt · 04/09/2012 09:43

I would say not to rust into decorating your new house, break it down into priorities, taking your time will ensure you get it right too. I recall your thread when your DH was first ill, spending sometime together is more important than other things on the list, don't try to be perfect re clean and tidy home, clean yes but tidy is just stressful with a 1 year old, enjoy her mess!

oranges · 04/09/2012 09:45

don't have the second baby till you've completed your degree! The age gap you want is way too small for all the other stuff you have going on in your life.

Gentleness · 04/09/2012 09:46

Don't get yourself into a tail spin.

For some of us, an onset of depression (include pnd in this) is heralded by a slightly manic, I-can-do-anything phase and an inability to be realistic about what is achievable. Just watch yourself, and warn dh to at least help you prioritise and plan. Bit worried really.

BandersnatchCummerbund · 04/09/2012 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorkyButNice · 04/09/2012 09:49

The perfect man is the one who recognises his imperfections.

Nobody is perfect - striving for perfection in life is a recipe for disaster, especially when you have a young family and a recently sick husband to be spending time with.

I would put your list in some kind of order, delegate the big jobs to professionals if you can afford some help, and just enjoy your family.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 04/09/2012 09:56

You're all a bit too nice

Thankyou for your kind words of wisdom - I guess I feel that I have to do it all because if I don't I never will and i don't know how to prioritise apart from being a mum and wife as most important. I really want another baby too.
What comes 1st house or uni or driving or work? Thing is they're all interlinked and some can't exist without the other!

OP posts:
froggies · 04/09/2012 09:59

As others have said, take a step back, breathe, and prioritise.
I have been in similar situation for last couple of years (renovating house, part time at college, not learning to drive but have long commute, self employed childminder, 3 kids of my own, make quilts for extra cash, have a bread maker!, but I am a single Mum)

Things I have let go.... My vegetable garden, now sadly a weed patch.
My piano lessons and practice
Voluntary work I did at school
Tidy house -ha, 6 kids when I am fully booked, 3 cats, a dog and chickens will NEVER make a tidy house.

The big difference I have is that i do not have to make time for a partner as well, all of the things on your list can be done, but don't expect any of it to be done quickly, and don't expect to be perfect, make the most of the time you have with your little ones, while they are little, and spend time with your partner. The rest will come in bits and pieces over time, don't rush at it, as you will just end up an emotional mess (trust me on this!).

nilbyname · 04/09/2012 09:59

a new baby/house renovations and being a student. 3 big things and I would say you can realistically only do one of them.

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