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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...To wish my OH didn't live with me?

37 replies

ThreeEdgedSword · 03/09/2012 13:11

It's my first thread...

Been with OH for just over a year, and have 1 DS from a previous relationship.

When we first got together, we did the usual loved-up, spend-all-our-time- together thing. He spent most weeknights at my house (I don't get out much as I'm a SAHM). I've recently moved, and we decided it would be easier to actually move in together, as he practically lived with me anyway.

A month later, I'm in a right strop with him. Yes, he pays his way, but he's taken it upon himself to comment on my housework, my parenting and even how I spend my free time. He insists on playing loud games on the PC when I'm trying to watch TV, or gets the arse when I want to play Xbox and he wants to watch telly. He also complains if I don't Hoover every single bloody day, if I want to spend (my!) money on something totally frivolous, and if I call time without my DS "time off". He reckons I make being a mum sound like a chore.

Wow, sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant...almost finished, I promise...

My main issue is the fact that I'm used to having my own space, and almost total freedom (was split from DS's father for two years before we got together). Now I'm struggling and feel like he's taking over my life. I have explained this, but nothing changes. AIBU to expect him to give me some space? I am by nature very independent and I just hate him nagging at me all the time.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 03/09/2012 13:16

...tell him to move out

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 03/09/2012 13:20

It's just settling down time isn't it?

If he doesnt like your dusting - throw him the Mr Sheen and tell him to crack on with it. Show him where the hoover plugs in.

At the moment you aren't working as a partnership.

Surely he must have known you and housework weren't going hand in hand if he'd been staying at your house a lot prior to moving in? Therefore he accepts you as you are.

However, as he has moved in, and you are both, or should be, co-parenting your child, then you're going to start dinging from the same hymn sheet - because if one of you is slack and the otherr ultra strict, then that's a recipe for disaster.

I wonder, can I get any more metaphores in this post?

alienreflux · 03/09/2012 13:20

yep, you tried, it isn't working, has he given his own place up? it's really hard to adjust to co-habiting when you have been on your own, especially with children. he sounds like a knob tbh, and if he's telling you how to parent (after a month ffs) it can only get worse. if you really want to live with him you will have to sit him down and point out these very annoying and un-live able traits he's developed, see if he's willing to work on compromising?

coppertop · 03/09/2012 13:21

If he's like this in the first month, I really can't see it getting any better.

From your description, he expects you to adapt your lifestyle to suit him but doesn't want to make any changes to his own behaviour.

You've talked to him about it and nothing has changed.

alienreflux · 03/09/2012 13:21

how old, how many kids do u have?

Original poster
ThreeEdgedSword · 03/09/2012 13:35

I'm 22, he's just turned 29. I've only got the one child. He was living with his parents before because of money problems, and his mum keeps an immaculate house (not hard with grown-up children), so I think he just expects me to do the same, even though he knew my standards are lower than that (my house is clean, it's just messy because 2 year olds make mess).

JumpingThroughMoreHoops, the metaphors made me giggle Smile thanks for the advice, I might just do that.

alienreflux, he's lovely in every other way, it's only the living together that he's a knob about. I've tried mentioning it, but he said I could make more of an effort too. Which resulted in me storming off in a strop. God I hate my temper.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 03/09/2012 13:40

You say you don't work. Are you still claiming benefits as a single parent or have you declared to the DWP that you are a cohabiting couple?

If the latter, then I would try and work it out. If the former, then you are not really committed to one another anyway and I would kick him out.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 03/09/2012 13:40

When we got married, Dh used to bring me a cup of tea in bed every morning. I don't know how I didn't stab wet lettuce him. He did this because that is what his father used to do for this mother. I, on the other hand was brought up to not eat drink or doss about in bed for no good reason. Beds are for sleeping and being terminally ill in, not a bloody picnic.

He soon learned Grin

Feminine · 03/09/2012 13:44

Jumping Confused

That sounded like a lovely gesture from your DH...

wednesdaygirl · 03/09/2012 13:48

Omg jumping i love my bed Grin dh brings me breakfast in bed every weekend

MrsKeithRichards · 03/09/2012 13:48

Funny my dad takes tea to my mum. Fil does it for mil. Dh doesn't do it for me. Fucker.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 03/09/2012 13:50

He is lovely - we just have different ways. He persists in talking to me when I get in from work - he doesn't understand I don't want to talk to anyone until I have a cup of coffee and a fag under my belt. I've almost got him cured of that one!

I'm currently working on the mid-morning phone call - which I do not want or need when I'm at work - this is what email is for - I can ignore those until I want to answer them! Grin

It goes like this:
Ring Ring
Me: what do you want
Him: I just wondered how you are
Me: the same as I was 3 hours ago! Do you actually want anything?
Him: no
Me: Bye!

All done in jest - but I'm now sure he does this to annoy me - it works Grin

ThePigOnTheWall · 03/09/2012 13:51

Why the hell do people have to rush things so often? Especially with a child involved?

akaemmafrost · 03/09/2012 13:52

Well I've lived with dc only for three years now and I can't see myself ever living with someone again. Your OP sends shivers down my spine!

ThePigOnTheWall · 03/09/2012 13:52

Jumping your DH sounds lovely and you sound like a grumpy ungrateful git tbh

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 03/09/2012 13:55

pig It's all very tongue in cheek, but everyone has their little peccadilloes.

I'm paid to work, not organise my home life or social life.

On the other side of the coin he is my best friend and I'm his ikky vomit moment he wouldnt be without me, I wouldnt be without him

Thumbwitch · 03/09/2012 13:59

Kick him out. Really. He may be 7y older than you chronologically, but if he hadn't left his parents' home before moving in with you then he's basically expecting you to pick up where his mum left off.

Don't do it.

Original poster
ThreeEdgedSword · 03/09/2012 13:59

ThePigOnTheWall, it's not exactly rushing, we were circling each other for a couple of years before the relationship started, so we know each other really well.

I guess it's different when you have to live with them!

And Jumping has a point about different ways. I don't do morning conversation, and he's learnt not to try to talk to me till I've had a cup of tea and a smoke. And I don't think she's an ungrateful git, I can't stand having breakfast in bed, I get up if I hear him cooking!

OP posts:
ThePigOnTheWall · 03/09/2012 13:59

Well you sound like a joy to live with Jumping

Original poster
ThreeEdgedSword · 03/09/2012 14:03

Thumbwitch, he did move out of his parent's home, had to move back when he got made redundant a couple of years back. I don't think he expects me to mother him, I just can't stand the way he criticizes and doesn't give me any space.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 03/09/2012 14:04

I am an utter delight pig, he tells me every day Grin

I don't do morning conversation either. This is why I get up between 4 and 5am (coffee, fags) before everyone else starts crawling out.

EdithWeston · 03/09/2012 14:10

You said in OP he was "practically living with you" before he moved in. So he wasn't a knob then? As it can only be a small difference from then to now in terms of any of the external factors of how much he was in your premises, what has changed?

Were you treating him as a guest earlier on? Is that what he expected life with you would be like, if he agreed you were 'practically living together'?

StuntGirl · 03/09/2012 14:11

You need to both sit down and discuss how you're going to work things out moving forward. You have certain expectations, so does he, but it doesn't sound like you've discussed them together.

It's important you're both on the same page if you're going to live together and co-parent your child.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 03/09/2012 14:11

I just can't stand the way he criticizes and doesn't give me any space.

Personal space is important, not every one wants to be part of a Derek & Mavis style couple. That was one thing he really did have to compromise on - especially when he is a big huggy bear and I'm really very spectrum - I had to compromise on a lot of personal boundaries as well.

We are very chalk and cheese, he's out going and gregarious, I'd much rather be at home with a book than be the eternal party girl. But we are the perfect team, we think we are. Anyway, we're stuck with each other now Grin

ovenchips · 03/09/2012 14:12

I'm sorry but I don't think it sounds a promising start. He is criticising you after less than a month of living together. I realise when you first cohabit you will find lots of minor irritations with each other that you have to deal with: either letting it go or reaching a compromise. But the things he's brought up are not the other's personal idiosyncrasies but sounds fairly wholesale criticism of you basically.

I wouldn't expect to be with someone and have this criticism less than a month in and I wouldn't expect such across the board disagreement of the way I did pretty much everything.

I really don't think you should expect it either.

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