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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to ask advice without triggering a SAHM v WOHM debate?

30 replies

LauraPashley · 03/09/2012 19:45

I work pt, this is relatively new for me having been ft until dc2 came along. I couldn't give a monkeys what anyone elses's choices re work etc are, but personally I am LOVING being pt. we have made a few (middle class) sacrifices to let me do this, no holidays, down to 1 car, eBay/charity shops for clothes, cancel the dreaded sky etc. hardly on the breadline but every penny is accounted for each month and nothing to spare etc. to my mind it is well worth and I don't mind saying no to nights out etc. plus I will up my hours again when the kids are older.
Anyway I am getting increasingly fed up of one friend who clearly feels hard done to, she works ft and always passes comment, stuff like ooooh I'd love to only work 3 days, roll on my lottery win etc. it's constant. She has a lovely lifestyle, 2 cars, nice holidays, big weekends away with the kids, expensive hobbies. And good for her I say, she works hard and should enjoy it! She is not the type to set foot in a second hand shop for example, whereas I quite enjoy the thrill of the bargain hunt! SO 2 different lifestyles/ choices, absolutely fine, but why is mine always up for debate/comment?

I'm wondering how to politely say butt out...I don't want to have to justify myself? It's getting me down, like I am some lady of the manor filing my nails and eating grapes while she is so hard done by and can't afford it!

OP posts:
janey68 · 03/09/2012 19:47

Just ignore , she probably doesnt envy your pay packet.
I am sure if she wanted to she'd work part time, because virtually everyone is free to request it now; I expect she prefers her set up but people say daft things

MerryCosIWonaGold · 03/09/2012 19:50

I'm in a similar position and yes it winds me up no end. My SIL does this. But they go on about 4 holidays a year, buy designer kids clothes and send their kids to private school plus a gazillion 'activities'. If I know the person well enough then I do say, "Well we could afford a lot more if I worked..." and leave it up to them to make the any connections. That's just a fact and not a judgement about what's 'right' or 'wrong'.

QuangleWangleQuee · 03/09/2012 19:50

Could you not mention what you have chosen to give up, so she can see that it is stuff she still has?

onebigwish · 03/09/2012 19:51

When I got twatty comments from people at work after going down to three days (comments such as, 'oh you're missing another awayday when the bloody things were organised for my non working days) I just said "I'm sure if you were happy to lose 40% of your salary you could miss a few too.

aamia · 03/09/2012 19:52

People say this to me when I'm at work. I remind them that if I work less hours, I get less pay - then let that sink in lol!

SofaKing · 03/09/2012 19:53

The grass is always greener.

My sister used to tell me I didn't know what hard work was as I didn't have kids. I was a bit Hmm as she had never worked but accepted that she might be right as I didn't have DC. When I had my DC, three within three and a half years, she told me I should think myself lucky I didn't have to get up at six in the morning to go out to work. She has still never worked full time.

Just ignore. Or retaliate and be constantly loudly envious of her disposable income until she gets the message.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2012 19:53

personally i think part time work is the way forward for most working mums - all the ones i have worked for are the happiest when part time if they can manage it financially and career wise - as they can still exercise their brain and see/speak to adults and also have mummy time a few days a week - so hopefully no guilt at either working or staying at home Grin

i think you have the balance right - and im a nanny but as you said thats not for discussion Wink

next time friend pipes up simply say, i enjoy working part time and am lucky enough to be able to at my company , but obv the salary went down and we cant have blow out holidays/new cars etc but im happy with the choices my dh and i have made for our family

if you are not happy in your job full time then look for something else :)

nextphase · 03/09/2012 19:55

Janey - not true about being PT if she wanted to. I'd love to be part time, but work have refused my request.

Laura - I guess you have a couple of choices - suggest she requests PT, tell her you'd love to have the second car / longhaul holidays etc, or just put up with it. Or you could comment, like you have above, you have made sacrifices you chose to allow the hours to drop. But they might all be a bit confrontational for you?

Springforward · 03/09/2012 19:57

I work 4 days now (wanted to go down to 3 really, but 4 was the compromise reached with my manager!) and I love it as I still get a day a week to just spend with DS, as well as the evenings and weekends but got to keep the job I really enjoy. When I first went to reduced hours I got some of those kind of comments, until I pointed out that I wasn't paid for the day I didn't work, and that was my choice. Soon stopped!

gimmecakeandcandy · 03/09/2012 20:00

I'd say it straight, that you chose to go full time but had to sacrifice 'all the lovely things you get to do' so please stop going on about it. She sounds very annoying!

janey68 · 03/09/2012 20:01

Next phase- I didn't say she would automatically get pt working. Just that pretty much everyone is entitled to request it, certainly any parent with children 16 or younger, and if this woman was really wanting pt she would probably make a flexible working request or change jobs. I suspect she prefers her ft job and is just making daft conversation

AlargeglassofwhatBorisIsOn · 03/09/2012 20:02

Is this going to be a bun fight?

janey68 · 03/09/2012 20:02

Ps I do agree it's annoying though.

gimmecakeandcandy · 03/09/2012 20:03

I'd say it straight, that you chose to go part time but had to sacrifice 'all the lovely things you get to do' so please stop going on about it. She sounds very annoying!

WhatYouLookingAt · 03/09/2012 20:03

Why ask in AIBU then, if you don't want the inevitable wankery on the matter? Post in a more sensible topic.

AlargeglassofwhatBorisIsOn · 03/09/2012 20:04

Just gone from being a PT worker to a 'homemaker'. It's brilliant! Bring it on!!

LiegeAndLief · 03/09/2012 20:04

I work very part time and often have people in my office say how they wished they didn't have to come into work tomorrow or how great to leave at 2:15 on a sunny afternoon etc. I usually point out that they woudln't be very happy with the resulting pay slip at the end of the month!

wanderingalbatross · 03/09/2012 20:08

I'd take her wish seriously next time, and ask her in an interested way why she doesn't request it. Explain that she has the right to ask and then start pointing her at all the flexible working advice on directgov.

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt · 03/09/2012 20:09

What onebihwish says - point out to her that you not only work a percentage of the week, but you also only get a percentage of the salary. And you have made sacrifices and please can she shut up going on about it because it is bloody annoying.

It is well worth a frosty moment or two to stop her speaking like this. She sounds very annoying.

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt · 03/09/2012 20:10

Whatyoulooking at - the wankery isn't inevitable. People can stop being wanky

gettingeasier · 03/09/2012 20:11

A. Ditch her

B. Next time she makes a remark ask her to give it a rest ffs

MummytoKatie · 03/09/2012 20:21

Just smile nicely and say "yes I'm lucky work let me. Although I'm sooo jealous of your lovely holiday - it sounds wonderful."

Life is soo much easier if everyone is nice about things.

Hownoobrooncoo · 03/09/2012 20:27

I'd be tempted to wind her up buy saying how great it is being able to do lunch, shop through the week, not be so stressed, go the gym and that you are taking up tennis and poor her etc. But then i can be a bit bitchy when annoyed by the tiresome and dim folk.

Original poster
LauraPashley · 03/09/2012 20:31

Whoever mentioned confrontation up the thread has it spot on - I am shit at it!

I do genuinely think there is an element of her not understanding - she is one of these people who can't understand where food could possibly come from if it doesn't come from m&s etc. she talks about money a lot, but it does make me snigger a bit when she mentions her struggles in having to cut down on car valets etc. I think she knows she obviously couldn't afford their lifestyle on less than she earns now, but it wouldn't occur to her that further cutbacks might be available!

I know pt is not an option for everyone, but she is one of the very few ft workers in her dept (also a chip on her shoulder re the supposed "carrying" of their work load).

Any suggestions for which I need to be less brave?!

OP posts:
AlargeglassofwhatBorisIsOn · 03/09/2012 20:31

Just enjoy your reasons for doing what you do. You made a choice for you and your family. Stop worrying about what others think or say. Life is better that way....maybe things arent that great for her..

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