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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deduct this from son's pocket money

42 replies

LesleyPumpshaft · 02/09/2012 11:04

Sorry, this is a bit long and slightly ranty, but do not want to drip feed.

This is a serious aibu and I would value opinions. My 13 year old DS threw away loads of good quality stationery eqiupment that I bought him a few months ago when he tidied his room. I know I probably should have spotted this!

Anyway, he has hidden this from me and I've now found out he has no maths set, calculator and I bought him some lovely fineliner pens that he said he could really do with for school etc.

I don't mind getting the usual back to school stuff, but DS seems to have no respect for things and is constantly losing and breaking his stuff.

I have now found out that he needs replacements, so I will have to take him to get them today. He is a stroppy little so and so at the moment. He also keeps making digs about how me and DP don't earn much money.

Basically DP was made redundant from a good job. I suffered from a serious illness that culminated in my having a kidney removed last December. The company I used to work for were so vile to me about me taking time off for operations and some really serious kidney infections (temperatures of 40 degrees etc, so not malingering), that I was basically forced to qhand in my notice.

Anyway, DP is now doing agency work and I have been freelancing since I recovered from my operation, and I now earn a modest wage. Actually things are getting better for us financially I would say. Every time DS makes these snide comments I feel like a shit parent. Sad

Life throws these things at you and you just have to get through them. On the plus side we own our house outright though and have no mortgage. Smile

If he bitches about us being 'poor' why does he constantly treat stuff with no respect and then expect me to fork out for replacements? How is that going to help?

Anyway, apparently he hates me because I am dragging him out on a Sunday. AIBU to deduct the price of the stuff he lost out of his pocket money?

OP posts:
Original poster
LesleyPumpshaft · 02/09/2012 11:05

Sorry for typos btw, I'm a bit stressed!

OP posts:
JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 02/09/2012 11:06

Send him to the pound shop - he'll be kitted out for 3 quid.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 02/09/2012 11:07

YABU for getting the stuff at all.

I wouldn't bother.

Why did he chuck it away?

atacareercrossroads · 02/09/2012 11:08

Yanbu at all

slartybartfast · 02/09/2012 11:08

do you go on about being poor.
he needs a short sharp shock about the value of things. and yes, pound shop for his stationery

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 02/09/2012 11:10

that I was basically forced to qhand in my notice.

Constructive dismissal - phone ACAS and get advice

larks35 · 02/09/2012 11:11

Definitely not unreasonable. Why did he throw the stuff away? You shouldn't have to monitor what a 13yo decides to throw out when tidying their room.
WRT his comments and attitude, don't make a big deal out of it. If he makes snide comments about your finances just shrug and say something along the lines of "Yep, that's why your pocket money is being cut, you know everyone has to do their bit in these hard times". You could say this as a joke or (and I'd be tempted) cut his pocket money for real.

Original poster
LesleyPumpshaft · 02/09/2012 11:12

He chucked it away because I made him tidy his room. Basically he couldn't be arsed to tidy up properly, so he stuck it all in a bin liner and stuck it in the outside wheelie bin. Teenagers!

I could well be U for getting the stuff in the first place. Blush I thought I was being supportive of his creative side.

I don't go on about being poor and I actually think me and DP are very fortunate to be mortgage free in our 30's.

OP posts:
Happybunny12 · 02/09/2012 11:12

YANBU. Ungrateful wretch. Kids can get part time jobs from 13. I had a job unloading the dishwasher in a cafe at 13. If he has to buy his own stuff would he look after it more? If not an option in your area, does he do chores for his pocket money? Sounds like he needs a bit of a reality check to realise how lucky he is.

JeezyOrangePips · 02/09/2012 11:12

We aren't well off, but my kids have never made digs about it.

Is he getting teased about it? Could there be something more to it than just throwing it away?

I only ask because a friends daughter was always 'losing stuff'. Eventually it came out that she was being bullied and her stuff was being stolen and some being broken by the bullies.

JeezyOrangePips · 02/09/2012 11:13

Cross post!

Ah well in that case he should definitely pay for the replacements.

Mrsjay · 02/09/2012 11:15

go to asda or any supermarket and get him his stuff he needs there he can cope with 'norma' pens and whatnot dd got a scientific calculator for 3 quid for going back, His attitude to money isnt unusual a lot of teens are materialistic just shrug and say well son thems the breaks we and ALL have to muck in because times are hard, and leave it at that don't feel guilty about the lack of money he won't suffer , he will moan and groan but he isn't in any real hardship is he, Id cut his pocket money too

Startailoforangeandgold · 02/09/2012 11:16

UANBU at all.

He may be acting out his worries and frustrations about the situation, but he is doing it in a very immature manner.

I think you and his Dad need to sit down and have a serious word with him about the realities of life.

Compared to my childhood, we live in a very throw away society. Stationary and clothes are compatibly cheap and DCs see them as disposable.

Some times they have to be shown this is not completely true.

Yes he should pay (possibly in instalments), having no money at all will cause resentment and he should say sorry for being so rude.

I'm a right stickler for the last point, I have an 11 DD2 who over steps the mark if given the chance.

Trioofprinces · 02/09/2012 11:17

I would be tempted to take it from his pocket money, after all why should you pay for all the decent stuff again? It's not like he's used it he's thrown it away fgs!

Fwiw, my kids have made comments such as 'we're quite poor really aren't we?, when i've nit wanted to buy something. I've shot them down at as actually we're quite well off, have a big house, foreign holidays etc. I think their perceptions can be quite warped often. I also think you've done a brilliant job considering your recent circumstances.

WhatYouLookingAt · 02/09/2012 11:19

Get him stuff from the pound shop to replace and deduct his pocket money to pay for the more expensive stuff he threw away.

And if any of mine were bitching and moaning in that way about being poor (which you clearly aren't really) I would be taking all of their pocket money to sponsor an actual poor child somewhere else. Ungrateful brat.

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 02/09/2012 11:19

YANBU AT ALL! If he has to pay for the replacements, it might make him think about taking better care of his stuff.

Give him the choice as to whether he will replace the stuff cheaply from the pound shop, thus losing less of his pocket money, or buying the more expensive, nicer ones that he DID have, and losing more of his pocket money.

Will help him to see that when you have a limited budget, you have to make hard decisions. And take it out if his pocket money when he loses things if it is pure carelessness. I had to do the same with DD when she was about the same age.

I have issues with DD and DS1 complaining that it is not fair that we are poor, and I should get a job. I have to keep patiently mostly explaining that I have a disability, it is hard for me to get employed, and I have DC's with SN's and can't afford childcare for them, and a toddler too.

It's hard, and they don't quite yet grasp the realities of life.

noblegiraffe · 02/09/2012 11:20

He may have had no intention of bringing them to school. I've taught many boys who turn up to school with no equipment or a pen in their pocket if I'm lucky and when this is mentioned to parents they turn and ask the boy what happened to the bulging pencil case they forked out for.

Trioofprinces · 02/09/2012 11:30

Going back to kids thinking their families are poor and being 'ungrateful', in reality I don't expect mine to appreciate or be particularly grateful for what they have. I know I didn't appreciate what I was brought up with at the time to be honest.

froggies · 02/09/2012 11:32

YANBU. Unfortunately it is not an unusual attitude in teens :-( i would give him his pocket money, then escort him to the pound shop/supermarket and make him pay for the replacements.

My DS(then 14) had to wake up to the harsh realities of cash flow when exp left. I sat him down and went over the house hold budget with him when he showed similar shitty attitude, so he could see how much money comes in and where it goes, it did help.

Mrsjay · 02/09/2012 11:34

don't expect mine to appreciate or be particularly grateful for what they have.

but you do expect them to look after and not trash the things they have dont you,

I dont say to my kids do you know how much THIS THAT OR TH E OTHEr COSTS but I wouldn't want them to think 'stuff' grows on trees

Original poster
LesleyPumpshaft · 02/09/2012 11:38

I don't actually expect a 13 year old to be grateful either, and I know that kids at that age aren't concerned with the ins and outs of a household budget either!

Thanks for replies all. I think the choice of the pound shop V expensive stuff is a great idea CouthyMowWearingOrange, so thanks.

On the whole, DS is a good lad and we usually get on quite well. I suppose getting upset about him saying we are poor is my own issue. We have been able to go abroad on holiday this summer for the first time in about 3 years because I am now well enough, and we will be again at Easter. I don't think he's that hard done by. I think it's more to do with the fact that he has a couple of mates who live in massive 5 bed houses with massive TV's and who's parents have flashy cars. Compared with them we probably are poor, but then we don't have any debts. I'd rather keep it that way!

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 02/09/2012 11:42

lesley my children well not so much dd1 she has left school but anyway they mixed with children who had huge houses and went on really exotic holidays it is hard sometimes and 13yr old don't think like we do but don't feel guilty for being ill and your circumstances we do what we do Smile

1 of dds friends dad is a treasurer for a scottish bank so you can imagine the lifestyle she has I can't compete with that ,

AllPastYears · 02/09/2012 11:55

I would absolutely make him pay. He's too old to act so stupidly!

Trioofprinces · 02/09/2012 12:06

MrsJay - I agree completely, I don't expect ten to be grateful but I do expect them to treat things with respect absolutely.

pigletmania · 02/09/2012 12:21

The pound shop it is then!