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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I was made to feel inferior

38 replies

IShallCallYouSquishy · 01/09/2012 12:24

Or was I being over sensitive?

At a baby group with my DD 14 weeks yesterday and chatting with another mum who's DS was born a few days after. We were just generally chatting about how wriggley the babies are getting and I said "oh I know, I looked into DDs cot this morning and was facing the complete opposite way!" to which I got the response "oh, she's in a cot is she? WE are co-sleeping"

Not an issue with the reply but the tone and emphasis on the "we" and the "oh she's in a cot" were very judgey and made me feel like crap. It's hard to explain but you know that tone when you feel someone is looking down their nose as you?

I've got no problem with co-sleeping and think if it works for you then go for it. Every parent is different and do different things. For me personally I couldn't do it as I'm scared stiff i would squash/smother her and she's such a noisy grunty snuffley baby I'd never sleep! But if someone else does it with their child then it doesn't make the blindest bit of difference to me.

I just feel I was being judged and looked down on and that I wasn't doing the best for my DD and that I'm a bad unloving mum for putting her in her cot.I know that's not the case as she's a happy healthy and delightful little thing, but to be made to feel like crap just as I'm doing something that's giving me and my DH our own space.

Maybe I'm over thinking it but it's still bugging me!

OP posts:
JazzAnnNonMouse · 01/09/2012 12:26

Some people are like that.
It's nice that you're not Smile

Original poster
IShallCallYouSquishy · 01/09/2012 12:26

Oh and I'm not trying to make a pro/con co sleeping thread here, it's purely about the way I was made to feel like shit.

OP posts:
MissSayuri · 01/09/2012 12:28

By 'co-sleeping' what she really means is her ds doesn't sleep and the only way she can get a teeny bit of shut eye is to take him in with her. She's jealous that your dd sleeps in a cot on her own and you get a good night's kip!

tartyflette · 01/09/2012 12:30

Perhaps she feels co-sleeping is not quite right, or looked down on, somehow, and was trying to make herself feel better about it by making you feel worse that you're in the wrong! Please do not worry about it in the slightest, as someone who did both I have to tell you it makes not a jot or tittle's worth of difference in the long run. Just enjoy your lovely snuffly grunty baby.

Shellywelly1973 · 01/09/2012 12:31

Maybe ur just abit sensitive...

Each to their own&all that!

I was a hideous cot using,routine,ff &dummy using kinda mum. That's the way i did it.

Don't let it worry you what other mums think!

SarahStratton · 01/09/2012 12:33

She has a Velcro baby, and is deeply Envy that y

SarahStratton · 01/09/2012 12:34

Bloody phone.

...that you are actually getting sleep.

missymoomoomee · 01/09/2012 12:34

Someone I worked with was like that when I had DS, he actively went out of his way to track me down when his DS had done something new. I began to find it comical, my DS got a tooth, his was having them all come through at the same time, my DS started walking, his was running, my DS said his 1st word, his said a sentence...you get the picture. Some people just like to be superior, don't let it worry you.

ExitStencilist · 01/09/2012 12:36

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent: Eleanor Roosevelt.

Tis true. You sound very oversensitive.

Original poster
IShallCallYouSquishy · 01/09/2012 12:37

I am probably being a bit over sensitive that it's still bugging me - completely agree! PFB and all that Grin

I hope she didn't think I was being smug when I said about cot. If she thought I was boasting (which I wasn't, promise guv!) she might of been a bit defensive which is a natural instinct I guess?

OP posts:
lisaro · 01/09/2012 12:38

I'm just smiling at the 'grunty noisy snuffly' comment. I love 'baby noises', funnily enough, they're similar to teenage noises. Grin
Ignore her - to make a comment like that she's obviously insecure (as are most new parents) and not dealing with it well.

Pagwatch · 01/09/2012 12:38

Tbh just take a deep breath and ignore.

No one can make you fel inferior, they can only try.
If you are happy with what you're doing then just ignore her. Possibly she is defensive for a reason as, if you are happy you rarely feel the need to try and be superior.

She is being daft. But only you are responsible for whether you let her affect you or not.

AlwaysHoldingOnToStars · 01/09/2012 12:39

I sort of co-slept with mine - they had a cot right next to the bed and started off there then came in for a feed and stayed with me. It worked for me, it was right for me.

Using a cot is right for you, so who is she to judge? She doesn't know the ins and outs of your everyday life, so just ignore her.

VeremyJyle · 01/09/2012 12:40

I like that Exit/MrsRoosevelt but yes OP you do get competitive parents, best way to handle it is laugh it off and point out your LOs less-thans, that way it takes the wind out of their sails and they either behave or move on to someone else who they can compete with Grin hth

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2012 12:42

Welcome to parenthood Grin

For the rest of your life there will be times when people will judge you for your choices and you'll judge them too...even if it's just mentally.

Work on your confidence, believe in your own choices and bugger everyone else!

Disclaimer
Actual buggery is optional

Original poster
IShallCallYouSquishy · 01/09/2012 12:45

Veremy: I'm very conscious of the fact that I do seem to be very lucky and have a "good" baby so always aware that I could come across smug/boasty and make an effort to show that she isn't all sweetness and light.

Same mum had her DS doing tummy time and I said "oh DD screams the house down if she isn't in the right mood for tummy!"

Must try not to be so sensitive though!

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 01/09/2012 12:46

I've had the opposite, oh your cosleeping I could never do that, I like my own space, I would be too worried about squashing them etcetc.

Get used to it wait until you get to weaning, walking, talking, toilet training, nursery, school, swimming lessons.

nokidshere · 01/09/2012 12:46

If you are happy with your choices as a parent then it doesn't matter whaat anyone else says or does with their own child.

Only you can make yourself feel inferior or guilty.

JennerOSity · 01/09/2012 12:48

YANBU to feel like she was judging you - but I wouldn't waste any more time dwelling on it and would consider yourself lucky that she made it clear she is not a potential friend early on before you wasted any more time on her. Grin

LesleyPumpshaft · 01/09/2012 12:51

I co-slept with DS, but it was nothing to be proud of, it was the only way I could get any sleep myself. Back then I had never even heard of co-sleeping. Hmm

trixie123 · 01/09/2012 12:51

yes sorry, you will get this endlessly on every subject from weaning to A level choices so you may as well decide NOW that you'll just nod and smile and move on. As others have said, no-one can make you feel anything, you've made the choices that are right for you - try to maintain your confidence in that. I am sure 90% of the angst about parenting could be avoided if parenting books were banned - they make people feel it must be really hard and they need a book to tell them how to do it. Instinct and common sense and a few conversations with experienced friends of your choosing should do it!

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 01/09/2012 12:53

What worra said, most other parents are lovely but there are those few who think the only right parenting choices are the ones that they made. Be they the co-sleeping one who thinks to put baby in a cot is to go against nature, or the one who put baby in a cot and thinks other parents only co-sleep because they're lazy and can't be bothered to get baby off to sleep 'properly'.

Cultivate a bland stare to use on these people, on no account ever justify your parenting decisions to them.

mumblechum1 · 01/09/2012 12:53

No one can make you feel inferior.

Only yourself.

Noqontrol · 01/09/2012 12:54

I co slept with dc. I was the only person I knew in real life who did it though. It saved my sanity, esp with dc, who fed every hour day and night for months.

LesleyPumpshaft · 01/09/2012 12:55

Noqontrol, DS was exactly the same and like you, it saved my sanity.

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