To be gutted that my DSD is being so mean?

[TinksMama]

Ok, background story. me and my DH have been together since my DSD was 2yo. DSD has been in full time care of her DF since he speparated from partner when DSD was less than 1.

Me and my DH also have another DD who is 6. DSD is 11.

Contact between DSD and her mum has been sporadic at best, with excuses like 'I have a life too' and 'I don't have time for you' being used by her mum on a regualr basis to shirk even the most basic responsibilities of being a mother.

I have been my DSD's full time mum for the last 9 years, since i was 18. I love her so much I consider her to be my child.

So, contact as I have said has been sporadic between my DSD and her mum (and extended family), however she has had contact with her maternal grandparents, aunt and mum when the can fit her in (mum lives 70 miles away, moved by her own choice and doesn't drive, grandparents and aunt live 300 miles away and run a family business).

Things have been going a little wrong for about the last 6 months; DSD pushing boundaries, being snarky to her sister etc, nothing major, but both myself and my DH have noticed that she has been unhappy/quiet/something is just not quite right, can't put our finger on it... She won't talk to us and holes up in her room.

She came back from grandparents, with a new mobile (I know, only 11 with a mobile, but going to a high school which is a good few miles away, also it can be almost impossible to speak to her via maternal family as they just do not answer the phone!).

My battery was low on my phone and i asked to borrow DSD's whilst i went to pick her dad up from work.
DH sent me a text to let me know where to collect him from, saw another message on the phone and got curious.
DSD has been telling her maternal family that she hates us, that our house is a prison, it stinks, she hates me and even put 'UGH' after my name, said she wanted to run away and said that we were vile and that she just wants us all tyo go away. Said her sister was awful and disgusting etc.

Very very hurtful, and I am gutted tbh. DH is falling to pieces and has been to docs for first time in 5 years to get anti-depressants and keeps asking what he is doing wrong?! he is 100% supportive of DSD, all of the time.

I totally understand that no matter what we do we will never replace her mum, and we don't intend to try to (even though her mum is rarely present in her life, we appreciate that she loves her mum), we do the best we can but I think I just never expected her to be so....... bloody mean!

Sorry about the LOOOOONG rant, but I have nowhere else to vent at the moment.

Someone please tell me that this is just typical pre-teen behaviour, I feel totally and utterly shit... AIBU?

poor kid

she is a child - please don't read what she put as though an adult said it - she sounds conflicted, torn and sad - like she feels she has to bad mouth her dad to them :(

be gentle - the huffy moody ratty ness is normal - but I would worry about the vitriolic stuff

Please don't feel shit. Kids this age often show off to their mates about hating their parents. You wouldn't believe some of the things my DS used to say about me at that age. And we're as close as can be now.

You sound like you've been a wonderful mum to her, and she's lucky to have you. But the fact is that the rejection at times by her own mother ("I am too busy too see you" ) WILL have had an effect.

Personally, I would say this is normal - but at the extreme end of it, if you catch my drift.

But you and your DH are doing everything right, by all accounts, so keep doing what you're doing.

She loves you both really. And I mean that :)

I havent got teenagers but i used to be one, but the whole way through that i was thinking it sounds like a typical teenagery thing to do. She may say stuff like that regardless of biological links or otherwise, bit of teen angst - everything is 'so unfair' and 'ugh' is like punctuation! Sounds like you're doing ok imo, she is sounding off, not bunking off, taking drugs, smoking etc!

Oh how sad, for everyone involved. I know it's not easy but it sounds like she's reaching out to these maternal family members, maybe just for some attention? I'm not saying she doesn't get it at home but she's probably looking for answers now about her mum as she starts to understand more. 11 is a tough age, and she definitely doesn't mean what she's written. Have you all sat down and had it out or are you still pretending you never read her messages?

She's 11, sounds like hormones kicking I to me. My kids have often said they the me but I know they don't really men it. It still hurts though. Sounds like you are doing a great job keep it up.

OP - pay more attention to what she does rather than what she says. I think, personally, this is more indicative of real problems. Kids can talk the talk and strut around with their mates to an amazing degree, but if she's otherwise doing as she's told (more or less!), being in when she's meant to be & not beating up her sister, then she's probably OK deep down.

I think I'm upset that she has said that she wants to run away to her grandparents and their response was 'I know darling, you can be with us soon, only a few years left.'

DH is upset as we have given up our family time for them to see her and feel like they are putting things in her head/feeding her insecurities. She's very quiet and bottles things up, she has been through a hell of a lot with all the crap with her mum...poor little chick.

Def want to speak to high school when she starts, see if she can access support there to talk though her feelings with someone who can help her manage things.

If she's showered with presents and allowed to do what she wants at her grandparents, it can be rather a shock to come back to routine and rules. I'm expecting this when my two oldest DCs come back from their dads on Monday. They'll be resentful, they'll say they're bored, they want to live with their dad etc. They hate me, they hate my husband, we're rubbish parents, their dad is much better. It's hard but you have to try not to take it personally. And never try and compete with the other family.

When I was that sort of age I put a heart-shaped piece of paper on my mother's pillow which said I HATE YOU on it. :(

I am nearly 50 now and the thought of it still makes me feel horribly ashamed. I can't remember why I did it but I do know I only did it because I knew she loved me unconditionally.

Your DSD feels safe to push the boundaries with you because she knows you love her no matter what. She is not remotely secure in her birth mum's love and this is probably a really crappy way of her trying to do that.

But it's a lot more complicated in your situation because she's telling her mum's family untrue stuff about you. Do you have the sort of relationship with them where you could pick up the phone and chat to them?

Sorry x-posted. Do you think they're just telling her what she wants to hear?

So sorry to hear of your troubles, but my twin DS's are the same age, and we have been having all sorts of problems to with them, one moment saying they hate us, wish they were adopted, as we are "too poor" and "never do anything for them".(Money has been tight, yes, but they had a weeks holiday, been on days out, been to cinema etc, so they actually haven't been that hard done by). Then, suddenly they are full of affection and wanting cuddles, which they haven't really wanted for a year or so, so thy are realy mixed up with their emotions at the moment. My DH and I have found some of the things they say very hurtful, and wondered what we have been doing wrong, until we spoke to some of their friends mums, and found that similar things had happened with some of their DC, so I hope it is just a stage they go through. Unfortunatly, your DSD has got another string to her "how to hurt my parents feelings" bow, and a she is using it with vengence. Have you tried speaking to her to find out why she is saying such hurtful things, does she want to try and live with her mum, or is it just attention seeking, mixed with some of that pre-teen spite?

Actually, I will say it has got better as they've got older at least with DD1 who is 15. She understands that things are different here at her main home because this is where she lives most of time and where she goes to school and at dads they can stay up till midnight because they don't have to be at school the next day but at home they have to go to bed earlier.

I think I'm upset that she has said that she wants to run away to her grandparents and their response was 'I know darling, you can be with us soon, only a few years left.'

They should no better but clearly don't.

*know better

Oh my goodness, you poor things - this must be so, so tough to hear and read - BUT, as everyone else says, this is all just pre-teen bluster and not indicative of her true thoughts and feelings at all.

She knows she has your unconditional love and support; she most certainly does not know that about her birth Mum and family, and for an 11 year old that must be pretty devastating.

This reads so clearly as attention-seeking from that side of her family. She needs to seek attention from them, because she doesn't otherwise get it. How sad is that?

Bide your time. In years to come, she will realise what you and your DH have done for her and she will love you like nothing else. She already does of course, but it will become much more tangible for her as maturity comes.

Tbh I think you need to be having firm words with her grandparents.

I was talking to my mum the other day & she said when I hit 11/12 & puberty she wondered if she'd ever have a civil conversation with me again as apparently I was horrific. I know what you've read is hurtful but I'm sure it's a combination of hormones, bravado & having to come back to reality after being spoilt by her grandparents. It's easy to lash out at those closest to you because you know they'll forgive you.

Please don't be too sad by this. My dd wrote a note when she was about 4 that said I hat you mummy, you are mean. She was mortified when I told her I found it when cleaning her room and of course she didn't really hate me it was done in a moment after I had confiscated something from her. Teens are just big old emotional children, she has to test the boundaries to see who's love is unconditional. She is just testing the water with you, dad and her mum and she is also probably a little jealous of the relationship you have with her dad and your dd, even if you do the best and love her she probably wishes things were a little different.

I agree it is totally normal Pre teen behaviour.

I would make an effort to connect with her gently, in an area you know she is interested, and spend time with her. I had a turning point with my mum when she and I changed our relationship to a more adult one. She made me feel more like the young adult I was becoming, and she didn't 'give' me anything, in fact, I took on more responsibility in the household. But I loved the fact I felt like a near grown up in the house.

I'm not saying that was the end of it, but it went a long way to improve our relationship.

You've had some good advice from better informed people than I. My only addition is that you should talk to your DH and explain that your DSD needs him and you to remain the constant in her life. He cannot fall apart now. He needs to continue with his loving guidance of his DD. Agree with others that he also needs to talk to your DSD's GPs and mother to stop this "one-up-man-ship" that must be confusing to an 11yo girl.

As a secondary school teacher I know how dramatic 11-13yo girls can be and I hate to say it OP but you've probably got more to come over the next couple of years. Make sure you, your DH and your DSD's other relations are ready to support her through it.

Nothing to add really. other than to say you sound lovely, and really understanding. Your dsd is just really sad and confused, and I agree that she knows you love her and she feels secure in being able to push the boundries.
I do think you need to have a frank conversation with the GP's about all this though.

I expect she must be feeling rather insecure. Can you just continue to be really lovely to he and make sure she knows how much you and DH care. Do little thing like squeeze her shoulder when passing or pay indirect compliments. Spend time alone with her one to one and organise some special activities with just her dad and her or you and her.

I have a friend who chose to live with her mum when her parents divorced because she knew she would have less rules.

Now as an adult she loves her father far more and is mortifies she hurt him so much by choosing to live with her mum.

She was a child. Your DSD is a child.

She will appreciate you far far more as an adult than she will her mother. Unfortunatly she does not yet have the maturity to see the fullness of the situation. That is hurtful for you and I know it can seem hard in the short term to do the things necessary to parent her correctly and do what needs to be done.

However you are the adult here and ao can see the bigger picture. It will be hard and heartbreaking fot you as she goes through her teens and rejects her resident family as she almost certainly will.

She will see the bigger eventually though. She will be grateful and you will have sone everything you can to see her properly into adulthood.

You will have done the hard work and she will appreciate it eventually.

I'd be taking the mobile away or at least changing the sim card, it sounds to me like the grandparents are playing up to her dramatics and trying to turn her against you and your DH. You need to start controlling the contact she has with them, as frankly they sound quite poisonous.

Thanks for all your kind words, it's been good to get some perspective about this and also hear that I'm not on my own.

I spoke to my own mum about it and apparently they had a really easy time with me as there were very few corssed words between us thoughout my entire childhood (let alone teens!) and we are all still on the best if terms now.

I think this is part of why I was so shocked, I have no personal experience to compare this too.

My DH will be having stern words with her grandparents, I think he will be sending them a letter intially (we've learnt that it's best to have physical proof of what has been said) and following it up with a phone call. DSD's mother didn't fall far from the family tree, they are all quite selfish and have no empathy for others.

Her maternal grandmother also said to her via text 'keep your feelings in your diary, don't talk to them about it, otherwise they will stop you seeing us, we don't want that do we?'- what a bunch of bastards.

Clearly poisonous, good luck, she's so lucky to have you!