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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel upset DH is playing golf again...?

46 replies

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 01:23

DH is playing golf twice this weekend and I feel upset that he's playing yet again when he's already played today. DH and I have agreed that he plays once at the weekend if we don't have any other plans with family, friends etc.

However he's already played today on a spa break we had, it was a surprise gift for me where he booked me a spa treatment and he had a round of golf by himself. This evening just before going to bed he tells me he's playing tomorrow morning with one of his friends. I quite calmy told him that im a little upset about it and wasnt happy considering he had already played today. He said i was being unreasonable and tmrws game of golf is not the same as today. We've just had a massive row about it which escalated and now he's sleeping in the lounge! I just feel the whole of today has been spoilt but am I really being that unreasonable about being upset about another game of golf??

OP posts:

BlueyDragon · 02/09/2012 07:41

YANBU. Golf takes all day: not just the round itself but all the faffing around that goes with it. Even if my DH plays first thing, that's half the day gone. Since DCs, DH has had to rein his golf habit in - we both work full time and there's no way in the world he was going to get to leave me holding the rolling pin (as gettingeasier so eloquently put it). Even pre-DCs twice in a weekend would have been pushing it because we'd never have seen each other. So once in a weekend worked out ok because he does need some "me" time, but I wasn't prepared to have it at the expense of "us" or "family" time. I gave up some of my hobby time too, so it wasn't all one way - that's what it took to make things work.

Can't your DH take up something less time consuming?

MrsMangoBiscuit · 02/09/2012 08:10

Jeezy, are we talking about a 30min - 1 hour walk, or are we talking several hours with an hour in the pub at the end?

OP YANBU, and I think your DH was being very sneaky. He probably thought he was home and dry and was annoyed (or perhaps a bit guilty even) that he got called on it, and got snappy. Still not fair though.

Glaringstrumpet · 02/09/2012 08:18

You could join a walking group and come back each time mentioning Steve. Steve says this, Steve recommends a weekend in the lake district, Steve is an amazing group leader. we're such a friendly group etc,

But not sure this if you can do this if there are DCs.

chickydoo · 02/09/2012 08:34

My DH has played golf pretty much every weekend for the 20 years we have been married.
The years when we had babies were the worst. He would also often go away for weekends of golf with his family, usually once a month. I was so lonely, he would work all week then be off at the weekends & I would still be at home.
When Dc4 was little I decided to find a hobby. Now my hobby takes up more time than his golf I tell him I am out at such and such a time. & he has to be in to look after the kids. The first 6 months were a turning point. He slowly realised what it had been like for me for the previous years. We now have a better balance & even do stuff together. I have also been away for a few weeks on my own to make up for all his golf trips. Things are so much better now!!!! Actually I quite look forward to him playing golf......gives me time to get stuff done at home.
Believe me Op it gets easier.

GhostShip · 02/09/2012 08:39

I think it's bad how he just slipped it in before you went to sleep. I wouldn't be happy about that at all.

I don't like the spa day thing either to be honest. It seems like a nice gesture on the surface but then again I can't help but think 'oh I'll send the little woman off to the spa so I can go golfing'
The thing is as well they make you feel really bad as well, you feel like you're stopping them from doing something which isn't what you want.

And that comment about marriage and kids is absolutely disgraceful.

Sorry OP X

COCKadoodledooo · 02/09/2012 09:15

Sorry but ghost I sniggered most inappropriate fashion at your first sentence

My mum got fed up with being a golf widow, so got herself some lessons and now regularly wipes the floor with my dad

I would say YANBU to be a bit miffed, he WBU to dump it on you at the 11th hour (but better last night than this morning I think), but if it's a regular Sunday thing then I'm afraid I think yup, YABU to simply assume without asking that it wouldn't happen today.

GhostShip · 02/09/2012 09:15

Hahaha I didn't even notice that! Ooops! :o

Onlyaphase · 02/09/2012 09:28

The thing that struck me in reading this is that you have started down the IVF road. As a couple, DH and I had our worst rows around that time, and said some nasty things to each other. In retrospect, it was the stress and uncertainty coming out in unpleasant ways, but it wasn't nice at the time.

Six years later, we are fine as a couple, with a lovely child. DH plays golf at least once a week, back by lunchtime, and I do my own things too. In fact, I've just told him to try and get a golf weekend abroad sorted before November to get some sunshine.

I think what I am trying to say is that it needn't be all doom and gloom - you are both stressed now and working through it in your own ways - golf for him clearly. But it can get better.

Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 09:39

Sniggers at Ghost too!

Thank you all for your comments it's at least made me quite relieved to think that I'm not the psycho unreasonable bitch that DH thinks I am. Just to answer some of your points, it's not a regular Sunday morning sometimes it's a Saturday morning depending on their diaries never mine! Also DH plays golf on a Monday afternoon regularly too, so it's not as if he'll be missing out playing with his friends, so yes that's 3 days in a row he'll be playing golf this week.

I wish it could be something less time consuming but he's actually stopped playing cricket in lieu of golf, his decision not mine, so the golf was a relief from cricket, however I seem to recall there were a lot less arguments about the cricket mainly because I knew when he would exactly be playing but with golf it's much more fluid and especially in the past he would drop it on me at the last minute.

Nice to also hear things will get better from a few of you!

OP posts:

WitchOfORANGEdor · 02/09/2012 09:53

YANBU! I think you need to get to the bottom of his comments about children before you go any further, because you need to understand if he intends to swan off every weekend leaving you holding the baby. You need to make it clear to him what is acceptable to you before you have a baby, much easier than having arguments when you are knackered from being up half the night. If he isn't willing to compromise the frequency of his golf playing whilst you have a young and demanding child then he never will. Hope it works out OP.

LornaGoon · 02/09/2012 10:09

YANBU and yep, like WitchOfORANGEdor says, sort this out before babies come along.

I am a sport widow and have been left for another weekend on my own with two DC under 2. He actually woke me up at 2am to tell me he just got a text to remind him that him and his mates were meeting up today.

I am down on my knees. I'm bf-ing, and co-sleeping and regularly walking to the hospital for DC's appointments. This morning was the last straw, especially when he told me it's all about my hormones, and that he 'helps' me with the children and house work as much as possible. To say I am fucking furious would be an understatement.

Talk it out now what is reasonable golf time before it all gets out of hand.

BlackTieNTails · 02/09/2012 10:22

i dont see the problem. you dont have kids so arent tied to the house with 8 screaming kids under 5, so if he plays golf, just go and do your own thing. whats the big deal?

you sound a bit needy and clingy tbh.

FredFredGeorge · 02/09/2012 12:55

If you'd arranged nothing for the morning and there were no childcare needs then I don't see anything wrong at all with either playing golf or telling you at the last minute - certainly it would've been better to tell you before. However the fact that you care so much about how he spends his time makes me understand more why.

Why did you cancel a lunch without asking him if he wanted to do something else? You were unreasonable to assume he wasn't playing golf. (He may well play too much although once a fortnight is not very much for someone with so few commitments, but that doesn't mean you should make assumptions)

Original poster

Darkclouds · 02/09/2012 17:20

Lorna, I really feel for you, have you managed to talk to him about this? My DH is ignoring me at the moment so I've left him to sulk even more.

Black, I do normally do my own thing and we had an agreement that he only plays once at the weekend which he had done on Saturday on our spa break but insisted he had to play again this morning.

Fred, I didn't think I was unreasonable in assuming he wouldn't be playing as he had already played. It's ok I went to the lunch after all. I think I did mention that he plays every weekend in fact he also plays once and on the odd occasion twice during the week as well.

We've talked about the kids issue before and in the beginning he actually said he would be giving up sports at the weekend for the first couple of years if we had kids, he has since back tracked on that insisting that he never said that, however thank goodness for DMiL as he also told her the same and she has backed me up on this. I guess we need to talk about this again and about the comments he said last night however as I said he is just ignoring me and not wanting to talk about it.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2012 17:51

Dark I dont think this is anything to do with the golf or sports, he maybe now saying he doesnt remember the comments, but he does, and doesnt want to engage, because its probably not going to be a nice conversation all round.

i wonder how commited to the IVF and/or the relationship he is, I think there are bigger issues here than his golfing..sorry love

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 02/09/2012 17:51

Mine plays at least 4 times a week....including Sat/Sun morning. Never bothered me in the slightest. If he plays in the morning, is back by 1.30.

In fact he played the morning of our wedding and the day after dd was born

I've never been into family days ie days out at attractions. So him playong golf is ok...I have always had plenty of time to do what I want to do.
He has recently suggested I take it up myself, but I think I'll pass.

Balderdashandpiffle · 02/09/2012 18:29

Before children we did what we wanted when we wanted.

Children do change things, but neither of us made the other give up anything.

Personally if I was him I would question my relationship with someone who wanted to stop me from doing something I enjoyed.

And if I were you I'd question the relationship as you are going to resent him doing his hobbies.

maras2 · 02/09/2012 19:01

Hiya Darclouds.Please don't have children with this part time lover.Any sport/hobby that takes up so much time seems to me to be very selfish.It ain't gonna work.is it?Golf,cricket whatever,they're excuses for blokes to mix with other blokes and exclude the women < unless they make the tea >.

holyfishnets · 02/09/2012 21:18

I think it depends on how long the golf takes. An hour and a half is OK three or four times a week but if each session is hours and hours long, then it's too much. It is healthy for you both to have your own interests and hobbies. Do you have any hobbies of your own? What are they?

holyfishnets · 02/09/2012 21:32

If you have kids, I think that it's important that you both still keep your interests and exercise up to a good degree. I love having kids but I would go insane if I couldn't run 4 times a week and had to live in my DH's pocket constantly. My exercise doesn't get in the way of spending quality time with my kids each day. We manage to have both family time/kids time and also our own interests. Essentially we have Sundays as family days and tend to split Saturday in to two parts so that we can both take turns to crack on with various things.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 03/09/2012 09:06

Golf takes about 4 hours a round. Plus a drink afterwards.

Holyfishnets has a good balance.

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