To be gutted that my DSD is being so mean?

[TinksMama]

Ok, background story. me and my DH have been together since my DSD was 2yo. DSD has been in full time care of her DF since he speparated from partner when DSD was less than 1.

Me and my DH also have another DD who is 6. DSD is 11.

Contact between DSD and her mum has been sporadic at best, with excuses like 'I have a life too' and 'I don't have time for you' being used by her mum on a regualr basis to shirk even the most basic responsibilities of being a mother.

I have been my DSD's full time mum for the last 9 years, since i was 18. I love her so much I consider her to be my child.

So, contact as I have said has been sporadic between my DSD and her mum (and extended family), however she has had contact with her maternal grandparents, aunt and mum when the can fit her in (mum lives 70 miles away, moved by her own choice and doesn't drive, grandparents and aunt live 300 miles away and run a family business).

Things have been going a little wrong for about the last 6 months; DSD pushing boundaries, being snarky to her sister etc, nothing major, but both myself and my DH have noticed that she has been unhappy/quiet/something is just not quite right, can't put our finger on it... She won't talk to us and holes up in her room.

She came back from grandparents, with a new mobile (I know, only 11 with a mobile, but going to a high school which is a good few miles away, also it can be almost impossible to speak to her via maternal family as they just do not answer the phone!).

My battery was low on my phone and i asked to borrow DSD's whilst i went to pick her dad up from work.
DH sent me a text to let me know where to collect him from, saw another message on the phone and got curious.
DSD has been telling her maternal family that she hates us, that our house is a prison, it stinks, she hates me and even put 'UGH' after my name, said she wanted to run away and said that we were vile and that she just wants us all tyo go away. Said her sister was awful and disgusting etc.

Very very hurtful, and I am gutted tbh. DH is falling to pieces and has been to docs for first time in 5 years to get anti-depressants and keeps asking what he is doing wrong?! he is 100% supportive of DSD, all of the time.

I totally understand that no matter what we do we will never replace her mum, and we don't intend to try to (even though her mum is rarely present in her life, we appreciate that she loves her mum), we do the best we can but I think I just never expected her to be so....... bloody mean!

Sorry about the LOOOOONG rant, but I have nowhere else to vent at the moment.

Someone please tell me that this is just typical pre-teen behaviour, I feel totally and utterly shit... AIBU?

I'd take her phone off her for starters.

And have strong words with the grandparents.

Sit down with your DSD and explain what you saw/know and ask her how she feels.

I feel so sorry for you all

Agree totally that she is just pushing the boundaries. She is probably also very angry with her mother and taking it out on you because she can't do it to her mum. I think the grandparents sound very toxic but you will win in the long run by not badmouthing them in front of DSD, and letting her see them whenever she wants. If DSD is horrible to your face don't react too much - just tell her that it makes you sad that she feels that way and that you hope she won't always.

Your patience and good nature will win out in the end. She will probably look back on it when she is an adult and be shocked that she acted so meanly.

sadly it's very common for children of divorced parents to feel they have to say to each parent how bad the other parent is because they think that's what they want to hear.And in many cases it is.
poor lttle mite!

Send the phone back to the grandparents with a letter saying that their communication has been inappropriate and undermines what happens in DSD's family home.

Buy her a cheap mobile she can contact you on when at high school.

Then get DH to sit and talk to her. Mainly listen to what she has to say and also what she feels is so unfair about your home. She will find a lot of independence at high school, but she may continue to push the boundaries at home. Just be firm, consistent and loving as you have been. It could be issues with her own mother, or just unfairness she feels at your house, it doesn't necessarily have to be the truth, but just how she feels.

Add hormones into the mix and the prospect of starting a new school (always a bit daunting) then its no surprise she is a bit all over the place. I hope you get it sorted as you and your DH sound like nice people.

I agree with Reindeer about the phone and DH having a talk with DSD.

What is her relationship like with your parents ? Could either of them have a little chat with DSD ?

DPotter, my parents are as baffled by this as I am. I gave them very little grief as a child so they have as much experience as me!

DH will speak to her to let her know that we know what's going on. He certainly won't say anything negative about her mum or grandparents to her, we never have an never will (we are now experts at keeping quiet, tbh I'd love to have a good old rant but that would do my DSD no favours and make her relationship with her maternal family even more strained).

We'll just do what we always do when she has a wobble and be supportive.

I do agree that we shouldn't stop her going, that may be what we want to do, but, this isn't about what we want and we do expect a bit of a backlash when she comes home and has to get used to a 'normal' routine again.

She's 11. Totally normal. The difference is that your DSD has the an audience for her gripes.

Stick with her for the next 5+ years or however long it takes her to grow out of teenage years. Whatever she says or does, deep down she knows you're there for her and her love for you will come round again.

Parental love is unconditional - and you are the parent, not her biological mum.

I'm just beginning to understand myself - as a single mother of 3 fantastic teenage girls - that my job for the next xxx years is to rise above everything, try not to react too much, let them make their own mistakes, and always be there to pick up the pieces - without judgement.

And you can quote me on that when I next rant!

Seriously, you seem like a wonderful mum. Just stick with it/her.