To be VERY annoyed at a comment my DM made?

[MannyFagnet48]

Me and DH are moving quite close to my DM, He has a job and I am starting university.

The move is over 200 miles and 3 days before my DH starts his new job/I start university.

My DM is going to have my DS 4 days a week for about 4 hours so I can do some uni work.

She rang me today saying that she can't wait to have DS over for a 'sleepover' I told her that it wouldn't be for a while yet as I do not feel comfortable with leaving my DS for the night and she will see him nearly everyday anyway (Babysitting and visits)

My DS is 11 months old and I have not left his side, only once for 4 hours. I feel sick at the thought of leaving him for the night.

My DM and DF also smoke in the house (I have no problem with smoking) but I would not feel comfortable to leave my DS for the night.

Well my DM told me 'Dont turn into one of these mothers that never wants to share their children with the grandparents/don't let them get to know their grandparents'

My DM sees my DS more than anyone does as she always comes down to visit and we spend most of the time with her and only a little time with my DH's family.

Considering how often she is going to see/have my DS
AIBU to not want him away for me for the night for at least another year or two or three?

"it's his grandmother who still hasn't had him over night nearly a year after he is born. "

My kids never stayed overnight with GPs-I didn´t realise that it was compulsory.

Children do not need sleepovers in order to have close loving relationships with people. Your dm is being unreaSonable to suggest that it is necessary. Your logic over the smoking is odd though it is just as harmful during the day as at night.

Proud I speak from the viewpoint of someone who chose to work from home when DD was born. As you say, differing positions (neither right nor wrong, and I bet there's no difference in how confident our children are either, regardless of our choices)

When she did stay at her GMs house she was fine, went to bed, slept all night, came home unimpressed with new DS - I knew she would be. She's a very independent girl so I've no fear that she'll be clingy or think the world is scary without me there! I've just seen no need for her to stay over before or since, and nor has DH. She has brilliant relationships with her GPs without sleeping over without us there.

I didn't stay at my GPs without my mum as a child, so it's not the norm for my family. DH stayed at his most weekends as his parents worked, yet he still agrees DD should be at home unless it's absolutely necessary.

Okay obviously i wasn't as clear as i should have been, My DM cannot go half an hour without a fag. I do not mind the smoking but i DO NOT want her smoking in the house while DS is in her care. So she can smoke in her garden then wash her hands etc but i do not want any smoking in the house.

I KNOW the risks of SIDS i am very aware of this and thats why i would feel very uncomfortable knowing that DM has smoked in the house before my DS arrives and he would be sleeping in the same room as her after she has just finished smoking.

I would feel uncomfortable leaving DS with her overnight even if she didnt smoke at all, I do not feel ready to leave him, He has been with me 24/7 apart from 4 hours.

I did not ask DM to have him 4 days a week, I was arranging childcare for him and she said please let me have him so i agreed, She would be VERY upset with me if i took him to childcare when she could have him.

God you are spoilt rotten getting all that childcare, we have no such support. I know it comes with a price but the other end of the spectrum, no babysitting, isn't easy either.

YABU.

Spoilt rotten? OP is fortunate to have family that help. You are unfortunate. It is 'normal' for family to want to spend time with the DC of that family though.

Just because the OP is fortunate to have family look after her DC does not mean that she has to put up with her DS being around cigarette smoke or be pushed into overnights before she feels comfortable.

OP - if she can't go half an hour without a fag, who's going to be watching your DS when she's outside?

There are some weird ideas on here. Let the child sleep over as it will build confidence? Really? In a baby who is less than 1? They barely recognise that they are even separate from their mothers much before then, let alone realise that they can cope without her or need to independent. If you have to leave your child for any reason that is OK, the child will be OK with anybody who will care for them but to say that you should do it because it somehow 'builds confidence' is rubbish.

I don't get the obsession in our society with trying to make children independent when they are still babies. Why? They should be able to rely on people, primarily their parents and then other carers but there is not need from the child's point of view to let them have a sleep over because it is somehow good for them, nor is it wrong that a parent hasn't left their baby for more than a few hours. We shouldn't be handing them out like a prize for good work like the GM seems to think and if the OP and her child aren't ready for that, it totally understandable and totally normal and not in any way wrong or bad for the child or his mother.

YABU and she has a point imo.

Your mother's house will be full and reeking of smoke. It is a grim environment for a baby to be in, whether your mother goes into the garden every half an hour and washes her hands or not. Who is going to be looking after your baby for those 5 minutes every 25 minutes? Or will she be smoking all over him only outside so that's ok?

Find some childcare where your son won't be in an unhealthy environment all day and you won't have to worry about the staff hassling you for overnighters. What is best for your son is what you should be thinking of here, not how upset your mum will be and how you will have to face it.

"'Dont turn into one of these mothers that never wants to share their children with the grandparents/don't let them get to know their grandparents'"

I think that is a ridiculous thing to say if she is to have your son for 4days a week at 4hrs a time.

But for me, with the smoking, it´s free childcare that I´d rather not have.

"She would be VERY upset with me if i took him to childcare when she could have him. -"

So?

It´s up to you who looks after your child.

Perhaps a compromise of two days with her, 2 with a childminder?

Christ, it's not like the OP is being precious about MIL giving her PFB fish fingers or something, don't get the posters who are saying the smoking isn't a big deal and you should just suck it up because you're so lucky to have family to look after your DS.

If your MIL can't stop smoking in the house all together, I'd be looking for alternative childcare.

I spent very little time away from my babies until they were over 11 months. I can report that having a Mummy around most of the time, and every night did not make them "velcro babies?. They seem to have naturally developed into happyy, confident toddlers without me needing to organise more time away.

As regards the smoking- it is not an optimal environment, and I would be more worried about SIDS while sleeping in a smoky atmosphere than I would be about SIDS while sleeping in a smoke-free atmosphere after playing in a smokey atmosphere earlier in the day. I don't know if the research actually supports that fear, so in your place I would be googling.

YANBU for all the reasons you and others have stated

YANBU about the smoking, I do think you are being unfair to use her for free child care but not let her have a sleep onve

"I do think you are being unfair to use her for free child care but not let her have a sleep onve "

Why?

Presumably the GM wants to look after the GC?

So you could ask who is doing the favour for whom?

Can I ask why grandparents want sleep overs? I don't have children yet, so I have not encountered this, but to me it seems really unappealing from both sides? The grandparents will have a child out of its nightly routine, who may be a bit stressed and wanting mummy/daddy, may wake crying in the night, and the child is asleep so you aren't actually spending time with them! As for the parents, you are away from your very young child, you are probably a bit worried and missing them, etc.

Why would you do this? And why are some posters implying that grandparents are entitled to a sleepover? OP is happy to pay for childcare, but her mother has requested the child, and so will already be spending loads of time with him.

I don't understand!

Why is a sleep over such a treat (for the adults)? I don't understand that. Surely during the day when they're actually awake is much more fun.

Exactly Piaviaso. I can see why if parents are going to a wedding or for a hospital visit etc, but otherwise I want my chidlren to be with me.

I think the smoking issue has slightly derailed this thread and to be honest that's something you need to decide for yourself. I think I would be prepared to leave my kids with a smoker as long as they smoked outside, washed their hands afterwards and wore an outer layer of clothing which could then be removed.

But on the main issue YANBU to not want to leave your baby overnight at such a young age. It's entirely your choice and your mum shouldn't be pressurising you. I agree that actually she is getting more quality time by having your baby in the day than she would overnight so don't see she has cause to complain really.

I am surprised how this thread has gone and agree with those who say MN is on it's head at the moment.

I have never understood the notion of grandparents insisting on having their grandchildren for sleepovers. It NEVER happened in my family so I suppose that's why I consider it so, frankly, weird. I can imagine offering it to give the parents a break if they are sleep-deprived/going to an event, but I cannot fathom why you'd want to do it for your own pleasure.

At 11 months both my DSs were finally settling down to a decent sleep routine but it had been 11 months of hard work and it still wasn't guaranteed every night that they would go to bed easily. Handing over the child to somebody else would probably have wrecked all that hard work. I wouldn't have wanted to risk it.

Besides, a child that won't settle isn't much fun for the grandparent either and if the child does settle and sleep through, where is the fun in having them at all. What are you going to do with this 'special' time? Sit up all night watching them?

I would be interested to know if the OP had a great relationship with her grandparents and went for sleep overs with them as a child. I am beginning to think that the OP's mother is being a bit controlling.

Hi sorry if this suggestion has been made (did not get time to read all the posts) but if your mother wants a sleepover is it poss. for you to stay over too? that way you are not separated from baby and Grandma gets to spend night with baby.

Also agree with those posting about the dangers of smoking. Is it poss to mix your childcare so that it minimises time spent in a house with a smokey environment e.g. few days at a nursery and one or two afternoons with DM? If DM is that keen to have grandchild over it would be nice that your rules are respected - it is medically proved to be better for baby not to be in a "smokey" environment.

Finally, disagree intensely with those saying that being upset by being separated from baby is being unreasonable. Yes some children stay overnight without Mum due to holidays/divorce/work travel etc which is natural for them, however for other Mums it is almost as unnatural to have that situation. Personally I would hate to be separated from baby even for 1 night - not unreasonable - at all. Every family is different and every Mum has a different relationship with baby - OP do what is right for you, if you are not happy for baby to be away from you for the night then it is not an option you should be forced into by emotional blackmail.

I hope you have a Plan B for childcare, red flags all over the place.