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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be VERY annoyed at a comment my DM made?

75 replies

MannyFagnet48 · 03/09/2012 20:01

Me and DH are moving quite close to my DM, He has a job and I am starting university.

The move is over 200 miles and 3 days before my DH starts his new job/I start university.

My DM is going to have my DS 4 days a week for about 4 hours so I can do some uni work.

She rang me today saying that she can't wait to have DS over for a 'sleepover' I told her that it wouldn't be for a while yet as I do not feel comfortable with leaving my DS for the night and she will see him nearly everyday anyway (Babysitting and visits)

My DS is 11 months old and I have not left his side, only once for 4 hours. I feel sick at the thought of leaving him for the night.

My DM and DF also smoke in the house (I have no problem with smoking) but I would not feel comfortable to leave my DS for the night.

Well my DM told me 'Dont turn into one of these mothers that never wants to share their children with the grandparents/don't let them get to know their grandparents'

My DM sees my DS more than anyone does as she always comes down to visit and we spend most of the time with her and only a little time with my DH's family.

Considering how often she is going to see/have my DS
AIBU to not want him away for me for the night for at least another year or two or three?

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 03/09/2012 23:03

Proud I'd not left 2yo DD for more than a couple of hours until I went into labour with DS. I hate being away from her.

It's not that unusual. What you did suited you, and that's great, but it doesn't suit everyone.

BigBoobiedBertha · 03/09/2012 23:06

The smoking isn't great obviously. I hate smoking so I wouldn't be happy but I don't think the staying overnight thing is particularly related to the smoking, just using it as an excuse, and a good one for not sending DS overnight.

Why would a 11 moth old need to stay overnight with somebody else unless his parents had to do something and needed the help? I wouldn't be sending my DC to stay with anybody at that age. Too young.

As you say she will see him a lot during the day. I don't get why she thinks helping you out during the day means that she has the right to have him overnight. If you aren't happy to leave him overnight, and there is a big difference between somebody watching him during the day and somebody having over night imo, then don't do it. He isn't a prize to be handed over as a thank you for the help. If your mother can't give the help freely then maybe she shouldn't be giving it at all and you should get other childcare and only see your mother at normal family visits. It is clearly ludicrous that she reckons you are stopping her getting to know him. What is she going to be doing with him for 4 hours a day, 4 days a week, if it isn't getting to know him?!!

YANBU.

CaliforniaLeaving · 03/09/2012 23:09

I'd say what the OP's Mum said was one of those things that my Mum says that I usually just smile at to not start an argument.
Mine said I can't wait for you to move close I'll take Dd with me on holiday to see your sister. I went Mmmm and bit my tongue and will deal with it when it comes up for real.
If she brings it up again, maybe say the move was huge and you want to settle in properly with a routine (4 days a week at grandmas and home every night) and once things seem more normal for the baby then you can look at an overnight.
By Christmas there will be parties to go to so maybe then you will be more willing to let him stay over.

mercibucket · 03/09/2012 23:10

I'd feel the same, just because you've decide to use childcare a few hours during the day, or even all day, doesn't mean you have to let them do sleepovers til you're ready and they're ready. We didn't leave any overnight til they were at least 3

mercibucket · 03/09/2012 23:10

StellaNova · 03/09/2012 23:10

DS2 had his first sleepover with GPs last month, he is 2 1/2. DS1 was about to turn two when he had his. I certainly wouldn't have left either of them for the night at 11 months; I was still breast feeding, they were both appalling sleepers and it would be as much for the sake of the person I left them with as them and/or me that I didn't do it.

It all depends on the parents and the child I think. I don't feel I was an overly anxious parent - not the second time round anyway. . So in conclusion YANBU.

StellaNova · 03/09/2012 23:12

And just to add DM does one day a week childcare, and never felt we were depriving her with no sleepovers! She and DF were always welcome to stay over night here, and in fact lived with us for a few months so hardly never got to know their grandchildren.

DruAnderson · 04/09/2012 06:54

I don't get it. Your as can't stay because they smoke, but he can stay their 16 hours a week.
You feel sick? You are being precious and a bit hypocritical.
To the poster that says 'aibu are going the way they are meant to'
Its aibu, which invites opinions. It isn't 'meant to be a certain way'.

LadyMargolotta · 04/09/2012 07:04

I couldn't leave my child overnight at that age, although I was fine with them in the creche.

Just because you don't want to leave him overnight now, doesn't mean that you will never want to leave him overnight. My youngest is now nearly four and I'd jump at the chance for a night off - although I really hate leaving them overnight for work

Because of the amount of child care you will be needing - four days a week is quite a lot - then it's probably a good idea to look around for a creche for at least some of that time.

Remember, it's your decision, no-one can force you, and they are wrong to pressurize you.

LetsKateWin · 04/09/2012 07:10

YANBU. I felt the same way about being away from DD when she was young. I never felt the need to be away from her for the night and she didn't sleep through until she was about 18 months.

You can't help how you feel about your DD. Your MIL wants to have her, so as a PP said, that doesn't mean that you should have to bow down to her every wish.

fiestabelle · 04/09/2012 07:10

WRT staying away overnight, both mine have stayed overnight with GP from an early age, 6 months ish. I take the view that it builds their confidence, when i went into hospital to have dd ds was fine staying overnight with gp as he was used to it. Gp look after my dc 3 days a week and also ask if they can stay overnight approx once a month. If your dc have never been away and then HAVE to stay away it must make it more unsettling.

BenjiAndTheTigers · 04/09/2012 07:19

You are being totally unreasonable for leaving a child with anyone who smokes. Even if it is free babysitting.

I don't care if people smoke but I would never take my DC to their homes for any reason.

Badvoc · 04/09/2012 07:23

Yanbu.
Your baby, your choice.
Just because your mum looks after him some days does not give her wishes precedence over yours.

QuickQuickSloe · 04/09/2012 07:31

OP I know what you mean with the feeling sick. I took my DS to the child minders for the first time last week (only for two hours) and had to stop on the way home to puke. The only way I could describe how I felt was a sort of acute homesickness.

The good news is that he has been back twice since and it's been easier every time.

When you're ready to leave him overnight is up to you and your mum's comment was unnecessary. She is obviously pretty excited to have him

catgirl2012 · 04/09/2012 07:49

YABU

You are either bothered about the smoking or you are not. Smoke doesn't become more toxic at night. I wouldn't be happy about the smoking full stop but you seem to want ot pick and choose when it is an issue

It seems like you are happy to leave him when it suits you but not prepared to let your DM have him overnight which might be a) a nice thank you for all the free childcare b) a nice break for you and c) good for your DS

It must be hurtful to your DM for you to say this to her yet you are acting like the wounded party.

You say you haven't left his side for more than 4 hours like it is a good thing. It isn't IMO. You will be in danger of creating a clingy velcro baby and not doing much to develop his independence. Let go a bit - for him and for you.

As for your DM I wouldn't have the smoking full stop but if you are ok with it when it suits you then make the effort to do something nice for her

AThingInYourLife · 04/09/2012 07:49

I think it's pretty normal to have physical feelings related to keeping your child safe.

I've felt ill/weird when my DDs hurt themselves or at the thought of them doing something that didn't feel right.

Your mother sounds weirdly possessive of your son.

He's not a thing to be "shared", he's a little person, one you and your DH are responsible for.

YANBU about no sleepovers at 11 months.

I would reconsider paying for childcare. It sounds like you will regret having to rely on your mother for this.

Plus leaving a baby with a smoker, in a smoker's house, for hours every week is a very bad idea.

AThingInYourLife · 04/09/2012 07:52

You don't give someone a go of your child for the night to say thank you.

He's not an object.

catgirl2012 · 04/09/2012 07:55

It's not "someone" - it's his grandmother who still hasn't had him over night nearly a year after he is born. Which, other than the smoking which doesn't bother the OP when she wants some free baby sitting, and the previous distance issue which has now been overcome is IMO just a little bit precious

Proudnscary · 04/09/2012 08:05

Flisspaps - of course, everyone is different, but I have to be honest I think it's OTT to not leave a child for more than a couple of hours for two years (or even for a few months).

I honesty don't mean to be rude or combative - but that's more about your needs/fears than the child's surely? A young child is absolutely fine with other caring/suitable adults and carers and learns that they are not physically/intrinsically tied to their mother (otherwise why would they know they are separate beings?). I think you are giving the message that it's a scary world without mum. Obvs I am speaking as someone who's worked from when ds was 4 months and FT since both dc were 5 and 3 and some people (on Mumsnet - not in real life!) are at that - so we are clearly going to have different views.

HoratiaWinwood · 04/09/2012 08:07

Is this for real? Who doesn't know about the gigantic sids risk caused by smoking?

YANBU to feel hurt by her "one of those mothers" comment because it was an absurd and unkind thing to say. YANBU not to want to consider sleepovers until you are more used to spending time apart from him.

But on just about every other count you are definitely BU and borderline idiotic.

iggi777 · 04/09/2012 08:11

My ds stayed with DM at just under 12 months, to give dh and I a much needed night out. We asked for (and got) regular text updates including photos to prove he was alright!
If the baby is ebf it makes sense that it's hard to leave them overnight. Also, tbh I didn't really trust my dm to stick to "new fangled" guidelines such as back to sleep, so would prefer shorter visits than overnight stays.
A night with a small child is not always that much fun, not sure why so many grandparents want to do it!

TheFidgetySheep · 04/09/2012 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 04/09/2012 08:17

Blimey I must be a hard hearted monster then

My dc have been babysat by family members since they were babies and neither dh or I cried/fretted/asked for pictures/updates/texts. I'd keep my phone on me all the time and was always madly pleased to see the dc when we got back, but all this hand wringing over a few hours away...really?

iggi777 · 04/09/2012 08:24

Is it not the case that overnight smoking would cause more harm (potentially) due to the baby being asleep? I don't know. I do imagine the dm will be able to not smoke for 4 hour periods, overnight I be she will need a bedtime and breakfast fag at least.

AThingInYourLife · 04/09/2012 08:29

It doesn't matter who it is, you don't give a baby as a gift for services rendered.

I worked from when DD1 was 3.5 months, but I didn't feel ready to leave her overnight until she was about 15 months old.

There's no benefit to a baby of a night away from parents, it's just something you do for the benefit/pleasure of the adults involved.

No good reason to do it if you don't want to.

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