To want mum to have one more chance at living alone before putting her in a home?

[sandyballs]

She is 86, diagnosed with Alzheimer's 3 years ago but has been living alone with carers going in twice a day. Her short term memory has been bad, repeating herself within seconds and in the last few months her house has become dirty and also she hasn't been washing, also lost things like bank card, keys. I've helped out as much as possible. She was independent still, going to local shops and having lunch out every day.

Just over a week ago I had a phone call at midnight from one of mums neighbours. Mum had been going up and down the road in her nightie, hammering on doors looking for dad who died 20 years ago. She has been in hospital since then. Urine or blood infections were suspected which would explain the dramatic decline but tests were fine. The OT and a social worker have assessed mum and believe it is in her best interests to now go into a care home. My brother agrees but I can't get my head around the fact that mum will never go back to her little bungalow and will basically be locked up in a home, unable to potter down to the shops or get lunch out unless me or my brother take her. Completely taking away her independence. I think one more chance in her own home but brother is saying now is the time with the help of these people in hospital and says it will be harder to do it if she goes home and wanders again.

I just feel so sad about it all. She talks about going home but talks about the home she grew up in, not the bungalow she has spent the last 20 years in.

It's horrid for you, but really, your mum isn't independant at all now. And you don't want the worry of being woken in the middle of the night because she's wandered into a dangerous situation.

She is too vulnerable to be left at home now.

Agree with all the above

So sorry to hear this. I would second the poster who suggested meeting with the OT and SW at the hospital, it might help you understand exactly what the risks are. It does sound like your (understandable) emotional attachment is making that hard to see.

What if she got lost wandering at night and got hypothermia? What if she walked out in traffic and hurt herself and others? What if she left the gas on? I am an OT working with older people and I sadly see this all the time.

If she is banging on doors looking for her husband then it sounds like she is upset and agitated and in a distressed state. In a home, with carers there, someone would be able to see this and calm her down and help her. At home, she could be like it all night - wandering round getting upset and not understanding what it happening. She sounds very vulnerable and needs someone there for her - independence is not the priority here, safety is. (Hers and others - a person who wanders the streets is actually a huge risk to other road users and sadly I have known people who have caused horrific RTAs).

In a good care home - and there are plenty of really good ones - she would NOT be shut in a room. She would have a room which she can decorate with her things from home, pictures and furniture etc, you can visit whenever you like, they will have group activities that she can do if she fancies, and more importantly, they will have staff who can keep and eye on her. Making sure she eats and drinks well, watch out for her getting emotionally distressed and calm her down, and maintain her dignity as much as possible.

Please, listen to the professionals. Meet them, ask questions, visit homes. If she goes somewhere and hates it, she can always try another home - nothing is set in stone. But please don't underestimate how vulnerable she is now. It is very hard to get someone into a home (contrary to popular belief) and it would not have been recommended unless essential.

I wish you luck x

What on earth gave you the impression that she'd be 'locked up' in a home? It's a HOME not a prison! She will still be allowed to go out.

Alzheimers has taken away her independence, and from what you've said she is no longer safe to live alone.

My gran has Lewy Bodies dementia, which was in part, caused by repeat chronic UTI infections caused by kidney disease, for three years I begged, pleaded and appealed to SS to put her in a care home, she is disabled, could not wash independently, her carers did not give a shit, some of them lied outright on their form about bathing her etc... SS still insisted that she was mentally sound, none of her GP's would give her a psych assessment.

Eventually her dementia led her to start hallucinating, calling the emergency services at all hours, when it started causing a nuisance they admitted her to hospital and then into a care facility.

The place she now calls home is a dual facility with care for the elderly but EMI care as well, after five years of her pain and unhappiness she is now so much happier, when her confusion leads her to lose track of time or start hallucinating there is someone on hand straight away to help, and someone experienced as well, don't discount that side of things.

I know it is an awful thought OP, but you need to think clearly, your mothers independence is important, but to whom? Is this because you don't want to accept what is happening and what it means, or does your mother actually understand? The most important things for her now are security and comfort, these will be provided for her in a care setting, I cannot think of anything more terrifying than not having control of your own mind and losing control of your memories, this is what is happening, it is important that she have someone around who can competently help her with this.

I'm really sorry op, I know turning into your mothers mother is awful and sad and difficult

but it really sounds like your mum would be better off in a home, esp if that's what the professionals recommend, they will have dealt with this sort of thing before and will know what they're doing

once she is there ans settled in, you'll be able to see how much better her situation is, she'll be safe, clean, fed and looked after....and you'll have peace of mind knowing she is being looked after...but you'll always miss the things she used to do, its just so sad and a hard part of life to go through (I hope I make sense)

I agree with the majority, it is easy to see from the outside that she needs constant care now. I know from personal experience that is hard to accept though when it's someone you love.

Work with your brother to find the home which is right for her, don't feel pushed into going to the first one you see it has to be a decision you are comfy with. We were 'lucky' when we had to find somewhere for my grandma that my dad is a nurse working in that area so knew what to look for. Don't make appointments to look around, turn up and see how it feels when you are there.

You will still be able to take her out for the day and visit her regulary but you will know she is safe and you won't be getting late night calls to say she has wandered off

sandyballs my mum is 84 and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 5 years ago.

Her DP died suddenly recently and we had to move mum into a home. Dementia affects everyone differently and whilst mum never wandered, if left alone she would stay in bed all day, would not eat or drink and would not take medication. She lived 21/2 hours away from us, so even with carers going in 4 times a day, it would not have been enough. Mum had collapsed a couple of times and had it happened in the night with no one there she would have been laid there for hours.

I went through all kinds of guilt, I am still going through it. Could I have her in my own home? Could she be in sheltered housing? But the answer to both those questions is no. For all sorts of reasons.

I am not saying that a CH is perfect, I have had a massive issue this week and when things go wrong it is soul destroying, but no more so than if your mum had an accident while out wandering, or burnt her house down. Some people lock their wandering dementia relatives in at night to stop them escaping, they feel the risk of them being trapped in the house in an emergency is outweighed by the risk of them wandering off. They assuage their guilt by pointing out that, like your mum, they loose keys and might not be able to find them or think to unlock a door if something happened. Could you live like that? Worrying constantly and waiting for the next phone call? I know I couldn't.

We just have to choose the best option available at the time. If the health professionals are recommending a CH, they are probably right. It does not make it any easier to do. But your mum and mine are the lucky ones, who have people, like us, to fight for them and make sure that they are comfortable and safe.

Good luck, whatever you choose. X

Frankly, a home us not that bad, she will have company, her needs will be taken care of, and she will have far less oportunities to get in trouble.

Her needs will continue to increase and may do so very quickly, moving her into your house may be an option but you may find that being a full time carer is a very hard job when you have your own job and family commitments.
My ex

Oops pressed post by mistake..

My ex insisted very much in keeping his grandma at her home, the last year was a nightmare, from having a carer that started stealing money from her purse to ex spending every single morning and night washing soiled linen, carpets and floors. Not to say the calls from police and other people when she happily got into difficulties without realising what she was doing.

Then she moved to a care home, and she has been as happy as larry. She is a very sociable smiley sweet thing and has enjoyed having people around all time, they do things to entertain her, is having hot meals regularly and her hygiene is also being taken good care of, therefore reducing the number of infections and skin conditions she used to get. And she is thrilled about the ch's dog.

It took a long time for that decision to be made but once done, it was clear it was for the better.

Wow loads of responses. Thank you all so much. You all talk a lot of sense and I do need to be less emotional about it and more practical. My brother is looking at homes today and when he has found a couple he likes I will also view it. Deep down I know it's the right thing to do but seems a hard decision to make.

Living with me isn't an option. No room in my house, plus mum seems to hate DH since having Alzheimer's so it just wouldn't work. I also have two young DDs so I don't have the time to devote to her that she needs.

How does it work financially? Mum owns only 30% of her home and has no savings. Presumably we sell the house and pay her care fees from the 30%. This could take some time though so how do we pay in the meantime and what happens when her money runs out, which wouldn't be long. Neither me or my brother have much spare money.

I was going to put this in 'elderly parents' but it doesn't seem to get many responses over there.

I think you need to do some searches for that. I understand that you will need to pay the fees from whatever pension or assets she may have, and once depleted, tge state will take care of the payments.

But I have also seen adds from solicitors saying that you can get the state to get involved in the payments before then. But wether this is true ir not, I have no idea.

I think it is time for full time care for her we cared for my nana with alzheimers 2 aunts used to take it in turn to stay over night too , It just becomes impossible to care for them sometimes, I do think you should think about at least a full time home carer. My nana started staying up all night dis orintated she did have mobility problems so couldnt go out but My aunts just couldn't do it anymore,

hi op, I'd contact age UK and your local council to ask these question, probably best to get the right answer than guess and worry

hope you're feeling a bit reassured after this thread.

also my mum is in sheltered housing and in no way is it suitable for someone with dementia or alzheimer's

you're right about the elderly parents section, I started that section and I'm a bit disappointed it doesn't get much traffic, I think its too hidden away and most folk who might need it don't know its there

Social services will be able to help you with the financial aspects as the 'rules' vary dramatically through out the UK.
It is a very difficult decision to make, but as an example, my beloved grandmother had rapid onset alzheimers and my uncle resisted all attempts to find her suitable and safe accomodation (purely motivated by finances) She scalded herself with a pan of boiling water and didn't let anybody know for about 2 days - it was horrific and could have been prevented had she lived somewhere with carers 24/7.

We got loads of help over Mum's care through the Social Worker we saw in the hospital
Mum was in a Council house with no savings so it was covered, I don't know what happens in your situation.
I used the Elderly Parents topic when I was initially going through all this by the way. It was very helpful and I got loads of good advice but it is quiet.
I do think it should be tagged up a bit more, maybe on popular topics at the bottom of the page?
There are so many women with elderly parents on MN as is clear from this thread, but I don't think a lot of people know the topic exists.

My heart breaks for you. Just last week we put my mother in a home. I checked more than 100 online to find places that would meet her needs, saw 13 and am very happy with the one we have chosen. Regarding payments, sadly we will have to sell my mothers house. Really I need to start another house to vent about that. She has worked as a teacher, then head teacher, all her life. Last time she was in hospital was when I was born (53 years ago). She bought me up as a single mother taking nothing from amyone ever. She saved to buy her own home, all she ever wanted was for it to go to my son. Sadly she always believed that because she was physically healthy she had more time to make plans. She didnt, so now, nobody will have anything. As I understand it, the council put a legal charge on the house and pay the fees after a 12 week deferal for assesment. No fees are payable for those weeks (AFAIK which isnt a lot yet). Then the council will pay until her savings are gone, the value of the house is used up/ house is sold and then they will step in and pay.

She was a danger to herself, she was found wandering more than 180 miles from her home, trying to get back to her childhood home. We live abroad and had to come urgently to attend right in the middle of ds gcse exams :-( She was kept in a home whilst a psychiatric assesment was made. A mental health advocate was appointed. She was an idiot who told my mother she had rights and she could go home and generally upset her. In no way was my mother able to live by herself. she didnt eat, still wandered, didnt take medication for the uti or her aricept. She lost her purse with cash card and pin number together, she bought the same 5 items of shopping daily - a daily fail, pint of milk, large box of cornflakes, jar of marmalade and a loaf of bread. SS were good they installed 2 gps trackers, the orginal once a day carer was upped to 4 times daily to ensure she would eat. Sadly due to her indepence and inability to accept help she ws deemed a danger to herself. SS spoke with her for 2 days to explain if she didnt go into a home voluntarily she would be sectioned under the mental health act for her own welfare.

The whole situation has been heartbreaking, esp given we never had the best of relationships and I am an only child. Daily I feel guilt even though I know I chose the best place for her. The carers are lovely, the home has a secure garden, we bought her a shed for her gardening stuff, she has her own bedding curtains, glass cabinet, the paper is delivered daily, she chose the colour of her own front door and her own room number (113 the number of her childhood home). We've paid extra for someone to take her out twice a week just for a walk, because she used to walk 5 or 10 miles a day. the acitivities co-ordinator does take them out but this was over and above because she does enjoy such a walk. I really do know she is in the best place but its hard.

Good luck to both you and your mum. I'm sure with all the help you've recvd on here you will do whats best for her and she will be happier. Sorry for the long post and the hijack.

doh, *thread not house. We telephoned 50 homes just to check if they were single storey or that the dementia unit was on the ground floor so she would have access by herself without asking, to the gardens.
Please ask if there is anything you want to know about the homes we visited and the questions we asked. And deffo agree with the earlier poster who said make sure you DONT make an appointment and make sure they dont have visiting hours, no secrets.

I can't believe people are still using phrases like "putting her in a home", and don't even start me on 'locked up' in a home.
Yes, there have been some nightmare cases reported in the media, but that's because it is news - shocking, yes, terrible- yes, but typical? NO.
Surely you should be thinking about finding her a place to live where her needs can be met, where she will be safe, where she will have company, where there will be people on hand when she gets confused like the other night ?

Agree with BackforGood. Don't totally dismiss council-run homes either as they can actually be some of the best (accountability and all). You need to go in there and get a feel for the place and the staff.

Adult social care will be able to help you out with all the arrangements and financials.

People will though BackforGood, and the horror stories in the news don't help.
For everybody that has to decide that their beloved parent needs the care you can't give them, there is a hell of a lot of guilt.
My Mum was doubly incontinent, she could only walk with a zimmer and was also in the first stages of dementia.
The home she went into was wonderful, the staff were loving and caring, and in the short time she was there, she was so much better off.
But the actual decision broke my heart.

Yes, YABU as carers aren't there 24 hours & you can't expect her neighbours to watch her 24 hours a day either. Sorry, my Grandma's situation was the same but she is used to being in a home now & it is a good one.

Have a look at a sheltered housing complex as they will usual have a warden or a career on duty 24 hours a day meals can be provided as well as personal care. It will just allow her to retain a little bit more independence than a 'nursing' home. Hope this helps x

You have my deepest sympathy. My MIL is in this state, sFIL won't admit there is anything wrong. SS are involved but he won't submit to a financial assessment (which he'd fail, he's stinking rich). So she gets minimal care as that's all he'll pay for, a cleaner comes in for 3hrs a week, and no one checks that MIL takes her meds, eats properly, has her feet checked etc. She's escaped from him twice in the last month as he dumps her with an aged friend of his who can't control her, while he goes to visit other friend's etc.

There's nothing we'd like better than to have her in one of the homes here, where we can visit her easily everyday (we live 150 miles away), but it's a pipedream.

If SS are saying it's time, then get on line and look up some local places, visit them; you should be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck.