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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel upset DH is playing golf again...?

46 replies

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 01:23

DH is playing golf twice this weekend and I feel upset that he's playing yet again when he's already played today. DH and I have agreed that he plays once at the weekend if we don't have any other plans with family, friends etc.

However he's already played today on a spa break we had, it was a surprise gift for me where he booked me a spa treatment and he had a round of golf by himself. This evening just before going to bed he tells me he's playing tomorrow morning with one of his friends. I quite calmy told him that im a little upset about it and wasnt happy considering he had already played today. He said i was being unreasonable and tmrws game of golf is not the same as today. We've just had a massive row about it which escalated and now he's sleeping in the lounge! I just feel the whole of today has been spoilt but am I really being that unreasonable about being upset about another game of golf??

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OpheliasWeepingWillow · 02/09/2012 01:26

YANBU. Golf drives me potty. It's like a sickness but not much you can do as he will resent you. RESENT! So I would plan lovely things to do in the time he is playing, never ask about his handicap or par or anything dull like that and live with it.

I say this as someone who has failed to redirect a DH from golf BTW. Commiserations.

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 01:33

Was it a happy surprise for you to go to the spa while he pleased himself went off to play golf?

It'd probably leave me wondering why he didn't sort something for both of us to do together, unless you're really into spas?

It's nice sometimes to have total escapism doing something you really enjoy, could he be trying to escape from anything?

Stress at work? Cash flow problems?

Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 01:45

Ophelia commiserations to you too, I do normally plan lovely things whilst he is playing and I actually cancelled a lunch with a friend tomorrow as I stupidly assumed he'd had his fix today!

Agent, it was a nice surprise when he told me about the spa but when I realised he was going off to play golf himself and not do any spa stuff with me, I did wonder why he hadn't sorted out something for both of us to do together. We don't have cash issues and he doesn't stress about work a great deal and if he does he usually tells me so I can't think of anything he could be escaping from, unless of course it's me!! But I think it's perhaps just selfish, he thinks he's ticked boxes with the spa so he's now entitled to carry on as he pleases??

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AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 02:16

If it was a one off I would probably ignore it as him being a cheeky twat and trying it on.

Are you most fucked off because you trying to tell him that playing so much is getting to you and caused the argument, or is the playing golf just incidental and it's the argument that's getting to you more?

JessePinkman · 02/09/2012 02:23

Really? I have no problem with my dh playing golf, or following the various sports that he does. If it meant I could have a workout/massage/swim, I would care even less. We don't need to like the same things. Surely you don't need to like the same things to get on as a couple?

Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 02:25

Agent, I think it's the argument because it's escalated to the level that he started saying that I'm unreasonable and we shouldn't be married and shouldn't have kids!! It used to be about the level of golf he was playing but we eventually came to an agreement which I thought we were both happy about but judging by this weekend it seems like perhaps DH is not actually happy about it and wants to play more golf?? He also started shouting that he wanted to take up cricket again!!

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AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 02:32

'we shouldn't be married and shouldn't have kids'

I know people say things in the heat of the moment when they don't really mean them, but that's a shitty thing to say.

You're entitled to you own thoughts about when he plays golf, he's just shouting you down because you're saying something he doesn't like, which wouldn't put me off if it was important to me.

But isn't the OP entitled to say how she feels if it does bother her Jesse? Without her DH acting like a twat and saying things to try and hurt her?

Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 02:35

Jesse, I don't mind him playing but I do think it's a bit much if it's both days at the weekend especially due to work we don't see a great deal of each other in the week. I don't mind us not having the same interests but I would like to spend some quality time together and considering it was a birthday treat I felt I spent the majority of it on my own, when if it was the case, he didn't want to spend it with me, then I could have done something I really wanted, if that makes any sense?

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Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 02:42

OMG Agent, are you in my head? That is exactly what I tried to explain to him in terms of what was going on here!

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AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 02:54

I know a couple people who think kicking up a fuss will make me think twice about saying something I know they won't like in the future (and I'm not one for bringing things up as such).

It's a lot easier to keep calm and say it won't wash and you're entitled to say what you think without getting your head ripped off, than to join in the game and give them shit back.

Leave him to shout/sulk on his own.

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 02:56

How quickly will things get back to normal after he's slept on the setee?

I really feel for you if you know all you have is an atmosphere to look forward to tomorrow.

Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 03:03

That is exactly how I feel, I do pick my arguments and in the past I've regretted not saying things but he had to know how I felt about it.

Well he's still playing golf first thing in the morning so I won't see him until he gets back and I'm hopefully going to reinstate my lunch date with my friend so I'm hoping I can forget about it until I see him. I actually have already apologised for saying hurtful things in response to his cruel remarks but he said he had nothing to say to me, so that's how I've left it at the moment. It's obviously still bothering me as I can't still get to sleep.

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AgentZigzag · 02/09/2012 03:11

Awww

And he's made it difficult for you to bring it up without giving him the chance to make out you're deliberately starting it off again.

I really am off to bed (even though I thought that an hour ago ) I hope he sees sense and can see how he overreacted.

Let us know how it goes?

NurseBernard · 02/09/2012 03:14

Cunning - so he bought you a spa treatment, enabling him to go off and play golf; and then still riding high on the spa-earned brownie points, he thinks he can wangle another golf game out of you/the weekend. He didn't come down in the last shower, did he?!

I have no advice - it's a tricky one as he pretty much has you over a like-it-or-lump-it barrel. You either forbid or restrict him, with him resenting you like crazy, or you let him do it. With you resenting him like crazy.

I'd be really upset by the 'we shouldn't be married and shouldn't have kids' comment. Sounds like he has no intention of stepping up to the plate at all, and you just know this will get worse when you've kids to look after at the weekend. If he doesn't like hanging around with you now, he certainly won't when there are demanding kids on the scene.

I'd be having myself a old, old-fashioned Talk, if I were you.

Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 03:15

Thanks Agent, goodnight

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Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 03:21

Yes Nurse I definitely think those comments are bothering me more than anything especially since we have started down the road of IVF. I'm worried in all honesty.

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neverknowinglyunreasonable · 02/09/2012 03:52

It's just not cricket.

RobotLover68 · 02/09/2012 06:14

lovey - you need to get this sorted now - my DH drives me demented with his constant whining about playing golf - we have 4 young DCs! I never wanted him to take up the poxy game in the first place but he went ahead anyway.

We grudgingly came to an agreement (after many rows) that he would play once a week as long as he had an early tee-off and was home in time for lunch. He will also cancel if we have something important on. It still gets on my nerves at times but it's not as bad as it used to be.

Icelollycraving · 02/09/2012 06:44

My dh has just started playing golf. He is a man of fads. He has to buy all the gear for whatever the passing interest is. He has spent so much money so far & has literally played a couple of games.
I did ask quite how he thought he'd be playing regularly. We both work full time,ds is in nursery,I work some late nights & Saturdays. We probably have 4 days together a month.

BlingLoving · 02/09/2012 06:57

If you don't have dc yet Yanbu to be upset but you will struggle to make. Him see that. But once you do havedc, it will be very different and you should definitely try get this sorted ahead if time. When you have a small baby you will be very resentful if he is disappearing to play golf twice a week. And he needs to understand that you will both have less leisure time once you have dc.

In meantime, can he ensure he's back with plenty of time to spend a few hours with you?

DolomitesDonkey · 02/09/2012 07:03

Oh I wish mine would pudd off to the golf course and leave me in peace. But he just gets wound up by amateurs playing weekends. :o!

One of the things that attracted me to him was his love of golf. I knew I'd be free to persue my own hobbies.

SilverSky · 02/09/2012 07:08

What would annoy me would be that he told you the day before that he was going off to play golf the next morning. That is selfish. Where is the advanced warning and consideration?

JeezyOrangePips · 02/09/2012 07:20

Is his one game of golf a week usually on a Sunday? And his other one was elsewhere while you were away?

I think generally normal rules get suspended on short breaks and people do things they don't normally do. Then when they get home, normal life resumes.

So if he got home in time for his normal weekly game of golf, I think YABU.

Surely he is entitled, on a short break, to do something he enjoys while you do something else?

gettingeasier · 02/09/2012 07:28

I remember well the constant trading off it was exactly like nurse said

After a few years it was no longer trading off just him doing as he wished mostly under the banner of " I'm at work all week". No number of measured talks made a difference because the crux of the problem was simply that he didnt want to spend time with me/us and I refused to be there rolling pin in hand.

From what you have said his view will be he has ticked the box of treating you and spending time with you (even though he was actually playing golf) and that it is entirely reasonable he should have "his" time the following day.

Its funny I read lots on here that resonates with my awful xh and on the face of it this is one of the most innocuous but actually it was probably the side of him that destroyed us and made me the most miserable and lonely

JeezyOrangePips · 02/09/2012 07:38

I am assuming he plays with friends when at home?

So let's reverse this.

Once a week i go for a walk with friends. It used to be more often, but my dh doesn't like me spending that much time away, so I agreed to go for this walk once on a weekend.

This weekend we were on a short break, so on the Saturday i went for a walk by myself while DH was doing something he enjoys. When i mentioned going for my usual weekly walk with friends, my DH got upset as i have already been on a walk this weekend. I overreacted, and slept on the couch, but AIBU?

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