To deduct this from son's pocket money

[LesleyPumpshaft]

Sorry, this is a bit long and slightly ranty, but do not want to drip feed.

This is a serious aibu and I would value opinions. My 13 year old DS threw away loads of good quality stationery eqiupment that I bought him a few months ago when he tidied his room. I know I probably should have spotted this!

Anyway, he has hidden this from me and I've now found out he has no maths set, calculator and I bought him some lovely fineliner pens that he said he could really do with for school etc.

I don't mind getting the usual back to school stuff, but DS seems to have no respect for things and is constantly losing and breaking his stuff.

I have now found out that he needs replacements, so I will have to take him to get them today. He is a stroppy little so and so at the moment. He also keeps making digs about how me and DP don't earn much money.

Basically DP was made redundant from a good job. I suffered from a serious illness that culminated in my having a kidney removed last December. The company I used to work for were so vile to me about me taking time off for operations and some really serious kidney infections (temperatures of 40 degrees etc, so not malingering), that I was basically forced to qhand in my notice.

Anyway, DP is now doing agency work and I have been freelancing since I recovered from my operation, and I now earn a modest wage. Actually things are getting better for us financially I would say. Every time DS makes these snide comments I feel like a shit parent.

Life throws these things at you and you just have to get through them. On the plus side we own our house outright though and have no mortgage.

If he bitches about us being 'poor' why does he constantly treat stuff with no respect and then expect me to fork out for replacements? How is that going to help?

Anyway, apparently he hates me because I am dragging him out on a Sunday. AIBU to deduct the price of the stuff he lost out of his pocket money?

trioof it looked like i was shouting at you on my post i wasn't my caps lock sticks sometimes

We were the poorest of the poor when dd was 13 (both went back to Uni) and she never once even mentioned our financial position. I doubt she was even aware! Why is he so sensitive about that? Do you mention it a lot? Does he have mega rich mates? If you're both working and have no mortgage you must be minted!

I know he's your son and 13, but he sounds like a right brat!

YANBU to expect him to pay for stuff he has wantonly lost in that fashion; he needs to learn to be more careful and not so sulky about stuff.
As for the digs about you not earning, does he not give any kind of shit about how ill you were? I think that's terrible that he's so disrespectful of you and your DH's earnings at the moment.

He needs a good wake-up call, actually, so yes, only get him the absolute basics that he needs, nothing special, get it as cheaply as you can and take it back out of his pocket money.

Do you think he's acting out stress that he internalised while things weren't going well for you?

Teenagers can be hard work: they're still kids but they're also growing up and they're aware that they're neither children nor adults and kind of frustrated and confused about that.

I wonder if he's "testing" you, to make sure you're not suddenly going to "break" on him.

That said: my 14 year old does stuff like "tidy" his room and chuck a whole load of stuff out. I don't think he means to; he's just not a "long-thinker" - he's only been around for 14 years. He also goes on about our family income - not in a nasty way, I think it's more that a. all young adults want to get an idea of who they are, and part of that is getting social and economic information about themselves, their families and the world and we are in troubling times economically, and it would be strange if our children hadn't noticed that (though they can be fairly solipsistic, so maybe not that strange if they haven't noticed).

I'd let him replace some of those items: good for his autonomy to go out and buy/choose them himself, though I might check if the calculator needs to be any type inparticular (ds' school are pedantic about calculators). I wouldn't even present it as a punishment to be doing that - more of a "well, you're big now. Here's some responsibility. Off you go."

The poster who suggested bullying and school issues - I'd keep that in mind and probe, to be honest. It probably isn't anything like that but it's always worth bearing in mind that school and friends are really big things in teenagers' lives and often stuff going on at home isn't anything to do with us parents at all but to do with them-and-their-world, of which school and friends is a big part.

I hope you and your partner are heading into a better time. Is it too late to take action for constructive dismissal? Sounds to me that chucking out pens, etc, is nothing in comparison with someone/some people effectively stealing your job from you.

By the way, for good or ill, I'm a lecture-ey mother. I have a strong suspicion that it's not a Good Thing, and I am trying to be more of a Mother-who-Listens.

However ... I really would explain to my son that those things he chucked away didn;t just have an economic cost but also had an emotional value: you bought them because you wanted to validate who he is, and because you love him, want to provide for him, etc. When he doesn't take care of these things, he's effectively showing you he doesn't value the care you have for him.

Even as I write that, I realise that perhaps I'm a bit of a crap mother ... The thing is, I think it's worth pointing out to children that you are an individual, with emotional reality, and you are real, and they have to treat you as a person. Somewhere in my being, I think it's doing children a favour to tell them that.

I've no idea whether I'm right, or wrong; whether it's a judicious thing to do, or whether it'll produce an emotionally unstable and put-upon individual. Maybe ask me in twenty years time?

But I'm thinking that it's the emotional stuff that's got under your skin rather than just the economic stuff, so perhaps deal with that. And perhaps you're mixing up financial and emotional stuff yourself, and projecting financial things into what your son is doing/saying because that is your own grown-up issues, giving you a language for why it's upsetting you...

I don't know. As with all suggestions on mn, pick it up, shake it about, see if it fits, and if it doesn;t,plonk it back down, and move onto the next one.

Good luck.

DS2 (13) is in the habit of "losing" stuff.

We have started to deduct it all from his pocket money when it comes to replacements.

At the moment he is paying back the phone bill he racked up, which will take him till Xmas. He gets £24 a month and we are keeping £20 of it back every time.

They need to learn.

Last year I discovered dd then 13 was going to school halfway the year through with a tiny bit of pencil and sometimes not even a pen I only found out at parents night one of her teachers said 'miss jay' comes to school without the right equipment , there is so many pens in my house I could open a bloody shop I was and 'miss jay' got the cheapest of the cheap for going back this year and i now have to do pen inspection every morning I was really annoyed with her for being so lazy

massive 5 bed houses with massive TV's and who's parents have flashy cars. Compared with them we probably are poor, but then we don't have any debts

I have often had this discussion with my DCs. We have no debt and we have plenty of capital but we don't have the fancy cars etc that some of their friends do.
I have pointed out that some of those friends parents will have borrowed money to buy a brand new car and they probably all have huge mortgages.

We go abroad on holiday and have a good standard of living but DH is retired so our income is not going to grow.

I've said this so often they "get"it now. It's a choice how you spend money, not a competition to have the best stuff.

gatheringlilac, I have thought often that DS was brilliant while I was very poorly, and I've told him so. Maybe now he knows that he can take out his frustrations on me in a normal teenager-like fashion! I can understand that, and I'm trying not to take it to heart, he must have been as worried as I was.

I have wondered about the bullying thing too, as he has kind of 'come out' to me recently, he is very camp and most of his friends are girls. I made an appointment with the student welfare person after parents evening and she seems to be happy with him appart from him being rather disorganised but so am I, so it's obviously hereditary. She said that he is popular, has his group of friends and is a very polite and pleasant young man. At least he makes an effort to be civil at school.

I took him out and we got stuff from Wilko's out of his pocket money. I bought him a scientific calculator as stipulated by the school.

SecretSquirrels, you have a very similar attitude towards finances as I do. I would rather save up and than get things on credit. You don't have to pay interest either!

To those who mentioned whether or not I spoke much about being poor, I suppose I was very worried when I quit may job. Unfortunately, I was too ill at the time to do anything about the way the company handled my illness (bullying basically) and it's too late now. Maybe DS picked up on the stress. Thank goodness it's behind us now!

Thanks for the replies and advice everyone. It is very much appreciated! Also, a bit of advice from me. Your health really is the most important thing.

This is a timely thread - bought DD an A3 folder for her textiles work just two days ago. Turns out she thinks she left it on the bus.

I am VERY short of money, have has to budget to the last penny. She has got the message! She huffed and gave me the £1.99 from her pocket money without me even asking. .

Message has finally sunk in. She's 14 1/2.
So there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

CouthyMowWearingOrange, glad to hear it. We may not expect gratitude, but showing some respect is expected.

She did ask for the 1p change though, as she gave me two pound coins...

DId he chuck the stuff out by accident?

You can get all that from Wilkos for about £4 and a calculated of about 80p - sorted and yes take it from his pocket money.

calculater for

My kids aren't even teenagers but they still have to buy new school things out of their pocket money if I think they are being careless. DS had a terrible habit of pushing his pencils through his rubbers and then crumbling them. I got fed up after I'd had to replace his rubber three times and made him buy the fourth. The habit appears to be broken now!

valiumredhead - No, he was being a little bugger and thought it would be a short cut to tidying his room and organising his stuff. I can see his logic, but I definitely do not approve.

The new equipment came at a very reasonable price and the scientific calculator was a princely sum of £4.00.

CouthyMowWearingOrange - Now why doesn't that surprise me!

I've just shown this to my 14 yo Ds. He straightawy said your DS is worried about your financial position and your health.I thought that too.I can see a lot of myself as a teenager in your DS.A lot. Please don't be harsh.Not on him replace the stuff from poundland and move on.